Quote from "Death at a Funeral"

"He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he loved us. All I wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off. Is that really so much to ask? So, maybe, maybe he had some things he liked to do. Life isn't simple, it's complicated. We're all just thrown in here together, in a world full of chaos and confusion, a world full of questions and no answers, death always lingering around the corner, and we do our best. We can only do our best, and my dad did his best. He always tried to tell me that you have to go for what you want in life because you never know how long you're going to be here. And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have tried. And apparently no one will guide you in the right direction, in the end you have to learn for yourself. You have to grow up yourself. So when you all leave here today, I would like you to remember my father for who he really was: a decent, loving man. If only we could be as giving and generous and as understanding as my father was. Then the world would be a far better place."

Death at at Funeral (2007)

Looking Back, Looking Forward

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” ‭ Ezekiel‬ 36:26‬

Something miraculous. Something beyond me. Something that cannot be explained. 

I do not remember what I had been searching for so desperately. The burning passion of younger days definitely seem to have passed. I keep wondering what had me so yearning for God. 

Now, I take a look at myself and see an angry, frustrated, disappointed little boy, completely lost in this confusing world, unwilling to move an inch. 

Yet, I remain hopeful, Perhaps this will all change. Perhaps I will find what I was looking for. Perhaps I will be found yet again. Perhaps this beaten heart, now so quick to be in arms, will be tenderly comforted. Perhaps I will yet again take up his calling. 

"He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.'" Mark 16:15-18

Treadmill Thoughts

Every morning, I head downstairs to get some exercise in before work starts. In front of the running machine, an old electronic clock ticks away. It is one of those unnecessarily fancy kind where it shows the date as well as the lunar date. 

Running on the treadmill, I blankly stared at the clock, which lit up four numbers, 2-0-1-7. It has been 17 years more than a two thousand. Two thousand years. Human history actually has been more than that. The year 2017 is 2017 A.D. which states Anno Domini, not "After Death," unlike popular belief. It is still the turning point from B.C., which is "Before Christ." 

It was fascinating to dwell on that point, especially because I was indoors with the heat on from the air conditioner installed on the ceiling while running on a treadmill, listening to a sermon on my cellphone which I held, wearing fancy sportswear. Humanity has come a long way. Here I was barely 30 years old, thinking about life and regrets while human history extended well beyond, while God existed throughout time. 

I felt a lot smaller, yet more comfortable knowing that a lot has been and a lot will be. 

It is also interesting how there are many people who do not believe in Jesus Christ, yet follow some cultural aspects stemmed from it.

Lockdown Protocol

Lockdown protocol, haul the iron heart

Keys nowhere found, no one searching

Warmed at times, cold another

Patches of flesh are no longer

This nimble heart, this weakened mind

Emotionless, ready for war, though always motionless

And the random song lets out a verse

"I don't love you, good bye."

Never to be found, ever to be missed

Alone again, regrets remain

Nothing's changed, yet I still stand

Perhaps a day I will say, "I missed you, hello"

말꼬리 (Feat. 정준일 Of Mate) - 윤종신

비는 오고 너는 가려 하고 내 마음 눅눅하게 잠기고

낡은 흑백영화 한 장면처럼 내 말은 자꾸 끊기고

사랑한 만큼 힘들었다고 사랑하기에 날 보낸다고

말도 안 되는 그 이별 핑계에 나의 대답을 원하니

너만큼 사랑하지 않았었나봐 

나는 좀 덜 사랑해서 널 못 보내 

가슴이 너무 좁아 떠나간 너의 행복 빌어줄

그런 드라마 같은 그런 속 깊은 사랑 내겐 없으니

사랑하면 내게 머물러줘 사랑하면 이별은 없는거야

말꼬리 (Feat. 정준일 Of Mate) - 윤종신

Friendships and Relationships

"So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, 'May the Lord call David’s enemies to account.' And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself." 1 Samuel 20:16-17

"Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell dead on Mount Gilboa. The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua." 1 Samuel 31:1-2

The love between David and Jonathan is a famous one. It is one of the classic examples of friendship mentioned in the Bible. David would take a sword for Jonathan, Jonathan, the same. Even after Jonathan's death, David searches out Mephibosheth, Jonathan's son, to take care of him out of love. Their friendship seems to last even past death.

My question lies, however, in the relationships that do not end in a death. What happens when a friendship is suddenly called to an end? An anonymous saying online says, "The hardest decision in life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder." All relationship seems to be on similar paths. 

"Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, 'Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.' Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches." Acts 15:36-41

Even in the case of Paul and Barnabas, they end up parting ways. I am not sure how much interaction they must have had after they went separate ways, but perhaps they always had each other in prayer. 

I guess this question is on my mind because for the last couple of years, I have had many of my friendships and relationships completely ruined. I find it difficult to find the heart to talk to them, let alone pray for them. I have no idea what the others are thinking, but guessing from their lack of conversation, I assume I am nowhere in their minds. 

