Night Stars

 Where did they all go? All the little stars that shined bright for attention. The dreams that they carried, all the bright futures that could be. One by one, faded into the night sky. All that is left is but a tiny glimmering star, waiting to shine its last light before becoming one with the darkness, at home, at rest.

Player 1754362

"The game is not yet over for this player!"

Just a simple phrase I heard from an announcer. She talked about how she just thought it was the game people were watching, but soon she found out there were people who turned on the game just to hear her speak. One depressed listener shared a story about how he found strength from what she said, as if she was speaking to him. It's not over yet, it's not over yet. The game is not over for this player, for this man.

Times like these, I really feel there is power in words, in speech.

The Aftermaths

What is beyond, happily ever after?
What happens in the everyday life of the protagonists?
Those that found love, those that conquered evil. Those that achieved?
Jesus has conquered death, saved us from our sins.
We wait upon his arrival to become a part of the happily ever after.
But what about the now? The in-between.
The war was won, but battles still arise.
Tragedy still strikes, hardships linger.
What does tomorrow hold?
What are we to hold onto?

Write After 40

I was told as I grow older, all that I had written may seem shallow and simply wrong.
I sincerely do hope that I grow each day, and really do learn more about life.

보내지 않을 편지

자꾸 찌질하게 연락해서 미안해. 잊을 법하면 멍청하게도 네 생각이 나서, 가뜩이나 부족한 수면 시간을 그렇게 깎아 먹고 있네. 이전과는 다르게 현실이 너무 각박해져서일까, 괜한 호기심일까. 마지막으로 순수하게 누군가를 좋아했던 게 너이기에, 함께했던 그 순간들이 나에겐 행복했던 시간들이기에, 나를 좋아해 주는 네가 고맙기에, 나 역시도 너를 많이 좋아했지만 제대로 마음을 이어가지 못해서 더 미련이 남는 것 같네.

좋은 사람 만나고 있으리라 믿어. 연락을 하지 않는 게 예의겠지만, 그럼에도 너의 안부를 묻는 건 이번에는 내가 정말로 큰마음을 먹어서야. 네가 그 어느 누구를 만나고 있다 해도 나는 너를 좋아하고 있고, 기다리고 싶고, 너와 함께 평생을 이어가고 싶어.

어젯밤 꿈에서는 네가 답장을 보내왔어. 비록 청첩장이었지만. 꿈은 그저 꿈이길 바라며 기다리고 있을게.

Sermon Notes #51432634

Blurb from a sermon.

When you are humbled, do you actually get humility?
Catastrophe leading to clarity.
Discipline to discerment.
Life always brings to further down even after you hit rock hottom.
Yet, repentence shall bring sanity.

Miracles are not extraordinary happenings, but rather a man repenting and God forgiving.

Magical Hospital Life

It's strange to work in an hospital. You know, in a room there's a father holding his son for the first time, in another room there's a son holding his father for the last time.

And then in another room there's a guy with a remote stuck in the anus. It's the circle of life. 

- Anonymous internet post

It's been months since I started working in the hospital. It has been amazingly boring most of the times, because the Korean medical system has a mandatory internship period of one year, in which the interns act on menial doctor jobs around different specialties departments and learn about the hospital system. 

I'm not to say that I did not learn anything. I am learning very much about how a modern hospital operates, and how doctors are to see patients in such conditions. However, it is rather boring. It might get very much exciting as I head into residency, but I still have no clue what God wants from me. 

One thing nice about being busy is that I do not have much time to think or worry about anything in life. 

In any case, the hospital is indeed a magical place. It is a weird place indeed. I'm still trying to find how I would fit in. 

Immanuel

God with me.
God with you.
God with us.

Sunday Blues

Them Sunday blues caught a hold on me
The sun slowly falling down, taking my heart along
Upcoming woes never seem sweet
All I feel is emptiness and loneliness
Where to O God, where to?
Jesus rose, but I still feel the same
You are victorious, but I feel ever defeated
With a night's sleep I surely will forget
but I know again, it'll catch me once more
Them Sunday blues, never seem to let go

Dreaming Children

"When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, 'What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?' His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind." Genesis 37:10-11

I have begun my rotations in pediatrics now. The first week was a bit of a hassle, but I have adjusted well quite quickly. As it is a big hospital, there are several specialties to pediatrics. I have been assigned to pediatric neurology, and have met with lots of patients with seizure and epilepsy history.

