Cryings from 2014

I want to have this recorded before I forget tomorrow morning. My dad felt rather unloved, coming from a family of chaos pretty much. My mother had trauma and anger built inside of her from lots of life events. My family isn’t as Christian loving family as I thought they were. We’re a dysfunctional family. No wonder I’m a sociopath.

God, why do you show us perfection if we’re nowhere near it, if we’ll never be able to reach it?

I guess it doesn’t matter anymore though. Maybe perfection isn’t what we were here for, yet it is so favorable. It looks so appealing.

But I know, perfection only exists after this life, only with God. So I’ll wait. 

Here With Me

You have no reason to say with me.
Yet, here you are, right by my side.
All I can say is 'Grace.'
All I can wonder is 'Love.'

Starting Today

Of my few problems with the Bible is that there are few accounts of the dailies of life for the Christians in the old days, the daily life occurrences. Why is it that only the major events are recorded?

On second thought, that is a bad question. I guess textbooks of history answers that in itself.

Perhaps there are diaries of Christians of generations old, and I just haven’t been searching fervently.

I guess all of this just stems from one underlying question: How should I live the today?

Year-End Favorites

The year is coming to an end. As I was reading today's passage, I just wondered, would anyone name me in their letter, exalting God for the work He has shown through me? Would I be worthy or even have just made an impact in another's life enough to be mentioned in their lives?

"My fellow prisoner Aristarchus sends you his greetings, as does Mark, the cousin of Barnabas. (You have received instructions about him; if he comes to you, welcome him.) Jesus, who is called Justus, also sends greetings. These are the only Jews among my co-workers for the kingdom of God, and they have proved a comfort to me. Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis. Our dear friend Luke, the doctor, and Demas send greetings. Give my greetings to the brothers and sisters at Laodicea, and to Nympha and the church in her house." Colossians 4:10-15

Fight for the Word

You need to battle for the Bible, kid.

You need to read until the Bible takes hold of you, rather you take hold of it.

You need to take care of it, for it is your heart. 

Shh

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:6

Shh. 
Stop with all the sex, power and money
Let your words flow like honey
Be mindful with your tongue
Lest you be shamed as you are young
Love is all you need to talk about
Make rain to end this graceless drought

A Prayer for Hardship

Lord, I have a request, please take it as you see fit.

I wish to troubled. I wish to be stretched beyond measure. I wish to encounter all the pain and sufferings that I can handle. I wish to be challenged. I wish to see how low my faith can go. I wish to see myself truly. 

Through it all, I wish to be a promise keeper. I wish to rise above all that you have set before me, and truly become what you have made me to be. 

Merry Christmas from Hapcheon

This Christmas was to be especially meaningful to me. I was finally able to be a part of the “Blessing” Outreach ministry, heading out to a local church far away from the main cities. The church we went to was one that I had been to two years ago. It was a café/church in a small town. The pastor had visions of business ministry, in which he would serve the community not only in the spiritual sense, but in other ways as well, like that of a café.

I had been meaning to be a part of this for nearly three years. The first two years, I had to study for a transfer examination in order to get into the medical school I am attending now. The third year, I had an exam on the 26^th of December. Of course, they may all sound like excuses, but in another sense, these were also ministries that I believe God had desired for me, and I did not want to give it only half an effort.

The outreach extended from Eve to Christmas Day. The pastor wanted us to hold a small celebration concert, in which we would sing Christmas songs and hand out gifts to those that did not share the faith. Afterwards, we headed to the local police station to sing carols. We hung out with the kids all night long, and the next day, served in the worship service with songs and sharing.

One of the reasons why I desperately wanted to go was because I always had a sense of emptiness when simply relaxing at home during these break times. After having spent time in places of lower income, perhaps even places with barely any electricity, let alone clean water, I felt too spoiled to simply “enjoy” life.

However, I had not felt as close to God, or felt a meaningful calling from Him. It was as if I was simply working. Though I do know that feelings should not be the judgmental factor in the "success" of a ministry, but a passage lingered in my head, which was 1 Corinthians 13. Verse 1 goes like this: "If I speak in tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal."

Of course I have gotten a broader perspective in terms of religion and life. I do not condemn myself as much as I had before. I have learned that wealth is still wealth, while God is all the greater. It was fun meeting new people, helping out with the church and simply praising God in times of relaxation, but I had also learned that this trip was more of my nagging to God. I am not so sure what his plans for me this winter break was, but he definitely allowed me to be a part of this because I wanted to join (at least to my belief). Nothing is better than obeying and following the will of God. This I learned yet again. 

