Last to First Determination

This is Gras to the Deo 
saying heyo with some new beats, 
new rhymes and some new cheat sheets

Counting days to the last test, 
making ways to a new quest, 
God's behest, the love, divine celeste

New start rises, surprises
My life bought, fought with the blood
Here to say, I am not done. 

Inspired from Acts 20:24

Running past all obstacles, piercing through all barriers,
framed as a fugitive, but ever so righteous in heart.
The world comes crashing down, yet he still runs.
He has only one goal in mind: 

To do justice, love kindness, and to walk humbly with God.
The sacrifice of sins motivates the once immobile feet.
The grace of life grips firm his hands to what is at reach.
He runs, he falls, he is caught, beaten, broken and bound.
Yet, he gains strength once more to run, towards his calling home, to God’s embrace

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” Acts 20:24

Morning After Thoughts

Most college students would be familiar with the term, "Finals week." It is a week long (even a week and a half to some students) schedule allotted for taking the final exams of courses registered. Finals week to me was a rather happy time of the year. Rarely would there be exams back to back, so I would study what has been taught over the semester leisurely. It also foreboded the coming of summer or winter break. 

Unfortunately, this semester was utterly different. The finals week was more so a month, and there was an exam everyday. The weekends were off thankfully, so I would catch up on lost sleep. 

I would be studying without realizing what time it was quite often. I would see the sun set and rise in time, while students would come and go. 

There is a big church right beside the school. Every early morning, the sun would shine through the blinds and a faint shadow of the cross would be seen. 

I imagined getting closer to the cross. It would smell of old blood, rotting flesh and mostly of death. As you got closer despite the foul odor and the ugly scene, I imagined I would see a mirror, reflecting our lives, the sin Christ has suffered for us. If only you drew closer would you see. Afar, it is only a faint glimmer of a shape. 

Draw near.

Blindside

Scientists say that your immune system is compromised when you get little sleep. I unfortunately had first-hand experience on the matter. During exams, I had gotten little sleep over several days. Luckily I did not catch a cold, but I was met with a stye. Hordeolum, to be medical exact, is an infection of the sebaceous glands of Zeis at the base of the eyelashes, or an infection of the apocrine sweat glands of Moll. 

Simply put, I had a swollen eye with a slight fever. When I was young, getting a stye was nothing too bad. A couple of days sleep would have it healed. Unfortunately, it wasn't the case this time. The infection lasted several days without much improvement. I soon went to the doctor to have in drained, which hurt immensely. 

I could go on about how bad it was, but I wanted to share a thought over this experience.

I could barely see with my left eye. Then I thought about how difficult it would have been if both my eyes had been infected. The thought carried on further and I wondered what my life would have been like if I had gone completely blind in both of my eyes. 

I would have had a lot of adjustments to make, not to mention making a lot of devastated outcries to God. Perhaps I would have enhanced senses of hearing and smelling. All in all, however, I realized that I would become completely dependent on the mercy of others for me to live on. I would need help in finding shelter and food. I would need guidance in avoiding potential dangers. The other big part would be that I would need others to let me be. I could be abused and assaulted without much of self-protection to be done. 

I would become so dependent on God, perhaps pray each moment of the rest of my blind life. 

But I soon realized that I actually was blind at this moment. I was spiritually blind, and I needed the grace of God immediately.

Dream Sequence: Love

I am on the top bunk, the ceiling tightly close to me.
I notice you laying beside me, or more like laying over me.
You look up and ask, "Why this feeling of unrequited love?"
Before I can say a word, you begin to kiss me, seconds apart, repeatedly.
For a moment, I become embarrassed that others may be watching,
but soon I give myself up, letting my heart fly away to you.  

Christmas Awaits

Light.
It all begins with the light.
Light shines within days on end,
and though darkness follows,
perhaps even dimming the world,
the greatest light, a star shined forth.
Each year, we remember that light.
With colorful bulbs and candles,
we imitate that special light.
Of course, too shallow in comparison.
Yet, the warmth of friends,
love of family,
the grace of God,
makes everything all perfect,
as I quietly wait for Christmas,
for Jesus to return. 

Society's Embrace

The most difficult part of society is that it is so focused on doing right that acceptance and embrace is completely lost. 

Mysteries!

