Take a Step

What am I waiting for? What was I praying about? The unwillingness to participate stemming from something. Was it the past? The accumulated experiences? Whatever it was, it was paralyzing. I truly wanted to act upon God's command, or did I? Not just the commands written in the Bible, but the living word. I do not want to be where I should not be. I want to do what is meaningful. I do not want to suffer if I do not have to. And all these words and thoughts spiral out, plunging me into darkness.

Yet, all I had to do was take a step. 

Reflection: Psalm 66:13-14

"I will come into your house with burnt offerings; I will perform my vows to you, that which my lips uttered and my mouth promised when I was in trouble." Psalm 66:13-14

A short reflection. In prayer, the utterance of promises I had made to God are whisked up one by one. Allow me to remember them all, and keep my words. Let me come to You with burnt offerings, of myself as living sacrifice. 

Celebration in Bangkok

"And the brothers there, when they heard about us, came as far as the Forum of Appius and Three Taverns to meet us. On seeing them, Paul thanked God and took courage." Acts 28:15

I will be heading to Bangkok, Thailand for a short mission trip tomorrow. The church invited missionary families near the region as a "healing" convention where we serve them with events, lectures, celebrations and more, as a reminder that they are remembered and loved by God. 

Personally, I was looking for some message from God that I am indeed welcome to be a part of this. In reading the scripture, I came across the passage where Paul finally arrives in Rome. Upon seeing fellow believers, Paul was very much encouraged. 

So, although what little encourage I may be, I like to believe that God is happy to see me be a part of this. Bode me well!

Excerpt from "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Doubt and reflection take the place of spontaneous obedience.

… [The young man] had hoped to avoid committing himself to any definite moral obligations by forcing Jesus to discuss his spiritual problems. He had hoped Jesus would offer him a solution of his moral difficulties. But instead he finds Jesus attacking not his question but himself. The only answer to his difficulties is the very commandment of God, which challenges him to have done with academic discussion and to get on with the task of obedience. Only the devil has an answer for our moral difficulties, and he says: “Keep on posing problems, and you will escape the necessity of obedience.” But Jesus is not interested in the young man’s problems; he is interested in the young man himself. He refuses to take those difficulties as seriously as the young man does. There is one thing only which Jesus takes seriously, and that is, that it is high time the young man began to hear the commandment and obey it. Where moral difficulties are taken so seriously, where they torment and enslave man, because they do not leave him open to the freeing activity of obedience, it is there that his total godlessness is revealed. All his difficulties are shown to be ungodly, frivolous and the proof of sheer disobedience. The one thing that matters is practical obedience. That will solve his difficulties and make him (and all of us) free to become the child of God. Such is God’s diagnosis of man’s moral difficulties.

The young man has now been twice brought face to face with the truth of the Word of God, and there is no further chance of evading his commandment. It is clear there is no alternative but to obey it. But he is still not satisfied. “All these things have I observed from my youth up: what lack I yet?” Doubtless he was just as convinced of his sincerity this time as he was before. But it is just here that his defiance of Jesus reaches its climax. He knows the commandment and has kept it, but now, he thinks, that cannot be all God wants of him, there must be something more, some extraordinary and unique demand, and this is what he wants to do. The revealed commandment of God is incomplete, he says, as he makes the last attempt to preserve his independence and decide for himself what is good and evil. He affirms the commandment with one hand and subjects it to a frontal attack on the other. “All these things have I observed from my youth up.” St Mark adds at this point: “and Jesus looking upon him loved him” (Mark 10:21). Jesus sees how hopelessly the young man has closed his mind to the living Word of God, how serious he is about it, and how heartily he rages against the living commandment and the spontaneous obedience it demands. Jesus wants to help the young man because he loves him.” -  The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Spiritual Paralysis

하나님께서는 그저 순종하라고 하신다. 내 신앙의 그 모든 문제들은 그저 순종하기 싫어하는 마음의 발버둥이라고. 하지만 경험과 오해라는 것이 나를 마비시키고 있음이 느껴진다. 그렇게 묻지 않고 순종을 한 뒤 내게 남겨진 건 공허함과 육체적 피로, 쌓여가는 상처들과 깊은 회의감뿐이었다. 과연 그 시간동안 내가 하나님과 함께하긴 한건지. 이것이 정말 하나님께서 원하셨던 것인지 고민하게 되며, 결국 다음엔 하나님의 확실한 부르심이 아니면 움직이지 않으려는 마음이 굳어진 것 같다. 

사실 피곤한 것도 괜찮고, 고단한 것도 참을 수 있을 것 같다. 다만 그 모든 일이 끝난 뒤에 내가 혼자 덩그러니 남겨지는 그 기분이 너무 괴로울 뿐이다. 하나님을 사랑해서 한 것이 아니기에 그렇다고 누군가 이야기한다. 사랑해서 한다해도 그 끝에 하나님의 잔잔한 음성을 듣고 잠에 들고 싶다. 사실 사랑이 뭔지도 잘 모르겠다.

하지만 결국 이랬으면 저랬으면 하는 그 마음은 나의 욕심이라는 생각이 든다. 마음 내려놓고 순종하는 게 맞는 것 같다. 그렇게 공허해도, 피곤해도, 언젠간 하나님에 대한 오해도 풀리고, 주님 마주할 날이 올 거라 믿기 원한다. 기쁘게 순종할 때도, 울며 순종할 때도 있겠지만 말이다. 멀고 먼 지구 반대편에서 이런 고민에 대한 응답을 누군가를 통해서 주신 것을 생각해보면, 내가 생각하는 것보다 하나님은 많은 것을 듣고 행하시는 게 아닐까 싶다.