I hope all of you had a merry Christmas. Let us remember who Jesus is. 

Day One

하나님, 이 아이가 너무 좋습니다. 하나님을 너무나도 사랑하면서 마음 속에 기쁨이 늘 넘치는 것 같아 함께 하는 것만으로도 즐겁습니다. 제가 기쁠 때 함께 기뻐해주며 슬플 때는 위로와 기도를 해줍니다. 허나 제가 하나님을 종종 잊듯이 이 아이를 향한 마음을 종종 놓치곤 합니다. 하지만 정말 이 사랑이 영원하길 바라는 마음이 있습니다. 너무나도 두려운 마음이 있으면서도 하나님께서 함께 해달라고 기도하는 순간 주께서는 찬송 가운데 함께하실 것이라 말씀해주셨음을 믿습니다. 주께서 기뻐하실 일을 하려는데 무엇이 두렵겠습니까? 주께서 절 사랑하시듯 제가 주를 사랑하며 주께서 절 사랑하듯 제가 이 아이를 사랑하기 원합니다. 

Weary

Proverbs 30:1-4

The sayings of Agur son of Jakeh—an inspired utterance.

This man’s utterance to Ithiel:

“I am weary, God,
    but I can prevail.
Surely I am only a brute, not a man;
    I do not have human understanding.
I have not learned wisdom,
    nor have I attained to the knowledge of the Holy One.
Who has gone up to heaven and come down?
    Whose hands have gathered up the wind?
Who has wrapped up the waters in a cloak?
    Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is his name, and what is the name of his son?
    Surely you know!

I am indeed weary, Lord.

I wish to be humbled before you. 

Knowledge Versus Spirituality

I use a booklet for my short time of prayer and passage reading. It has bits of the Bible with some comments, and it also has short excerpts from Christian books.

One of the stories had a testimony of a pastor. He, in his youth, traveled to a local island with a group of fellow church-goers for a short outreach program. Unfortunately, one of the members got bitten by a centipede. The boat out of the island only came once a day and the locals did not have any means of medical treatment. They all murmured that she needed help fast, or her life may be in danger.

The pastor prayed throughout the night for the well-being of the member. He wrote about how the locals were mocking the team, for although the team came in the name of God, they had to deal with something even the locals rarely had to deal with. The pastor was concerned that they may not be able to do justice to the Gospel, and that all this outreach mission would result in someone’s death, rather than glorifying God.

The next morning came, and the pastor saw with his eyes the glory of God, for the woman was perfectly healthy with no sight of swelling whatsoever.

In the last bit, he wrote that even 30 years after, he still remembers that moment, and that it even brings tears to his eyes.

After having read the story, I went online and checked for the treatment of centipede bites, being the overly passionate but sadly not as smart, medical student. Surprisingly, it was said that centipedes, Korean ones at least, usually carry no poison. The bites are mostly harmless (still painful).

This got me thinking about the way Christian think. I mean no disrespect to the pastor, but would he still have been as passionate in prayer if he knew that the bite was not lethal? How are we to deal with our lack of insight?

The love and healing experienced by the pastor was indeed real. It still brings tears to his eyes. I do not wish to take that away from him, but what are we to pray for then? The key to Christianity is in the relationship with God. It is not about the knowledge of the Bible, not simply about miracles. It is the walk with God that should be desired. Then, are we to pray for knowledge so that we know about His created world? How far do miracles extend to versus human imperfection? Where is the line between divine intervention and simply the created world?

There is still so much that I do not know. How can I be so arrogant then?

Realization Actualization

Break started. The family moved to a new home, and it is very cold here in Seoul.

It is really good to have some time for myself again. One of the rituals that I missed for being busy is getting up late, picking up the guitar and just singing christian songs, praying to God. As I was picking songs here and there, I realized that this may not be what God desires. Of course, praising God is clearly said upon the Bible, but I was reminded of a passage in John 21. It goes like this,

"Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." John 21:18

Before heading home, I went to say goodbye to one of my mentors. He told me that there are a lot of Christians, but there are not enough Christians that are desired by God. He added that people worship God in ways that they seem fit, while a very few actually worship in ways that God wants. 

I saw how I was very anxious to be done from school, so that I can "have time" with God. It occurred to me that God may have accepted my 5 second desperate cry for help during school, rather than a two hour long quiet time session during break. I realized that I am slowly called to let go of my desires and be led to places that I "do not want to go." 