“Now to him who is able to strengthen you according to my gospel and the preaching of Jesus Christ, according to the revelation of the mystery that was kept secret for long ages but has now been disclosed and through the prophetic writings has been made known to all nations, according to the command of the eternal God, to bring about the obedience of faith— to the only wise God be glory forevermore through Jesus Christ! Amen.” Romans 16:25-27

Doxology, a liturgical formula of praise to God. It mostly signifies an end to modern worship service and a form of a blessing for the rest of the week. It leaves a good feeling (to me at least) and brings hope for another week. So often it is we hear this, the individual words are often lost.

Today I wanted to shine light on the word “mystery” that has been ironically hidden within the passage. What then, is this mystery that Paul is talking about in Romans? Well, like all good academic personnel, we find the meaning hidden in another book, the first Corinthians. 

“Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.” 1 Corinthians 15:51-52

The mystery speaks of eternity. It specifically talks about overcoming death, the root of all human action. In a flash, a twinkling of an eye, the dead will become immortal! How will this be possible? Let's read into John.

“‘Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.’” John 14:1-3

From reading the Bible back and forth, it will be easy to know that God exists out of time. A place in the Father's house would inherently be also a place without time, hence eternity, eternal together-ness with God. Though more information has been provided, the 6 interrogatives have not yet been addressed, so now we turn to 1 Thessalonians.

^“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

We shall receive resurrection to eternity in God when Jesus comes back here on earth in we believe in Jesus. 

“‘For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.’” Mark 4:22-23

No Evil Will I Fear

Let the world know that my heart is still beating
despite all the cheating and the gluttonous eating
though hatred and opposition is heating
I'll be creating a movement of grace
Indeed, a curious case that Jesus has let sail
Let them know that God's love still prevail
Though I walk in the valley of shadows, no evil will I fear
Here is where I'll stand, o Lord, bring near
So I leave with a smile that will carry me each mile
closer to eternity, tapping into heaven all the while

Collab: ReClaim, Part 10

[GrasDeo]

It's always the little things

the rise and fall, an awakening call

Civilizations coming to ruin

clamor and chaos brewin'

I knew nothing lasted forever

but, oh, at least a hundred years

Yet, my conscience empties,

a pearl-less shell, just memories

This is a gentle monologue for my soul

searching for some comfort, a consolation

before my heart becomes a consolidation

[ReClaim] 

I needa, ask myself what's real and what's not

before I let melancholy rule over me,

I needa ask myself, what's real and what's not,

The mind's becoming nothing but a couldron,

a couldron of anxiety and anger,

depression and dominion

of death and devastation

[GrasDeo]

Before my heart grows dark and weary

I gotta find the light,

A sunlight beating dead in my eyes

Warming me from the core

And so nevermore shall I fall victim as before

Inspired by the movie, Before Sunrise

One day, one moment was enough to see that God exists.

He has created beauty that is you.

Whispered love, opened hearts, passionate promises.

Time was but a twinkle in your eyes.

Like a fine mist that blew away with the wind, however, you were gone.

Diligently have I searched to see you again,

But as years passed, I grew weaker in strength, never faint, though, at heart.

Perhaps I’ll write a book, speak of all the wonderful times we could have together,

just so I can meet you once more, perhaps, make my dream a reality.

Please have no fear for what has not yet come.

I know I am flawed, but I don’t expect to be perfect for you,

so why try to be perfect for me?

Gather, once, remain. I am still here, waiting for you.

Inspired by the movie, Before Sunrise

Captured the Moment

Since birth I was educated, like the rest of us, with death. All my life, directions headed to the limitations of the here and now. Everything was fading and passing away, and it bothered me so much. I desperately wanted to capture a moment, any moment. So I went traveling to foreign countries. I took on various jobs. I watched more and more movies. I even tried to meet as many people as possible. I lived my life to its seconds to do more and be more than anyone else in the world. Yet, nothing lasted. All faded into the brittle mind called memories.

I then turned to God and asked, “Where is meaning in this world?”

But the answer I got was nothing but repeating days, mundane and redundant.

For quite some time, I was frustrated. None of my actions seemed to have an effect on anything. I was bored and anxious at the same time, but there was nothing I could do to change what He has given me. I turned to simple pleasures of the world. Intoxicated, I became, and soon lost sight of all that I had. Yet, the sun came up the following morning, and rain came and went nonetheless.

