True Fasting

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter – when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” Isaiah 58:6-9

Recently, I have been talking to a lot of people with all different kinds of issues. I still remember a pastor saying that if I had no special prayer request, it could be a sign that God wants me to pray more for others. I feel like I have been in the stage a while, and so I have been trying to pray for my friends.

On specific incident, I had heard my friend talk about all kinds of complaints. He criticized all that was around him, and yet, I just kept feeling his loneliness burn inside of him. After the conversation, I simply thought, “Lord, please be a friend to him.” Yet, the words that came out were, “Lord, let me be a friend to him.”

All this time, I had wanted God to intervene in such heavenly ways, but as I struggle in my life, all I see is that He wants to work through us. All the miracles we see could very well be our stubborn hearts move to act upon God’s will.

As much as I would like God to touch his spirit, I ask also that I may be changed to fully walk in His ways.

Sparkles

A sparkler quickly rushes in a beam of light, gently illuminating the dark and the cold. It is short lived; a bag is soon emptied with but the remains of what once was.

It has been already a year since I started coming to Aeminwon. Though it was only for one hour, I spent time with kids to teach a bit of English. I honestly did not expect the kids to truly learn English. I simply wanted to spent quality time with them. As weeks went by, though, I grew tired of how little they seemed to care for the time together. They rarely did their homework, nor did they study for weekly vocabulary tests. I wondered if that was how all children were. I just did not seem appreciated much. 

I also thought about how poor their living conditions could have been. They are well fed and well clothed, but one teacher had to take care of nearly seven to eight kids at once. Telling kids to do their homework usually flies by quickly when its multiple kids to check on. Nonetheless, I grew tired and irritated that they did not listen to me at all. I would give long talks about how they needed to study, how they need to do a good job to survive out there, how they really needed to struggle. 

However, those words never really seemed to reach to the kids, because for three straight weeks, they did not study, not a single word. I had even bought Christmas gifts and toys to play together, but after learning how they did not bother, I just could not find it in me to play with them. 

Yet, the toys were bought, and with a certain resignation of mind, I took them outside to play with the sparklers. I knew I had bought the shorter ones, but they burned out a bit too quickly. The sparklers did emit quite a luminescence, for it grew completely dark soon after all had died down. After we were done, I told them for the last time to study and went home. 

While coming home, I was reminded of how my service was ending soon. I would not be able to come volunteer much anymore afterwards. I thought about what effect I might have had to the kids. Upon a bit of reminiscing, I was worried they would remember me as someone who nagged constantly. 

They were kids who just needed love. Would Jesus have acted in such a way towards the kids? Would not life have been enough stress as it was for them to have me yelling at them? I regretted on my decisions to simply let my emotions out towards them, rather than to swallow it all and have fun with them. 

I had been going on medical service trips to Ansan every month as well. As that was also coming to a close, it was comforting to see how a new doctor came. Everything fell soundly in place, as if God was telling me that I had done a good job. It was time for me to move on, and He will take care of the rest there. I am hoping He would do the same for me in Aeminwon. 

Hello again, Epaphroditus

"But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs...Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety." Philippians 2:25, 28

I had one of the most wonderful time today with my church friends. They had been my small group mates back in 2012. It had been more than 7 years since the group ended, but all of us kept in good touch. Three of the members got married, with one even expecting her second child soon. 

Although we have much fun, I always was less enthusiastic about getting together often. I really had not realized why until today. I saw that I had a deep fear of losing relationships. I was afraid that something could go wrong, and what once was so beautiful would turn sour and dissolve. 

Even reading such bit of Epaphroditus had me worried about his future back home. What if the great joy of seeing a friend again dissipates? What if such a good community of believers turn against each other? What if people change so much that there would not be any reason to get together? What if there was nothing to do when gathered?

Through my time today, I think it bliss to have realized that such worries should be the least of my concern. In Christ, all time spent together was bound to be joyful, endlessly. There would be no reason to worry about what to do, because praising God would be an eternal activity, full of blessings. 

Yes, all could change, all could depart, but I firmly believe that it would be best in the eyes of the LORD.  

Flying Yoga Experiences

For two months, the gym I had been going to decided to close for maintenance. I had spent most of my workout times there with simple weightlifting and swimming, but now I had to find someplace new. 

I thought about picking up jiu jitsu again, but the thought of getting hurt here and there didn't quite catch my motivation. I also thought about trying out pilates, but for some reason, the majority of trainers seemed rather unenthusiastic about giving me lessons. 

Whatever it was, I settled on trying out flying yoga. I had heard most of the students are women, but I had heard mixed reviews; plus, trying out new experiences always seemed fun. 

Honestly, the first few days, I thought I was paying for an exotic BDSM experience. Every time the hammock wrapped around me, I felt new pain I had never knew before. My body was awfully out of shape, especially in grabbing onto the hammock itself. 

I had gotten more used to it at this point, but something I realized was that my body figure was lacking in beauty. The other was that I was lacking much in balance. I was rather confident that I would be able to pick up yoga pretty quickly, but I had not done a good enough job of finding great balance. 

It was a short lived realization, but it was comforting to see again that there was still so much I could learn in life. There was and will always be much to learn, a great stimulation for humility and expectations. 

치카포카

한순간의 일탈의 느낌으로, 그 모든 것은 장난 같이 시작된 인연이었다. 하지만 그의 말투와 분위기, 대화의 반응들은 보니 장난 속에서도 느껴지는 착한 한 어린 아이의 모습이 굉장히 매력적이었다. 이야기하는 그 모든 것들이 어디까지 사실인지도 불확실했지만, 그래도 그 관계의 끈을 잡고 걸어나가보고 싶어졌다. 두려움은 있었지만 그 정도의 도전 없이 누군가를 알아갈 수 없다고 믿었기에, 바보 같아 보일지라도 대화를 이어나갔다.

 

잘생긴 그의 외모와 넉넉한 생활에 직접 말하진 않았어도 인기가 많았을 것 같았다. 그래서인지 나는 많이도 초라해보였다. 그럼에도, 그 수많은 사람들 가운데에서도 나와 시간을 보내주며 나를 알아 가준다는 것에 너무나도 기분이 좋았고 고마울 뿐이었다. 비록 내가 그의 인생에 가장 아름다운 여자가 아닐지라도, 무엇보다도 관계에 대해 끝없이 노력할 의자가 있었기에 그걸로 가장 좋은 여자가 맞을 거라고 믿었다.

 

하지만 그것도 한 순간이었다. 이를 닦는 중에 그에게서 전화가 왔다. 여느 때처럼 반갑게 전화를 받고서 인사를 했을 때 그는 그만하자는 말을 남기고 끊었다. 갑자기 무슨 말인지 물어보기도 전에 전화는 끊어져있었다. 다시 전화를 해도 수신음으로 바로 넘어갔고 나는 멍하니 거울만 쳐다보고 있었다. 그렇게 양치하는 그 짧은 순간에 그는 매정하게 이별을 고했다. 치약에 입술이 얼얼해질 즈음, 관계의 가벼움에 서러움을 넘어 헛웃음이 베어났다.

 

사실 지금도 전화를 받을 때, 좀처럼 다른 일을 이어하지 못한다. 잠시 그 모든 걸 내려놓고 들리는 목소리에 집중하는. 

Ezekiel Woes

"I will make your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth so that you will be silent and unable to rebuke them, for they are a rebellious people." Ezekiel 3:26

Despite my preconceived notions of God, I am always baffled by how vastly greater He is. "How could, why would God do such a?" would be the questions I have. Yet, He never ceases to amaze me. How wonderful would it be to have my thoughts stretch further and beyond, to love God evermore. 

Recent Thoughts on Love

Was there anything that was precious to me? Was there anyone so important to me that I could not do without? 

I seemed to have lived life a step back from it all. I never felt fully engaged to anything. All seemed ephemeral and I decided never to get attached. 

