Quote from "Death at a Funeral"

"He may not have been a perfect man, but he was a good man, and he loved us. All I wanted to do today was to give him a dignified send-off. Is that really so much to ask? So, maybe, maybe he had some things he liked to do. Life isn't simple, it's complicated. We're all just thrown in here together, in a world full of chaos and confusion, a world full of questions and no answers, death always lingering around the corner, and we do our best. We can only do our best, and my dad did his best. He always tried to tell me that you have to go for what you want in life because you never know how long you're going to be here. And whether you succeed or you fail, the most important thing is to have tried. And apparently no one will guide you in the right direction, in the end you have to learn for yourself. You have to grow up yourself. So when you all leave here today, I would like you to remember my father for who he really was: a decent, loving man. If only we could be as giving and generous and as understanding as my father was. Then the world would be a far better place."

Death at at Funeral (2007)

Looking Back, Looking Forward

“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” ‭ Ezekiel‬ 36:26‬

Something miraculous. Something beyond me. Something that cannot be explained. 

I do not remember what I had been searching for so desperately. The burning passion of younger days definitely seem to have passed. I keep wondering what had me so yearning for God. 

Now, I take a look at myself and see an angry, frustrated, disappointed little boy, completely lost in this confusing world, unwilling to move an inch. 

Yet, I remain hopeful, Perhaps this will all change. Perhaps I will find what I was looking for. Perhaps I will be found yet again. Perhaps this beaten heart, now so quick to be in arms, will be tenderly comforted. Perhaps I will yet again take up his calling. 

"He said to them, 'Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.'" Mark 16:15-18

Treadmill Thoughts

Every morning, I head downstairs to get some exercise in before work starts. In front of the running machine, an old electronic clock ticks away. It is one of those unnecessarily fancy kind where it shows the date as well as the lunar date. 

Running on the treadmill, I blankly stared at the clock, which lit up four numbers, 2-0-1-7. It has been 17 years more than a two thousand. Two thousand years. Human history actually has been more than that. The year 2017 is 2017 A.D. which states Anno Domini, not "After Death," unlike popular belief. It is still the turning point from B.C., which is "Before Christ." 

It was fascinating to dwell on that point, especially because I was indoors with the heat on from the air conditioner installed on the ceiling while running on a treadmill, listening to a sermon on my cellphone which I held, wearing fancy sportswear. Humanity has come a long way. Here I was barely 30 years old, thinking about life and regrets while human history extended well beyond, while God existed throughout time. 

I felt a lot smaller, yet more comfortable knowing that a lot has been and a lot will be. 

It is also interesting how there are many people who do not believe in Jesus Christ, yet follow some cultural aspects stemmed from it.

Lockdown Protocol

Lockdown protocol, haul the iron heart

Keys nowhere found, no one searching

Warmed at times, cold another

Patches of flesh are no longer

This nimble heart, this weakened mind

Emotionless, ready for war, though always motionless

And the random song lets out a verse

"I don't love you, good bye."

Never to be found, ever to be missed

Alone again, regrets remain

Nothing's changed, yet I still stand

Perhaps a day I will say, "I missed you, hello"

말꼬리 (Feat. 정준일 Of Mate) - 윤종신

비는 오고 너는 가려 하고 내 마음 눅눅하게 잠기고

낡은 흑백영화 한 장면처럼 내 말은 자꾸 끊기고

사랑한 만큼 힘들었다고 사랑하기에 날 보낸다고

말도 안 되는 그 이별 핑계에 나의 대답을 원하니

너만큼 사랑하지 않았었나봐 

나는 좀 덜 사랑해서 널 못 보내 

가슴이 너무 좁아 떠나간 너의 행복 빌어줄

그런 드라마 같은 그런 속 깊은 사랑 내겐 없으니

사랑하면 내게 머물러줘 사랑하면 이별은 없는거야

말꼬리 (Feat. 정준일 Of Mate) - 윤종신

Friendships and Relationships

"So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, 'May the Lord call David’s enemies to account.' And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself." 1 Samuel 20:16-17

"Now the Philistines fought against Israel; the Israelites fled before them, and many fell dead on Mount Gilboa. The Philistines were in hot pursuit of Saul and his sons, and they killed his sons Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua." 1 Samuel 31:1-2

The love between David and Jonathan is a famous one. It is one of the classic examples of friendship mentioned in the Bible. David would take a sword for Jonathan, Jonathan, the same. Even after Jonathan's death, David searches out Mephibosheth, Jonathan's son, to take care of him out of love. Their friendship seems to last even past death.

My question lies, however, in the relationships that do not end in a death. What happens when a friendship is suddenly called to an end? An anonymous saying online says, "The hardest decision in life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder." All relationship seems to be on similar paths. 

"Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, 'Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.' Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches." Acts 15:36-41

Even in the case of Paul and Barnabas, they end up parting ways. I am not sure how much interaction they must have had after they went separate ways, but perhaps they always had each other in prayer. 

I guess this question is on my mind because for the last couple of years, I have had many of my friendships and relationships completely ruined. I find it difficult to find the heart to talk to them, let alone pray for them. I have no idea what the others are thinking, but guessing from their lack of conversation, I assume I am nowhere in their minds. 

Should I desperately cling on and engage in constant conversation to salvage the friendships? Or should I simply let go and pray for God to lead each other in peace? 

Everyone seems to get along so easily, start dating and get married. Am I the sensitive one? Or are my friends the ignorant ones? Am I picky in finding relationships? Or is love still far away from me? 

Birthday Wishes for my Dad

I don't think I ever say enough of it, but Dad, I love you. It's hard to see how you are already growing old, while I still haven't yet so. I can tell the fierceness dying down while you grow sensitive by the minute. 

I was never so good at being nice, I doubt I ever will, but perhaps before it's too late, I'll get to hold you in my arms, hold me in your arms. 

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you. 

Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

Sonnet 18 by William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.