“For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” Matthew 5:45b

Despite all that has happened, God loved nonetheless, whether in my good or in my bad. I quickly found gratitude and made joy of the life He has given me. With a growing heart of thankfulness, details started to spring to life. Even the smallest things had meaning. Every block forged into something greater. I speculated and examined more of what He has provided for me. The more meaning I gave, the more meaningful all became.

The present of the here and now, supported by the past of what has happened, spearheaded by the future of what is to come, blended perfectly, for I saw how I will soon leave the shackles of time with hands holding tightly with God. With death soon to be defeated, a moment ceased to be a moment, but eternity. No longer did I have lingering desire for meaning in time, but only in God. 

Life of Defeat, or Victory

Why, oh Lord, why?

Why did you live a life of defeat?

Why must have it been so hurtful?

As you walked upon Golgotha,

With the burden of sin on your shoulders,

What passed through your mind?

The cross resounds with victory,

But the way to it lies with sorrow still.

How shall we live our lives then?

How should we suffer in our way to victory?

Courage in Memories

Memories fading into histories

What was imprinted on my mind,

now becoming sand upon waves

Oh time be kind, give a chance to rewind

The truth is, though, nothing’s changed since then

Just new work looking like goliath, a behemoth but biased

Spieth the devils work,

that three pronged fork is nothing but a plastic spork

So break, the wall of iniquity,

that self-righteous hypocrisy

I’m still me and you be still you

Under one sun, love of one son

We answer to the Lord, the eternal reward

Collab: ReClaim, Part 9

[ReClaim]
Gimme a topic so I can drop it.
It's been too long since I rhymed it, like i almost forgot it.
But you know, to me, rhymings like bicycle riding;
Once innate, once gained, never lose it.
Even without your given topic, I already killed it.

[GrasDeo]
I say, the name of the game is to put you to shame
'cuz the topic's the same, you were just so lame
But I admire your effort, twinkling star of a mind
one of a kind, else no where to find
True brother, aight, respect, I got your behind

Desperate for You

The year is coming to an end as only a month of clinical rotations are left. I am in my last week of psychiatry, and I am pretty glad that I will not be learning any more psychiatry. It was a lot of mental stress, but I did get to learn a lot about myself. 

One neat activity that I participated in was taking the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory test. It is a standardized psychometric test of adult personality and psychopathology. In short, it will show you if you have any mental issues. 

Normally, the average value per category is around 30 to 70. Within that range, most people would live quite comfortably among society. One of the categories I wanted to mention was the Depression category. A higher score would mean that the patient would be showing depressive symptoms. A lower score would mean that the person is rather energetic and bright, almost flamboyant. 

I scored a 30 on that scale, and though rather low, I do not show signs of severe discord within society. However, the test instructor did mention that a patient who shows a lower score on the Depression scale is either flashy, or actually masking their depressive mood. 

I often tell myself to smile. I often try to shake off any negative attitude during the day. I often repeat 1 Thessalonians 5:16, "rejoice always" as is the will of God, but deep down inside, I know that I am waiting for the coming of Jesus, for his soothing consolation. I am desperate indeed. 

Harvest

"Then he said to his disciples, 'The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'" Matthew 9:37-38

I've been holding onto this message for weeks. There truly is much harvest. Golden fields lie endlessly in front of us. Yet, there is too few of good men to work the harvest. Everyone seems too busy living in city walls. No one seems to care for the fundamental source of life, a soul's work. 

I pray today that I be a good harvest man myself, and also pray that He send us laborers into his field. 

Life or Death

"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live" Deuteronomy 30:19 

In assuming the validity of the Bible, we are guided to believe that God is sovereign and that we are His creation. We have been cursed with the problem of sin and have been sentenced to death. Although what has been thought to be a closed case, we are here faced with a choice. We realize that God has given us power to choose between life and death of our own lives. A second chance has been granted, and yet, very few realize of this choice. 

So why not choose life? Most of us do not know what choosing life means. Those who do, find it very difficult to maintain the choice made. Yet, the text is clear in its meaning. It is either life or death. 

Choose Jesus. Choose him to guide you to life everlasting. Choose him to lead you to true blessing. 

의사의 한 가지

언젠간 후배 의대생들에게 말 한마디를 전해줄 기회가 생긴다면 딱 한가지를 이야기하고 싶습니다. 