I wondered if loving God was so difficult precisely because I never learned to love anything. Nothing was too precious, not even myself. How was I to love others if I had not loved myself? 

가을바람과 함께

떨어지는 낙엽들과 함께 찾아온 가을바람은 마음의 깊은 곳까지 들어와 잊혀져있던 감정들을 깨우고 떠나는 것만 같았다. 그렇게 쓸쓸한 겨울을 맞이할 것만 같았는데, 마른 나뭇잎 바스락 거리는 소리도 들리지 않을 정도로 조용히 너는 내게 다가왔다. 많이 힘들어 하던 시절 속서로는 위로가 되어주었고, 그렇게 한 시절이 지나 성큼 가까워진 너를 보고 있으니 마음이 자연스레 따뜻해졌다. 때 묻지 않은 너이기에, 선하고 온유했던 너이기에, 이해심 가득하고 기다려주는 너이기에 지금까지 내가 두려움 없이 나의 마음들을 보여줄 수 있었다. 마음을 넘어 보이는 아름다움까지 가득 품고 있는 너와 오랜 시간 좋은 추억들 한아름 남기고 싶다는 마음이 이젠 꽃이 되어 피어 오르고 있다. 언제나 그렇게 영롱하게 빛나주었으면. 

Stay Bright

Apologies, they seem never enough.
I hope you are well, hope you are happy.
Stay bright, stay right.
Congratulations, forevermore.
I'll see you soon, eternity awaits for us.
Within the palace of God, 
in his loving embrace. 

Waiting Game

"This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high. Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one cubit high all around. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks." Genesis 6:15-16

An ark of His saving grace. It was to protect Noah and his family from the coming flood. He was to take in wild animals as well. He was to wait in the ark until God's judgment passed. Odd enough, the ark had no means to navigate. It had no sails, no rudders let alone any directions to prepare oars. 

Noah was to simply float. No sense of direction. No sense of destination. He was to wait. 

I have always sought goals and dreams. I planned and acted upon them. Yet, now I am at a point where there really seems to be nothing there to do but to wait for the Lord. Like Noah, his drifting will not last his entire lifetime. It will come to an end where he can prepare and plan accordingly. For now, for me, I'll wait. 

Shine Like No Other

And their eyes were watching God, through us.
That is what we are, living a life in a fishbowl.
Whenever we walk, turn and act,
they wait to see how we respond,
to agony and pain, temptations and trauma.
Do we fall or rise to the challenge?
Do we reflect the glory of God?
Or taint the image of Him, the Creator?
Yes, His glory shall never fade,
but we are the messengers of God,
for He has called us to be so.
Now is the time, today is the day.
Shine like no other. Shine

Pizza Party!

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Psalm 119-103

Simple question: How many of you would gather to a bible study rather than to a pizza party?

The basic necessities, the carnal desires always seem to outrun our spiritual desires. I’m not chiding anyone for that, but what I wanted to point out was, do you really love God’s words? Do you really recognize that you are a child of God? Do your actions reflect God’s love poured out? The judge is God alone. I am no better. I should be the last person to criticize anyone. I just wanted to ask, to call and to remind.

Truth is so shrouded by stuff. Stuff, not because of my lack of vocabulary, but no other word fits so perfectly. Stuff gets in the way, from important to meaningless. It really is everything. All bad and all good can be obstacles to seeing the truth. How much passion will you grow for the Bible? Will you have enough to carry on your struggles to seek Him?

Questions to Ask God Later

Why does pain have to be a necessity, even almost a medium for God's plans? 
Why does the road toward God have to be one of spikes and thorns? 
Why does goodness have to come at a cost, a sacrifice? 
Why do I feel so ashamed and depressed before God? 
Why does it all have to be so difficult? Why does it have to be this way?

Isaiah 11:1-9

"There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit.

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.

And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear,

but with righteousness he shall judge the poor, and decide with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall strike the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall kill the wicked.

Righteousness shall be the belt of his waist, and faithfulness the belt of his loins.


The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.

The cow and the bear shall graze; their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder's den.

They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain; for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea." Isaiah 11:1-9

To all who are suffering now. There will come a time. 

시간을 함께

현대판 도심 유목민인 마냥 이동하면서 지낸 날들이 생각보다 많았다. 사실 글을 쓰는 이 시점에도 지금의 자리에서 떠날 준비를 하고 있다. 혼자 정처 없이 떠돌아다닌 건 아니지만 여러 나라, 여러 동네에서 많은 사람들의 모습을 보며 자라왔다. 특히나 생각보다 내성적인 성격에 소통보다는 관찰을 먼저 해왔고, 눈치를 보며 그 자리에 잘 스며들도록 노력을 부단히 해왔었다.

갈수록 적응하는 건 자연스러워졌고 오히려 그만큼의 발버둥도 줄어들었다. 여기나 저기나 다 사람 사는 곳이었고, 특히 모두가 달라도 공통되는 한 가지를 발견하게 되었다. 시간이라는 공동 화폐.

많은 사람들이 시간을 생각하면 멈추지 않고 흘러가는 초침을 상상하곤 한다. 아랑곳하지 않고 흘러가기만 하는 매정한 존재. 멈추지 않는 흐름 속에 우리 모두가 함께 가고 있는 듯하다. 하지만 건전지가 닳아 시계가 멈출 때 스치는 생각이 있다면, 나의 시계가 멈춰도 다른 시계들을 흐른다는 것. 결국 우리는 모두 서로 다른 각자의 시간을 살고 있다는 것이다.

나는 100년을, 다른 사람은 10년을 살게 될 수 있고, 결국 제한된 생명 속에 국한되어 있다는 것이다. 얼마가 있는지 모르면서 그냥 살아가고 있는, 아무 생각 없이 사용하고 있는 화폐.

사실 거기에서 사랑을 잠시 이야기할 수 있을 것 같다. 우리는 제한된 존재들이다. 유한함 속에 갇혀 살고 있기에, 지금의 이 시간들이 더 귀하다고 볼 수 있다. 얼마가 있는지 알 수 없지만, 그 귀한 시간을 당신과 함께, 당신을 위해 사용한다면, 결국 그건 자신의 생명을 내어주고 있다고 볼 수 있다.

눈에 보이지도, 손으로 만져지지도 않고, 점수를 매길 수 있거나 맞고 틀림의 문제도 아니겠지만, 결국 하나의 기준, 시간이라는 기준으로 서로 생명을 주고받고 있다는 것이다. 물론 서로의 언어, 표현, 감정의 전달과 생각의 공감은 다를 수 있다. 서로에게 정말 암적인 존재가 되어 해만 끼칠 수도 있다는 두려움이 있지만, 그 모든 것 역시도 결국은 나의 생명을 내어주고 있다는 것이다.

당신을 위해, 나의 것을.

Recent News and Thoughts

My train of thought started from hearing news of the death of a certain celebrity. She was considered a beautiful woman among celebrities. She was young. She was famous, and she committed suicide. It has been said that she had been going through depression. She had been in the spotlight many times, and suffered a lot of criticism beyond normalcy on social media.

I thought about how the church I used to attend started off with a strong vision towards celebrity evangelism. The pastor had such a passion towards celebrities, as he knew just how difficult it was to maintain a health mentality. Although it may seem silly, I really did pray silently for certain celebrities. I especially remember praying for this specific celebrity, but as I was questioning God on the recent turn of events, I felt like I heard an answer saying, "Did you really pray? Do you call that praying?" 

I thought how I prayed. I really had not prayed. It was only just a passing thought that I had lingering for a brief moment. Even if I had, I knew in my mind that it was only for my selfish desires. I thought about how nice and gentle I could be towards such celebrities. I thought about how I could be the one to stay by her side, and see her recover. I thought about how I could have a beautiful girl for myself. I thought about how I could be her salvation and how she could be mine. Love was an idol for me. Love for it had been growing bigger than for God. 

