Smiling Saturday Sentimentality

Two lives twisted together in a road,
waiting to pass to their own roads once more
I hope you find the special abode,
one that you will forever adore.
And with such gentle words, I bid you farewell and good night.
for alas, if a minute more, I shall have you to stay

O My Soul

Soul, O, my soul
Where art thou wandering
Calm and peaceful waters
the gentle breeze on thy lips
What sorrows remain
shall be no more
Soul, O, my soul
find rest in Him
come lay your weary head
The loving arms of Him. 

Straining Toward

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus" Philippians 3:13-14

How is it that God who knows all is pushing us to forget our past? How is He able to see beyond it all? How deep does our preciousness lie that only He can see the true beauty within the crude rock? 

Though I feel too far from You, I shall get up and run once more by Your Grace. 

Basketball Wars

Anxiety struck, motivations sunk;
I simply sat in my room.
All I wanted to do was pray.
One Goliath was enough, but two?
You Words, however, ran across my eyes.
Wisdom poured in my heart.
I was outside before I knew it. 
Your hands delivered me through.
Sounds of victory roared; cheers all around.
The joy was shared by many.
I found great smile on all our faces.
The greatest of all, though, 
was found in the quietness.
God silently waited until I had returned,
to share my happiness and gratitude together. 

열람실 속삭임

이제야 고백하는 것이 하나 있다면 나는 열람실이 좋다.
항상 켜져있는 불과 누군가는 공부를 하고 있다는 사실이
새벽녘에 가끔씩 밀려오는 외로움에 작은 위안이 되서 그런 것 같다.
힘든 공부를 할 때 동기들과 함께한 장소이기도 하며
아무리 사람이 많아도 고요함이 유지되는 것 또한 좋다.
하지만 무엇보다 군중 속에서도 하나님께 은밀히 기도드렸던
기도 드릴 수 있었던 공간이 되어줘서 좋다. 

Psychedelics Deprived

Honestly, it was pretty difficult just being in that room, my best friend and my innocent love talking about their respective perspective on marriage. I know I have no right to say much about the decisions you are making, but even still, I felt so isolated, so distant. The past rushed in too quickly in too short a time. A weight had attached to my heart, but I soon forgot the pain due my busy day. Only a temporary pain relief, I know. It does me good, however, and I really see no alternatives as of now. Adieu, farewell. 

- From Confessions of a Pschyedelics Deprived Student

피곤함

그 때는 그렇게 밝고 영롱한 눈으로
하나님의 그 모든 것을 믿었노라 고백할 수 있었지만
시간에 따라, 변하지 않는 삶의 무게라는 경험 따라
몸은 제멋대로 향하고 눈은 이제 침침해져
땅만 보고 다니게 되어버린 것 같습니다.
주여, 어디 계십니까?

ICU Blues

I started rotations in surgery. It was my first week and it was tough. Call me a wimp, but I needed some time to get adjusted to standing for long hours. Luckily, God gave me enough strength to manage the first week. Apparently, the first week is the upper GI part, which has one of the most surgical cases, the toughest.

As the professor was doing rounds, the group stopped by the Surgical Intensive Care Unit. I was nearly dosing off as the professor was monitoring the patient's hemovac, when suddenly, I heard a quiet hymn. 

I discreetly turned my head to see who was singing. It was a woman, perhaps in her late 20s or early 30s. The bed to which she had stood by seemed empty at first glance. Soon, however, I noticed an infant, trying hard to take breaths. 

After centuries and many years of science accumulation, mankind has made strides to fight disease and illnesses. Yet, even at the pinnacle of such successes, all we can do at times, is to seek God for comfort. 

생각 #643653

마음이 있으면
기회는 온다

Elijah and the Ravines

David and Solomon's glorious reign has ended and God's chosen land has been split into Israel and Jerusalem. Neither nations live according to God's principles. As Israel's sin seems to reach pinnacle, God raises a prophet to bring God's word to life. 

"Now Elijah the Tishbite, of Tishbe in Gilead, said to Ahab, 'As the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, before whom I stand, there shall be neither dew nor rain these years, except by my word.' And the word of the Lord came to him: 'Depart from here and turn eastward and hide yourself by the brook Cherith, which is east of the Jordan. You shall drink from the brook, and I have commanded the ravens to feed you there.' So he went and did according to the word of the Lord. He went and lived by the brook Cherith that is east of the Jordan. And the ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning, and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook. And after a while the brook dried up, because there was no rain in the land." 1 Kings 17:1-7

Here is a couple of explanations to help you understand the depth of this dry spell. The name "Cherith" apparently signifies a "seperation." Elijah is separated from Israel's drought, perhaps separated from God's judgment or all that. 