Should I desperately cling on and engage in constant conversation to salvage the friendships? Or should I simply let go and pray for God to lead each other in peace? 

Everyone seems to get along so easily, start dating and get married. Am I the sensitive one? Or are my friends the ignorant ones? Am I picky in finding relationships? Or is love still far away from me? 

Birthday Wishes for my Dad

I don't think I ever say enough of it, but Dad, I love you. It's hard to see how you are already growing old, while I still haven't yet so. I can tell the fierceness dying down while you grow sensitive by the minute. 

I was never so good at being nice, I doubt I ever will, but perhaps before it's too late, I'll get to hold you in my arms, hold me in your arms. 

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you. 

Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

대비 애커먼의 [가장 힘든 일 기다림] 에서

"당신이 하나님에게 받은 약속과 관련해 기다림의 시간표를 생각하고 있다면 당신이 혼자 기다리지 않도록 하나님께서 당신을 위해 보내신 친구의 얼굴이 떠오를지도 모른다. 다윗에게도 그런 친구가 있었다. 한때 그가 수금을 타며 사울 왕의 마음을 위로하고 있을 때 왕은 그를 사랑했다. 그러다가 사울에게 다윗은 질투와 증오의 대상으로 바뀌었다.

이 시간표에 따라 사울이 다윗을 죽이려 할 때 하나님께서는 그의 고통스런 마음을 함께 나눌 친구를 주셨다. 다윗에게 사울의 아들인 요나단은 형제보다도 더 가까운, 마음을 주고 받는 친구였다. 이 우정은 다윗가 하나님의 관계에도 힘을 더했다."

[가장 힘든 일 기다림] - 데비 애커먼

Some Words

Kiss the king
A joyful smile
Holy in everything
The accepting grace
Your loving embrace
Silent spiritual revolution

Public Confrontation

Here is my public announcement to you, an insult to all that you are.
You said I was always PMSing, like a little girl.
Well, in this day and age, that is a ridiculously sexist comment,
not to mention plain outright rude.
How about you try to understand others? Not everyone is the same as you.
Maturity is what allows people to accept each other through the differences.
You said stop being so sensitive.
Well, I'm sorry I wasn't constantly showered with love to have a great personality.
If you were such a good fellow, I wonder why you weren't so nice.
You said stop acting like a girlfriend.
Well, I believe brotherhood is another form of love.
If you weren't so homophobic, maybe you would know how to hug a brother.
I never asked for all the small details of your life anyways.
All I asked for was an occasional hello. 
You said you were busy from having gotten married.
I have plenty of friends who are married, but still manage to keep in touch very well.
You said it was mighty hard to raise a child.
Still to this day, you get money from your parents, so don't talk about hardship.
You lived one of the easiest lives, so don't judge people from your pedestal.
Hey, listen, though, I don't hate you anymore.
It was just sad to realize that I held you to a greater degree in my life,
while you simply labeled me a friend but considered me just a little greater than trash.
At this point, all I wanted was a small apology, even via text,
but you were too much of a prick to admit you were in the wrong. 
In conclusion, I hope I don't ever have to see you,
but I'll be the bigger man and pray for you.
Fuck you and have a nice day. 

Short Stop Before Eternity

Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay
To mould me Man, did I solicit thee
From darkness to promote me?
Paradise Lost - John Milton

It is said trauma can be repressed, but it cannot be erased. You can very well take out a nail, but the hole still remains. As mistakes accumulate the heart becomes heavy, paralyzing any thoughts of activeness. It is these precise moments that humbles me, and pulls me closer towards God. You would think repetitive wrongdoings can ultimately be fixed. Perhaps my frame of time is too short. Maybe that is why God takes us through eternity to be with Him. Even still, it would be great to see change happen within this short stop before eternity. 

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." A Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemingway

축하합니다 - 정호승

축하합니다 - 정호승

이 봄날에 꽃으로 피지 않아
실패하신 분 손들어보세요
이 겨울날에 눈으로 내리지 않아
실패하신 분 손 들어보세요
괜찮아요, 손 드세요, 손들어보세요
아, 네, 꽃으로 피어나지 못하신 분 손 드셨군요
바위에 씨 뿌리다가 지치신 분도 손 드셨군요
첫눈을 기다리다가 서서 죽으신 분도 손 드셨군요
네, 네, 손 들어주셔서 감사합니다
여러분들의 모든 실패를 축하합니다
천국이 없어 예수가 울고 있는 오늘밤에는
낙타가 바늘구멍으로 들어갔습니다
드디어 희망 없이 열심히 살아갈 희망이 생겼습니다
축하합니다

Another Happy Birthday Mom

Happy birthday Mom!
Every year I wish I was nicer to you.
Every year, I seem to fail at that,
so here's is my attempt at doing something about it.
I love you a lot. Thanks a bunch.