I remembered then how I was never promised such luxury. I had sought happiness in finding love. I wanted a lover, not just any other, but a beautiful one. I was never promised that. I wanted to find happiness through her, but I was never promised happiness either, at least in this life. Yes, I do recognize the glory and joy of being with God here and through heaven eternal was promised, but I was thinking more about finding satisfaction in the world. I was promised Jesus, nothing more. Nothing more needed. 

I then thought about how there would be countless others who were going through depression, having thoughts of suicide themselves, but were not popular enough to be named on media. They truly would be ones that simply disappeared in history. I thought about what I could do for them. I could not think about anything else than praying at the moment, not just to praying in passing, but to really ask for the intervention of God. Perhaps through miraculous ways, or through the hands of his men, may He reach them. Perhaps through me, in grace. 

Curiously

and there she stood, glowing in allure
girl with a mysterious charm, life fully apart
yet a moment crossing was enough
to weave again the threads of fate

and there he stood, gently smiling
boy waiting for a reaching hand, life on hold
yet a moment crossing was enough
to break the spell of wintry wandering

and there they stood, together in hand
both nervous and anxious, life crashing in
yet eternity awaits, heaven abounds
to know one another, to love

첫 한마디

날은 밤으로, 시간은 의미없는 숫자들로
마음이 생각으로, 부족한 모습들로
수많은 이야기들 가운에 함께 거하고 싶지만
"안녕"이라는 단어 하나에 그 모든 것을 담아
그대에게 전해지기를, 그 손을 뻗어주기를

1000 Posts!

A thousand posts!
A thousand days of saying,
thank you Lord.
Teach me how 
to love you more. 

인디가수 속 하나님을

처음으로 음악 페스티발을 가보게 되었다. 파주에 있는 군의관 친구가 행사가 춘천 근처였고 마침 표도 쉽게 구했던 터라 갈 생각이 있냐고 하여 주저 없이 가겠다고 했다. 공보의가 되고 나서 뭐든 해보자는 마음이 여전히 있었기에 별 생각없이 도전하게 되었던 것 같다. 

처음에는 그 유명한 자라섬 재즈 페스티벌인줄 알았지만 KT에서 주최하는 또 다른 행사였다. 물론 놀러 간다는 자체에 들떠있긴 해서 크게 개의치 않아했다. 게다가 다른 행사라면 사람도 그만큼 적게 올 것이라는 생각에 오히려 마음이 더 편해진 것 같았다.

하지만 역시 스타파워는 대단했나보다. 저녁에 장범준과 다이나믹듀오가 온다기에 일찍이부터 사람들이 모여있었고, 태양은 뜨겁게 비추었으나 둘 다 이런 야외 행사를 오는 것이 처음이라 전혀 준비가 되어있지 않았다. 그 뜨거운 태양빛을 그대로 맞으면서 앉아있어야 했다.

그렇게 몇시간만 즐기다 가자는 생각이었지만 뜻밖에 팬심이 불타오르게 되는 가수가 등장했다. 최정윤이라는 인디 가수였는데 음색이며 노래며, 아마 이쁜 것까지도 완벽하게 조화를 이뤘는지 없던 덕력이 피어올랐고 그녀의 SNS를 하나씩 들어가보며 그 가수에 대해 알아가고 있었다. 

인스타 팔로워가 7천오백명 가까이 되어 정말 열심히 따라다니면 실친도 될 수 있지 않을까하는 마음이 가득하였고, 닫아놨던 인스타 계정을 굳이 켜서 팔로우도 하고 댓글도 달며 꽤나 열심히 유투브 비디오들도 보기 시작했다. 

그렇게 다음 콘서트는 어딜까 생각하며 찾아보고 있던 찰나에 문득 하나님에 대한 생각이 들었다. 이렇게 노래 몇곡 부르고 떠난 가수에 대해 열정을 쏟고 있는데, 이 대상이 하나님이었다면 어땠을까 하는 생각이었다.

신기하게도 얼마 전에 하나님께 기도드린 것이 어떻게 하면 하나님을 사랑하는 것인지 알려달라는 것이었다. 서로 사랑하면 하나님을 사랑하라는 말씀을 읽고는 있었지만 그 자세한 하루하루의 결정들에 대해서는 터무니 없이 부족하게만 느껴졌다. 그래서인지 정말 세상 깊은 곳에서 하나님에 대해 알려주신 게 아닌가 싶었다.

그 가수에 대한 이야기를 하듯, 사람들에게 하나님에 대해 알리고, 그분이 얼마나 좋은지, 멋진지, 사랑스러운지 이야기를 하는 것이; 그 가수를 보러 다니려는 노력을 하듯, 하나님께 예배드리는 자리에 나아가며, 하나님의 이름으로 손을 뻗는 자리에 함께하는 것이; 그 가수를 언젠간 직접 만나서 마주하며 서로를 깊게 알아가듯, 하나님을 언젠간 만나 그분과 인격적인 교제를 할 날을 기대하며 살아가는 것이 하나님을 사랑하는 것이 아닐까 생각하게 되었다.

하루하루 모든 사물과 상황 속에서 하나님을 보며, 하나님의 행하심을 생각하며, 하나님의 사랑을 느끼는 것이 결국 신앙인의 삶의 방식이 되어야 하는 것 같다. 그렇게 설레는 마음으로 하나님을 바라보며 살게 된 때까지, 미소를 지으며 살아가고 싶다. 

Stick Around

It is always fun to talk to friend you haven't seen in a while. At the same time, it is pretty disheartening to see them drift away from God. Over the years, I have found it natural to see those who had been at the forefront of spirituality and church move away from it all. I have drifted away as well, but at times think it is perhaps the loss of youthful passion. Nonetheless, I still believe it is the responsibility of a Christian to maintain a certain fervor for God, but that is never easy said than done. 

When I meditate on all that God had done for me, I find a smile and a certain love towards Him. I often forget about it, but I know it is there. So, whenever I urge others to love God, I find it very ironic, for love doesn't spring up. It requires interaction for both parties. Honestly, even dating and marriage seems like a miracle. 

As much as I would like to see old friends growing abundantly in God, if it is not the case I would like to leave a message of encouragement. Do not be anxious in finding love. Sometimes it needs diligence, sometimes passion, or even just time. A change in environment may help, maybe not. Just try to stick around. 

Lately

I didn't intend to lengthen the days of silence. I guess I just haven't been keen on writing much lately. I will leave by sharing a few thoughts I have been dealing with.

1. On living life: Outwardly, nothing has changed. I am still in service. I may be a tad older, hopefully a little better in shape, but not much else. Inwardly however, I have been through a wild journey. Although at times not so presentable nor stately, I have experience much to life, specifically in regards to being away from God's lovely home. I guess I have seen the world outside the walls of the church. I have seen the temptations, the hurts, the brokenness that resides in all human nature. At times I felt I was one with the world, the same dirty and faulty self. At other times, I had in mind that I would never be truly one of them. 

After all I have been through, I felt like I had become the second son from the first, having left home after being a "good" son. Being back, I wondered what then I should be doing, and His answer seemed to be love. As with the first book of John, God seemed to want me to love. Not simply to love objects, but people. Honestly, I know in my head, but still am unsure on what my daily actions would have to be to reflect such a command. In any case, such was my thoughts on life

2. On the future: As times of change are coming, I wished to look further out as well. I remember several prays I had made while younger, but circumstances have certainly changed. I wanted some kind of a vision statement from God. I had remembered I always wanted to leave the country to a developing one, and I certainly still hope to spend couple of years in one. Nevertheless, I have started to feel like God wants me to stay in the city and help those within. It occurred to me that I wished to leave more so of my desire to rid of responsibilities. I wanted to lose social ties. However, I remember God calling me back to Korea, as though I would be needed more here. I felt by sermons and scripture that God did not despise cities as if they were defiled, but loved them as his people were heavily populated within. 

