Questions to Ask God Later

Why does pain have to be a necessity, even almost a medium for God's plans? 
Why does the road toward God have to be one of spikes and thorns? 
Why does goodness have to come at a cost, a sacrifice? 
Why do I feel so ashamed and depressed before God? 
Why does it all have to be so difficult? Why does it have to be this way?

Isaiah 11:1-9

"There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit.

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.

And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear,

but with righteousness he shall judge the poor, and decide with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall strike the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall kill the wicked.

Righteousness shall be the belt of his waist, and faithfulness the belt of his loins.


The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together; and a little child shall lead them.

The cow and the bear shall graze; their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder's den.

They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain; for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea." Isaiah 11:1-9

To all who are suffering now. There will come a time. 

시간을 함께

현대판 도심 유목민인 마냥 이동하면서 지낸 날들이 생각보다 많았다. 사실 글을 쓰는 이 시점에도 지금의 자리에서 떠날 준비를 하고 있다. 혼자 정처 없이 떠돌아다닌 건 아니지만 여러 나라, 여러 동네에서 많은 사람들의 모습을 보며 자라왔다. 특히나 생각보다 내성적인 성격에 소통보다는 관찰을 먼저 해왔고, 눈치를 보며 그 자리에 잘 스며들도록 노력을 부단히 해왔었다.

갈수록 적응하는 건 자연스러워졌고 오히려 그만큼의 발버둥도 줄어들었다. 여기나 저기나 다 사람 사는 곳이었고, 특히 모두가 달라도 공통되는 한 가지를 발견하게 되었다. 시간이라는 공동 화폐.

많은 사람들이 시간을 생각하면 멈추지 않고 흘러가는 초침을 상상하곤 한다. 아랑곳하지 않고 흘러가기만 하는 매정한 존재. 멈추지 않는 흐름 속에 우리 모두가 함께 가고 있는 듯하다. 하지만 건전지가 닳아 시계가 멈출 때 스치는 생각이 있다면, 나의 시계가 멈춰도 다른 시계들을 흐른다는 것. 결국 우리는 모두 서로 다른 각자의 시간을 살고 있다는 것이다.

나는 100년을, 다른 사람은 10년을 살게 될 수 있고, 결국 제한된 생명 속에 국한되어 있다는 것이다. 얼마가 있는지 모르면서 그냥 살아가고 있는, 아무 생각 없이 사용하고 있는 화폐.

사실 거기에서 사랑을 잠시 이야기할 수 있을 것 같다. 우리는 제한된 존재들이다. 유한함 속에 갇혀 살고 있기에, 지금의 이 시간들이 더 귀하다고 볼 수 있다. 얼마가 있는지 알 수 없지만, 그 귀한 시간을 당신과 함께, 당신을 위해 사용한다면, 결국 그건 자신의 생명을 내어주고 있다고 볼 수 있다.

눈에 보이지도, 손으로 만져지지도 않고, 점수를 매길 수 있거나 맞고 틀림의 문제도 아니겠지만, 결국 하나의 기준, 시간이라는 기준으로 서로 생명을 주고받고 있다는 것이다. 물론 서로의 언어, 표현, 감정의 전달과 생각의 공감은 다를 수 있다. 서로에게 정말 암적인 존재가 되어 해만 끼칠 수도 있다는 두려움이 있지만, 그 모든 것 역시도 결국은 나의 생명을 내어주고 있다는 것이다.

당신을 위해, 나의 것을.

Recent News and Thoughts

My train of thought started from hearing news of the death of a certain celebrity. She was considered a beautiful woman among celebrities. She was young. She was famous, and she committed suicide. It has been said that she had been going through depression. She had been in the spotlight many times, and suffered a lot of criticism beyond normalcy on social media.

I thought about how the church I used to attend started off with a strong vision towards celebrity evangelism. The pastor had such a passion towards celebrities, as he knew just how difficult it was to maintain a health mentality. Although it may seem silly, I really did pray silently for certain celebrities. I especially remember praying for this specific celebrity, but as I was questioning God on the recent turn of events, I felt like I heard an answer saying, "Did you really pray? Do you call that praying?" 

I thought how I prayed. I really had not prayed. It was only just a passing thought that I had lingering for a brief moment. Even if I had, I knew in my mind that it was only for my selfish desires. I thought about how nice and gentle I could be towards such celebrities. I thought about how I could be the one to stay by her side, and see her recover. I thought about how I could have a beautiful girl for myself. I thought about how I could be her salvation and how she could be mine. Love was an idol for me. Love for it had been growing bigger than for God. 

I remembered then how I was never promised such luxury. I had sought happiness in finding love. I wanted a lover, not just any other, but a beautiful one. I was never promised that. I wanted to find happiness through her, but I was never promised happiness either, at least in this life. Yes, I do recognize the glory and joy of being with God here and through heaven eternal was promised, but I was thinking more about finding satisfaction in the world. I was promised Jesus, nothing more. Nothing more needed. 

I then thought about how there would be countless others who were going through depression, having thoughts of suicide themselves, but were not popular enough to be named on media. They truly would be ones that simply disappeared in history. I thought about what I could do for them. I could not think about anything else than praying at the moment, not just to praying in passing, but to really ask for the intervention of God. Perhaps through miraculous ways, or through the hands of his men, may He reach them. Perhaps through me, in grace. 

Curiously

and there she stood, glowing in allure
girl with a mysterious charm, life fully apart
yet a moment crossing was enough
to weave again the threads of fate

and there he stood, gently smiling
boy waiting for a reaching hand, life on hold
yet a moment crossing was enough
to break the spell of wintry wandering

and there they stood, together in hand
both nervous and anxious, life crashing in
yet eternity awaits, heaven abounds
to know one another, to love

첫 한마디

날은 밤으로, 시간은 의미없는 숫자들로
마음이 생각으로, 부족한 모습들로
수많은 이야기들 가운에 함께 거하고 싶지만
"안녕"이라는 단어 하나에 그 모든 것을 담아
그대에게 전해지기를, 그 손을 뻗어주기를

1000 Posts!

A thousand posts!
A thousand days of saying,
thank you Lord.
Teach me how 
to love you more.