Living With Inadequacy

For a while, I had this deep irking sensation, an idea. What did God think about us living with inadequacy? Daniel was that classic figure who knew it all and did it all. He truly lived a faithful life with nothing to shame his reputation before the Lord.

Let’s go back further. Joseph. His work was well when he was around. Though he was framed, though he showed signs of arrogance, nonetheless, he managed to rule Egypt with truly a great foresight from God.

The Disciples charged on with miracles, spreading the Gospel with authority. Of course, all of this was possible through the Holy Spirit, but then, what is it for us in the modern times?

Where is God, the victorious?

As the Bible progresses, we seem to be called to serve more than to conquer over nations. Where is the successful Christians heading to? What does it mean to flourish in our times?

As I ask these questions, I am solidly hesitant to publish these writings, because I seem to out of touch with God. Maybe I’m just completely out of God’s circle, and having trouble seeing His works clearly.

Where are you now? 

Anger Management

Lord, I have now seen my faults. My sins lie before you. I have been lazy and weak. I have forgotten your call to be your kingly priest. Lord, but I have one question. Why do you have me wallow in inadequacy? Why do you have people suffer in complete inability? Why have you then made the ideas of success and pride? With great presumption and what little shame I humlby ask that you show me your splendor, so that I may tremble in awe, in hopes that I will change for the better, the way I was meant to be.

The Blind Man Sees

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. 36 When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.”

He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him,  “What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God. Luke 18:35-43

The story begins with a blind man begging, and this opens up possibilities for endless judgments. Was this man begging before he was blind? Was he blind and started begging? Questions like these are seldom answered, but I will go down this path a later time. In the meanwhile, do think about the community that the beggar had and why he ended up begging. Being blind is no justification for begging.

Before we get to that point, what I wanted to point out today was that the blind man was the only figure in the passage to recognize who Jesus really was. In verse 37, the people refer to Jesus as ‘Jesus of Nazareth.’ The blind man, however, calls out, “Jesus, Son of David.” When he does so, he acknowledges the biblical prophesies of Jesus as the Messiah.

The question now stands, who really is blind here?

Token of Remembrance

I wanted to write this down here now, so that if you ask someday, I will remember it crystal clear.

1

Although I did not know much about you then, I wanted to give it a chance. It may have been a slight infatuation then, but still, it was more than I can bear.

When I heard you sing for the first time, it was amazing, but that wasn’t the time I wanted to get to know you more. It was later when I heard you sing a song about love, about true love. I am sure that you may not have deeply reflected on the lyrics then, but from having an idea of how God works, I knew that you would, someday, strive to live a life of such love. I knew then that I, too, wanted to do the same. I saw in you that you truly loved and found great joy in the LORD. I loved that you found your family to be a source of comfort, and I loved that God had led your life from then until now, and will forever on. I had never felt such vulnerability from someone, and it made my heart race even more. I also love that you do not find English that comfortable, because it gives me a chance to share my thoughts without you ever finding out about it :P. I know that you will one day break my heart, but I am willing to say that I still won’t run away. I sincerely hope you won’t run away as well when I happen to break yours.

2

As I got to know you more, I grew to really enjoy your presence. It’s really weird how relationships work. For some odd reason, marriage came to be. Afterwards, society moved on to make a concept of dating before marriage happened. I won’t discuss the likeness of history, but praying about relationships was never my forte. I do know, however, that it is something which should not be held lightly. I am hesitant to yet say that I love you, for I believe love is much greater than what I believe it to be. I believe it to bear much weight. Plus, it really hasn’t been long since I started to get to know you. As for now, though, I can say I love that you are always so joyful. I love that you laugh with me in times of happiness, and that you cheer me up when I am down. I love that you pray for me amongst all, and I truly want this to last. I wish to love God as He has loved me, and I wish to love you as God has loved me. I am willing to be patient; I am willing to be responsible.

3

Maybe I had gotten ahead of myself. Maybe that is why my previous relationship endeavors did not work out. The good of it all is that I am willing to wait, and take more time. I am not burning with desire at the moment, but gently kindling. I wish to be a friend first than a lover. By grace, I am in peace with it all, for whenever I am with you, nothing really matters. 

Why do people get married?

I have come at the period in my life where my acquaintances are readily getting married. Despite my exam schedule, I decided to pay a visit to a good friend of mine from back in college. The sermon was rather a classic one. The pastor quoted 1 Corinthians and spoke about love. It could have been just that I had not listened to many sermons recently, but one of the sayings clung on to me. He mentioned how marriage is just the beginning, and that many troubles and quarrels will follow. This, I knew and had heard many times. The next part was that people still get married because of the glories that will soon follow.