This carried onto my thoughts on marriage. I had made my mind to find someone who shared such thoughts on urban ministry. Although it may be that much tougher to resist temptations heavily lying in cities, but I am sure there would be temptation anywhere. Wherever I was, with God, life would be heaven. 

All in all, I am simply trying to enjoy praising God and praying more. Until next time!

Mental Notes #71242

Proud Entitlement to Humble Confidence: Remembering all

Come Back Home

Drifting off into the sunset, or is it sunrise?
Days go by, time is but a number.
I have wandered too far whilest knowing the direction
Or rather I knew not fully
If I had, would I not have fallen off course?
Nonetheless, I am where I stand now.
No excuses, though regrets linger a few.
The journey back seems tough, but I know.
The LORD will lead on, and I will be safely in His arms
once more, once more. 

Coming Down from the Throne

"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.'" Romans 12:19

Come down from the throne. Let God avenge. It is not mine to decide. Hold no grudge. All of it may just as be God's design. 

Belly of the

"When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple." Jonah 2:7

And though Jonah was lying in the belly of the fish, he prayed. He sincerely prayed, knowing that God is gracious and kind. Jonah knew God forgives and saves. 

When my life is ebbing away, and it surely is, let me remember the LORD.  

Into the Arms of Christ

There lived an elderly couple in front of the church we served. We had prepared a festival and invited the neighbors of the town. As it was nearing time, the elderly woman came out of the house, greeted by many of us volunteers. We had asked where grandpa was, and she said he didn't want to come. We all cried out for him to come out, but there was no response. She simply said he was hard of hearing.

Minutes into the festival, a volunteer cried out, "Grandpa!" He had come out of the house himself. Shaking in his legs, he had much trouble walking at all, but on one hand, a volunteer held him close. As he had come into the church grounds, the pastor, with his loving smile, grabbed him by the hand, and the three of them gently led him into church. 

All the while, I was watching from the side. It all seemed to be an image of Jesus gently leading down his child into the arms of God, into heaven. And that is what we are, leading people into Christ, hand in hand. Though slow and fragile, Jesus will carry on. 

제천으로

1일차 생각들/기도제목
한 시간 거리라 아웃리치라는 생각도 들지 않아서인지, 괜히 돌아갈까, 피곤하고 귀찮다는 생각이 스멀스멀 올라 오곤 합니다. 하지만 함께하는 빌더스 친구들을 보며, 말이라도 걸어친해져야겠다는 생각에 연약한 마음을 꾹꾹 눌렀습니다. 애써 그들의 이야기들을 끌어내어보니 다들 누군가에게 이끌리어 왔다는 것을 알게 되었습니다, 하나님 앞에 딱히 바라는 것 없이, 소망 없이. 그들에게 하나님이 누구신지, 하나님과의 관계가 형성되길 바라는 마음으로 기도해야겠다는 생각이 강하게 들었습니다. 하나님으로 정말 즐거워하는 빌더스가 되길 바라며.


2일차+3일차새벽 생각들/기도제목
어제는 하루가 순식간에 지나갔습니다. 팀별로 흩어져 주어진 사역에 충실히 임했고, 모두 모여 뜨겁게 찬양하며 예배시간을 갖기도 했습니다. 비록 뜨거운 햇빛 아래 고생스러운 면도 있었지만, 주님께 드린 일분일초가 아쉽지 않고, 하나님께서 모두 기억하신다는 것을 잊지 않기를 바라고 있습니다. 예배 중에 하나님을 만나기 원한다고 소원한 모든 이들에게 예수님께서 친히 만나주시기를 바랍니다. 이제 곧 시작될 마을잔치 사역 가운데 수많은 어르신분들께서 하나님을 만나 교회로 나아오게 되길 기도 부탁드립니다. 특히 하나님을 아는 것을 원치 않는 악한 영들이 떠나가고, 그 모든 일들 행하실 하나님을 기대할 수 있기를 바랍니다.


마지막 생각들/기도제목
마을잔치 시간이 되어 어르신분들이 한 분 한 분 걸어오시는 것을 봤습니다. 특히 한 할아버지는 한 손에는 목사님 손을, 다른 손에는 청년의 손을 붙잡고 교회로 걸어 들어가셨습니다. 그 모습을 보니 인생의 끝에 예수님 손 꼭 잡고 천국으로 가실 모습이 그려졌습니다. 남은 삶의 여정 가운데 주님과 함께하길 기도하고 싶습니다. 그 할아버지 뿐만 아니라, 열방의 모두가. 저는 비록 일찍 자리를 비우게 되었지만, 모두가 하나님의 은혜를 더욱 누리고, 섬긴 이 교회를 통해서 모든 곳에 임할 축복의 통로가 되길 기도합니다. 떠나는 중 마지막 기도제목은 이 모든 은혜를 잊지 않고, 돌아가는 순간부터도 영적 싸움 중에 승리할 수 있게 되길 기도해주세요!

A Daily Reminder

And don't forget, you deserve better. 

홍연 - 안예은

세상에 처음 날 때 인연인 사람들은 
손과 손에 붉은 실이 이어진 채 온다 했죠
당신이 어디 있든 내가 찾을 수 있게 
손과 손에 붉은 실이 이어진 채 왔다 했죠
눈물진 나의 뺨을 쓰담아 주면서도 
다른 손은 칼을 거두지 않네
또 다시 사라져 산산이 부서지는 눈부신 우리의 날들이 
다시는 오지 못할 어둠으로 가네

고운 그대 얼굴에 피를 닦아주오
나의 모든 것들이 손대면 사라질 듯 
끝도 없이 겁이 나서 무엇도 할 수 없었다 했죠
아픈 내 목소리에 입맞춰 주면서도 
시선 끝엔 내가 있지를 않네
또 다시 사라져 아득히 멀어지는 찬란한 우리의 날들이 
다시는 오지 못할 어둠으로 가네
산산이 부서지는 눈부신 우리의 날들이 
다시는 오지 못할 어둠으로 
당신은 세상에게 죽고 나는 너를 잃었어 
돌아올 수가 없네
다시 돌아올 수가 없네

홍연 - 안예은

Take a Step

What am I waiting for? What was I praying about? The unwillingness to participate stemming from something. Was it the past? The accumulated experiences? Whatever it was, it was paralyzing. I truly wanted to act upon God's command, or did I? Not just the commands written in the Bible, but the living word. I do not want to be where I should not be. I want to do what is meaningful. I do not want to suffer if I do not have to. And all these words and thoughts spiral out, plunging me into darkness.

Yet, all I had to do was take a step. 

Reflection: Psalm 66:13-14

"I will come into your house with burnt offerings; I will perform my vows to you, that which my lips uttered and my mouth promised when I was in trouble." Psalm 66:13-14

A short reflection. In prayer, the utterance of promises I had made to God are whisked up one by one. Allow me to remember them all, and keep my words. Let me come to You with burnt offerings, of myself as living sacrifice. 

Celebration in Bangkok

"And the brothers there, when they heard about us, came as far as the Forum of Appius and Three Taverns to meet us. On seeing them, Paul thanked God and took courage." Acts 28:15

I will be heading to Bangkok, Thailand for a short mission trip tomorrow. The church invited missionary families near the region as a "healing" convention where we serve them with events, lectures, celebrations and more, as a reminder that they are remembered and loved by God. 

Personally, I was looking for some message from God that I am indeed welcome to be a part of this. In reading the scripture, I came across the passage where Paul finally arrives in Rome. Upon seeing fellow believers, Paul was very much encouraged. 

So, although what little encourage I may be, I like to believe that God is happy to see me be a part of this. Bode me well!

Excerpt from "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Doubt and reflection take the place of spontaneous obedience.

