Competitive Spirit

Our school holds a small tournament of 3v3 basketball. It starts around April and the championship game is held during carnival week. Registration is limited to extracurricular groups and circles, and the group I am participating in, Christian Medical Fellowship (CMF) made it to the finals.

It is now my fourth year participating here in school, and every year, it caused me such angst. As this will be my last year, I really wanted to get down to why I felt so anxious about competition.

One part seems to be that I am fearful of losing. I could pin it to some childhood trauma, but whatever it is, I don’t seem like seeing my true self. I cover myself up with fancy decorations, yet the inside is rather hollow. Perhaps I am fearful of being rejected, rejected once people see my real self.

Another part seems to be that I am craving for dominance. I want to stand high above than others, showing off how great I am.

I guess in some sense, both inherently contain my hunger for significance. After pondering about the matter for a while, everything simply boils down to my lack of love for God, and how my hunger will only be quenched through Jesus.

A short prayer, thereafter, however, I simply begin the cycle of angst and peace again and again. 

2 Peter 1: 5-7

Faith

Goodness

Knowledge

Self-control

Perseverance

Godliness

Mutual affection

Love

God's Change Happening

“The Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. And he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan. And he was with the wild animals, and the angels were ministering to him.” Mark 1:12-13

Unlike other Gospels (except John), Mark describes the temptations of Jesus in two sentences. No other details are told, but simply that Jesus was in the wilderness, that he was tempted by Satan, that he was with wild animals, and that angels ministered to him.

One notable aspect of such description, different from others, is that Jesus is portrayed as having dwelt with the wild animals. Ever since the Fall, mankind has been in struggle with wild animals. Harmonious relationship has been broken. Yet, here in this verse, Jesus is seen with them, free from harm.

Two different explanations can be made. The first is that God has allowed peace with the wild animals. What was once destructive is now again made safe, peaceful. The second explanation will be that God has provided protection from such beasts. Though perfect harmony has not been reached, God has extended his love to grant safety.

It will be near impossible to fully understand what exactly happened. However, the one important matter is that change happened. Whatever the main story behind, God has brought upon change in what was once. It can be taken as a sign of God’s movement towards salvation of mankind, of the cross and the resurrection. 

The Takebackers

A Christian rapper was once met with a pastor who said HipHop is evil. His response?

“Evil? God made this, pastor”

It is true that a lot of aspect of our culture seem to portray much of what God abhors. Sin has seeped through much of our lives and society. The media, most importantly, is filled with what God dislikes, yet pours into the minds of people, even Christians who acknowledge themselves as strong believers.

Now, a lot of what begins with God ends up corrupt. I guess it was a common theme since the beginning of time, Adam and Eve and their fall from Garden of Eden. Yet, God sent Jesus to take back what was lost.

Our culture as of now is filled with what seems to be controlled by the forces of the world, of the Devil. God, however, is the creator of everything. Shouldn’t we learn to take back what was once His?

The “Takebackers” is what should be on our minds. Take back what was once good, fill with the Spirit once more. I know it seems like a Hollywood blockbuster title, but hey, a little drama in the walk with God shouldn’t hurt too much? Maybe :P

Alone in the Mountains

“‘Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’ What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.” Ecclesiastes 1:1-4

Small group leaders get together on Tuesdays with the pastor to talk about leading the group. Usually the meeting consists of following a book rather blandly, but since the book was finished, the pastor decided to lead a small psychiatric exercise. It was a free drawing exercise. It, however, had three rules: First, circles were women and triangles were men; second you had to draw yourself first; third, you had to explain what you drew.

My drawing consisted of a small triangle in the bottom right corner and several mountaintops in the background. I had Elijah on my mind, the scene where God meets with him as a gentle whisper. I knew that I had been lonely for quite some time, but it was different to hear it from somebody else. The pastor began to point out some of his opinions on my drawing. Two notable comments were that I seemed lonely to the point where a slight poke could have me burst into tears, and that I seemed rather nihilistic, finding emptiness in life.

