Cryings from 2014

I want to have this recorded before I forget tomorrow morning. My dad felt rather unloved, coming from a family of chaos pretty much. My mother had trauma and anger built inside of her from lots of life events. My family isn’t as Christian loving family as I thought they were. We’re a dysfunctional family. No wonder I’m a sociopath.

God, why do you show us perfection if we’re nowhere near it, if we’ll never be able to reach it?

I guess it doesn’t matter anymore though. Maybe perfection isn’t what we were here for, yet it is so favorable. It looks so appealing.

But I know, perfection only exists after this life, only with God. So I’ll wait. 

Here With Me

You have no reason to say with me.
Yet, here you are, right by my side.
All I can say is 'Grace.'
All I can wonder is 'Love.'

Starting Today

Of my few problems with the Bible is that there are few accounts of the dailies of life for the Christians in the old days, the daily life occurrences. Why is it that only the major events are recorded?

On second thought, that is a bad question. I guess textbooks of history answers that in itself.

Perhaps there are diaries of Christians of generations old, and I just haven’t been searching fervently.

I guess all of this just stems from one underlying question: How should I live the today?

Year-End Favorites

The year is coming to an end. As I was reading today's passage, I just wondered, would anyone name me in their letter, exalting God for the work He has shown through me? Would I be worthy or even have just made an impact in another's life enough to be mentioned in their lives?

"My fellow prisoner Aristarchus sends you his greetings, as does Mark, the cousin of Barnabas. (You have received instructions about him; if he comes to you, welcome him.) Jesus, who is called Justus, also sends greetings. These are the only Jews among my co-workers for the kingdom of God, and they have proved a comfort to me. Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis. Our dear friend Luke, the doctor, and Demas send greetings. Give my greetings to the brothers and sisters at Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house." Colossians 4:10-15

Fight for the Word

You need to battle for the Bible, kid.

You need to read until the Bible takes hold of you, rather you take hold of it.

You need to take care of it, for it is your heart. 

Shh

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6

Shh. 
Stop with all the sex, power and money
Let your words flow like honey
Be mindful with your tongue
Lest you be shamed as you are young
Love is all you need to talk about
Make rain to end this graceless drought

A Prayer for Hardship

Lord, I have a request, please take it as you see fit.

I wish to troubled. I wish to be stretched beyond measure. I wish to encounter all the pain and sufferings that I can handle. I wish to be challenged. I wish to see how low my faith can go. I wish to see myself truly. 

Through it all, I wish to be a promise keeper. I wish to rise above all that you have set before me, and truly become what you have made me to be. 

Merry Christmas from Hapcheon

This Christmas was to be especially meaningful to me. I was finally able to be a part of the “Blessing” Outreach ministry, heading out to a local church far away from the main cities. The church we went to was one that I had been to two years ago. It was a café/church in a small town. The pastor had visions of business ministry, in which he would serve the community not only in the spiritual sense, but in other ways as well, like that of a café.

I had been meaning to be a part of this for nearly three years. The first two years, I had to study for a transfer examination in order to get into the medical school I am attending now. The third year, I had an exam on the 26^th of December. Of course, they may all sound like excuses, but in another sense, these were also ministries that I believe God had desired for me, and I did not want to give it only half an effort.

The outreach extended from Eve to Christmas Day. The pastor wanted us to hold a small celebration concert, in which we would sing Christmas songs and hand out gifts to those that did not share the faith. Afterwards, we headed to the local police station to sing carols. We hung out with the kids all night long, and the next day, served in the worship service with songs and sharing.

One of the reasons why I desperately wanted to go was because I always had a sense of emptiness when simply relaxing at home during these break times. After having spent time in places of lower income, perhaps even places with barely any electricity, let alone clean water, I felt too spoiled to simply “enjoy” life.

However, I had not felt as close to God, or felt a meaningful calling from Him. It was as if I was simply working. Though I do know that feelings should not be the judgmental factor in the "success" of a ministry, but a passage lingered in my head, which was 1 Corinthians 13. Verse 1 goes like this: "If I speak in tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

Of course I have gotten a broader perspective in terms of religion and life. I do not condemn myself as much as I had before. I have learned that wealth is still wealth, while God is all the greater. It was fun meeting new people, helping out with the church and simply praising God in times of relaxation, but I had also learned that this trip was more of my nagging to God. I am not so sure what his plans for me this winter break was, but he definitely allowed me to be a part of this because I wanted to join (at least to my belief). Nothing is better than obeying and following the will of God. This I learned yet again. 