Catastrophic Breakdown

I am hoping I am not alone on this, but don't you have those moments where you suddenly realize how much of a prick you had been? I wish I could turn back time, or even apologize to those who were caught up in my catastrophic breakdown. I'm simply hoping I will get to see a better me each day. 

Sparing Life

"And the Lord said to Satan, 'Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.'" Job 2:6

Upon listening to various sermons, I came across one on the book of Job. The pastor was old, seemingly wise through age. The best part of the sermons was that the pastor unfolded the mysteries of life through Job.

As harsh as it may sound, the pastor explained that God had put limits to Satan's work on Job precisely to make Job suffer more. Now, the word suffer may seem cruel, but to God, it was necessary. Throughout the book of Job, he constantly cries out to God saying it would have been better if he had not been born, that it would have been better for him to die immediately.

For us, life seems like the most important aspect to our existence. Even simply writing that previous sentence seemed stupid because life is everything in our flesh. Naturally, God commanding Satan to spare Job's life seemed like the last line, the last act of mercy. The pastor, however, explained that to God, life in the flesh is not the most precious prize. The reason God had spared Job's life was so that Job would struggle more to find God, to not only hear about God but to see Him. 

As Jesus had endured the cross, some things simply need suffering. For Job, his struggles had allowed him to come before God and experience his grace in person. 

From time to time, I find myself praying for good health and overflowing wealth. What for? The best explanation the pastor gave was that through all that, I may find myself independent from God. The prayers that we pray without much thought are exactly what God wishes not for us. Everlasting companionship is His goal, and we ask for none of it.

So, where do you stand?

Beautiful Struggle - Talib Kweli

The laughter's the best medicine

But the troubles you have today you just can't laugh away

Stay optimistic, thinking change is gonna come like Donny Hathaway

You have to pray, on top of that, act today

Cause opportunity shrivel away like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away"

Everybody pass away, the pastor prays, the family mournin'

Everybody act accordin' to the season that they born in (You'll try to change the world)

You fight in the streets, start bleedin' 'til the blood is pourin'

In the gutter, mothers cry 'til the Lord be livin' by the sword and

All that folks want is safety, they goin' gun crazy

The same reason Reagan was playin' war games in the '80s

The same reason I always rock dog chains on my babies

The struggle is beautiful, I'm too strong for your slavery

Beautiful Struggle - Talib Kweli

More than Half the Kingdom

"And he vowed to her, 'Whatever you ask me, I will give you, up to half of my kingdom.' And she went out and said to her mother, 'For what should I ask?' And she said, 'The head of John the Baptist.' And she came in immediately with haste to the king and asked, saying, 'I want you to give me at once the head of John the Baptist on a platter.' And the king was exceedingly sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he did not want to break his word to her. And immediately the king sent an executioner with orders to bring John's head. He went and beheaded him in the prison and brought his head on a platter and gave it to the girl, and the girl gave it to her mother. When his disciples heard of it, they came and took his body and laid it in a tomb." Mark 6:23-29

A lot could be said about the king, but I only wanted to touch on two points. 

The first is that the king was focused more on saving face. He needed to maintain his reputation as one in charge, but by doing so, he had ultimately lost authority and played for a fool to the girl and her mother. 

The second is that the king had not held God greater than all. Had he known who God was and what it meant to be a man of God such as John the Baptist, he would not have ordered the death of John. Had the king held the man of God greater than half his kingdom, John the Baptist could have lived longer years. 

Hold On

Let them know we still here,
still fighting, still brewing, still standing
holding onto the treasures, the beliefs, the love

그녀의 한 마디

"안 좋아할 수 있으면 안 좋아해봐."

무뎌있던 그의 가슴은 이른 가을바람을 타고 다가온 그녀의 한 마디에 설레이기 시작했다.

쉬는 날이면 집에만 있는 것에 익숙한 그는 왠일인지 그녀의 초청에 쉽게 응했다. 긴 연휴기간 동안 혼자 남게 되어 그랬는지, 혹은 그저 그가 좋아하는 음식을 먹을 수 있어서 그런건지 그도 잘 몰랐던 것 같다.

식사 후에 찾아간 덕수궁은 참으로 평안했다. 오랜 역사의 흔적 속에 지금까지 이어져 온 그 특유의 분위기는 걷고 있는 사람들마다 주인공으로 만들어 주는 듯한 풍경이었고, 사이사이에 밝은 빛을 발하던 전시물들은 강렬한 인상을 남겨 오늘이 마치 특별한 날이라도 된 것처럼 기억에 뿌리를 내리게 하였다. 

덕수궁을 나왔어도 그 돌담길을 거닐다 보니 둘은 그 아름다움에 취해 아무 생각 없이 계속 걸었다. 도로와 도로를 지나 이화고등학교가 보일 무렵 공원들을 걷다보니 도심 속의 발코니를 만나서 잠시 쉬었다 가기로 하였다. 어린이공원이라는 이름이 있었지만 너무 늦은 시간이었는지 어린이들은 하나도 보이지 않았다. 사실 인기척이라고는 전혀 없는 그런 조용한 공원이었다. 