For me, worrying was one of my habits. Especially in relationships, I would think about pretty much everything that might happen. I would soon reach a conclusion and sabotage the relationship. I guess I had never thought about the riches and the joys that are to come as well.

Christianity, like marriage, is all about the troubles and the prestige. It is not always happy, yet it is not always depressing. It is not ever carefree, yet it is not always painful.

PS: I think I may be ready to give it another shot. 

바보

연락이 올 때마다 기분이 순식간에 좋아진다.

메시지가 오면 괜히 소중해서 아껴보게 된다.

누군가가 나를 알아준다는 것이 너무 아름답다, 감사하다.

Alcohol Slumber into the Night

“There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it.” Matthew 27:34

Why do I not drink? Mostly because I do not like the taste, and I do not like the looming feeling of depressed brain function. Also, by withholding, I am allowed to enlighten others about the social injustices that are rampant due alcohol. It is not the alcohol that brings about destruction to society, but alcohol is a mediator for unwelcome circumstances.  

Another reason is to give others the opportunity to talk about my belief. Jesus at the cross refused to drink wine mixed with gall, which was supposedly for hydration and anesthetic purposes (referenced here if you are interested). I took it as Jesus’ desire to be fully conscious of what he was doing, his crucifixion.

I, too, wish to be fully aware of every second of God’s will being done here on earth. Perhaps so that in the end, I will not watch God pass by “like a thief in the night” (1 Thessalonians 5:2).

Letters from E. Hemingway

To EZRA POUND, Paris, 17 March 1924

Bill [Bird] is getting out my book, it was promised by the bindery three weeks ago— different dates have been set since. After awaiting various set dates by the binder I have lost the fine thrill enjoyed by Benjamin Franklin when entering Philadelphia with a roll under each arm. Fuck Literature.
I am writing some damn good stories. I wish you were here to tell me so, so I would believe it or else what is the matter with them. You are the only guy that knows agod damn thing about writing.

Letter to Ezra Pound, July 19, 1924:
Dear Ezra—
Here, at 900 meters above the Nivel del Mare on the Spanish side of the Pyrenees is a good place to observe the ruin of my finances and literary career. Shit. I appeared in the bull ring on 5 different mornings—was cogida 3 times—accomplished 4 veronicas in good form and one natural with the muleta, the last morning, received contusions and abrasions in the pecho and other places, was drunk twice, saw Bill drunk twice…We haven’t enough pesetas now to pay our hotel Bill and dont know how we’ll get away from here.
…Having been bitched financially and in a literary way by my friends I take great and unintellectual pleasure in the immediate triumphs of the bull ring with their reward in ovations, alcoholism, being pointed out on the street, general respect and the other things Literary Guys have to wait until they are 89 years old to get.
The Plaza is the only remaining place where valor and art can combine for success. In all other arts the more meazly and shitty the guy, I.E. Joyce, the greater the success in his art…
Then when a guy has a few decent human instincts like yourself what do they do to him? I wish to hell I was 16 and had art and valor.
…I am going to have to quit writing because we haven’t any money. The Transatlantic killed my chances of having a book published this fall and by next Spring some son of a bitch will have copied everything I’ve written and they will simply call me another of his imitators.
Now we haven’t got any money anymore I am going to have to quit writing and I never will have a book published. I feel cheerful as hell. These god damn bastards.
See you about the 27th of the month.
Love to Dorothy—
Hem.

The only fact I could recall about Ernest Hemingway was that he was a writer. I had no information on where he was from, what books he had written, or any interest in him, until a few days ago, that is. I am pretty busy with studies. The finals are coming up soon, and I am not feeling too well. Nonetheless, classroom boredom led me to read random articles online, and I happened to come across these ones. The article portrayed various letters Ernest Hemingway had sent to his friends. The hot issue was that he had been quoted to write, “Fuck literature.” With a little research, I had come to know that he was a Nobel Prize winner, of course, for literature. For someone of such high accolade, it is quite fascinating to see him say such words. I do acknowledge that this was rather his younger years, and private letters should not be quoted as the man’s general perspectives, but it was quite a relief to me. The frustration probably came from his love for writing intertwined with the realities of his economic status. It was nice to see that even the masters are prone to dislike their subject specialties. It was also nice to see that anger against does not always have to be negative, rather a heightened expression of love.

