Better than the Promised Land

"Then Moses climbed Mount Nebo from the plains of Moab to the top of Pisgah, across from Jericho. There the Lord showed him the whole land—from Gilead to Dan, all of Naphtali, the territory of Ephraim and Manasseh, all the land of Judah as far as the Mediterranean Sea, the Negev and the whole region from the Valley of Jericho, the City of Palms,as far as Zoar. Then the Lord said to him, 'This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not crossover into it.'

And Moses the servant of the Lord died there in Moab, as the Lord had said. He buried him in Moab, in the valley opposite Beth Peor, but to this day no one knows where his grave is. Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone. The Israelites grieved for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days, until the time of weeping and mourning was over." Deuteronomy 34:1-8

I have always thought about how cruel God was to have Moses see the land, but never walk it. Recently, however, I heard a sermon on how this was not the cruelty of God, but rather a blessing. God allowed Moses to prepare death. Instead of having Moses lead the Israelites on further, God brings Moses home, back to His presence, the final destination, the end goal, the happiest eternity. 

I have reconciled the fact that I may not have all that I desire. I have realized that I am weak and imperfect. I will continue on to deteriorate, but I now believe that God will give for me the best of anything and everything. Though I may never recognize it, it will be what is best for me. Amen, again, I say, amen. 

Deathwish Heaven

A certain deathwish, yearning heaven
Responding to the call, knowing when to leave
Confidently say, "Let's go."

Question Answered

"When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples to ask him, 'Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?' Jesus replied, 'Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.'" Matthew 11:2-6

I thought about why Jesus never answered with a clear yes or no. Then, I thought about how if I were in that situation, I would not have been satisfied with a simple "yes." Instead, Jesus calls upon John to look into the promises of the Old Testament. The blind received sight. The lame walked. The lepers were healed. The deaf could hear. The dead were raised to life, and the good news was proclaimed to the poor. Jesus did not baby John. He encouraged him instead. He directed John on through the path he was right well on. 

여름 바람

선선한 여름 바람. 순수했던 마음. 

무궁무진했던 그 미래의 기대들. 찬란한 여름 날의 상쾌함.
이제 다시는 그 때로 돌아갈 수 없음을 알면서도
젊음의 땀방울이 혹시나 다시 맺히진 않을까,
내 삶의 모든 때가 씻겨 나가는 일은 혹시나 있을 순 없을까.

On Nicodemus

Late at night, with the cover of the dark I come.
Broken and confused, tired and frustrated.
Masks upon masks, I hide my intentions, my thoughts,
but you see through it all, piercing unto the deepest.
My heart is touched, I feel alive, restored within your arms.

종로 거리를 따라

회사 생활이 쉽지는 않았지만 이럴 때일수록 바쁜 것이 감사할 뿐이다. 정신없이 오전 일과에 집중하였더니 마치 내 삶의 모든 것이 멈춘 것처럼 고요했다. 가만히 앉아서 점심을 먹는 것조차 마음의 짐이 될 것 같아서 편의점에서 식사를 해결하기로 했다. 한 손엔 달걀 샌드위치, 다른 손엔 핸드폰을 쥐고 가게를 나오는 순간 익숙한 노래가 들려왔다.

"내 일생의 사랑이여, 나에게 상처를 주다니요. 내 마음을 산산조각 내어놓고 이제는 떠나는 건가요." 머큐리 아저씨의 그 속삭임에 감정이 차오르고, 기억이 되살아나고, 눈물이 나려는 그 순간 이어폰이 귀에서 떨어져 나갔다.

그 순간 도시의 소음이, 상인의 외침이, 다른 모든 이들의 살아가는 소리가 내게 들려오기 시작했다. 가을의 끝자락이 바람과 함께 나를 이끌어 가는 듯하여 그 종로 거리로 발걸음을 떼어 나아갔다.

가로수 하나, 무거운 발걸음이 가벼워지고,
가로수 둘, 머리가 점차 비워지며,
가로수 셋, 얼굴에 잔잔한 미소가 드리웠다.