의대생은 약 6년간 학교를 다니게 됩니다. 그 안에서 유급하고 휴학하며 조금 더 오래 다닐 분들도 계시지만 일단은 적어도 6년은 한 곳에서 공부를 하게 됩니다. 수능이라는 전쟁을 치르고 공부는 너무나도 질려있는 상태에서 다시 더 공부를 하자니 힘들다는 것도 어느 정도 이해합니다. 특히나 이곳에서 내가 무얼하며 살고 있는 지 잘 모르시는 분들이 대부분이실 걸 압니다. 그래서 일단 장차 다가 올 것들에 있어서 말씀 드리겠습니다. 

의사가 되면 달라지는 것들이 있습니다. 먼저 크게는 다른 사람들의 시선입니다. 지금은 그냥 학생이지만 의사가 되면 사람들의 존경심을 받습니다. 질투도 어느 정도 받을 수 있지만 대부분 함부로 무시하지는 않습니다. 그렇지만 그에 합당한 의사로서의 자질을 기대하게 됩니다. 사람의 건강을 온전히 돌봐줄 수 있는 실력을 요구하게 됩니다. 

그런 실력은 학교에서 시키는 공부를 따라가기만 하면 어느 정도 얻어지는 것입니다. 강의 시간에 조금 더 힘내서 집중하고 시험 기간에 놀고 싶은 마음을 잠시 접어두고 실습시간에는 열정으로 환자분들을 만나보며 국시를 위해 천천히 준비한다면 의대는 무사히 졸업할 것입니다. 

그래서 의대는 버티기만 하면 되는 곳입니다. 그 이후에 실력있는 의사가 되기 위해 전문의 과정도 밟는 다면 그만큼 더 전문적인 실력이 있는 의사가 되실 수 있을 겁니다. 하지만 그것이 전부는 아닙니다. 왜냐하면 사람들이 의사에게 바라는 것이 한가지 더 있기 때문입니다. 

인간은 지금까지 모두 공통되는 것이 있습니다. 바로 죽음입니다. 몇 종교에서 믿는 사례들을 제외하곤 인간은 모두 죽었습니다. 그래서 사실 의사는 사람을 살린다기 보단 생명을 조금 연장시켜주는 것 뿐입니다. 그렇기 때문에 환자분들은 스스로 알게 모르게 건강 이상의 것들까지 의사들에게 바랍니다. 바로 공감입니다. 공감을 넘어선 관심, 궁극적으로는 사랑을 원하고 있습니다. 죽음 앞에 무력한 인간으로서 이 세상에서 조금이나마 아름다운 삶을 살았고 서로에게 기쁨이 되었다는 확인을 받고 싶어합니다. 

이러한 마음은 분명 학교에서 가르치지 않습니다. 바로 이러한 부분들이 여러분이 스스로 노력해야하는 부분입니다. 사람을 배우시길 바랍니다. 그렇게 지겹게 느끼는 인문학 수업도 귀를 기울여 보고, 여행을 다니며 사람들의 살아감을 배우며, 가족들과 친구들의 행동을 관찰해 보기도 하며 연애를 하고 봉사도 하며 악기나 운동도 즐겨하는 삶을 사시길 바랍니다. 무엇보다도 나보다 타인을 더 생각하며 살아가는 연습을 하시길 바랍니다. 

타인을 위한 삶. 그것이 의사로서 가장 필요한 한가지라고 생각합니다. 감사합니다. 

On Righteousness

"If a man is righteous and does what is just and right— if he does not eat upon the mountains or lift up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, does not defile his neighbor's wife or approach a woman in her time of menstrual impurity, does not oppress anyone, but restores to the debtor his pledge, commits no robbery, gives his bread to the hungry and covers the naked with a garment, does not lend at interest or take any profit, withholds his hand from injustice, executes true justice between man and man, walks in my statutes, and keeps my rules by acting faithfully—he is righteous; he shall surely live, declares the Lord God." Ezekiel 18:5-9 

I wish I could find words to comment on the Words, but reading it as it is, meditating on it, and truly following the words is all that can be done, all that needs to be done. 

Lust into Love

"The integrity of sex, the challenge of lust and the future of love" 
- Love and Lust by Tim Keller, sermon on Matthew 5:27-30, May 6, 2012

Psych Ward Days

One of the perks of being a medical student is that a lot is learned about the human body. A lot of preconceived notions of people were broken, and I quickly learned that a majority of what happens around us is uncontrollable. It's hard to say I learned all this philosophical jargon in class, but the experience here certainly allowed me to mature just a little bit more, especially the ones from the psychiatric ward. 