The general mood of the ward was a bit gloomy from the start. Most the patients have admission days that last quite a while, some reaching to hundreds. As that is, legal guardians, mostly the parents are quite sensitive towards any acting of doctors.

As much as it is frustrating for me to do anything, I do see where they are coming from. Epileptic illnesses are rarely curable. It is more so disease that are meant to be controlled. Kids are on antiepileptic drugs throughout their lives, and have to go in and out of the hospital if the medication starts to fail.

If seizures are not well controlled, they often go through brain surgeries, which leave them quite incapable. Some just seem living, rarely alive.

The sermon today was on Genesis 37. The series on Genesis has now reached the story of Joseph. Often times when we hear about Joseph and his dreams, we think about how arrogant he was on boasting about his dream. The pastor, however, talked about how the family could have done better. Instead of scolding him, perhaps they should have listened to him and encouraged his dreams.

Instead of taking offense, what if they family had told Joseph the virtues of a leader? Perhaps that of a great man?

The sermon connected with the patients I saw everyday at the ward. What dreams would these children ever have?

I did dread working at the ward lately, but I felt like some decent prayer was quite necessary. I wanted to pray so that these children could really dream again, perhaps be completely rid of their illnesses and run around with their fellow classmates. I wanted them to have strong desires to become somebody and work hard to achieve. I wanted them to truly enjoy the world God had built for us, and to truly learn of his love.

If even one child became healthy, everyone would exclaim the presence of a miracle, but I would know it was an act of God's mercy. I really want that intimacy with Him. If it is not too much to ask, could everyone pray with me? Thanks always. 

Fading Life

It's been nearly two weeks since I started my internship at a hospital. Honestly, I was quite ready to quit after the first day of being on call. Thankfully, I got adjusted quite well. I heard my part of the hospital is one of the easier parts. Nonetheless, I have been working in the Oncology department, mostly working on fever and pain control. 

Since the hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals, a lot of terminally ill patients arrive. Over a day, a handful of patients pass away. Yet, the hospital keeps running, everyone busy with work. Only the family members and relatives are left behind.

One of my jobs is to remove catheters and IV lines within dead patients. As I walk into the sullen room, I quietly do my work and try my best to leave unnoticed. Of course, my first few times, I had blood spilling everywhere, despite my best efforts in showing the highest respect for the patient.

Another patient passed away today. A nice old lady, growing thin each day. She started twitching, her pupils moving further up, only responding mechanically to our questions. I was trying to find her radial artery pulse, but with each beat, it grew weaker. I looked up to see her gasping few breaths, and soon she passed away. Life just slipped out of her as I was watching. 

Yet, my phone kept ringing. I was again busy running from ward to ward. Everyone else was too. Life comes and goes, fading in and out. 

On Ad Astra

"Now we know, we're all we got." - Ad Astra

Never thought that the implications of accepting humanity as the only form of life in the universe would be that we are all that we have. It would makes us even more precious, even more loving.

I had once heard that Christian doctrine leans towards that there are no extraterrestrial lifeforms. I never bothered to study it. I brushed it off as simply being stubborn and obtuse. Now I know that believing we are the only intelligent being would makes us unique, that God indeed created us specially, that we are to know Him and to love Him.

Hospital Capitol

My military service is officially over. A full three years and a month did come to an end, and I am looking towards my residency. I have heard many stories of hardship while being in the hospital, and I naturally did not look forward to my time there. Yet, I thought about all the wonderful time I had meeting new friends in faith, just being with people who loved the LORD. I thought about all the wonderful possibilities and experiences I may encounter there and soon began to lighten up. Amidst the COVID-19 outbreak, it is rare to be meeting new people. I'm doing my best to take this opportunity as a God-given one, and try and make the most of it. Pray for me while I begin my training!