Ravens are known to not even feed their young. By having ravens feed Elijah, God propels his divine intervention. 

Lastly, one of the gods Ahab and Israel worshiped was Baal, and Baal was supposedly a storm god. This points directly to that of the ten plagues in Egypt, showing God's authority over all the fake gods. 

My interests however, pointed to the verse, "and after a while." How long is this while? The drought is mentioned to have lasted for three years. I tried to find how long it would take for a ravine to dry up, but I wasn't quite successful (Mind you, I am writing this at 4 in the morning). Nonetheless, Elijah spent three years in the wilderness and in the widow's house. I couldn't help but think about what Elijah would have been doing in the wilderness. With all that time by himself alone in the woods, what could he have done to pass time? Spend time with God, listening and worshiping perhaps. 

Maybe I'm wondering about this because I'm just tired.

Bittersweet Forgetfulness

Three twenty four
continuous flows of "luv (sic)" fills my earphones
sentimentality, the emotional outbursts 
I know I shouldn't be up at this hour
too many thoughts fill this small mind
videos of rappers stringing words like pearls
wistful smile follows, maybe and perhaps
regrets lie but feelings don't
the closer the sun comes, 
dreams thin and fantasies break
It's bittersweet knowing 
that you forget who you were in time.
All you can do, as for now
is to find endlessness in a limited world.
and I'm out again by three fifty, calm and nifty

Christmas in Paris

I was not born to a Christian family, though I have been attending church since young. A family friend of my mother took us to church and we have been a part of the Christian community since. That family also had two sons, each the same age as my brother and I. Though they moved to France at a very young age, we managed to keep in touch, even through all the tough times without the internet. 

In my sophomore year of college, my brother and I decided to journey over to Paris to see our friends. They were gracious enough to let us bum around for nearly two weeks in their house. We literally went place to place in Paris for the majority of our trip. France was cold as it was during winter break, but we were young and everything was just joyful.

I was very eager in showing my faith to others then. I still had not figured out the difference between true humble faith versus the passionate rowdy faith. I thought showing what I was "doing" for the Lord was everything. Thus, I was pretty excited to visit the church my friend was serving, especially since it was Christmas time, the perfect chance to show off just how much I "loved" God.

My friend and I had been a little late to the Christmas worship, the one with all the nativity scenes and talent shows. Although we were late, the grade school kids were performing their cute talents, so it was not so obvious that we were late. However, a friend of my friend noticed, and she got close. She introduced herself to me and said these words that I cannot forget still. 

She asked, "Are your here to meet girls as well?"

Mind you, this was all in Korean. She was still standing as she was talking to me, which created a sense of her looking down upon me. The voice was with bitterness in serving God lonesomely and accumulated years disappointment in the lack of seeming companionship. 

Before I could muster up any response, she simply left telling me to enjoy France. I still, to this day, am humbled when reminded of the time, but I do have feelings of false accusation towards the girl. As much as I had not been pure in faith, I had the childish passion. I believe this passion drives us to a more refined faith. Nonetheless, there is no reason to shy away from the fact that I probably was there to meet girls, to meet people to feed my interests, to feed my ego and my own selfishness. 

I am still wondering if sharing these thoughts would make me a better person in the eyes of God. 

What is Just?

"Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, 'I will be king.' So he got chariots and horses ready, with fifty men to run ahead of him. (His father had never rebuked him by asking, 'Why do you behave as you do?' He was also very handsome and was born next after Absalom.)" 1 Kings 1:5-6

I wanted to start this post off with a verse in 1 Kings. The backdrop of the passage is with King David's passing age and the search for the successor to the throne. As with a lot of history, the next in line is usually the older of the sons. In all historical sense, Adonijah's act of kingship is nothing to be troubled about. 

Then, there is this passage in Matthew 18.

"And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.' So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.' He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt." Matthew 18:27-34

What connection do these two passages have in common? It is desire for what is deemed just in our standards. Adonijah found it right that he became the next king. The servant found it right for him to get his money back from his fellow servant. How does the story end though? Solomon becomes king, and the servant is put in jail. 

The message was that as Christians, we shall not demand what is "due" us. We have no rights, no justice, not comfort here in this society, this world. All we have for heritage should be God, and God alone. 

Petitions from

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” 1 Samuel 1:27-28

It has been a while since I prayed sincerely. It has been a while since I felt a strong urge to pray. By God's grace, however, I was led back to the seat of prayer, and the LORD is nodding me to remember the petitions I had made long ago. 

Help me remember all that I had promised to give you, God.