I started rotations in the psych ward beginning of this week. I was pretty nervous because of all the rumors surrounding the place. Thankfully, most the patients were well managed and treated by the standing doctors. 

In the back of my head, I thought that mental illnesses were mostly from the lack of discipline and a weak willpower, but I soon saw that I was grossly mistaken. Broken families and related environmental issues played a major role in the formation of a mental illness, not to mention simple imbalances in hormones as well. 

Perhaps it was from my own shortcomings that I had thought too harsh of mental patients. I still have trouble accepting the flawed state of man. The imperfection bothers me very much. From such frustration, I grew to be anxious, which stemmed into an obsessive-compulsive personality. I also had relationship issues where I would keep a safe distance with people in order to control how others see me, a defense mechanism of sorts to help me deal with an inner issue. 

I was no different from the people in the hospital. The only difference may be that I haven't been triggered yet. The prayer that I pray would be that I would never be triggered here in this life. 

Desperate

Desperate, with no one to commiserate.
The source of life was within my grasp,
or so I thought, rather, caught in an endless loop.
The harder I run, the further it becomes.
Gasp, panting and thirsting,
Sprawled on the ground, I fall down to look up,
and the sky collapses on me, oh why let it be me?
Stars fall and trees grow, sheltering me like a wall.
A call, the serene silence broken tall
by a voice, peaceful, gentle and forceful
Graceful am I. He was with me all along.
You are where I belong, Jesus Christ, my all. 

Yirah

When was your deepest moment of fear?
Was it when you were in front of a crowd?
Or was it when you failed that exam?
Was it when the airplane was in turbulence?
Or was it when the car flipped over throwing you in chaos?
Was it when you saw the mountains tremble?
Or was it when you felt the presence of God?

Yirah, it is the Hebrew word for fear, for awe, the beginning of wisdom.

The Issue of Zacchaeus

For several weeks now, the sermon was on Luke 19:1-10, specifically on the story of Zacchaeus. There is a link above if you are unfamiliar with the story. Most would know it as the guy who climbed a tree to see Jesus. 

The pastor's question began with this: what was special about Zacchaeus? Was Zacchaeus special in the sight of God that he was chosen by Jesus for salvation? Or was he simply chosen as a representative of all the lost souls? 

If Zacchaeus had indeed done something to have been be uniquely chosen, it would no longer be complete grace. An act of man bringing salvation would completely overthrow the message of the Bible, in which says that salvation is solely by the grace of God.
Was, then, Zacchaeus only a representative among all? There certainly was something different, as Jesus crossed the crowd and called him by name.

The short answer to this question was that Zacchaeus responded. He was in position to respond. 

There is a correlation to this story which is found in Luke 17:11-19. It is the story of ten lepers being healed by Jesus. Ten lepers are healed, but only one comes back to Jesus. 

It is the issue of the current state of the heart. What problems and burdens are carried by individuals? For Zacchaeus, he was branded a sinner even by the people. He had been struggling with the issue of sin, and has found the answer in Jesus. He responds and is overjoyed. The first grace that was given to Zacchaeus was not Jesus seeking him out and coming to his home, but rather his life circumstances that allowed him to realize that he was a sinner. 

How does this relate to our lives? Personally, I no longer struggle with the issue of sin. I am not desperate for God. The problem that which was solved by the cross is no longer the center of my heart. I fail to respond. I fool myself constantly in that I am living according to God. Perhaps it is due my life without agony. The problem with pain is that it is needed. Yet again, the answer it the cross, and the cross shall it be as the home of my heart. 

Dream Sequence: #646523

1
I married a friend at church. I moved in to her house, an American suburban house to two stories. Though in real life, she had no brother, her brother was living in the same house as well. I woke up next to her in bed, and I was filled with joy of having been married. I got up to do house chores as my wife began to do the dishes. I insisted on doing it myself, but she refused. I found her truly nice, almost to the point where I felt sorry that I was not as kind.

That moment, I realized that I had a girlfriend. I had not told her that I got married. I had not told my wife that I had a girlfriend. I began to wish to turn back time to undo what I had done to myself, and soon realized that it was all a dream.

2
I found myself in a playground, though rather a playground swimming pool. My dad and I had come to enjoy the water, and there was a mother and a son hanging out by the playground. A long floating mat was present, and I pushed it far and had let go, making a giant slide for my dad and the boy. The boy almost hurt himself, but managed to break the fall.