Convo Scrubs

Yo man, I'm all ears. I am open, open for business,
open for business that just opened for the first time,
a business run by a hopeful fresh outta college graduate who has yet been tainted by the sour actions of society kinda O-P-E-N, open.

See, I often let myself pull back, you know.
My soul leaves and sees myself from above, see what it feels like.
I match myself with my standard of a gentleman,
and everything just starts to seem small.
I feel myself get bigger and stronger
for WORLD DOMINATION! AHAHAHA...er

What I was saying...
As I heard you talk back, recall, and call again the past,
I thought of how you should chillax more, and when I say chillax,
I don't mean like a jock saying to a nerd, "Yo, you dork, chill,"
but in a sense of a good friend saying to a troubled friend, "let's relax!"

Breaktime Confession

Hi, God.
I just had a moment of free time, so I wanted to say that I love you.
I know I don't know much about you, but I am still trying to be very open.
I want to know you more, despite what I actually do.
Please be patient with me, and I will forever move to give myself to you. 

Jacob Wrestled

"That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man." Genesis 32:22-25

The passage for today’s bible study was on Genesis 32. The story sets off with Jacob sending off all that he had across the river to greet his brother, Esau, in hopes that his brother’s anger may be subsided.

I caught a habit of visualizing what I read in the bible, at least to some extent. I imagined a rather desert-like area with a river of a decent width. Jacob is left sitting alone on a rock, perhaps with some sheets for comfort. Now, suddenly, he starts wrestling a man. He just starts wrestling a man. I looked up the Hebrew word for ‘wrestle’ to see if there was any meaning that got lost in translation, but there were none. The Hebrew term was ‘abaq’ which seemed to have its origin in ‘dust’ that correlated to “dust-ify”, henceforth, wrestle. The timeframe starts with ‘that night’ and is extended to ‘daybreak.’ By taking ‘night’ to mean the sun setting, the earliest time would be around 5PM, and ‘daybreak,’ taken to mean sunrise, would be to around 7AM, all in Israel time. That is a good 12 hours.

How did Jacob even meet this guy? Did he appear out of nowhere?

After having asked this question, a good follow-up passage was pointed out, which was Genesis 18. It says, “The Lord appeared to Abraham near the great trees of Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance to his tent in the heat of the day. Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground.” Genesis 18:1-2

Abraham had a similar encounter, assuming that all these ‘men’ were angels of God. Abraham must have had some notion of holiness, or, a difference in these ‘men.’ Abraham does not wrestle with these men, but rather, escorts them and treats them. One in common though, is that he, too, asked them to stick around.

I really did not have a clear message in mind when I started writing about this passage. I just wanted to point the facts out. In simply reading the translated passage, all we see is that Jacob randomly started wrestling a man for half a day’s time. What should this mean for us? That we should be aware of God’s angels passing by? Or that he should find in our hearts, a desire to wrestle with God in body or in mind?

Who wrestles someone in these times anyways?

Text from SMBC#3088

I told you that if there were something beyond the grave, I would contact you.
I ordered this package to be sent in the event of my death.
If there were a way to reach beyond death, I would've stopped this package before you got it.
I'm sorry.
But you see I've set up a win-win for you.
Either you see me again, or you get a box of candy.
We were both sensations to each other - eyes, ears, nose, hands, mouth.
So, as long as I can tickle a few of those, I'm only gone from myself. Not from you.
I'm sorry I couldn't stop this package.
But I'll try to get the one for next month.

Source: http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3088/#comic

강의실 발버둥 (feat. exod J, saintOJ)

Part 1
[GrasDeo]

A yo, 강의를 듣기 전 나는 심쿵

그녀는 바로 냄쿵

설래는 나의 맘은 강풍

나는 지금도 무호흡-중

 

[saintOJ]

Yeap

My status is apnea

so my HR is tachypnea

 

[GrasDeo]

Check check, Yo exod, 너도 한마디 go go

 

[exod J]

yo man, beat 주세요

 

[saintOJ]

두둠 칫 두둠칫칫

4/4

check it, check it

두둠칫 두둠칫칫

 

[exod J]

아침부터 소아외과 캉산

내 뱃속은 이미 가득 염산

강의록은 넘쳐나는 한 산

하지만 내 마음은 이미 먼 산

 

"츄핏 강산님만 아니면 떠났을 것을..."