… [The young man] had hoped to avoid committing himself to any definite moral obligations by forcing Jesus to discuss his spiritual problems. He had hoped Jesus would offer him a solution of his moral difficulties. But instead he finds Jesus attacking not his question but himself. The only answer to his difficulties is the very commandment of God, which challenges him to have done with academic discussion and to get on with the task of obedience. Only the devil has an answer for our moral difficulties, and he says: “Keep on posing problems, and you will escape the necessity of obedience.” But Jesus is not interested in the young man’s problems; he is interested in the young man himself. He refuses to take those difficulties as seriously as the young man does. There is one thing only which Jesus takes seriously, and that is, that it is high time the young man began to hear the commandment and obey it. Where moral difficulties are taken so seriously, where they torment and enslave man, because they do not leave him open to the freeing activity of obedience, it is there that his total godlessness is revealed. All his difficulties are shown to be ungodly, frivolous and the proof of sheer disobedience. The one thing that matters is practical obedience. That will solve his difficulties and make him (and all of us) free to become the child of God. Such is God’s diagnosis of man’s moral difficulties.

The young man has now been twice brought face to face with the truth of the Word of God, and there is no further chance of evading his commandment. It is clear there is no alternative but to obey it. But he is still not satisfied. “All these things have I observed from my youth up: what lack I yet?” Doubtless he was just as convinced of his sincerity this time as he was before. But it is just here that his defiance of Jesus reaches its climax. He knows the commandment and has kept it, but now, he thinks, that cannot be all God wants of him, there must be something more, some extraordinary and unique demand, and this is what he wants to do. The revealed commandment of God is incomplete, he says, as he makes the last attempt to preserve his independence and decide for himself what is good and evil. He affirms the commandment with one hand and subjects it to a frontal attack on the other. “All these things have I observed from my youth up.” St Mark adds at this point: “and Jesus looking upon him loved him” (Mark 10:21). Jesus sees how hopelessly the young man has closed his mind to the living Word of God, how serious he is about it, and how heartily he rages against the living commandment and the spontaneous obedience it demands. Jesus wants to help the young man because he loves him.” -  The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Spiritual Paralysis

하나님께서는 그저 순종하라고 하신다. 내 신앙의 그 모든 문제들은 그저 순종하기 싫어하는 마음의 발버둥이라고. 하지만 경험과 오해라는 것이 나를 마비시키고 있음이 느껴진다. 그렇게 묻지 않고 순종을 한 뒤 내게 남겨진 건 공허함과 육체적 피로, 쌓여가는 상처들과 깊은 회의감뿐이었다. 과연 그 시간동안 내가 하나님과 함께하긴 한건지. 이것이 정말 하나님께서 원하셨던 것인지 고민하게 되며, 결국 다음엔 하나님의 확실한 부르심이 아니면 움직이지 않으려는 마음이 굳어진 것 같다. 

사실 피곤한 것도 괜찮고, 고단한 것도 참을 수 있을 것 같다. 다만 그 모든 일이 끝난 뒤에 내가 혼자 덩그러니 남겨지는 그 기분이 너무 괴로울 뿐이다. 하나님을 사랑해서 한 것이 아니기에 그렇다고 누군가 이야기한다. 사랑해서 한다해도 그 끝에 하나님의 잔잔한 음성을 듣고 잠에 들고 싶다. 사실 사랑이 뭔지도 잘 모르겠다.

하지만 결국 이랬으면 저랬으면 하는 그 마음은 나의 욕심이라는 생각이 든다. 마음 내려놓고 순종하는 게 맞는 것 같다. 그렇게 공허해도, 피곤해도, 언젠간 하나님에 대한 오해도 풀리고, 주님 마주할 날이 올 거라 믿기 원한다. 기쁘게 순종할 때도, 울며 순종할 때도 있겠지만 말이다. 멀고 먼 지구 반대편에서 이런 고민에 대한 응답을 누군가를 통해서 주신 것을 생각해보면, 내가 생각하는 것보다 하나님은 많은 것을 듣고 행하시는 게 아닐까 싶다. 

Never Stop Praying

"Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way." 1 Samuel 12:23

Every time I meet someone from the past days, I always have a sense of embarrassment: The fact that I did not carry on a better relationship with God, the fact that I did not seem to grow in spirituality, and the fact that I had not prayed fervently for them. With bits of bitterness and sorrow, I grow smaller. 

Cruise Hype

All aboard!

This was my first time getting on a cruise ship. My father was on his sabbatical, and he was to take April, May and June off. My older brother was working in Maine, so my parents decided to spend time with him. 

In a conversation with his boss, my brother was told about vacations on a cruise ship. His boss suggested the idea after hearing that the parents were going to be over, and naturally, my brother thought it would be a good opportunity for our parents. 

Thus, he went on and planned for everything, but my mother left some words that went along the lines of, "It would be great if the entire family could go together..." In an instant, I was flung into the plan, as well as my brother. It quickly became a family trip, and I had to take my precious days off my annual leave. 

Despite the long hours on the plane and the banging headache from jet lag, I made it safe on the cruise along with my family. To be honest, I thought it was more so an exclusive luxury trip, but it was more of a wild party ship, full of people. Well, on the bright side, because of that, I got to see a lot of people. 

It had been at least six years since I last visited the US. Something I noticed from the start was that many were obese. Also, there were really a lot of races, a lot of different cultures shown within the people. People were just living their lives, separate goals, separate outlooks. Everyone was just simply different.  

As each day passed, the daily issues I had back home became smaller. I started to wonder what I was being chased by so much. In a social sense, I guess it was from the fact that the population density in Seoul was enormous. On top of that, the more or less racial homogeneity made people seem to want similar goals in life. Not to mention the limited resources within the country as well as comparatively weaker status among nations near. The culmination of all of that somehow made me running after money and fame, just like how everyone else seemed to be doing. 

I was reminded that this was not a healthy way to live. Everyone was created each in their own uniqueness by God, each with their separate missions, but one unified purpose: to praise and serve God. Though the looks may be vastly different, there really was no one true handsomeness and beauty. Though the numbers on bank accounts may be different, it was by no means of judging someone. Way of thought and behavior was just another color to this world.  

Though physically straining, it was good to be with the family again. I got to feel loved again, as I was getting pretty lonely living alone in Chuncheon. I guess this was why taking a break every year was recommended. 

I'm just hope this brighter mind would last longer, at least until the next break. 

Are You Better?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

The speakers in the car carried on the voice of the pastor. It asked, "Are you better than God? If not, why do you blatantly disobey his commands?"

They were simple words, but alarmed my mind. What had I been thinking? Or, to be clearer, had I ever been thinking at all?

There just seemed to be too much to know about God, yet I was searching through the world, looking for anything that seemed fun to do. All the guide posts, the signs, the words of God that shout that is not the way, came flashing before my eyes.

It definitely was the time to turn back now. I had spent enough time away from God.

Ask yourself too. Are you better than God?

SNS: Social Neuroticism Summarized

9시 51분.

끝나지 않는 업무에 시달리다 가까스로 탈출했다. 회사에서 먹는 저녁 겸 야식은 언제나 배를 아프게 하지만, 그래도 어떻게든 입에 넣게 된다. 그래서인지 건강 생각에 아무리 힘들어도 운동을 다녀오는 건지. 아니. 사실 그것보다는 남들이 다 하는 것 같아서 나도 덩달아 등록한 것 같다. 운동하는 남자가 인기가 많다고 하니.


11시 47분.

집에 와서 컴퓨터 앞에 앉아 맥주 한 캔을 다 마실 때까지 스포츠 하이라이트들을 하나씩 챙겨본다. 축구를 넘어 농구, 그리고 딱히 관심 없던 야구나 배구 영상들도 괜히 한두 개씩 눌러 보게 된다. 맥주는 이미 다 마셨어도 어느새 유튜브에 여자 연예인과 아이돌 영상들을 보고 있는 나 자신을 발견한다. 정말 이쁘다는 생각과, 괜히 눈만 높아져서 내가 혼자인 건지, 언젠간 이런 사람을 만나겠다는 막연한 망상과 함께 그 아이돌들과는 띠동갑도 넘었다는 사실에 괴리감이 들기 시작한다. 어차피 만날 수 있는 것도 아니었는데. 내가 지금 무슨 생각을 하고 있는 건지 자각이 들 즈음에 샤워를 하고 침대에 눕는다.