그렇게 둘은 계단에 함께 앉아 그 넓은 공간 속에 작은 안식처를 만들었고, 가끔 조용히 계단 옆쪽으로 지나가는 행인들을 향한 미안한 마음은 둘만의 시간을 방해하는 사람들이 되어갔다. 

서로의 이야기 가운데 그녀는 소소한 이야기들로 자신의 모습을 그에게 전하고 있었다. 애정하는 곳, 애정하는 음악, 애정하는 그녀의 삶이라는 시간을 나눠주었다는 생각에 그는 점차 마음이 열리기 시작한 것 같다.

그렇게 낯선듯 익숙한 풍경 속에 두 사람은 가까워지고 있었다. 

True Treasures

"He will be the sure foundation for your times, 
a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure." Isaiah 33:6

Let God be the greatest treasure to you.
Let the adoration of, 
the love of, 
the reverence of, 
the sacrifice of 
the Lord be everything to you. 

She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron

She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron

She walks in beauty, like the night 

Of cloudless climes and starry skies; 

And all that’s best of dark and bright 

Meet in her aspect and her eyes; 

Thus mellowed to that tender light 

Which heaven to gaudy day denies. 

One shade the more, one ray the less, 

Had half impaired the nameless grace 

Which waves in every raven tress, 

Or softly lightens o’er her face; 

Where thoughts serenely sweet express, 

How pure, how dear their dwelling-place. 

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow, 

So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, 

The smiles that win, the tints that glow, 

But tell of days in goodness spent, 

A mind at peace with all below, 

A heart whose love is innocent!

Lessons of Relationships in the Book Jonah

"Jonah went out of the city and sat to the east of the city and made a booth for himself there. He sat under it in the shade, till he should see what would become of the city. Now the Lord God appointed a plant and made it come up over Jonah, that it might be a shade over his head, to save him from his discomfort. So Jonah was exceedingly glad because of the plant. But when dawn came up the next day, God appointed a worm that attacked the plant, so that it withered. When the sun rose, God appointed a scorching east wind, and the sun beat down on the head of Jonah so that he was faint. And he asked that he might die and said, 'It is better for me to die than to live.'" Jonah 4:5-8

Back in grade school, going up through middle and high school, there were only a handful of students I got to know. Getting along with friends, thus, was much easier, especially since I did not yet have a strong identity color. 

With time, my self-conscious grew. I grew to have my own likes and dislikes, just like everyone else. As the range of people interaction grew, I learned to get away from others. I learned to let go, ignore, or walk away. I learned it the hard way that it was much easier to let relationships simply be. 

After so many friendships and intimate relationships ruined, the relationship between God and us was seen with a different light. I realized just how much trouble God had been going through simply trying to be with us. All across the Bible, it is God making the relationship work for us. 

In the case for Jonah, God grows a plant to shade over Jonah. He then appointed a worm to destroy the plant. Then brings scorching wind and strong sun to beat down on Jonah. 

I have trouble simply dialing the phone. I have trouble saying sorry. I have trouble saying hello. 

At times I wonder if it is worth battling to keep a relationship going. Sometimes I feel like God leads people away from each other. Then again, I feel like God sometimes does want to see a struggle to hold precious the bonds God had made between people. 

RISE

"Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me.

I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause and executes judgment for me.
He will bring me out to the light; I shall look upon his vindication.

Then my enemy will see, and shame will cover her who said to me,
“Where is the Lord your God?”
My eyes will look upon her; 

now she will be trampled down like the mire of the streets." 

Micah 7:8-10

How Great - Chance the Rapper Ft. Jay Electronica & The Lights

I was lost in the jungle like Simba after the death of Mufasa

No hog, no meerkat, hakuna matata by day

But I spent my night time fighting tears back

I prayed and prayed and left messages but never got no hear back

Or so it seemed

A mustard seed was all I needed to sow a dream

How Great - Chance the Rapper Ft. Jay Electronica & The Lights

Coming Back

Last weekend, public doctors in Korea got together for two days in Muju for an annual sports competition. The events consisted of basketball, soccer, swimming, screen golf, ping pong and even Starcraft. There were more, but I was part of the basketball team.

As preparation, doctors in Chuncheon teamed up with those in Chulwon to make a team of 10 players. The first goal was to win the qualifications within Gangwondo, one of the nine provinces in Korea. The qualifications were set to be in July, so the team got together at least once a week to practice, starting early May. 

Although I mostly played the shooting guard position, one player from Chulwon was simply amazing to play any other position. Luckily, I was one of the better ball handlers for the team, so I filled in for the point guard position. 

We had our difficulties, but we managed to pull through in both the qualifications and the nationwide tournament. To explain a little bit of the game, the opposing team played rough. They fouled constantly, but received half the calls. Yet, we broke their zone defense with quick jumpers and fast-breaks. As the last second on the timeclock ticked, the entire team was overjoyed. 

