Kept Burning

"'Command the Israelites to bring you clear oil of pressed olives for the light so that the lamps may be kept burning. In the tent of meeting,outside the curtain that shields the ark of the covenant law, Aaron and his sons are to keep the lamps burning before the Lord from evening till morning. This is to be a lasting ordinance among the Israelites for the generations to come." Exodus 27:20-21

Last night, I thought I had heard faint sirens blaring. It was odd at the time because nothing ever happens here in the country yard. I did not even bother lifting the blinds to check outside. I was tired and I wanted to sleep.

A patient came by earlier this morning. She need more hypertension medication, but her blood pressure was higher than usual. She said she was awake all throughout the night. It was common for old ladies to lose sleep here and there, so I casually asked why she did not sleep. 

She said there had been a fire last night. It wasn't her house, but a neighbor's. The children made it out alive, but the husband died with the fire as he ran in to save his wife as well. The husband turned out to be the son of an old lady that provided lunch for the workers here. 

The fire must have kept burning for a while. It was no fire upon a lampstand, but a wild one. 

I know this is a stretch, perhaps even rude to those in tragedies, but I felt a sense of responsibility. I had not kept my lampstand burning before the Lord. I had not prayed for this neighborhood. I just wanted to get away as much as possible. Yet, there were people here that needed God. 

I pray that the souls that parted ways were found by God. I pray that those in mourning are comforted by God. 

Egyptians Negotiations

"Afterward Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, 'This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: "Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the wilderness."'" Exodus 5:1

"Pharaoh said, 'The Lord be with you—if I let you go, along with your women and children! Clearly you are bent on evil. No! Have only the men go and worship the Lord, since that’s what you have been asking for.' Then Moses and Aaron were driven out of Pharaoh’s presence." Exodus 10:10-11

"Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and said, 'Go, worship the Lord. Even your women and children may go with you; only leave your flocks and herds behind.'" Exodus 10:24

"During the night Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, 'Up! Leave my people, you and the Israelites! Go, worship the Lord as you have requested. Take your flocks and herds, as you have said, and go. And also bless me.'” Exodus 12:31-32

Moses was sent to Egypt with a mission from God. He was to free the Israelites from their bondage to Pharaoh. He was to lead the people out to worship God and move on from Egyptian territory. However, the mission was not an easy task.

Though I recommend reading the entirety of the book of Exodus, in short, Moses visits the Pharaoh multiple times, each bringing caution of a disaster to come. With each visit, the Pharaoh refuses yet begs for the end to the plagues at hand. 

A short reflection I had upon reading the verses was that God was relentless and unyielding. Pharaoh opens words of debate, of negotiations. He recommends only the men to go worship. Soon, he allows for all the people. At last, he allows complete exodus of the Israelites. 

It is often for me to make compromises, even with the words of God: perhaps this is okay, just a little bit, only for today, this is just being picky. Theses are all words of sin creeping at my footsteps. In retrospect, I guess it would have been easier for Moses to wait until Pharaoh allowed for all of Israelites and their possessions to leave Egypt, for they were going to leave forever, but it reminded me that God wants us to be perfect, for He is perfect. 

Waiting in Psalms

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" 

Psalm 27: 13-14

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, 

your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,

when they carry out their wicked schemes." 

Psalm 37:3-7

I wanted to share some verses on waiting before the Lord. There are many more, but these are the ones that came to heart recently. Though the journey is difficult, though I forget too often, pray for me that I will wait patiently before God in unwavering belief of his goodness to come. 

Writing While Waiting

It's been a while since I wrote rhymes
Seemed pointless to talk about my crimes
I've been laying low, going slow,
since the Lord told me to wait until I glow
Ye, temptations lead to frustrations.
Frustration to anger and disrespect
But I am humbled again and always
In all the ways, even in retrospect.
Patience is indeed a virtue
so I desperately search you.

Everyone is a Witness

"So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt." Genesis 37:28

Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. 'No,' he said,' I will continue to mourn until I join my son in the grave. So his father wept for him.'" Genesis 37:34-35

It is always interesting to come back to read passages, for the mind tries to fill in some gaps unmentioned within the Bible each time through. This passage was another one of the sorts.

Joseph has been sold as a slave to a place far away. Now he had ten older brothers. The Bible does not specifically say that all the brothers were present at the scene of the crime, but nevertheless, it seems safe to assume there were more than one brother present. With the selling as a slave covered as a death to their father, it seems almost stunning how none of them told the truth of Joseph. Not one brother came out to Israel and say that Joseph was sold as a slave. Think about how many years that must have been, a lump in their conscience. Or would they have forgotten their wrongdoings with time?

Consolation Ladders

Hey, I just wanted to say
that I am doing well,
so don't worry about me.

Perhaps we'll meet, perhaps not.
Despite all, I will pray.
Hopefully in Heaven, we'll end.

Better to Come

I recently started reading a book called, Hold On: The Rewards of Waiting for God's Timing by Debby Akerman. I found it among the bookshelves at home. It was a translated book, and the title in Korean was roughly translated closer to "waiting". I guess I was drawn to the book as I was more or less waiting for something to happen in my life. I was waiting for my military service to end. I was waiting to start my residency. I was waiting to find the love of my life. I was waiting for God's divine intervention. I was waiting to become the next doctor of the year.

I guess God had good reasons for me to have noticed the book for I often found comfort in reading it. More and more, I felt God was telling me to learn how to be patient: stories of Abraham waiting for his son Isaac, Joseph, for his way out of prison, Simeon, for the coming king, apostles, for the Spirit. The list can go on.

