The Way You Were

The way you smile when you see me
The way you gently lean in for a kiss
The way you pose silly for pictures
The way you laugh before delivering the punchline
The way you tell me about eating avocados
The way you worryingly ask if you can have a glass of wine
The way you pretend to throw a roundhouse kick
The way you pout when a bit disappointed
The way you poured out your heart to be honest
The way you simply asked to stay
The way you turned away in sorrow
The way you slowly forgot
The way you never said goodbye

Pretending to Be

I attended a short summer camp over the weekend for elementary kids of our church. I volunteered as a teacher for them, not really knowing what I would be doing. Thankfully, nothing was too difficult. I guess the most difficult part was trying to pray that I may be in a healthy spiritual state for the kids. 

The evening service consisted of long prayer sessions, and naturally some of the kids got tired. One of the kids came up near me and started sleeping, resting his head on my lap. 

Now, I know that I am not yet considered old, but I do have been wanting to get married. As the child slept so peacefully, I could not help but feel a tender compassion, perhaps even love for the child. He slept so helplessly, completely relying himself on me, to support, to protect, to rest. 

I was then recalled to the countless nights where I pretended to be asleep in the car, so that my father would pick me up and take me to my bed. As I had felt such passion for a child I had not known since hours ago, I wondered how love my father must have felt carrying me back home? How much greater the love God has for us?

Dirtiest Confession

Why did it have to be today? Out of all the thousand days we had been together.
Why not on the first week, the first month, or even the first year? I should have yelled at you. I should have thrown all the curse words I had gathered over the years. I should have thrown you out, rather than throwing myself out. 

It just came too much a surprise to me. You seemed too in love this evening. Both our parents seemed so happy for us. You seemed truly happy. Under all the bright lights of the chandelier, I guess I simply failed to see the tired boy hidden for so long. I never would have guessed. I never would have wanted to know. 

Now that we were back at our apartment, under the hanging light, dimly lit, gently swaying with the wind, I could see clearly. I'm sorry I kept silent for so long the moment after you had told me. I don't even know if I really am sorry. 

I guess I can thank you for the brutal truth. Better now than after three kids. Go run along now. I'm pretty sure I am still in shock. Go live your life, while I'll forever be the woman left alone for another guy. 

Anger, depression, confusion, even a scoff with several deep sighs. Everything shattered. The one thing I cannot forgive is not that you had kept such a thought a secret to me, but that I am still thinking about where all this went downhill. 

Unprocessed Thoughts on Relationships

I have been thinking quite a lot about relationships lately. Mostly in terms of a loving relationship between a man and a woman, but not just limited to it. I guess I am walking into that life phase of marriage. That is why I was surprised the given topic of writing was on relationships.

I only want to talk about people to people relationships. I can see that animals, materials, ideas, and all can surmount to a functional relationship, but it seems out of focus at the moment.

I have seen my share of break-ups, been in several. I can't say that I have had a complete breakdown from a relationship, but I feel like I have experienced enough to say that everyone is constantly moving, to and fro, close and away. 

At times, I see others completely wallowed up in sorrow, and within a couple of months, happily married with a total stranger. Other times, I see the happiest couple, soon to be the worst enemies. All of it comes at me as utter meaninglessness. 

What, then, has meaning? For the continuation of mankind, we must reproduce? Well, the relationship itself can be the meaning. Though ethereal, the moment can be cherished, all the more as it is so fleeting. Learning to give up time and money to get to know more about the other, developing curiosity and joy in getting know any small details, truly loving myself by finding complete satisfaction in that special one. 

After having laid my thoughts to words, it all seemed to point towards God, living a life of dedication, faith, sacrifice and love. 

In the end, relationships are not simply bound by marriage, building a family. All that is indeed a part, definitely, but most importantly, I feel like it is about knowing more of God. 

떠난 뒤

너는 어떻게 살아가지니?
그렇게 많은 순간들을 함께하고
그렇게 깊은 생각들을 나누고도
아무렇지도 않게, 그렇게.
서로 미련이 있는 게 아닌건 알자나.
그래도, 그냥, 그저, 그렇게.
가끔은 내가 어리석은 거라, 내가 잘 모르는 거라,
너의 마음을 헤아릴 수 없어서 그런거길.
아니, 그래야 내가 편할 거 같아서.
오늘도 잘 지내길, 오늘도 잘 지내길.

Fire in the Outskirts

"Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp. When the people cried out to Moses, he prayed to the Lord and the fire died down. So that place was called Taberah, because fire from the Lord had burned among them." Numbers 11:1-3

I tend to find question not in the mainstream of the writing, but in its perimeters. Though the message of the verse seems to be the judgment of the people's complaint, I wondered why God would simply char the outskirts of the camp. Why not the people that actually complained?

I had asked a friend in seminary, and this was an excerpt of the answer that I received. I would love to cite the source, but he had only taken a photo of the writing. I send an apology for the lack of citations to the author. 

"The Lord was merciful in sending his purging fire only to the perimeter of the Israelite camp. Many could have been consumed had the judgment been meted out in the midst of the encampment. The outskirts of the camp were where uncleanness and ceremonial impurity were relegated (Exod 19:16; Lev 14:8; 16:26,28; Num 5:1-4). A judgment of fire from the Lord often comes by means of lightning, though the mode of igniting the fire is not specified. This form of judgment parallels that meted out against Nadab and Abihu (Lev 10:1-3), though that fire came out from the midst of the tabernacle."

Burning Bush Revisited

"Moses said to the Lord, 'Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.'

The Lord said to him, 'Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.'" Exodus 4:10-12

A part of a sermon by John Piper, not my original thoughts. 

Often times, we learn about kindness, the gentleness of heart, being considerate and encouraging. We, however, forget that God does not see us the way we see each other. As Moses counts off the ways he is lacking, we as readers might be thinking that he is probably fully capable. He just needs some encouragement and assurance. We might, in this situation, tell Moses, or any other friend who is in distress, that he is simply being humble, fully capable of achieving greatness. "You are a great speaker!" "You are perfect for the job!" "You need to be more confident in yourself."

God, however, does none of this. He rather portrays himself in a strong light. "Who gave human beings their mouths?" "Who makes them deaf or mute?" "Who gives them sight or makes them blind?" God never tells Moses that he can, rather He can. We were never made to be great. We were made to receive great. We are simply called to depend on God. 

Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley

Ozymandias by Percy Bysshe Shelley

I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”