The Past Years

Though I pray that you may never experience what I had, but I have counted the seconds wash off time, see myself erased in the eyes of society, disappear. Yet, the hand of the LORD was upon me, and another hallelujah, I say. 

헨리 나우웬의 "이 잔을 들겠느냐"에서

"댈러스, 가장 중요한 질문을 했어요. 여기 계신 여러분 모두 새벽 공동체를 서로 사랑하고 보호해 주는 여러분의 집으로 만들고 싶어한다는 것을 잘 알고 있습니다. 여러분이 사랑하고 또 여러분을 사랑하는 사람들이 떠나는 이유가 뭐냐고요? 왜 자꾸 이별의 아픔을 겪어야 하느냐고요? 

어쩌면 여러분 중에는 사람들이 정말로 여러분을 사랑하는 것이 아니라고 생각하는 사람들도 있을겁니다. 정말로 사랑한다면 떠나지 말아야 하는 것이 아닌가 하고 생각할 수도 있지요.

그런데 여러분에게는 사명이 있습니다. 여러분과 함께 살았고 여러분에게 많은 것을 주었으며 또한 여러분에게서 많은 것을 받았던 자원봉사자들이 여러분 곁을 떠나는 것이라고 생각하지 마십시오. 오히려 여러분이 그들을 가정과 학교로 다시 되돌려 보내는 것이라고 생각하세요. 

여러분과 나누었던 사랑을 세상에 전하기 위해서 말이죠. 물론 어려운 일입니다. 그들을 떠나보내기가 얼마나 고통스러운지 나도 알아요. 하지만 그들을 돌려보내는 것이 여러분에게 주어진 사명이라는 것을 깨닫는다면 그분들이 인생 여정을 계속할 수 있도록 기꺼이 놓아줄 수 있게 될 겁니다. 그분들이 여러분에게 주었던 기쁨은 추억으로 간직하면서 말이죠." 

이 잔을 들겠느냐 - 헨리 나우웬

Life in Death

My parents left to visit my brother in Maine. On the day of their departure, I was to take a day off to give them a ride to the city airport terminal. They were to leave Friday morning, so I was back home by Thursday evening. I was attending a church meeting when I heard the news from a friend that a classmate from medical school had passed away. The news was completely out of the blue that I actually felt no emotion spring up. 

I had gotten to know him through the school church praise team. He was a bit younger than I was, studying to be a nurse. Thanks to his great personality, we got close pretty quickly, but the times I felt that I really connected with him was from seeing that both of us had deep outcries of the heart for some meaning and value in life. We both seemed to suffer from nihilistic thoughts while trying to understand Christianity.

In few hours news articles on his death were prevalent. It was not because he was a celebrity nurse, but because his death was odd. He was found dead in the bathroom stall of a shopping mall. He was reported to be holding a needle in one hand, but initial examination found little evidence of homicide nor suicide. 

I have my thoughts on what happened, but nothing will ever be completely known. I was just sorry that I had not kept in touch for the past few years. 

Nonetheless, I was fortunately enough to attend his funeral. Although the few funerals I had attending were most of my friends who had experienced losses, this was the time I attending a funeral in honor of a friend. It was surreal to be talking to the parents, but I could tell they received much comfort from all those that had attended.

After paying my condolences, I had a chance to talk to old classmates of mine. Amidst the sadness, we all shared good moments in the name of the friend. Though it was still so absurd life dissipated so haplessly, there were moments of significance within the absurdity. 

The fact that there was an end of all of this made all moments ever so valuable.  

I never knew what people did to enjoy life, but I felt like I was beginning to understand the beauty of human interaction. As much as that sounds sociopathic, I simply hoped that my friend got to know that as well. I will be praying that his soul rests peacefully within the arms of God and that his family finds comfort knowing that. 

Though from apart, in distant planes, sharing time and place, a moment was ever so beautiful, and I am glad to have found out about it. Amidst death, I saw human frailty. Amidst the weakness, I found the love of Christ. 

Rest in peace.

죽음 속 생명

전혀 다른 공간에서 다른 모습으로 살아왔지만
한 공간에서 그 순간을 공유한다는 것이
참으로 놀랍고도 기쁜 기적이었다. 
죽음 가운데서 인간의 연약함을 발견했고,
그 연약함 가운데서 하나님의 사랑을 보았다.
조금은 늦었지만 이제라도 알게 된 것에
무한한 감사함으로 나아가게 된다. 

Outcry

"What is mankind that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention, that you examine them every morning and test them every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant? If I have sinned, what have I done to you, you who see everything we do? Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you? Why do you not pardon my offenses and forgive me sins? For I will soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I will be no more." Job 7:17-21

The outcry of Job rings in my ears, as if my soul cries out the same anguish towards the LORD. How many nights have I suffered inside my head, alone to my thoughts. How many days have I spent feeling alone, feeling no presence of God. How many times have I felt God grinding over me as if I had been something. What am I that you make so much of me?

The answer I know, but the voice of Him is what I wish to hear.