1시 13분.

불을 이미 끄고 이불 속으로 들어가 있지만 멀뚱히 핸드폰만 바라본다. 끼적 끼적, 시간이 흐르는 것이 느껴진다. 내일의 일은 나를 기다리고 있지만, 하루를 왠지 낭비한 것 같은 기분에 괜히 그 끝자락을 잡는 심정이다. 어깨가 아프기 시작하면 돌아눕고, 핸드폰도 한 번쯤은 얼굴에 떨어뜨려주고. 그렇게 인스타그램에 수많은 사람들을 스쳐 지나가게 된다. 하나 둘 넘기며, 다른 사람들의 삶을 훔쳐본다. 왠지 성격이 안 좋을 것 같으니 패스. 멀리 있는 사람은 만나러 가기 귀찮으니 패스. 나는 이런 이쁜 사람에게는 답장도 못 받을 것 같으니 패스. 디엠을 보냈을 때 답장을 받은 적이 있긴 했던가.


2시 26분.

너의 이름이 적혀있는 추천. 어차피 비공개 계정이라 아무것도 안 보이겠지만 괜히 한번 누르게 된다. 너의 모습을 혹시나 볼 수 있을지, 구글 이미지에 너의 계정을 검색해 보고 한 남자의 계정을 발견했다. 얼굴을 맞대고 찍은 사진, 여행을 떠난 사진. 환하게 웃고 있는 너의 모습이 가득한 그의 인스타그램을 보고 내 스스로가 역겨워졌다. 사실 그렇게 그이의 인스타그램에서 너의 모습을 보고 있던 것이 이미 몇 주는 된 것 같다. 언젠간 그 계정에서 같이 찍은 사진들이 사라진다면 내가 연락을 할 수 있을까, 해도 괜찮을까.


3시 8분.

결국 보내지도 않을 메시지는 길게도 적어놨다. 시대가 변해도, 모습은 달라져도, 사랑 때문에 사람이 지질하게 되는 방법은 언제나 있기 마련인 것 같다. 시간을 초월해도 나는 이렇게 지나간 것들에 얽매어 발버둥 치고 있진 않을까.


6시 32분.

또 다른 하루, 또 다른 생각들과 선택들. 씁쓸한 미소는 불평과 불만 가운데 어떻게든 감사해야 한다는 압박감을 나타내는 것일까. 뜨거운 샤워와 차려지지 않는 정신, 쓰린 속을 움켜쥐고 그렇게 또 출근을 한다.

The Past Years

Though I pray that you may never experience what I had, but I have counted the seconds wash off time, see myself erased in the eyes of society, disappear. Yet, the hand of the LORD was upon me, and another hallelujah, I say. 

헨리 나우웬의 "이 잔을 들겠느냐"에서

"댈러스, 가장 중요한 질문을 했어요. 여기 계신 여러분 모두 새벽 공동체를 서로 사랑하고 보호해 주는 여러분의 집으로 만들고 싶어한다는 것을 잘 알고 있습니다. 여러분이 사랑하고 또 여러분을 사랑하는 사람들이 떠나는 이유가 뭐냐고요? 왜 자꾸 이별의 아픔을 겪어야 하느냐고요? 

어쩌면 여러분 중에는 사람들이 정말로 여러분을 사랑하는 것이 아니라고 생각하는 사람들도 있을겁니다. 정말로 사랑한다면 떠나지 말아야 하는 것이 아닌가 하고 생각할 수도 있지요.

그런데 여러분에게는 사명이 있습니다. 여러분과 함께 살았고 여러분에게 많은 것을 주었으며 또한 여러분에게서 많은 것을 받았던 자원봉사자들이 여러분 곁을 떠나는 것이라고 생각하지 마십시오. 오히려 여러분이 그들을 가정과 학교로 다시 되돌려 보내는 것이라고 생각하세요. 

여러분과 나누었던 사랑을 세상에 전하기 위해서 말이죠. 물론 어려운 일입니다. 그들을 떠나보내기가 얼마나 고통스러운지 나도 알아요. 하지만 그들을 돌려보내는 것이 여러분에게 주어진 사명이라는 것을 깨닫는다면 그분들이 인생 여정을 계속할 수 있도록 기꺼이 놓아줄 수 있게 될 겁니다. 그분들이 여러분에게 주었던 기쁨은 추억으로 간직하면서 말이죠." 

이 잔을 들겠느냐 - 헨리 나우웬

Life in Death

My parents left to visit my brother in Maine. On the day of their departure, I was to take a day off to give them a ride to the city airport terminal. They were to leave Friday morning, so I was back home by Thursday evening. I was attending a church meeting when I heard the news from a friend that a classmate from medical school had passed away. The news was completely out of the blue that I actually felt no emotion spring up. 

I had gotten to know him through the school church praise team. He was a bit younger than I was, studying to be a nurse. Thanks to his great personality, we got close pretty quickly, but the times I felt that I really connected with him was from seeing that both of us had deep outcries of the heart for some meaning and value in life. We both seemed to suffer from nihilistic thoughts while trying to understand Christianity.

In few hours news articles on his death were prevalent. It was not because he was a celebrity nurse, but because his death was odd. He was found dead in the bathroom stall of a shopping mall. He was reported to be holding a needle in one hand, but initial examination found little evidence of homicide nor suicide. 

I have my thoughts on what happened, but nothing will ever be completely known. I was just sorry that I had not kept in touch for the past few years. 

Nonetheless, I was fortunately enough to attend his funeral. Although the few funerals I had attending were most of my friends who had experienced losses, this was the time I attending a funeral in honor of a friend. It was surreal to be talking to the parents, but I could tell they received much comfort from all those that had attended.

After paying my condolences, I had a chance to talk to old classmates of mine. Amidst the sadness, we all shared good moments in the name of the friend. Though it was still so absurd life dissipated so haplessly, there were moments of significance within the absurdity. 

The fact that there was an end of all of this made all moments ever so valuable.  

I never knew what people did to enjoy life, but I felt like I was beginning to understand the beauty of human interaction. As much as that sounds sociopathic, I simply hoped that my friend got to know that as well. I will be praying that his soul rests peacefully within the arms of God and that his family finds comfort knowing that. 

Though from apart, in distant planes, sharing time and place, a moment was ever so beautiful, and I am glad to have found out about it. Amidst death, I saw human frailty. Amidst the weakness, I found the love of Christ. 

Rest in peace.

죽음 속 생명

전혀 다른 공간에서 다른 모습으로 살아왔지만
한 공간에서 그 순간을 공유한다는 것이
참으로 놀랍고도 기쁜 기적이었다. 
죽음 가운데서 인간의 연약함을 발견했고,
그 연약함 가운데서 하나님의 사랑을 보았다.
조금은 늦었지만 이제라도 알게 된 것에
무한한 감사함으로 나아가게 된다. 

Outcry

"What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention, that you examine them every morning and test them every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant? If I have sinned, what have I done to you, you who see everything we do? Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you? Why do you not pardon my offenses and forgive me sins? For I will soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I will be no more." Job 7:17-21

The outcry of Job rings in my ears, as if my soul cries out the same anguish towards the LORD. How many nights have I suffered inside my head, alone to my thoughts. How many days have I spent feeling alone, feeling no presence of God. How many times have I felt God grinding over me as if I had been something. What am I that you make so much of me?

The answer I know, but the voice of Him is what I wish to hear. 

Love in Action

"Love doesn't look away. And it doesn't walk away. It involves itself. It inconveniences itself. It indebts itself." Moments with the Savior, Ken Gire

Both need to go hand in hand: a faithful prayer and a passionate servitude. 

