Collab: ReClaim, Part 9

[ReClaim]
Gimme a topic so I can drop it.
It's been too long since I rhymed it, like i almost forgot it.
But you know, to me, rhymings like bicycle riding;
Once innate, once gained, never lose it.
Even without your given topic, I already killed it.

[GrasDeo]
I say, the name of the game is to put you to shame
'cuz the topic's the same, you were just so lame
But I admire your effort, twinkling star of a mind
one of a kind, else no where to find
True brother, aight, respect, I got your behind

Desperate for You

The year is coming to an end as only a month of clinical rotations are left. I am in my last week of psychiatry, and I am pretty glad that I will not be learning any more psychiatry. It was a lot of mental stress, but I did get to learn a lot about myself. 

One neat activity that I participated in was taking the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test. It is a standardized psychometric test of adult personality and psychopathology. In short, it will show you if you have any mental issues. 

Normally, the average value per category is around 30 to 70. Within that range, most people would live quite comfortably among society. One of the categories I wanted to mention was the Depression category. A higher score would mean that the patient would be showing depressive symptoms. A lower score would mean that the person is rather energetic and bright, almost flamboyant. 

I scored a 30 on that scale, and though rather low, I do not show signs of severe discord within society. However, the test instructor did mention that a patient who shows a lower score on the Depression scale is either flashy, or actually masking their depressive mood. 

I often tell myself to smile. I often try to shake off any negative attitude during the day. I often repeat 1 Thessalonians 5:16, "rejoice always" as is the will of God, but deep down inside, I know that I am waiting for the coming of Jesus, for his soothing consolation. I am desperate indeed. 

Harvest

"Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'" Matthew 9:37-38

I've been holding onto this message for weeks. There truly is much harvest. Golden fields lie endlessly in front of us. Yet, there is too few of good men to work the harvest. Everyone seems too busy living in city walls. No one seems to care for the fundamental source of life, a soul's work. 

I pray today that I be a good harvest man myself, and also pray that He send us laborers into his field. 

Life or Death

"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live" Deuteronomy 30:19 

In assuming the validity of the Bible, we are guided to believe that God is sovereign and that we are His creation. We have been cursed with the problem of sin and have been sentenced to death. Although what has been thought to be a closed case, we are here faced with a choice. We realize that God has given us power to choose between life and death of our own lives. A second chance has been granted, and yet, very few realize of this choice. 

So why not choose life? Most of us do not know what choosing life means. Those who do, find it very difficult to maintain the choice made. Yet, the text is clear in its meaning. It is either life or death. 

Choose Jesus. Choose him to guide you to life everlasting. Choose him to lead you to true blessing. 

의사의 한 가지

언젠간 후배 의대생들에게 말 한마디를 전해줄 기회가 생긴다면 딱 한가지를 이야기하고 싶습니다. 

의대생은 약 6년간 학교를 다니게 됩니다. 그 안에서 유급하고 휴학하며 조금 더 오래 다닐 분들도 계시지만 일단은 적어도 6년은 한 곳에서 공부를 하게 됩니다. 수능이라는 전쟁을 치르고 공부는 너무나도 질려있는 상태에서 다시 더 공부를 하자니 힘들다는 것도 어느 정도 이해합니다. 특히나 이곳에서 내가 무얼하며 살고 있는 지 잘 모르시는 분들이 대부분이실 걸 압니다. 그래서 일단 장차 다가 올 것들에 있어서 말씀 드리겠습니다. 

의사가 되면 달라지는 것들이 있습니다. 먼저 크게는 다른 사람들의 시선입니다. 지금은 그냥 학생이지만 의사가 되면 사람들의 존경심을 받습니다. 질투도 어느 정도 받을 수 있지만 대부분 함부로 무시하지는 않습니다. 그렇지만 그에 합당한 의사로서의 자질을 기대하게 됩니다. 사람의 건강을 온전히 돌봐줄 수 있는 실력을 요구하게 됩니다. 

그런 실력은 학교에서 시키는 공부를 따라가기만 하면 어느 정도 얻어지는 것입니다. 강의 시간에 조금 더 힘내서 집중하고 시험 기간에 놀고 싶은 마음을 잠시 접어두고 실습시간에는 열정으로 환자분들을 만나보며 국시를 위해 천천히 준비한다면 의대는 무사히 졸업할 것입니다. 

그래서 의대는 버티기만 하면 되는 곳입니다. 그 이후에 실력있는 의사가 되기 위해 전문의 과정도 밟는 다면 그만큼 더 전문적인 실력이 있는 의사가 되실 수 있을 겁니다. 하지만 그것이 전부는 아닙니다. 왜냐하면 사람들이 의사에게 바라는 것이 한가지 더 있기 때문입니다. 

인간은 지금까지 모두 공통되는 것이 있습니다. 바로 죽음입니다. 몇 종교에서 믿는 사례들을 제외하곤 인간은 모두 죽었습니다. 그래서 사실 의사는 사람을 살린다기 보단 생명을 조금 연장시켜주는 것 뿐입니다. 그렇기 때문에 환자분들은 스스로 알게 모르게 건강 이상의 것들까지 의사들에게 바랍니다. 바로 공감입니다. 공감을 넘어선 관심, 궁극적으로는 사랑을 원하고 있습니다. 죽음 앞에 무력한 인간으로서 이 세상에서 조금이나마 아름다운 삶을 살았고 서로에게 기쁨이 되었다는 확인을 받고 싶어합니다. 