낙엽 하나에 추억 하나. 그렇게 계속 걷다 보니 기억들이 하나둘씩 떨어져 나갔고, 앙상한 가지만 남아있는 그 나무를 보고 있자니 화려함은 없었지만 굳게 서있는 그런 나의 모습이 보이기 시작했다. 달라진 것은 하나도 없었다. 하지만 시간이 지나면 어느새 가지들은 풍성함을 다시 입고 누군가에게 시원한 그늘이 되어줄 것을 알았다.

잠시만 쉬라는 이야기를 전해준 바람에게 감사함을 나누고 이윽고 내 자리로 돌아왔다. 아직은 일이 바쁜 것이 다행이라는 생각이 들지만 퇴근 하고 싶어지는 마음이 한가득인걸 보니 봄이 생각보다 빨리 올 것만 같다.

Caring for Your Family

Nearly three thousand doctors are spread across parts of Korea, some in the heart of cities, some in islands hours away from land. Instead of serving as a soldier for the mandatory military service, young doctors are taken to the rural parts of the country to help maintain medical service to areas of low access to medicine. Some may say it is a far greater substitution than being a soldier, but nearly a double the service with low pay for a doctor is not too desirable either.

Nonetheless, they are there fulfilling their duties for the country. Some branches of public health centers see less than one patient a day, while some see too much for young doctors to handle. Still, they say it is nothing compared to the rigors of residency. With such favorable working conditions, it might seem natural for the doctors to enjoy a quiet rest for the upcoming three years, but the hiatus is often broken by a few patients with attitudes.

Personally, I have had patients shout all kinds of insults and swear words I have never heard before in my life, while some tried to get rather physical. I distinctly remember a time one patient tried to pick up a chair to throw at me. Though many physicians experience worse conditions working in the emergency department overnight, angered patients in midday seemed too odd a condition for vehement behavior.

At first, I wondered if it had been my own attitude towards the patients. Was I acting obnoxious or rude to my patients? Thankfully, the nurses working with me told my superiors that I had been one of the nicest doctors they have worked with in their times.

Was it the patients themselves? Did they have anger management issues? These patients, however, were elderly who were living such quiet lives. Often times in their revisit, they would be amazingly docile, even to the point they act as if they do not remember what they had said the previous time. It definitely was not about the money either, because most of the public health centers are free for those 65 years or older, even the medications!

Then I realized that the ones that vented out their frustration were in need of attention, of love. The ones that were in low compliance often were the ones with low to no communication with their families. Their sons or daughters would rarely visit, let alone keep in touch. They were the ones living lonely lives, perhaps simply waiting for a knock on the door, or even some kind of mail. They would get upset whenever I would ask them call their families to accompany them to a hospital for additional diagnostic testings. They would be flared up if I asked if they were living with anybody, because the patients would be in no condition to live alone.

I have had a patient with mild dementia who would come months late for their hypertensive medications. She kept repeating that she took a pill a day, and would not believe that she skipped some. It was often times difficult for me to pay close attention to history taking, as her oral hygiene was in such a poor condition, even a mask did not provide protection from foul odor. She seemed too disoriented to be walking around alone.

The truth is, however, this was not just a special occasion. This was rampart, everywhere. This was the current situation of people. Everyone seems lonelier each year, isolated and deemed obsolete. Even families move away, part directions with each other. I do realize that this is rather not a place for a doctor to get involved, but at the same time, I feel like it does cross certain paths. 

Though I have had barely any education in holistic medicine, I feel like all parts of life do affect the health of a patient. Whether it be taking your father to a regular checkup or even simply having dinner with your mother, it could very well be a life and death matter if it is all accumulated in efforts of years. Yes, years and years of anything would change a person definitely, but I am sure you get my point. 

Whenever patients drop by who seem to be in similar situations, I did my best to contact family members to gently remind them to care for their father or mother. I know I probably am not the best son myself, but all of this does remind me as well to engage in the life of my loved ones as well.

This is all probably no surprise, no flashing news, but I felt like I needed to start somewhere, to remind others that there are people waiting for you to reach out and grab them. There are many who are simply too weak and tired to rise up themselves. 

The service period will end sooner or later and I will be leaving here soon. In years to come, however, I wish that more patients are found in peace from the support of their beloveds.