I hope all of you had a merry Christmas. Let us remember who Jesus is. 

Day One

하나님, 이 아이가 너무 좋습니다. 하나님을 너무나도 사랑하면서 마음 속에 기쁨이 늘 넘치는 것 같아 함께 하는 것만으로도 즐겁습니다. 제가 기쁠 때 함께 기뻐해주며 슬플 때는 위로와 기도를 해줍니다. 허나 제가 하나님을 종종 잊듯이 이 아이를 향한 마음을 종종 놓치곤 합니다. 하지만 정말 이 사랑이 영원하길 바라는 마음이 있습니다. 너무나도 두려운 마음이 있으면서도 하나님께서 함께 해달라고 기도하는 순간 주께서는 찬송 가운데 함께하실 것이라 말씀해주셨음을 믿습니다. 주께서 기뻐하실 일을 하려는데 무엇이 두렵겠습니까? 주께서 절 사랑하시듯 제가 주를 사랑하며 주께서 절 사랑하듯 제가 이 아이를 사랑하기 원합니다. 

Weary

Proverbs 30:1-4

The sayings of Agur son of Jakeh—an inspired utterance.

This man’s utterance to Ithiel:

“I am weary, God,
    but I can prevail.
Surely I am only a brute, not a man;
    I do not have human understanding.
I have not learned wisdom,
    nor have I attained to the knowledge of the Holy One.
Who has gone up to heaven and come down?
    Whose hands have gathered up the wind?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a cloak?
    Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is the name of his son?
    Surely you know!

I am indeed weary, Lord.

I wish to be humbled before you. 

Knowledge Versus Spirituality

I use a booklet for my short time of prayer and passage reading. It has bits of the Bible with some comments, and it also has short excerpts from Christian books.

One of the stories had a testimony of a pastor. He, in his youth, traveled to a local island with a group of fellow church-goers for a short outreach program. Unfortunately, one of the members got bitten by a centipede. The boat out of the island only came once a day and the locals did not have any means of medical treatment. They all murmured that she needed help fast, or her life may be in danger.

The pastor prayed throughout the night for the well-being of the member. He wrote about how the locals were mocking the team, for although the team came in the name of God, they had to deal with something even the locals rarely had to deal with. The pastor was concerned that they may not be able to do justice to the Gospel, and that all this outreach mission would result in someone’s death, rather than glorifying God.

The next morning came, and the pastor saw with his eyes the glory of God, for the woman was perfectly healthy with no sight of swelling whatsoever.

In the last bit, he wrote that even 30 years after, he still remembers that moment, and that it even brings tears to his eyes.

After having read the story, I went online and checked for the treatment of centipede bites, being the overly passionate but sadly not as smart, medical student. Surprisingly, it was said that centipedes, Korean ones at least, usually carry no poison. The bites are mostly harmless (still painful).

This got me thinking about the way Christian think. I mean no disrespect to the pastor, but would he still have been as passionate in prayer if he knew that the bite was not lethal? How are we to deal with our lack of insight?

The love and healing experienced by the pastor was indeed real. It still brings tears to his eyes. I do not wish to take that away from him, but what are we to pray for then? The key to Christianity is in the relationship with God. It is not about the knowledge of the Bible, not simply about miracles. It is the walk with God that should be desired. Then, are we to pray for knowledge so that we know about His created world? How far do miracles extend to versus human imperfection? Where is the line between divine intervention and simply the created world?

There is still so much that I do not know. How can I be so arrogant then?

Realization Actualization

Break started. The family moved to a new home, and it is very cold here in Seoul.

It is really good to have some time for myself again. One of the rituals that I missed for being busy is getting up late, picking up the guitar and just singing christian songs, praying to God. As I was picking songs here and there, I realized that this may not be what God desires. Of course, praising God is clearly said upon the Bible, but I was reminded of a passage in John 21. It goes like this,

"Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." John 21:18

Before heading home, I went to say goodbye to one of my mentors. He told me that there are a lot of Christians, but there are not enough Christians that are desired by God. He added that people worship God in ways that they seem fit, while a very few actually worship in ways that God wants. 