 

[saintOJ]

당장 떠나 방으로 가

가서 라면 포트로 가

라면과 햇반은 갑 중의 갑

아침부터 끓여볼까

계란과 스팸이 들어간 신라-면

냠냠쩝쩝 후르룩

 

"제이 나 스팸있으..."

 

[exod J]

조져 볼까 아침부터 스팸

우리들의 이름은 라면팸

 

"OJ 라면은 언제 먹을거임?"

 

[saintOJ]

이 캉산이 떠날 때

그 때가 바로 라면을 끓여야 할 때

 

[exod J]

벗겨지는 내 마음속의 때

달려가자 수업 따위는 빼

내가 낼 건 이거 하나

내 청춘의 패

 

Part 2

[GrasDeo]

A yo, this is 디스

디스를 피며 하는 디스

그건 바로 너의 판단 miss

아무리 애걸해도 봐주지 않는 그 미스

잊어버려 그 따위 달콤한 키스

이젠 안녕 제발 peace

 

[exod J]

"안녕...피스 GrasDeo"

 

[GrasDeo]

카톡의 노예가 되고 싶지 않아

연락 오길 기다리고 싶지 않아

 

[exod J]

애걸했다면 너는 이미 진심

만나주지 않는다고?

집어 치워 그 따위 미스의 본심!

 

기다림은 언제나 목을 죄는 쇠사슬

내 손은 카톡 따위에 묶여있지 않아

마음의 족쇄는 시간만이 풀어줄 뿐

하지만 풀어버려 카톡 따위 너의 손으로

 

[GrasDeo]

하지만 너도 이미 묶여있지

보이지 않는 이 강한 실

그건 바로 진리관 강의실

이 따위의 밀실

그 안에서 실성해서 실실

침은 질질, 내 몸은 여전히 빌빌

 

[exod J]

끊어 버려 강의실의 강한 실

날 묶는 건 강한 실이 아닌 내 정신

누가 뭐라해도 이게 바로 진실

 

[GrasDeo]

"이거 저장해놔야지"

 

[exod J]

가득한 허세 따위 묻어버려 카톡의 시간 속에

이 순간 저장하는 건 폰이 아닌 우리 마음 속에

 

[saintOJ]

show me the moneyy!

 

[exod J]

지워버려 스샷 따위

저장된 레터는 내 진심을 향한 건샷!

피쓰!

Lecture Boredom Scribblings

Each passing moment drags me too fast
At times I just sit back and watch myself become the past
Before I know it I am cast 
right back into the deep vast, ranking at last

The race is still on while all the others are gone
But now I remember the devil's the greatest con
When is that gonna dawn before another yawn

Now the only reason I'm running along
is to tell you we are wrong
Come listen to His perfect love song
telling you to stay strong

Desperate but never servient
open invitation ambient
Obedient is the right ingredient

Running still peace in mind

Slavish Fear, Reverent Fear

“Moses said to the people, ‘Do not be afraid. God has come to test you, so that the fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning.’” Exodus 20:20

I definitely have trouble with authority. When I say trouble, I don’t really mean that I will go out of my way to avoid it, but it definitely brings some discomfort. Naturally, when I read passages such as these, my mind becomes a bit more alert. As it was the weekend, I had more time to research into the passage. I know it is easy to pass by, but if you read the passage carefully, it really makes no sense. Moses says “do not fear” yet the “fear of God” is to keep from sinning.

I wanted to find the actual Hebrew words for “fear” used in the two instances, but, wow, Hebrew is amazingly difficult. I did find a commentary that extinguished my curiosity to a point where I can actually move on to do other tasks of the day. It explained the former “fear” signifies that of a slavish fear, the fear of harm and terror. The latter “fear” is that of a reverence of the Divine.

I noticed that I am fearful of those with authority. I fear that I may be banished from my position. I fear that I may be rejected, or harmed. I fear that pain may be afflicted on me. From such fear, I can easily see myself obeying the law of God. I see myself hesitant to sin from such a fear (notice I said “hesitant”).

Nonetheless, I really do not believe that God just wants obeying people out of this slavish fear. The Bible speaks of loving relationships, a walk together, and being in constant terror seems no way near the image mentioned. How then can this irony be mended?

Perhaps it was from all the experiences I had with former authorities that led me to be fearful, the slavish way. Although I am strong in that there were many instances of grace beset upon me, I do remember the times when no forgiveness or grace was given to me from my times of fall. The authorities would punish me, and I would be left alone to look back. That moment of isolation seemed to have been hard on me. I know those times will probably come yet again someday, but I now know better not to attribute such dealings to God.