Everyone was frantic in taking photographs. It was wise to hurry to process as most of the players had plans back in Seoul, and with each minute past meant more traffic. 

As I was watching the team run around with big smiles, I remembered the last time I had participated in team basketball. It was during my sophomore year in high school. I had barely made the junior varsity team. It was also the year I had started staying at a friend's house as a year-long homestay by myself. 

The practices were tough. I started getting symptoms of meralgia paresthetica. I had not gotten a single play time and it was already the last game of the season. I still vividly remember kneeling down in the locker room together as a team, reciting the Hail Mary prayer as it was a Catholic high school. It was a cold night, but I was used to warming up the bench.

Then, suddenly, with barely a minute left in the game, the coach actually called me up for substitution. I was in for two whole possessions. With 3 seconds left in the game, I had gotten the offensive rebound, so I threw it back up 5 feet from the basket. The ball bounced around the rim, but never made it through.

Of course, the entire team was cheering on, but something broke inside me then. As we were watching the varsity game, tears filled up and I quickly ran into the locker room. All the hard work, the difficulties in practice, troubles at home, the entire year worth of hardship was thrown along with that last shot of mine. A deep sense of emptiness surrounded me, and emotions simply burst out. I could not hold it down. 

The captain must have seen me crying, for he followed me quickly into the lockers. He did his best to cheer me up, but a sense of defeat lingered within me. 

Flashing back to present day, I had a sense that God had allowed me victory this time around. It really does seem that God waits for us at the place of our defeat, only to have us brought back up victorious. 

Honestly, it was difficult simply driving to basketball courts from where I was. I thought I would be glad everything was over, but I knew I was going to miss it all. 

Basketball, such a love-hate relationship. 

God's Loving Embrace

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” And Jesus answering said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.”

“A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to kiss my feet. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” Then those who were at table with him began to say among themselves, “Who is this, who even forgives sins?” And he said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” 

Luke 7:38-50

There is this vice within me. It has been with me for a long time. I have had my times of fight. I have had my times of defeat. I have had my times of ignorance and my times of chaos.

I had thought I was over it now, but it came crawling back, hurting deep. It was not so much that I had disappointed the ones around me, but more so that I disappointed myself. Honestly, it was embarrassing simply sitting in church. I couldn't look up, let alone sing a single line to a praise song.

Yet, God came gently, consoling my soul with his loving words, telling me that my sins are forgiven. I dear hope that I never fall yet again to sin's depths. I more so hope that I not abuse God's grace.

Some Words of Jesus

"Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven." Matthew 9:2b
"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34b
"Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you; go in peace." Luke 7:48,50
"Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." John 8:11b

Digging by Seamus Heaney

Digging by Seamus Heaney

Between my finger and my thumb   

The squat pen rests; snug as a gun. 

Under my window, a clean rasping sound   

When the spade sinks into gravelly ground:   

My father, digging. I look down 

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds   

Bends low, comes up twenty years away   

Stooping in rhythm through potato drills   

Where he was digging. 

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft   

Against the inside knee was levered firmly. 

He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep 

To scatter new potatoes that we picked, 

Loving their cool hardness in our hands. 

By God, the old man could handle a spade.   

Just like his old man. 

My grandfather cut more turf in a day 

Than any other man on Toner’s bog. 

Once I carried him milk in a bottle 

Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up 

To drink it, then fell to right away 

Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods 

Over his shoulder, going down and down 

For the good turf. Digging. 

The cold smell of potato mould, the squelch and slap 

Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge 

Through living roots awaken in my head. 

But I’ve no spade to follow men like them. 

Between my finger and my thumb 

The squat pen rests. 

I’ll dig with it.

Motto for Tomorrow

Everyone precious
Everything important
Everyway possible
Everywhere heavenly
Everyday a new day

Ezekiel Times

Then he cried in my ears with a loud voice, saying, “Bring near the executioners of the city, each with his destroying weapon in his hand.” And behold, six men came from the direction of the upper gate, which faces north, each with his weapon for slaughter in his hand, and with them was a man clothed in linen, with a writing case at his waist. And they went in and stood beside the bronze altar.

Now the glory of the God of Israel had gone up from the cherub on which it rested to the threshold of the house. And he called to the man clothed in linen, who had the writing case at his waist. And the Lordsaid to him, “Pass through the city, through Jerusalem, and put a mark on the foreheads of the men who sigh and groan over all the abominations that are committed in it.” And to the others he said in my hearing, “Pass through the city after him, and strike. Your eye shall not spare, and you shall show no pity. Kill old men outright, young men and maidens, little children and women, but touch no one on whom is the mark. And begin at my sanctuary.” So they began with the elders who were before the house. Then he said to them, “Defile the house, and fill the courts with the slain. Go out.” So they went out and struck in the city. And while they were striking, and I was left alone, I fell upon my face, and cried, “Ah, Lord God! Will you destroy all the remnant of Israel in the outpouring of your wrath on Jerusalem?”