싸이퍼 / 고등래퍼 2 - 김하온

안녕 나를 소개하지
이름은 김하온 직업은 traveler
취미는 Tai Chi, meditation 독서, 영화시청
랩 해 터-털어 너 그리고 날 위해
증오는 빼는 편이야 가사에서 질리는 맛이기에
나는 텅 비어 있고 prolly 셋 정도의 guest
진리를 묻는다면 시간이 필요해 Let me guess
아니면 너의 것을 말해줘 내가 배울 수 있게
난 추악함에서 오히려 더 배우는 편이야 man
거울을 보는 듯한 삶 Mirror on the wa-wall
관찰하는 셈이지 이 모든 것 wu-wut
뻐-뻔한 걸 뻔하지 않게 switch up
뻔하지 않은게 뻔하게 되고 있으니까 you know
I ain't trynna be something, I'm just trynna be me
그대들은 verse 채우기 위해서 화나 있지
물결 거스르지 않고 즐겨 transurfing
원한다면 내 손으로 들어올 테니 uh
생이란 이 얼마나 허무하며 아름다운가
왜 우린 우리 자체로 행복할 수 없는가
우리는 어디서 와 어디로 가는 중인가
원해 모든 것을 하나로 아울러주는 답
배우며 살아 비록 학교 뛰쳐나왔어도
깨어 있기를 반복해도 머리 위로 흔들리는 pendulum
난 커다란 여정의 시작 앞에 서 있어
따라와줘 원한다면 나 외로운건 싫어서

김하온 - 싸이퍼 / 고등래퍼 2

Recent Thoughts 20200329

Frustrating life

Stubborn faith

Aimless walks

Unending wander

Knowing yet unable

Patience dwindling

Standing Strong

Looking back, I realized that I have gone through quite a bit, big or small. At the same time, we as a group, family, friends, neighbors, a nation, has gone through even more. Just thinking about Korea, there have been tragedies, destruction, grief and trials. Yet, we have persevered through it all until now. Amidst the COVID-19 crisis, we still are standing strong. As the world as one, there must have been countless more that have been unprecedented events, devastation. In God, however, I believe that He will yet still lead us on. In Christ we will stand. 

A Moment of Suffocation

After all those times spent together
There was nothing more I could say
Meanings lost, empty within
Have I ever loved anyone?
As she cries through the phone,
my mouth opens to speak silence
A moment was enough to suffocate
My only desire was to hang up
After all that we have been through
I just wanted out, as I have always wanted

Darling of Heaven

"Worthy is the Lamb" - Hillsong Worship

The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb

A song I have heard many times, yet I never stopped to truly meditate on the lyrics. Jesus, the darling of Heaven. Darling is a word so packed with love. Beauty and affection overflows from the word itself, and yet, he was crucified. He was taken to great pain for us. How much more a darling are we to have received such love? 

COVID-19 and Purgatory

Korea is quite hectic with the COVID-19 outbreak. There are countless amounts of actions the government officials did poorly, but what is done is done. Korea is now experiencing community-associated infections, which will spread quite quickly. 

As a public health doctor, serving my military duty, I was forced to work at the airport quarantine station for two weeks among the time of spread. To be honest, the work was not stressful at all. The busy work of creating a system of quarantine was done a few days before I had arrived. It was also pretty exciting to be working back at the city. I also got to commute via a bus rather than driving, which was a lot less tiring. 

My work consisted of taking basic history of passengers with cold symptoms and deciding whether they would be put into quarantine for COVID-19 infection tests. It was a weird feeling of how I was in charge of at least 12 hours of a person. I was the one deciding whether a person could walk into the country or not. 

Upon a few days of working, I had not thought much about the quarantined people, but as my days of work was coming to an end, I was also taken to the quarantine place for tests myself. The building was in the middle of nowhere, a few distance from the airport. It was dark, I was alone in a room with only the TV as company. The nasal and throat swab hurt quite a bit as well. 

I was out of the building in just two hours, and I wondered how suffocating it would have been to stay there for longer hours. Then again, I thought about how much worse it would be to be sent back, closed from the country. 

I thought about the doors of heaven. I knew there was not concept of purgatory in Protestant Christianity, but I thought of how it could certainly be something to wish for when standing before the gates of heaven. Then again, I thought about how much less I would be desperate to get into heaven while alive. 

It was an all or nothing situation. Where did I stand?