I was then trying to take a shower, but the shower place was far, while I needed to run across many people without my clothes on. I hesitated, but soon put on clothes to simply walk across.

As I left the pool, I got on a bus, of which I had thought to be a public bus. As the bus made a stop, I soon realized that it was a bus to a funeral. I had on a white dress shirt and black pants, which had me blend into the crowd. Realizing of my blunder, I escaped, and soon woke up from my dream.

God's Letter

Spirits shattered, all that mattered, lost,

as I look into my heart to see its last

moment of disposal, empty, a sum so hefty,

everything leaking out through the cracks, feel like a road kill along the tracks

so then, I ask why, why do I make myself a blank page?

I am that Bible, a piece of God’s handwriting. What say it when read?

What am I to show for in the presence of angels once in heaven?

The unleavened, bread is what I shall be, what is shattered is no longer to be

For all that I do, I show that I am a letter from Christ

Second Corinthians, Chapter Three Verse Three

so remember

Half past reminiscence

I am past half of my studies in medicine. A lot has changed since my first day. Physically, some, but more so mentally, or perhaps spiritually. I still remember hearing the sirens blare, getting startled, but soon realizing that such has become my life. I had struggled to keep up with the rigor of the academics, while trying desperately to hold onto myself. The busyness has settled down as I have started clinical rotations. I have seen patients and how they were treated. 

Perhaps it was the folktales of miraculous healing that had formed my ideas on being a doctor. Reality was none like it. Being a doctor was just being a scientist. There was nothing magical about medicine. It was nothing about life-giving, only perhaps prolonging. 

All my life, I have struggled with weakness, the human frailty. By becoming a doctor, I had thought I would be allowed to become more, fill the void of being human, correct the brokenness of mankind. It was still the grace of God.

I remember my friend telling me that the hospital building is no different than the tower of Babel. I quickly caught onto the idea as well. Though it may not be completely out of God's will, but it was war nonetheless. People struggled to hold onto life, trying to figure out the answer to death, while the hand of God constantly reaches out to let people know that He is the only salvation to death. 

The job of being a doctor was no different than any other occupation. We are still dependent fully on the Lord. Only through Him shall we ever see life seep in the doors of a hospital. 

Touch the Sky - Hillsong United

1

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

2
What treasure waits within Your scars
This gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

C
My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

B
Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Humility Found

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:1-4

The trick to praying much is realizing that prayer answered is possibly the sweetest thing. I had been praying for humility for couple of weeks now, and this was His response. 

Amen

Fear to Fire

I woke up early one morning and headed to church to pray in the silence of sleeping city. The sky was still dark and my senses were heightened. Perhaps it was the beating heart that captured my mind, but I was suddenly struck with fear, a general apprehension. After searching through what murky pool of my heart, I found the source of my anxiety. It was the question not of God's infinite power in saving people, but of God's decision to choose me in His salvation. I know in my mind that God can raise people up from the dead, but I did not know if He would save me from the dead. With quiet outcries, I knew I would find the source of comfort only in the Bible. 

Romans 8:38-39 says "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Unconditionally conditional, conditionally unconditional. Such seems to be God's love for us, but nonetheless, I chose to believe that this love was indeed for me, one that is not quite there yet seeking. Perhaps God will teach me more as I grow mature. 

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Psalm 27:14

I shall never know fully until that day comes, of God's coming. With what time I have here in this life though, I will be diligent in learning of His love truly. 

Come Together

"You listen, and take a lesson from the dead.
If we don't come together right now on this hallowed ground,
we too will be destroyed, just like they were." 

- Coach Boone from Remember the Titans

Light Shining Bright

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you." Isaiah 60:1

Let your light shine bright
Let it shine forth to others
Though darkness clings on
It has no strength but to fade
Free others of their death
Let life rush out and on

Comments on being single as a Christian

"As soon as you're satisfied with God alone, he'll bring someone special into your life" - as though God's blessings are ever earned by our environment.

"You're too picky" - as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.

"As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord's work" - as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work...

From "Singled Our by God for Good" by Paige Benton Brown

On Converting

"내가 친구를 참으로 사랑하고 그를 천국으로 인도하기 원한다면, 
그의 시간표를 따라야 하지 않겠습니까?" 