I believe the difference between slavish fear and reverent fear is in that isolation. I believe that slavish fear is from recognition that I will be isolated in my shortcomings. Reverent fear holds that I will never be left alone.

Hopefully, someday, I will be someone in authority, exercising reverent fear, rather the slavish fear. 

Response: ReClaim

Response to Confession Session (Nov. 6, 2014)

yo,
I see you spit out your confessions
conscience, that broke down in your missions,
like a car broken down in the high way
going that path that God set for you
and you missed his way, uhh
like a broken exhaust,
that time that you spent and lost,
의대생의 시간들
주일 밤 너만의 추억들
다시 학교로 원주로
너 홀로 현실로
버스 안에서 lonely 고속도로

you've driven thousands of miles
a life of Joseph, in the midst of river Nile,
애굽의 생활이 힘들지,
인생의 터널은 왜이리 긴지
터널 끝의 빛은 보이는데, 왜 이리 먼지
기도하며 하나님께 묻지
삶의 폭풍과 파도와
어둠의 파장들의 풍가가
언제 쯤 잠잠해질지, uhh

Nevertheless, tonight I pray for you,
that Immanuel our Lord will always be with you.
uhh, that loss of passion,
devil's persuasions and tempations,
confusions and delusions,
it's all a season,
and you'll get by.
and once this night is over,
it'll all be sweet memories and lullabies
tomorrow's a new day and we'll get by,
so push on,

Friendship via Lewis

A quick little blurb my friend had sent me goes like this:

"Lewis insisted that friendship arose when two people realised that they "have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden)."

If I Had Lunch with C. S. Lewis by Alister McGrath

Reflections on Psalm 45

Psalm 45

My heart is stirred by a noble theme
as I recite my verses for the king;
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.

You are the most excellent of men
and your lips have been anointed with grace,
since God has blessed you forever.

Gird your sword on your side, you mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
In your majesty ride forth victoriously
in the cause of truth, humility and justice;
let your right hand achieve awesome deeds.
Let your sharp arrows pierce the hearts of the king’s enemies;
let the nations fall beneath your feet.
Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever;
a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.
You love righteousness and hate wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions
by anointing you with the oil of joy.
All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia;
from palaces adorned with ivory
the music of the strings makes you glad.
Daughters of kings are among your honored women;
at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.

Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention:
Forget your people and your father’s house.
Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord.
The city of Tyre will come with a gift,
people of wealth will seek your favor.
All glorious is the princess within her chamber;
her gown is interwoven with gold.
In embroidered garments she is led to the king;
her virgin companions follow her—
those brought to be with her.
Led in with joy and gladness,
they enter the palace of the king.

Your sons will take the place of your fathers;
you will make them princes throughout the land.

I will perpetuate your memory through all generations;
therefore the nations will praise you for ever and ever.

This Psalm felt so very new to me. I could not recall ever reading it. It so beautifully describes Jesus as one who is held in glorious honor. It helps us realize who Jesus really is, how he should be portrayed in the minds of ours, even to the present day. Amen, Lord, I love you.

Year End Stupidity

God, after all those years of my stubbornness, my unwillingness to follow you or to obey you, all it took was just a girl, a girl I barely even know. I know my motives are to impress her, which probably is not entirely spiritually healthy, but just the thought of how drastically I changed baffles me. I started being more active in serving. I notice times of when I should be praying. I watch my every move and every word spoken. I guess in that sense, she isn't "just" a girl, perhaps your blessing? Then again, I stop letting my mind wander too far, for I still want you to have the authority, the control over all in my life. I am at your mercy, God. O Lord, I still have too long a way to go, or maybe I never was any further beyond my starting grounds. Nonetheless, I am still here, knelt before you. Thank you whatsoever. 

Response 11.16.14

Well, I was at church, praising the Lord in a good bunch,
giving myself the time to think about that feeling, a hunch
to look back at how I spent my time, my dime, how I wasted my rhyme.
Luckily, He, so heavenly, gave me forgiveness so wide openly,
so here's another one to You, o Holy One, giving to what's only due.
Amazing is the crew, refreshment like that of morning dew.
Hallelujah, saying Selah in a capella
Hosanna Immanuel forever, God with us. 

Glory in Fading

* “While” is a beautiful word. It shows a certain passage of time, a longing. Something is sweeter after a while…

It has been a while since I had gone to morning prayers. By the general character of a morning, added with the demography of the church, the prayer meetings are usually filled with the elderly.