Then he said to me, “The guilt of the house of Israel and Judah is exceedingly great. The land is full of blood, and the city full of injustice. For they say, ‘The Lord has forsaken the land, and the Lord does not see.’ As for me, my eye will not spare, nor will I have pity; I will bring their deeds upon their heads.”

And behold, the man clothed in linen, with the writing case at his waist, brought back word, saying, “I have done as you commanded me.” Ezekiel 9:1-11

There was so much here in Ezekiel 9 that I decided to post the entire chapter here. 

Ezekiel is presented visions, and the visions are not friendly. God essentially places judgment upon men of Israel. The mark that is to be the identifying factor for those who live is given to "the men who sigh and groan over all the abominations that are committed." 

Despite the common societal notions of the elderly, the women and children needing special care, God commands the death of everyone. The mark is the only ticket to being saved. 

I have met quite a few non-Christians who point exactly to passages such as these. God is portrayed as violent and destructive. They challenge that God is all loving and kind. I guess I could start arguing on points of theology, but I am no expert. I did want to mention a short clip from the movie Dark Knight.

There is a scene when an employee for Wayne Enterprises catches on who Batman really is. He then begins to blackmail an associate to Bruce Wayne, Mr. Fox. The reaction is priceless, as Mr. Fox says, "Let me get this straight. You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands; and your plan, is to blackmail this person?"

Though this may be a stretch, I wanted to ask those who questioned passages such as these. If God truly is violent and destructive, would you not want to know how to get on his good side?

On a different note, this passage shows that God wants his children to mourn for the sins of the world. I questioned myself, "Would I be able to get that mark on my forehead?" The question carried on: "Would I be able to mourn for those damned to destruction just like Ezekiel did?" 

It is natural for me to starting looking to myself only. It is easy for me to swing around the Word of God as judgment towards others, as if it were my authority, but honestly, all I should be doing is to kneel before God and pray, beg, yearn for his grace continually. 

I keep forgetting that the breath I just took was another gift from God. 

Hardened as Stone

"But I will make you as unyielding and hardened as they are. I will make your forehead like the hardest stone, harder than flint. Do not be afraid of them or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house." Ezekiel 3:8-9

For too long have I felt powerless and weak. Let me remember that I may be decrepit, but with you I am strong. Make me bold and fierce. Let me be hardened by you only. Let me never be terrified by anything else than you. Let me be obedient, willing to accept love and give love. 

Random Thoughts on Mayweather v McGregor

I am not a hardcore fan of martial arts. I have dabbled here and there for several weeks, but nothing to boast about. I do know, however, that UFC fighters are probably tougher people when matched against boxers in street fighting.

I saw a clip of Mayweather with Malignaggi talking trash about McGregor. Mayweather is acting as if he is simply the king of the world. Yes, he is one of the undisputed fantastic boxers in history, but that is all within the protection of rules and regulations of a boxing match. If you throw away the ring, the gloves, and the clocks ticking, everyone is vulnerable to anything.

I thought about all the little ways that I was competitive, all the times that I tried desperately to stay ahead of someone, to beat them down and show dominance. Then I thought about the limitations. I thought about God's greatness.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28

Upon the sight of the Lord, we are all specks of dust blowing away in the wind. Yet, I was trying to look better than the man next to me, trying to stay popular, trying to make more money for comforts and authority. 

This game everyone is playing, it isn't mine. This is not my game. My game is with God. My goals are not to live a life of comfort. It is not about fame and power. It is about following the footsteps of Jesus. It is about obedience to His words. It is about life everlasting. It is about heaven and hell. 

You are not my game, devil. I am playing on a different level. Don't bother me anymore. 

Apollo Testing

Ever since the day of my accident, where the pick-up truck turned over as I was sitting in the back seat, I have grown slightly afraid of vehicles in general. Whenever I dose off in a car, even a little jerk would wake me up immediately. The take off and landings of airplanes now gets me a bit nervous as well. 

The bright side of such trepidation is that as long as I get to the destination safely, the fear ends instantly. 

As I was watching Apollo 13, I tried imagining how the astronauts must have felt sitting in that rocketship. With the entirety shaking violently, three men sitting close together tightly. As each second counted off, millions of ways the mission could go wrong definitely must have crossed their minds. The greatest fear of it all, however, to me at least, must have been that they were venturing off into the unknown, a hostile environment where human life could not be sustained. I guess this fear must have been greater for the men of Apollo 11. 

I thought about what it must have been like for the many characters in the Bible. Kings to shepherd boys, they all had their share of making that leap towards the unknown. I thought about what got me grounded here nowadays. Am I making more courageous leaps than before? 