Perhaps it was from reading Ecclesiastes too much, or rather, not having fully understood just what the book was about. All I remember is the teacher crying out, “Meaningless! Meaningless!” Indeed, life came to me empty. Every joy was passing away, all good changed or even lost. I’m not to say that there is no good in the world, just that even all good passes. On the other side, however, I do acknowledge that even all the bad passes away as well. Nonetheless, an endless void seemed to reside in my soul.

Then, God found me. Jesus showed life and everlasting joy. He was to last for eternity. All that was about Him would be something that would last. Why had this emptiness resurfaced? Was it that I lost sight of God? Was it so that I began to lose what once held much meaning? I am not entirely sure, but all that Ecclesiastes ends with is that God will sit in judgment. I will be responsible for my actions. Consequences will be met. Now, would that be enough meaning to be found?

“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

Justice to Mercy

Justice? Who dares call upon justice?

Are you yourself pure and upright?

Are you so humble, no guilt within the soul?

As justice rolls down, will you be safe before judgement?

Seek within thine soul, search deep to find your sins.

Then after shall you speak up.

Then shall you shout upon the Lord.

But justice would not be your first word.

Mercy shall come forth.

Mercy is what can only be begged for. 

The “Already” of God

It is quite easy for those who have just begun to walk in the way of Christianity to consider God as a problem solver. Whether it is a simple matter of finding food for tomorrow to complexities scaling to national emergencies, we all seem to ask for something. Maybe it is from ages of shamanism deeply instilled within cultures, nonetheless, we ask for betterment of our shortcomings. Personally, I ask God to make me a humble man, yet, at the same time, ask that I become a talented man. I ask to be wise in my spending, yet, ask for the winning combination in the lottery.

With time, however, our prayers go rather unanswered. I have never won the lottery, and I honestly don’t think I ever will. Would this challenge the almighty power of the Lord? Does this threaten His loving kindness? Maybe, but I found it more so that my prayers were selfishness seeping out.

Jesus once said, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?...So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:25, 31-33)

It seems pretty clear that God will provide for all the needs of being human. He demands that we ask for something more, the kingdom come. I wish to be the one to obey and say that all I seek is to be in His presence all the days of my life, but reality clings on like a hook. There are still people, even believers, who do not find food for the day, clothes for tomorrow. I still lack the kindness of heart to spread to others, in hopes to show the difference of being a Christian.

Despite all schism between reality and what is written in the Bible, not much seems to shake up the daily routines of life. It was then when I realized that maybe God has already provided. Maybe the small allowance that I have saved was to put food for a neighbor of mine. Maybe the kindness of heart that is to be seen to others is there, but simply needs a brush-up. Maybe all the problems that we face each day already has answer that somehow got lost in the messy room of our minds.

It just seems that God has already shown me what is good. I just need to act upon it. 

Looking Back Now

"Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O God, you have spoken about the future of the house of your servant. You have looked on me as though I were the most exalted of men, O LORD God." 1 Chronicles 17:16b

Looking at where I am now, I’m actually glad that God has brought me here, far beyond where I would have been. A nobody in everyone’s sight, I feel like I am now standing among the spiritually strong, the promised ones, the chosen people, those who have devoted their lives to God, by the grace of God of course. Though I know I am nowhere near the ancestors of faith, I am overwhelmed by how He has me amongst His cherished ones. 

Tempest

Like a tempest, my heart tempers.
Tantrums in bantam fights,
my soul perishes into the nights.
David's harp is what keeps me sane.
Fain disdain, shackled together in chain,
My soul longs for God, it's all I got.
That glimmer of light deep within,
cover and shower me, clear the skies.
Thank you forever Jesus Christ

Whinings on Why I am Still Awake

Why am I still awake
in this god forsaken heap called work today?
Adam and Eve, forever condemned,
child bearing unbearing and tearing apart.
Seemingly unending curses beyonding our mind.
Watch and see, Jesus Christ, saving our asses.
As our souls, forever listening, glistening.
Yeah, kingdom come.

Singing to Joakim Karud - Love Mode
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz3lG2D6o2A