그 고난 속에서 함께

연애를 오래 하는 것이 내게는 어려운 일이다. 감사하게나마 1년을 넘게 만난 친구도 있긴 했지만 역시 헤어짐이 찾아왔고 그 후에는 여전히 짧은 만남만 가득히 나의 인생을 채워왔다. 그렇다고 해서 그 모든 사람들이 내게 가볍게만 여겨진 것은 아니다. 특히나 마음속에서 자꾸 나오는 한 사람이 있다. 그 사람이 생각나서 뭘 어떻게 해보겠다는 건 전혀 없다. 다만 가끔씩 보게 되는 그녀의 근황에 마음이 씁쓸해진다는 것뿐이다.

소식에는 그녀가 아름답게 결혼을 했고, 귀한 자녀까지 하나님께서 선물해주셨다는 것이었다. 그리고는 암이 발견되어 치료를 받으러 갔고 다행히 치료가 잘 되었다고 한다. 의사로서 치료가 잘 되는 암이었으니 그러려니 했지만 인간으로서는 그 마음의 무게가 얼마나 되었을까 생각조차 하고 싶지 않았다.

사실 그 어릴 적 그녀를 만날지 고민하던 중, 그녀의 건강이 괜히 신경 쓰였다. 몸이 썩 건강하지만은 않았다는 것을 알았고, 그 역시 만남을 진행하는 걸림돌 중 하나쯤은 되지 않았을까 싶다. 하지만 그렇게 이 모습, 저 모습, 하나 둘 마음에 들지 않는 것들을 고르다 보니 남는 것이 무엇이 있을까 하는 회의감이 든다. 그런 아픔 가운데에서도 함께했다면 그만큼 관계가 소중해지고 깊어졌을 것인데. 그때에 그런 것을 알지 못했다는 것이 서러웠다. 그때 지혜롭지 못한 나의 모습이 너무 미워졌다.

하지만 다 과거의 일이고, 오늘의 나는 여전히 같은 실수를 반복하는 것은 아닐지. 그녀가 하나님 안에서 평안하길 잠시 기도하며, 나의 어리석음이 하나님께서 예비하신 그 사람을 만나는데 문제가 되지 않기를 바라본다.

Restore Love

Restoring love to its finest form
The LORD shall do it
You only need be still

그 길목에서

"여호와의 사자가 그에게 이르되 너는 어찌하여 네 나귀를 이같이 세 번 때렸느냐 보라 내 앞에서 네 길이 사악하므로 내가 너를 막으려고 나왔더니" 민수기 22:32

말씀을 묵상하기 전에 이런 기도가 흘러나왔습니다:

솔직히 남은 공보의 생활에 미련은 없습니다. 1년도 역시 금방 지나갈 것을 알지만, 가장 두려운 것은 다가올 병원 생활입니다. 수련을 받는 동안 밥도 잘 못 먹고, 잠도 잘 못 자고, 극심한 스트레스에 지쳐갈 것을 다들 이야기하곤 합니다. 하지만 그런 고난이 두렵다는 것은 아닙니다. 제가 가장 걱정하고 두려워하는 것은 제 스스로가 하나님이 기뻐하실 선택들을 하지 못하고 악하게 변해갈 수 있다는 것입니다. 힘들면 짜증이 나기 마련이고, 그렇게 다른 사람들에게 함부로 말하고, 존중과 예의 없이 환자들을 대하거나, 혹은 감사함이 사라져 원망스러운 삶을 살아갈까 두렵습니다. 하나님의 신실하심을 의심하는 것이 아닌, 저의 불완전함이 가장 두렵습니다. 아무리 추악한 모습으로 살아도 하나님께서 끝까지 사랑하시고 그 훗날의 모습은 하나님께서 기뻐하실 모습으로 회복시켜주실 것을 믿지만 그때, 그 순간, 그날 하루하루의 모습이 하나님의 사랑을 나타내지 못할까 겁이 납니다. 굳건한 마음으로 완벽할 순 없어도 하나님이 완벽하시니 그것을 추구하는 모습으로 살길 기도해주세요.

그런 기도를 마치고 그날의 말씀을 묵상하는 중에 하나님께서 발람의 이야기로 저에게 말씀해 주셨습니다: 아무리 나의 연약함이 악한 길로 나를 이끈다 해도 하나님께서는 그의 기이한 방법과 모습으로 나를 길에 멈춰 세우고 깨닫게 하실 것을.

그런 하나님에 대한 믿음이 부족했음을 회개하고, 그런 주님을 신뢰하고, 나의 연약함까지 다 아시고 지켜주실 하나님께 찬양합니다.

서로를 위한 기도

"모든 기도와 간구로 항상 성령 안에서 기도하고 이를 위해 늘 깨어서 모든 일에 인내하며 성도를 위해 간구하십시오." 에베소서 6:18

가끔 지금 상황에서 내가 하나님 앞에서 무얼 할 수 있을까 고민을 하게 될 때가 종종 있다. 물론 하나님께서 너무나도 많은 것들을 주셨고 그 가운데 내가 찾아 나서서 하나님께서 명하신 것들을 행하는 것도 중요한 것을 알고 있다. 하지만 때론 어디서부터 무얼 해야 할지 모를 때가 있는데, 그럴 때 특히나 더 신경 써야 할 것이 기도인 것 같다. 

하나님께서는 이미 그 모든 것을 알고 계시고 모든 것을 행하시고 계신데, 그런 분 앞에서 하나님께 무슨 말을 하며 무슨 부탁을 드릴까 회의감이 들 때가 있는 것이 사실이다. 하나님을 찬양하는 기도란 것이 있겠지만 하나님께서는 우리에게 주신 생명의 일부분인 시간을 떼어 하나님께 구하고 다른 이들을 위해 나의 삶을 주는 것에 크게 기뻐하신다는 것을 기억해야 할 것 같다. 언제나 함께 하기를 원하시는 주님께 그 모든 것을 이야기하며, 나누며, 혼자만을 생각하며 기도하는 것이 아닌, 모두 함께 하나님과 하나 되길 기도하는 것을 잊지 않아야 할 것 같다. 

믿음에 대한 기도

세상 앞에 그 어떤 것도 두렵지 않습니다.
다만, 제가 두려운 것은 세상 앞에 그 어떤 것을 마주했을 때에
하나님을 잊고, 신뢰하지 못할 제 모습입니다.
제게 지혜 주시고, 믿음을 주시길 기도합니다. 

"As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19

Quail Trouble

"Now a wind went out from the Lord and drove quail in from the sea. It scattered them up to two cubits deep all around the camp, as far as a day’s walk in any direction. All that day and night and all the next day the people went out and gathered quail. No one gathered less than ten homers. Then they spread them out all around the camp. But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the Lord burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague." Numbers 11:31-33

I always wondered why God was so angry towards the Israelites. Was it not natural to want to eat meat? They had been eating manna three times a day. They were eating a one menu meal for days. For the longest time, God seemed cruel to me.

However, it is quite amazing how reading the same passage year and again displays more insight towards it. Upon meeting the scripture again, I realized that God probably would have provided the Israelites with any kinds of delicacies if they had asked. The Israelites, by complaining, were being unfaithful towards God's endless power. They were ungrateful towards their saving grace. It was more so their negligence and honor to God than to some desire for meat. That only came as a consequence of their decreasing faith. 

Only if I would ask would I have all that God had designed for me to enjoy. 

Closed Room

A room full of books with so much time. 
Knowledge leaks out in all spaces. 
Yet, even with all the wisdom, he remains a child. 
Playful at heart, imagination running wild. 
As long as the room remains shut, he will stay young, innocent, immature.

Only through walking across the wild, venturing into the unknown, 
being scarred, being bruised, being healed and being loved, will he grow. 
Only through hardships and reality, with people, will be become an adult.

All this has yet to come. It may never as well. 
So much time, so little. 
The room still remains shut, almost ready to be burst open.