Even just this Sunday, the sermon was also on the topic of waiting.

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24-25

The verse calls us to wait patiently. I often read the verse as it is, and waited hopefully for my circumstances to change, for my prayers to be answered. I still am holding onto this verse as the promise to my problems being solved, but there is a word that I had overlooked. The verse calls us to wait for "it." Looking at the verse in context, "it" refers to "our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies." The verse is talking specifically about salvation. It seems to surpass currently problems and issues. It seems to push this world far back in priority and highlights what is more important, the spirit over the body. 

On a more personal note, this verse came closer to heart for I was caught up in a bit of emotions this morning. I recently heard that an old friend of mine was expecting a child soon. She had been married for more than a year now, and she seemed so happy in all her life matters. It was not that I was sad to have let her go way back then, but I was sad that I still feel like I was floating around, wandering among people to people, living life a step slower than others. I was getting tired of still being alone, thinking about what could have been. I was getting frightened whether I could actually keep a relationship going. I was getting unhappy about my life. 

In my mind, I know the answer. I know that I am to be thankful for all the blessings. I know that I am to look beyond this world and find comfort in what is to come, but knowing and living has such a big gap. On a brighter note, the promise of better to come still leaves a lingering smile. 

Verse of 2018

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Though a little late, I wanted to keep this verse to my heart for the year of 2018. 

No worries, just God. 

Love, Love, Love

"He knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams."

That long quote belongs to the movie Spiderman 2. It is from a scene where Peter Parker, who has lost his powers, is talking to his aunt, May. Though a strange place, I found a glimpse of Christianity buried deep in the conversation. 

Christians are called to be courageous and self-sacrificial. They are called to set examples, be heroes. Though they may not be in the limelight, often ridiculed, they are the ones that keep others honest, noble and dignified. 

I grew tired of living as a Christian. All the wonders seemed so vague and hazy. The harvest seemed minimal to none. The love that I thought I had spread came back as arrows and thorns. I simply did not want to get caught up in the human drama again, but God seems to be constantly calling out to love. 

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:43-47

I probably don't have anyone to call an enemy. I am not persecuted nor attacked. Yet I find it very difficult to love. 

Love, love, love. The words seem so easy hearing it from the Beatles. It seems so heavy from the Bible. 

한강이 보이는 밤 하늘

달빛이 아름답게 비추이는 밤이었다. 집에선 밤 하늘이 꽤나 잘 보인다. 서울의 야경이 한강의 물결들과 조화를 이루면서 지금까지 열심히 달려온 그 여정에 대한 보상을 꽤나 해주는 편이다. 

남들이 부러워하는 직장에 새로 지은 아파트, 이름이 있는 외제차 그리고 삶의 여유. 그렇다고 자랑은 하지 않는다. 내가 이루었다고 할 수 없을 만큼 많은 도움을 받으며 살아왔기 때문이다. 열심히 살아야 한다는 그 마음조차도 어릴 때 받은 교육의 덕택이라 생각한다. 

내겐 어릴 때부터 가지고 있던 꿈이 있었다. 다빈치와 같은 발명가가 되겠다거나 아인슈타인과 같은 과학자가 되겠다는 그런 장래희망보다는 멋진 아파트와 가족이 다 탈 수 있을 큰 차, 귀여움 넘치는 강아지, 깊은 신앙 그리고 무엇보다도 사랑이 가득한 남편이 되는 것이었다. 
그때는 무엇 때문이었는지 모르겠지만 너와 함께하면 안 되는 것만 같았다. 내 앞에 할 일들이 놓여 있었고 연애는 때가 아니라는 생각만 들었다. '시네마 천국'처럼, '라라랜드'처럼, 혹은 '사랑과 야망'의 한 편 같은 그런 드라마틱한 일은 전혀 없었다. 그냥 나는 내가 가던 길을 계속 갔고 너도 잠시 머물다 너의 길로 걸어갔다. 

물론 그 후에도 적지 않은 인연들이 있었다. 하지만 너에 대한 생각이 가장 마음 깊은 곳까지 뿌리내렸다. 어디서 무얼 하며 지내는지는 뻔히 알고 있다. 슬픈 것은 너의 마음도 어디에 있는지, 아니 정확히 말하자면 나에게로 향해있지 않다는 것을 뻔히 알고 있다는 것이다. 

이제는 모든 것을 갖추었는데, 너는 그냥 들어와주기만, 마음을 열어 나와 함께 해주기만 하면 되는데, 결국 이것은 네가 원했던 것이 아님을 알고 있다. 그래서인지 지금 내가 가지고 있는 이 모든 것, 이 안락한 집이 오히려 씁쓸함을 상기시켜준다. 가진 것이 아무것도 없을 때부터 그저 함께 하는 것만을 원했던 너였다는 것을 이제는 알게 되었지만 늦은 게 아닐까 하면서도 아직 결혼 하지 않은 너이기에 괜한 미련을 붙잡고 살아가는 것 같다. 

달이 너무 밝게 비추어 별들이 보이지 않는 그런 밤이었다. 

10 Years!

Just a little celebration for myself. It has officially been 10 years since I decided to stop drinking alcohol. It's not that I was an alcoholic before, nor has anything occurred for me to have decided upon it. It was more so a combination of my lack of tolerance for it (I usually get drunk with a can of beer, fall asleep with two), a generally disinterest in it and a hint of reasons from Christianity. Along with that, I have witnessed many tragedies stemming from alcohol, which added to reasons for non-alcoholism. Honestly, it was the adding of days that kept me going on. As more years added by, I did not want to break the streak. 

In any case, cheers to me :P