I saw how I was very anxious to be done from school, so that I can "have time" with God. It occurred to me that God may have accepted my 5 second desperate cry for help during school, rather than a two hour long quiet time session during break. I realized that I am slowly called to let go of my desires and be led to places that I "do not want to go." 

Living With Inadequacy

For a while, I had this deep irking sensation, an idea. What did God think about us living with inadequacy? Daniel was that classic figure who knew it all and did it all. He truly lived a faithful life with nothing to shame his reputation before the Lord.

Let’s go back further. Joseph. His work was well when he was around. Though he was framed, though he showed signs of arrogance, nonetheless, he managed to rule Egypt with truly a great foresight from God.

The Disciples charged on with miracles, spreading the Gospel with authority. Of course, all of this was possible through the Holy Spirit, but then, what is it for us in the modern times?

Where is God, the victorious?

As the Bible progresses, we seem to be called to serve more than to conquer over nations. Where is the successful Christians heading to? What does it mean to flourish in our times?

As I ask these questions, I am solidly hesitant to publish these writings, because I seem to out of touch with God. Maybe I’m just completely out of God’s circle, and having trouble seeing His works clearly.

Where are you now? 

Anger Management

Lord, I have now seen my faults. My sins lie before you. I have been lazy and weak. I have forgotten your call to be your kingly priest. Lord, but I have one question. Why do you have me wallow in inadequacy? Why do you have people suffer in complete inability? Why have you then made the ideas of success and pride? With great presumption and what little shame I humlby ask that you show me your splendor, so that I may tremble in awe, in hopes that I will change for the better, the way I was meant to be.

The Blind Man Sees

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. 36 When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.”

He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him,  “What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God. Luke 18:35-43

The story begins with a blind man begging, and this opens up possibilities for endless judgments. Was this man begging before he was blind? Was he blind and started begging? Questions like these are seldom answered, but I will go down this path a later time. In the meanwhile, do think about the community that the beggar had and why he ended up begging. Being blind is no justification for begging.

Before we get to that point, what I wanted to point out today was that the blind man was the only figure in the passage to recognize who Jesus really was. In verse 37, the people refer to Jesus as ‘Jesus of Nazareth.’ The blind man, however, calls out, “Jesus, Son of David.” When he does so, he acknowledges the biblical prophesies of Jesus as the Messiah.

The question now stands, who really is blind here?

Token of Remembrance

I wanted to write this down here now, so that if you ask someday, I will remember it crystal clear.

1

Although I did not know much about you then, I wanted to give it a chance. It may have been a slight infatuation then, but still, it was more than I can bear.

When I heard you sing for the first time, it was amazing, but that wasn’t the time I wanted to get to know you more. It was later when I heard you sing a song about love, about true love. I am sure that you may not have deeply reflected on the lyrics then, but from having an idea of how God works, I knew that you would, someday, strive to live a life of such love. I knew then that I, too, wanted to do the same. I saw in you that you truly loved and found great joy in the LORD. I loved that you found your family to be a source of comfort, and I loved that God had led your life from then until now, and will forever on. I had never felt such vulnerability from someone, and it made my heart race even more. I also love that you do not find English that comfortable, because it gives me a chance to share my thoughts without you ever finding out about it :P. I know that you will one day break my heart, but I am willing to say that I still won’t run away. I sincerely hope you won’t run away as well when I happen to break yours.

2

As I got to know you more, I grew to really enjoy your presence. It’s really weird how relationships work. For some odd reason, marriage came to be. Afterwards, society moved on to make a concept of dating before marriage happened. I won’t discuss the likeness of history, but praying about relationships was never my forte. I do know, however, that it is something which should not be held lightly. I am hesitant to yet say that I love you, for I believe love is much greater than what I believe it to be. I believe it to bear much weight. Plus, it really hasn’t been long since I started to get to know you. As for now, though, I can say I love that you are always so joyful. I love that you laugh with me in times of happiness, and that you cheer me up when I am down. I love that you pray for me amongst all, and I truly want this to last. I wish to love God as He has loved me, and I wish to love you as God has loved me. I am willing to be patient; I am willing to be responsible.

3

Maybe I had gotten ahead of myself. Maybe that is why my previous relationship endeavors did not work out. The good of it all is that I am willing to wait, and take more time. I am not burning with desire at the moment, but gently kindling. I wish to be a friend first than a lover. By grace, I am in peace with it all, for whenever I am with you, nothing really matters.