Precious Stones

"They fashioned the breastpiece—the work of a skilled craftsman. They made it like the ephod: of gold, and of blue, purple and scarlet yarn, and of finely twisted linen. It was square—a span long and a span wide—and folded double. Then they mounted four rows of precious stones on it. The first row was carnelian, chrysolite and beryl; the second row was turquoise, lapis lazuli and emerald; the third row was jacinth, agate and amethyst; the fourth row was topaz, onyx and jasper. They were mounted in gold filigree settings. There were twelve stones, one for each of the names of the sons of Israel, each engraved like a seal with the name of one of the twelve tribes." Exodus 39:8-14 

Carnelian, chrysolite, beryl, turquoise, lapis lazuli, emerald, jacinth, agate, amethyst, topaz, onyx, and jasper.

What value would these precious stones have to God? It is for us to understand. It is for us that God chose these gems to represent His people, that they are so bright and valuable, so precious we are in His sight. Lovely, that is what we are. 

Praying 12

"아론이 성소에 들어갈 때에는 이스라엘 아들들의 이름을 기록한 이 판결 흉패를 가슴에 붙여 여호와 앞에 영원한 기념을 삼을 것이니라" 출애굽기 28:29

이집트를 탈출한 이스라엘 백성들에게 하나님의 백성으로 살 수 있게 지켜 나가야할 규칙과 규율들을 전하시는 장면에서 제사장의 의복, 그중에 제사장이 입고 다닐 흉패에 대한 설명 중 하나이다. 

제사장의 흉패에는 보석들에 이스라엘의 열두아들의 이름을 적어서 하나님 앞에 나아갈 때마다 열두지파를 생각하라고 하신다. 어떤 결정을 내릴 때에도 그 백성을 생각하라는 의미이겠지만, 지금 시대에 사는 나로서는 내가 하나님 앞에 기도하는 마음으로 가지고 갈 열두 이름을 생각해보게 되었다. 

왕 같은 제사장으로 우리를 부르신만큼 하나님 앞에 기도해야할 적어도 열두명의 사람들을 생각해보게 되었다. 사랑하는 가족들과 친구들, 그리고 영적 동역자들. 이들만큼은 무슨 일이 있어도 함께 하나님 나라에서 보고 싶다는 마음으로 기도해야겠다는 생각이 들었다. 

나는 다른 누군가의 열두명에 속할 수 있을까?

Marriage Dream

A dream, I haven't had in a while, made it all the more sweeter. I had seen in the Bible that God had spoken many a times in dreams, and I had prayed to experience likewise. 

And there I was driving up a steep hill, up to where a school had been. I was a teacher or a guidance counselor of a sort. The hill was more like a cliff, and after several occasions of near-fall situations, I had arrived. 

Now it was a wedding venue, and I was the one getting married. I realized that I had met the bride just hours ago, and we had agreed to get married. I barely knew her, but was just jumping into it. I remember I did not have the guts to call it quits. 

I went in a room to get dressed and after having came out, I was late. The ceremony was over. 

Though it was a brief dream, there in my heart was gladness and joy in having gotten married. I figured I seek marriage as something of a treasure deep inside. 

Our Father

“This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name'" Matthew 6:9

When asked how to pray, Jesus starts by saying "Our Father." From a sermon I have heard, the pastor talks about how Jesus does not start by calling out God as Creator, Master, nor King, but by saying Father. 

In essence, whatever is said, the recognition of the relationship itself is what is important. God is our Father. We are his children, and we should act like a child, not in the sense of immaturity, but as family.

I did understand this message, but such a way of praying was rather difficult for me. I thought about how I talked to my father, and quickly found the answer. 

I have lived apart from my father for some years. My parents are happily married, but in order for my brother and I to study abroad, my mother came to live with us, leaving dad behind for some years. During those times, I was going through puberty and a lot of identity construction. 

Though I am back in Korea, I do not see my parents that often. I do have a great relationship with my dad, but I wondered if I talked about anything serious lately. Anything that was remotely serious would be cut short because we would end up arguing. 

I did not feel like my father was listening to what I was really saying. My father must have felt that I was pretty young and immature. Whatever the reasons, I realized that I have not been able to talk to my father in a father-son way, and that was why I had trouble talking to God as my Father. 

I am not sure when I will fully understand or learn how to talk to my parents, but I hope that will come soon as I wish to know more about my parents. Time is passing, and I want to make every moment precious. 

Nothing Else

Everything is passing away,
all the joy and the sorrows
All that will be left,
the greatest of them all.
Love of Christ and nothing else

외로운 가로등

어두운 밤 길을 걷다 만난 하나의 가로등 같이, 길을 잃은 자에게 마음의 안식을 주는 그런. 아무도 없는 그 길에 왜 홀로 서있는지 모르지만 그렇게 누군가의 외로움이 또 다른 사람에게는 위로의 존재가 될 수 있다는 것이 참으로 신비한 일인 것 같다. 

방황하며, 마주하며, 그렇게 영롱하게 빛을 바라며. 

비록 그 찬란함에 경탄은 수도 없이 들어왔지만 정작 그 곁을 지켜주는 사람은 누구일까. 아름답다는 말 한마디에 한 사람의 영혼이 깃들어 전해지길 바라지만 때로는 그 진심이 전달되지 않을 수도 있다는 아쉬움이 남는다. 그렇기에 비록 이야기가 길어졌지만 정말 순수하고 아리따운 마음을 가진 그대에게 식상하지만 또 다른 말로 표현할 수 없을 어여쁘다는 말과 함께 저의 작은 마음 전합니다. 

Forgiveness

They are all treasured in your sight,
and I am heaven bound.
What matter is it to lose here?
For I have won an eternal blessing there.
So spread the love. 

Love Upon that Hill

I prayed for His response. 
I asked for an assurance of God's love for me.
I stood anxious and vulnerable.
I was afraid in my wait.

He gently led me.
He pointed upon a hill.
There he was, nailed to a cross.
Jesus was crucified,
and there I found love yet again. 

Longing for God

I have always sparked a relationship from women within the church. Not until recent years have I met someone without a Christian background. Now they all had their special personalities, backgrounds, and characters, but they all seemed to share one commonality. It was a longing for something spiritual. They all had their share of broken hearts, their shortcomings and failures. They all seemed to long for an eternal love, which to me, was only capable of being found in God. I would let them know that they are precious, the most treasured treasure by God, that they can now rest peacefully within the hands of Jesus. 

Random blurb, I know, but I want to ask a question: How about you?

Verse for 2019

Over the past several years, I was given time to reflect the past year and look forward to the new year with verses. This year, however, I was simply out of it. I did not bother to take time to pray to God on what was to come in the near future. Luckily, the church I had attended over the year gave out Bible verses for the congregation this weekend, after having finished a two week morning prayer session. 

I asked one of the pastors for a verse and the passage read as follows:

"Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.'" Nehemiah 8:10

The exiled Israelites have come back and finish rebuilding the walls, and with the hearing of the Law of the LORD, Nehemiah declares the day holy to God. It is declared to be a day of festival where people will enjoy God. 

With the coming year, the last year of my public health doctor service as for the mandatory military service substitution, I wish to enjoy the days with God, fully embracing the given time and resources. Only for the LORD, only to the LORD. 

Departure

A good friend in faith may soon be leaving. Though only to another country, the distance between each other will have an effect as all are bound by the physical body. I had not thought much of it the first time I heard the news, but as the date for his departure grows near, I started to feel sentimental. Recently, God had been teaching me to acknowledge and learn the importance and the gravity of human interaction, even the smallest relationships that are formed daily. 

Then I thought about how I should not be saddened at all. Instead, I felt that I should pray even more, for I believe that through the Holy Spirit, brothers in faith will be united no matter the circumstances. Even further, I realized that with the Holy Spirit, I will soon be without fear, without anxiety, without worries, and without sorrows. I will be free.

So I leave a little message for my friend. I am especially grateful for the friendship I was allowed by God. You had taught me a lot in how to be humane and loving. Wherever you will be, I will be with you in prayer. Thanks so much.