As slumber was partnered with me yet, I stumbled in the pews with a certain nonchalant stupor. An old man was seen from the corner of my eyes. He was squinting to see the tiny letters on his Bible. He had a walking cane by his side. His white hair was combed nicely even at such an early hour.

How I wished to grow old like him. 

독백: 새벽의 센치함

너도 이런 기분이었을까

무슨 생각하는지 몰라 애타기만하고

하루에도 수십번 마음을 접을까 고민하면서도

또 만난 너에게 다시 반해

그렇게 마음만 커져가는걸

너에게 나는 어떤 의미일까

사실 혼자만의 생각인걸 알면서도

새롭게 찾아온 마음은

쉽사리 가시질 않는다

마음은 애타지만 미소는 사라지지 않는

Secret in Whispers

Hey.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.

When people usually say something this intimate, they will tell you something that will change your mind, a paradigm shift. But I’m only here to tell you what you already know, but add a little upon that.

This world you see, it is real. It’s so very real. The laws of the universe, however, the rules that govern this place…they are not what they seem.

What we have discovered, this world we know, it is actually run by God. So if you have any questions about anything, it is best to ask Him about it.

* And here is something that you might have missed: Knowing a Christian, even just knowing is a blessing. That’s how great God is. 

The Four

Now I watched when the Lamb opened one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures say with a voice like thunder, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a white horse! And its rider had a bow, and a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering, and to conquer.

When he opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, “Come!” And out came another horse, bright red. Its rider was permitted to take peace from the earth, so that people should slay one another, and he was given a great sword.

When he opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a black horse! And its rider had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard what seemed to be a voice in the midst of the four living creatures, saying, “A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius, and do not harm the oil and wine!”

When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a pale horse! And its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by wild beasts of the earth. Revelation 6:1-8

As a video game nerd in my younger years, such fantasies still excite a small part of my emotions.

Even if you had been attending church for a while, this might still be a little unfamiliar to you. The book of Revelation is not a book often picked for sermons. You would see that it is a tricky book to read. With a lot of explanations that are rather uncommon to our daily lives, it is difficult to understand and interpret it in the modern world.

I guess the beauty of it all would be the multiple possible explanations. For one, just this weekend, the daily passage of the sermon was specifically on the Four Horsemen. I always had taken it to be a fancy method of judgement coming, but the pastor had a different take. He saw it as God’s sovereignty.

Despite any of my crisp behavior, the coming of disasters might have nothing to do with it. Peace is given by God and destruction is given by God. I am completely under the mercy of Him. Somewhere in my mind, I always thought my doing “good” would somehow lead me to quiet waters. I am starting to be more dependent on God, as all I can say is, “God be merciful.” 

교만한 Talk

일이 생겼을 때 자기 탓을 하는 것은 교만이다. 마치 자기가 잘했다면 일이 잘 풀렸을 것이라 생각하는 것이기 때문이다.

다른 이들에게 탓을 돌리는 것 역시 교만이다. 그것은 자기 안의 흠을 인정하지 못하는 것이다. 

The Dance of David

It is rare for me to stand in front of others and be recognized as the center of attention. It is also rare for me to even stand in front of others. I do not have glossophobia. I am perfectly able to fully function in front of people on stage (I may be a bit anxious, I must admit). The reason I avoid such an attention stemmed from my desire to hide myself and only reveal the Holy Spirit within me. It is a silly and an immature behavior on retrospect, but I like to think that it had its good parts in the eyes of the Lord.

The reason I am saying all this is because I had volunteered to be one of the singers in the worship team. This is not a regular event. I am part of the worship team as the sound guy, but whenever there is a lack of male singers, I pitch in from time to time (only when there is too significant difference in the male to female ratio of singers).

Nonetheless, the experience is always humbling. I always feel like I am literally standing in front of the LORD. My arms and legs tremble, and my palms get rather sweaty. The humiliating sins accumulated within my soul, the pure beauty that draws my reverence to Him, the wonderful experience just to be in His presence leaves me wordless.

Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets…
 David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.” 2 Samuel 6:14-15, 21-22

I keep forgetting that Christianity is not a self-help session. It is not a place to shape up my behaviors. It is a mass celebration. It is a place of shame that is no more.

At one point, I thought I really needed to be able to dance in front of millions of people. I thought I really needed to make a fool out of myself. The self in me was too strong, and is probably still too strong, but now I know what this means. It does mean that I should not be afraid of what others think of me, but it means more that my heart should be joyous even with the whisper of God’s name.