True Fasting

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter – when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” Isaiah 58:6-9

Recently, I have been talking to a lot of people with all different kinds of issues. I still remember a pastor saying that if I had no special prayer request, it could be a sign that God wants me to pray more for others. I feel like I have been in the stage a while, and so I have been trying to pray for my friends.

On specific incident, I had heard my friend talk about all kinds of complaints. He criticized all that was around him, and yet, I just kept feeling his loneliness burn inside of him. After the conversation, I simply thought, “Lord, please be a friend to him.” Yet, the words that came out were, “Lord, let me be a friend to him.”

All this time, I had wanted God to intervene in such heavenly ways, but as I struggle in my life, all I see is that He wants to work through us. All the miracles we see could very well be our stubborn hearts move to act upon God’s will.

As much as I would like God to touch his spirit, I ask also that I may be changed to fully walk in His ways.

Sparkles

A sparkler quickly rushes in a beam of light, gently illuminating the dark and the cold. It is short lived; a bag is soon emptied with but the remains of what once was.

It has been already a year since I started coming to Aeminwon. Though it was only for one hour, I spent time with kids to teach a bit of English. I honestly did not expect the kids to truly learn English. I simply wanted to spent quality time with them. As weeks went by, though, I grew tired of how little they seemed to care for the time together. They rarely did their homework, nor did they study for weekly vocabulary tests. I wondered if that was how all children were. I just did not seem appreciated much. 

I also thought about how poor their living conditions could have been. They are well fed and well clothed, but one teacher had to take care of nearly seven to eight kids at once. Telling kids to do their homework usually flies by quickly when its multiple kids to check on. Nonetheless, I grew tired and irritated that they did not listen to me at all. I would give long talks about how they needed to study, how they need to do a good job to survive out there, how they really needed to struggle. 

However, those words never really seemed to reach to the kids, because for three straight weeks, they did not study, not a single word. I had even bought Christmas gifts and toys to play together, but after learning how they did not bother, I just could not find it in me to play with them. 

Yet, the toys were bought, and with a certain resignation of mind, I took them outside to play with the sparklers. I knew I had bought the shorter ones, but they burned out a bit too quickly. The sparklers did emit quite a luminescence, for it grew completely dark soon after all had died down. After we were done, I told them for the last time to study and went home. 

While coming home, I was reminded of how my service was ending soon. I would not be able to come volunteer much anymore afterwards. I thought about what effect I might have had to the kids. Upon a bit of reminiscing, I was worried they would remember me as someone who nagged constantly. 

They were kids who just needed love. Would Jesus have acted in such a way towards the kids? Would not life have been enough stress as it was for them to have me yelling at them? I regretted on my decisions to simply let my emotions out towards them, rather than to swallow it all and have fun with them. 

I had been going on medical service trips to Ansan every month as well. As that was also coming to a close, it was comforting to see how a new doctor came. Everything fell soundly in place, as if God was telling me that I had done a good job. It was time for me to move on, and He will take care of the rest there. I am hoping He would do the same for me in Aeminwon. 

Hello again, Epaphroditus

"But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs...Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety." Philippians 2:25, 28

I had one of the most wonderful time today with my church friends. They had been my small group mates back in 2012. It had been more than 7 years since the group ended, but all of us kept in good touch. Three of the members got married, with one even expecting her second child soon. 

Although we have much fun, I always was less enthusiastic about getting together often. I really had not realized why until today. I saw that I had a deep fear of losing relationships. I was afraid that something could go wrong, and what once was so beautiful would turn sour and dissolve. 

Even reading such bit of Epaphroditus had me worried about his future back home. What if the great joy of seeing a friend again dissipates? What if such a good community of believers turn against each other? What if people change so much that there would not be any reason to get together? What if there was nothing to do when gathered?

Through my time today, I think it bliss to have realized that such worries should be the least of my concern. In Christ, all time spent together was bound to be joyful, endlessly. There would be no reason to worry about what to do, because praising God would be an eternal activity, full of blessings. 

Yes, all could change, all could depart, but I firmly believe that it would be best in the eyes of the LORD.  

Flying Yoga Experiences

For two months, the gym I had been going to decided to close for maintenance. I had spent most of my workout times there with simple weightlifting and swimming, but now I had to find someplace new. 

I thought about picking up jiu jitsu again, but the thought of getting hurt here and there didn't quite catch my motivation. I also thought about trying out pilates, but for some reason, the majority of trainers seemed rather unenthusiastic about giving me lessons. 

Whatever it was, I settled on trying out flying yoga. I had heard most of the students are women, but I had heard mixed reviews; plus, trying out new experiences always seemed fun. 

Honestly, the first few days, I thought I was paying for an exotic BDSM experience. Every time the hammock wrapped around me, I felt new pain I had never knew before. My body was awfully out of shape, especially in grabbing onto the hammock itself. 

I had gotten more used to it at this point, but something I realized was that my body figure was lacking in beauty. The other was that I was lacking much in balance. I was rather confident that I would be able to pick up yoga pretty quickly, but I had not done a good enough job of finding great balance. 

It was a short lived realization, but it was comforting to see again that there was still so much I could learn in life. There was and will always be much to learn, a great stimulation for humility and expectations. 

치카포카

한순간의 일탈의 느낌으로, 그 모든 것은 장난 같이 시작된 인연이었다. 하지만 그의 말투와 분위기, 대화의 반응들은 보니 장난 속에서도 느껴지는 착한 한 어린 아이의 모습이 굉장히 매력적이었다. 이야기하는 그 모든 것들이 어디까지 사실인지도 불확실했지만, 그래도 그 관계의 끈을 잡고 걸어나가보고 싶어졌다. 두려움은 있었지만 그 정도의 도전 없이 누군가를 알아갈 수 없다고 믿었기에, 바보 같아 보일지라도 대화를 이어나갔다.

 

잘생긴 그의 외모와 넉넉한 생활에 직접 말하진 않았어도 인기가 많았을 것 같았다. 그래서인지 나는 많이도 초라해보였다. 그럼에도, 그 수많은 사람들 가운데에서도 나와 시간을 보내주며 나를 알아 가준다는 것에 너무나도 기분이 좋았고 고마울 뿐이었다. 비록 내가 그의 인생에 가장 아름다운 여자가 아닐지라도, 무엇보다도 관계에 대해 끝없이 노력할 의자가 있었기에 그걸로 가장 좋은 여자가 맞을 거라고 믿었다.

 

하지만 그것도 한 순간이었다. 이를 닦는 중에 그에게서 전화가 왔다. 여느 때처럼 반갑게 전화를 받고서 인사를 했을 때 그는 그만하자는 말을 남기고 끊었다. 갑자기 무슨 말인지 물어보기도 전에 전화는 끊어져있었다. 다시 전화를 해도 수신음으로 바로 넘어갔고 나는 멍하니 거울만 쳐다보고 있었다. 그렇게 양치하는 그 짧은 순간에 그는 매정하게 이별을 고했다. 치약에 입술이 얼얼해질 즈음, 관계의 가벼움에 서러움을 넘어 헛웃음이 베어났다.

 

사실 지금도 전화를 받을 때, 좀처럼 다른 일을 이어하지 못한다. 잠시 그 모든 걸 내려놓고 들리는 목소리에 집중하는. 

Ezekiel Woes

"I will make your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth so that you will be silent and unable to rebuke them, for they are a rebellious people." Ezekiel 3:26

Despite my preconceived notions of God, I am always baffled by how vastly greater He is. "How could, why would God do such a?" would be the questions I have. Yet, He never ceases to amaze me. How wonderful would it be to have my thoughts stretch further and beyond, to love God evermore.