Mercy and Demian

Demian. It was one of the two books I had read in the four weeks of basic military training. To be honest, I don't think I understood much of it at all. I did figure it was a struggle story of a boy coming to realization of the world and himself.

Time passed, and I got to hear a broad explanation of the story online. The narrator explained how Demian was a sort of an alternate ego of Emil Sinclair. I know the explanations and the meanings behind the story are much in-depth, but the point I related to was that everyone had two sides of their self.

I had tried to live according to rules pretty obsessively. I had to make it right. I had to be correct, and I had wanted everyone to do so as well. I knew how to get along with people as well, but this obsessiveness created a certain wall between myself and others.

That all crashed in due time. I realized that my desire to obey the rules was in turn a desire to fit in. I wanted to be loved, and that was my method. When I was forced into a place with little interaction to others, hence few rules, I started acting out. I'm not to say that I went around wreaking havoc and breaking the law, but acted out to a certain degree in my standards.

After some time of irresponsible behavior, I looked back at myself and thought how monstrously reckless I had become. The truth is, though, I was still the same person, just a series of actions under my belt. I soon realized that this would be true for all others. Everyone would have their good and bad sides. Janus, as they call it, god of two faces.

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25

Paul, in Romans, explained this pretty clearly. A war wages within me, of good and evil. I thought I could be all good with sheer will, but this was not the case. We all were born to be both as sin had encroached us. We will never be good by ourselves, but only through Jesus. I had judged others according to their acts, and this certainly was a good measure. However, it was no good in showing mercy love. 

As we are all of two sides, I learned to embraces, at least a little more than before. It is not by judgement and shunning that people change. It was only by showing the love of Jesus to others, to introduce God and his mercy upon us. 

Bored of Wandering

Where did all my thoughts go?

Empty shell of a soul,

Bored out of my mind.

Just throwing time into the river.

Devoted

Devoted, not distracted
Let not my heart grow cold
but burn forevermore

Beautiful, not boastful
Let not my heart grow out
but humble forevermore

Worship, not wander
Let not my heart fade away
but shine forevermore

I Thought About

I thought about the years I have lived, 31 years and counting.

I thought about just how much I had wanted to get married, to find a soulmate.

I thought about why God had not allowed a partner yet, somebody to love.

I thought about how I was searching for an out, a rest.

I thought about the pity of it all, trying to find an answer elsewhere.

I thought about salvation, of how it is only in Jesus.

I thought about heaven, meeting God once again.

I thought about embrace, finding home. 

Verse for 2020

“Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.” John 14:13-14

After days of prayer, this was the verse chosen for me. In times of distress, I took it as God's response, his love for me. In whatever I choose to do in this year, I pray that it is what God desires. In His name, I wish to seek, in His name, I wish to see it happen. I pray that my life is used to glorify God. I pray that my life be used to spread the love of the Son.

Engage

In a single day, hours to seconds.
Countless are the chances to a relationship.
How you choose to engage is all that matters.
Your eyes, your thoughts and actions.
A stranger could pass by, though only for a moment.
A savior could be standing right beside.
Are you awake? Are you alive?
Let not a soul simply pass by,

Let it not just pass away.

A Collection Box

I came across a shoe box from long ago. The shoes that once filled the box, I remember not, but what it has now is a collection of all my memories. Ever since I started getting cards and souvenirs, I threw them all in: thank you cards, goodbye notes, tickets of travels and sorts.

I was simply looking through to find some lost files, but was soon reminded of past friends and relationships, of people that I should never forget, of experiences that made me who I was now. As I was about to close the box, a card dropped out from the cover.

It had an old student ID, not of mine, but of hers. The card wrote, “Congratulations to graduating! If you ever need anything let me know. I will do my best, I promise!” She had written the card years before we had started dating. I was told she recently got married.

I thought about all that I needed, all that I could ask her help for, but it was all too late now. It was but a broken promise. Soon, I saw all the other love letters and memoirs, of how every words spoken were but empty words.

The memory box was but a collection of broken promises: of forgotten love, of irrelevant memories, of wasted time together, of love given up.

With but a single match, all of just burn up into the wind. Perhaps afterwards, what matters shall be salvaged.

2020

Not just to survive,
but the thrive in Christ.