Alphabet Aerobics - Blackalicious

Artificial amateurs aren't at all amazing

Analytically, I assault, animate things

Broken barriers bounded by the bomb beat

Buildings are broken, basically I'm bombarding

Casually create catastrophes, casualties

Canceling cats got their canopies collapsing

Detonate a dime of dank daily doing dough

Demonstrations, Don Dada on the down low

Eating other editors with each and every energetic

Epileptic episode, elevated etiquette

Furious fat fabulous fantastic

Flurries of funk felt feeding the fanatics

Gift got great global goods gone glorious

Getting godly in his game with the goriest

Hit 'em high, hella height, historical

Hey holocaust hints hear 'em holler at your homeboy

Imitators idolize, I intimidate

In an instant, I'll rise in an irate state

Juiced on my jams like jheri curls jocking joints

Justly, it's just me, writing my journals

Kindly I'm kindling all kinds of ink on

Karate kick type brits in my kingdom

Let me live a long life, lyrically lessons is

Learned lame louses just lose to my livery

My mind makes marvelous moves, masses

Marvel and move, many mock what I've mastered

Niggas nap knowing I'm nice naturally

Knack, never lack, make noise nationally

Operation, opposition, off not optional

Out of sight, out of mind, wide beaming opticals

Perfected poem, powerful punch lines

Pummeling petty powder puffs in my prime

Quite quaint quotes keep quiet it's Quantum

Quarrelers ain't got a quarter of what we got uh

Really raw raps, rising up rapidly

Riding the rushing radioactivity

Super scientifical sound search sought

Silencing super fire saps that are soft

Tales ten times talented, too tough

Take that, challengers, get a tune up

Universal, unique untouched

Unadulterated, the raw uncut

Verb vice lord victorious valid

Violate vibes that are vain make em vanished

While I'm all well what a wise wordsmith just

Weaving up words, weeded up on my work shift

Xerox, my X-radiation holes extra large

X-height letters, and xylophone tones

Yellow back, yak mouth, young ones yaws

Yesterday's lawn yard sell our yawn

Zig-zag zombies, zoom in to the zenith

Zero in zen thoughts, overzealous rhyme zealots

Alphabet Aerobics - Blackalicious

Teachers Beware

"Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." James 3:1

I can barely recall what it was like sitting at church in grade school. All I can remember is goofing off after service. I have more recollection of sermons as a middle school student, but that consisted mostly of reading comic books at a corner. 

Here I am now, a teacher for Sunday school, sitting among students much younger than I, trying to remember what exactly went through my mind every week listening to the pastor. 

Now there are a handful of other teachers as well. As much as the teachers sit alongside the students, it is really difficult to have the kids pay attention to what the pastor is saying. The senior teachers would tell me to hush the kids and I do try, but in the back of my mind, I often find it pretty ridiculous to even try to keep the students in control. It is what children do! They doze off, find dust balls to play with, talk among friends or even read whatever is in front of them. I sometimes think we as teachers need to thank them for even having tried to keep quiet and pay attention. 

I do remember some of the Sunday school teachings, but I feel like the most influence it had on my spirituality was that I remember church fondly because the teachers would play with us afterwards. Then again, I get this notion that everything is indeed grace of God, grace to have stuck with church and have experienced his love. 

With that in mind, I felt the need to really pray for these students. Perhaps it was my inattentiveness towards the Bible that the children would dismiss reading the sermon messages. Perhaps it was my carelessness in prayer that the children would talk among friends during prayer time. Perhaps it was my greed to time that the children would be half asleep having spent the night before playing until late. Perhaps it was my failure to truly enjoy God's presence that the children do not find joy in worship. 

Grace of God, yes, but could it have been the collection of prayers all the teachers in church offered that I stand now under the wings of His Glory? Strict judgment, more responsibility, greater delight. 

My Ishmael

"Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she said to Abram, 'The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.'” Genesis 16:1-2

"So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne." Genesis 16:15

"Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him." Genesis 21:1-3

"But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, and she said to Abraham, 'Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.'” Genesis 21:9-10

Though the passage is longer than usual, I felt a need to share a good block of the backstory. God had promised Abram, now Abraham, a multitude of descendants who will flourish. This was to be done by his wife Sarai, now Sarah. However, Sarah becomes anxious and takes matters into her own hands. She decides to give Hagar, her slave, to bear a child for Abraham. 

Hagar bears Abraham a son, calling him Ishmael. During this period of pregnancy for Hagar, she imposes her begotten authority upon Sarah, as Hagar is the child bearer to the master of the house. Because of this Sarah becomes distressed and forces Hagar out of the house. 

God brings Hagar back, and she does give birth to Ishmael. Later, Sarah becomes pregnant as God had promised. Upon naming the son Isaac, Ishmael is said to have mocked Isaac. Through this, Hagar and Ishmael is finally cast out of the house. 