이러한 마음은 분명 학교에서 가르치지 않습니다. 바로 이러한 부분들이 여러분이 스스로 노력해야하는 부분입니다. 사람을 배우시길 바랍니다. 그렇게 지겹게 느끼는 인문학 수업도 귀를 기울여 보고, 여행을 다니며 사람들의 살아감을 배우며, 가족들과 친구들의 행동을 관찰해 보기도 하며 연애를 하고 봉사도 하며 악기나 운동도 즐겨하는 삶을 사시길 바랍니다. 무엇보다도 나보다 타인을 더 생각하며 살아가는 연습을 하시길 바랍니다. 

타인을 위한 삶. 그것이 의사로서 가장 필요한 한가지라고 생각합니다. 감사합니다. 

On Righteousness

"If a man is righteous and does what is just and right— if he does not eat upon the mountains or lift up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, does not defile his neighbor's wife or approach a woman in her time of menstrual impurity, does not oppress anyone, but restores to the debtor his pledge, commits no robbery, gives his bread to the hungry and covers the naked with a garment, does not lend at interest or take any profit, withholds his hand from injustice, executes true justice between man and man, walks in my statutes, and keeps my rules by acting faithfully—he is righteous; he shall surely live, declares the Lord God." Ezekiel 18:5-9 

I wish I could find words to comment on the Words, but reading it as it is, meditating on it, and truly following the words is all that can be done, all that needs to be done. 

Lust into Love

"The integrity of sex, the challenge of lust and the future of love" 
- Love and Lust by Tim Keller, sermon on Matthew 5:27-30, May 6, 2012

Psych Ward Days

One of the perks of being a medical student is that a lot is learned about the human body. A lot of preconceived notions of people were broken, and I quickly learned that a majority of what happens around us is uncontrollable. It's hard to say I learned all this philosophical jargon in class, but the experience here certainly allowed me to mature just a little bit more, especially the ones from the psychiatric ward. 

I started rotations in the psych ward beginning of this week. I was pretty nervous because of all the rumors surrounding the place. Thankfully, most the patients were well managed and treated by the standing doctors. 

In the back of my head, I thought that mental illnesses were mostly from the lack of discipline and a weak willpower, but I soon saw that I was grossly mistaken. Broken families and related environmental issues played a major role in the formation of a mental illness, not to mention simple imbalances in hormones as well. 

Perhaps it was from my own shortcomings that I had thought too harsh of mental patients. I still have trouble accepting the flawed state of man. The imperfection bothers me very much. From such frustration, I grew to be anxious, which stemmed into an obsessive-compulsive personality. I also had relationship issues where I would keep a safe distance with people in order to control how others see me, a defense mechanism of sorts to help me deal with an inner issue. 

I was no different from the people in the hospital. The only difference may be that I haven't been triggered yet. The prayer that I pray would be that I would never be triggered here in this life. 

Desperate

Desperate, with no one to commiserate.
The source of life was within my grasp,
or so I thought, rather, caught in an endless loop.
The harder I run, the further it becomes.
Gasp, panting and thirsting,
Sprawled on the ground, I fall down to look up,
and the sky collapses on me, oh why let it be me?
Stars fall and trees grow, sheltering me like a wall.
A call, the serene silence broken tall
by a voice, peaceful, gentle and forceful
Graceful am I. He was with me all along.
You are where I belong, Jesus Christ, my all. 

Yirah

When was your deepest moment of fear?
Was it when you were in front of a crowd?
Or was it when you failed that exam?
Was it when the airplane was in turbulence?
Or was it when the car flipped over throwing you in chaos?
Was it when you saw the mountains tremble?
Or was it when you felt the presence of God?

Yirah, it is the Hebrew word for fear, for awe, the beginning of wisdom.

The Issue of Zacchaeus

For several weeks now, the sermon was on Luke 19:1-10, specifically on the story of Zacchaeus. There is a link above if you are unfamiliar with the story. Most would know it as the guy who climbed a tree to see Jesus. 

The pastor's question began with this: what was special about Zacchaeus? Was Zacchaeus special in the sight of God that he was chosen by Jesus for salvation? Or was he simply chosen as a representative of all the lost souls? 

If Zacchaeus had indeed done something to have been be uniquely chosen, it would no longer be complete grace. An act of man bringing salvation would completely overthrow the message of the Bible, in which says that salvation is solely by the grace of God.
Was, then, Zacchaeus only a representative among all? There certainly was something different, as Jesus crossed the crowd and called him by name.

The short answer to this question was that Zacchaeus responded. He was in position to respond. 

There is a correlation to this story which is found in Luke 17:11-19. It is the story of ten lepers being healed by Jesus. Ten lepers are healed, but only one comes back to Jesus. 

It is the issue of the current state of the heart. What problems and burdens are carried by individuals? For Zacchaeus, he was branded a sinner even by the people. He had been struggling with the issue of sin, and has found the answer in Jesus. He responds and is overjoyed. The first grace that was given to Zacchaeus was not Jesus seeking him out and coming to his home, but rather his life circumstances that allowed him to realize that he was a sinner. 

How does this relate to our lives? Personally, I no longer struggle with the issue of sin. I am not desperate for God. The problem that which was solved by the cross is no longer the center of my heart. I fail to respond. I fool myself constantly in that I am living according to God. Perhaps it is due my life without agony. The problem with pain is that it is needed. Yet again, the answer it the cross, and the cross shall it be as the home of my heart.