Five people mixed with heartbreaks and frustrations: Abraham for his mistrust in God's promise. Sarah for her impatience. Hagar for her arrogance. Ishmael for his envy. Isaac for his weakness. Whatever it was, their individual iniquities ended up bringing tragedy upon a household. 

I remember praying to God for his blessed guidance through multiple matters of life. Whether it be a career or a relationship, I would ask for his wisdom in making the right choices. I have now realized that, though praying to God is still a wonderful attitude of a Christian, I had been making the choices myself, simply asking God to have my back. With every single decision made completely alone, I would find myself in trouble, or in frustrations. Not all life choices came out as disasters, but I have now gotten quite tired of soiling my life with poor decisions. I wanted to stop creating my Ishmaels. I had now wanted to find outright joy in my Isaacs. 

In my heart, I guess I wanted to say that I am fully tired of meeting and parting ways with that special someone. I truly hold raising a family to high value in my life. Meeting someone to love wholeheartedly through eternity seems to be the hardest task of my life. I realized that I had not been patient in waiting upon God's guidance in finding such a person. I just thought perhaps it was due time to wait upon the LORD. 

His Presence

"And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?' And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, 'Peace! Be still!' And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?'” Mark 4:37-40

It is easy to forget a lot when there is a storm about you, especially if you are in a boat. It is easy to let go of all the values and simply follow instinct amidst trouble. Yet, Jesus calmly lets his disciples know that he is still with them. 

I cannot say that my emotions are stable. To an advantage, I guess I can be lively and expressive. On the other hand, it would mean that I would have moments of sadness lull over a day or so. Yesterday was one of the lower days. The long weekend had adjusted me to life in Seoul, one packed with people and activities. It was sure depressing to leave it behind, even if it were for only a little while. Friend's rant on spirituality and condemnations definitely had its saddening effect, and to top if off, I played pretty awfully in a basketball game. 

As I was driving home, a 40-minute ride with few street lights, I could not help but to cry out to God. Everything seemed to put me on stage, perhaps a main character in a tragedy. Couple of friends that I reached out to via phone calls would of course not pick up that moment, calling back minutes later when I had closed up my heart for the night. No disaster had struck, but my soul was certainly downcast. 

I woke up early in the morning to an alarm. A familiar voice, that of a pastor, was heard from my phone. He quoted verses on Jesus calming the sea, and reminded his listeners to remember that God was present. He was with his disciples. He was with us, his children. And, though he seems to rebuke his disciples for their lack of faith, he still responded to their cries. He responded to mine. 

Immanuel. "God with us." It was one of those moments, those experiences of the Holy Spirit coming directly as a consolation, a comfort. It had been a while since I had truly felt Jesus reach out to me. I seem to forget easily, to live without much thought of God. I was truly glad to have the Lord remember me and care for me. 

Thank you. 

Trials and Peace

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3

On an earlier post, I wrote that I had been stationed in Chuncheon, one of the more envied places to be stationed within the public health doctors. I am utterly grateful for the opportunity, but, at the same time, I have had a tug of heart.

On the day before the raffle for stationing, I had a few choices in mind. I could apply to Jeonbuk and hope to have been stationed near Gochang in order to see the kids I have met while volunteering at a children's shelter. Or, I could have applied to the Ministry of Health and Welfare and hope to have been placed at Seoul Station to provide free medical services to the homeless. 

The downside of applying to Jeonbuk was that I was sure to be far from home. The downside of applying to the Ministry of Health and Welfare was that I had a higher chance of working at a prison. There were definitely more reasons for and against the decisions at hand, but in the end, I chose to apply to Gangwondo as it would be a place closest to home with the least amount of workload. 

Having got what I had thought I wanted, I spent most of my days doing nothing. I mean nothing it that I am rarely doing much that is constructive. At first, I had thought this was a gift from God as that of how Elijah was taken care of in the ravines. Recently, however, I feel that I had taken the road I had wanted, rather than what God would have loved. 

I can honestly say that I had been fearful. I was afraid of moving far from home yet again, afraid of the trials of serving a new place, afraid of responsibilities, afraid of feeling I was the only Christian in the neighborhood. I was afraid I would lead a life that of Martha, simply anxious and frustrated to "do" works, rather than to enjoy God. 

However, the choices were made and I have to live with this for three years. I am hesitant to say this, but there really seems little possibility of moving elsewhere now, and I feel like this will be a thorn in my heart for years.

I remember someone once saying that getting what you wanted all the time, of being left alone to do whatever by God could be a sign to reconsider your relationship with God.

Coincidentally, I am in the middle of reading the book of Jeremiah, and I feel like a sincere repentance is in order. 

It simply may be my workaholic attitude towards God that leads me to think that I should have taken the road with more work. It could be that I have trouble simply enjoying life that is given from God. In any case, this sure is a good opportunity to spend more time with God. 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

Jeremiah's Prayer

"Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps. Discipline me, Lord, but only in due measure— not in your anger, or you will reduce me to nothing." Jeremiah 10:23-24