- 필립 브룩스, 친구 로버트 잉거솔에 관해

FNKD First Album

https://soundcloud.com/grasdeo/sets/car-seat-freestyle/s-FQQec

A collection of freestyling tomfoolery done via ride to church.
Welcome home ReClaim. Sorry for the late upload.
Congratulations to your upcoming marriage.

A gentle reminder for those who bothered enough to click the link, this was solely for the purpose for our entertainment. I am not sorry for the poor quality of music that is made. Rather, join us in our adventure into the world of rap :P hah!

이방인

그는 혼자 생각했다.

어떻게 사람이 여자친구가 있으면서도 다른 여자랑 같이 시간을 보내며 그 순간에 또 다른 어느 여자를 보고 싶어 하는 걸까?

스스로에게 문제가 많은 지 잠시 고민도 해봤지만 결론은 나지 않을 것 같았다. 그냥 별 생각이 없는 듯 그렇게 흘러가며 사는 인생이기 때문인가 보다. 

Meeting with a Soon to be Pastor

I met with a man whom I had befriended in church. In time, he had taken on a role of a spiritual mentor of some sort. 

He told me not to bear weight heavy on the shoulders. He told me not to think of what is to come, but to live for the now. He said God loves worship that is seasonable, and though many trials may come, the LORD waits upon that place of which you fell, waiting for you to try again.

창조와 타락

"창조와 타락, 이 두 가지를 동시에 볼 수 있는 균형 있는 안목을 가져야 합니다. 이러한 안목을 갖고 산다면 부조리한 세상이라고 비관만 하거나 인간에 대해 포기하지도 않습니다. 세상을 부조리하게 만드는 것도 사람이지만, 세상을 살맛나게 만드는 것도 사람임을 알기 때문입니다." 영원을 품고 오늘을 걷다 - 정현구

오늘도 너를 사랑할 이유

알콜도수

all the 장로s in the house put your hands up

all the 권사s in the house put your hands up

ayo 도사 God's chosen 집사, 잘 들어 봐

하늘 아래 내가 당연 최우수

그럴 때마다 높아지는 알콜도수

집착과 애착에 순식간에 인생 밑바닥 도착

난장판 앞에 나는 그야말로 난봉꾼

나무꾼 같이 약탈해야 얻는 pretty girls

이제 그만 발악해 ayo 명심해

비트는 따라오니 네가 하고 싶은 말을 해

Ephesian Actions

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:29-32

For a while, I have prayed to God in what exactly that I should be doing as to being a Christian. In retrospect, may be it wasn't a good idea...:P There are countless amounts of recommendations given by God as to how our lives should look like in light of God's grace. Personally, I have started to struggle with anger and bitterness, which is clearly seen in my speech. Naturally, I have come to avoid trying to open my mouth lest I speak nonsense or worse, malice. Checking my actions in order is especially difficult with this verse pricking periodically.

"What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them?...In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." James 2:14, 17

It is easy to think the answer to poor action is inaction, but I believe it is constant action. This, of course, is with the assumption that improvements will follow. To err is human, and I say to try again is human as well. 

Dream Sequence: Trembling

I am happy to say that I am extremely excited right now. I rarely dream, let alone dream about God, but that was what happened last night. This would be my second time to have dreamt about God. The first time was about a year and a half ago. I was riding up an escalator in a mall-like environment, and there He was. I was like a secretary reporting all that has been happening. 

Last night, I was holding hands with someone, walking towards a room, and suddenly, I began trembling. The greatest fear that I cannot possibly describe came upon me. I could not breathe. I was on the ground in an instant, trying to get lower and lower. I fell prostrate and did not dare look up. I kept saying, "I love you God, God, I love you" over and over again. 

The fear I felt was not of despair, but of panic and concern before the Holy One. There were no remnant feelings of horror after having woken up. I was rather glad, glad to have been reminded that God is still among us, nudging, pushing and sometimes throwing us overboard to remember.  

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom." Psalm 111:10

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge." Proverbs 1:7

"The fear of the LORD leads to life." Proverbs 19:23

Bleeding Woman

"As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years, but no one could heal her. She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped." Luke 8:40-44

The woman commonly known as the bleeding woman is depicted in three different books of the Bible: Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5:21-43 and Luke 8:40-56. 

12 years. 

The woman suffered for twelve years. Biblical scholars say that due to her constant bleeding, she was regarded as impure by the laws held in those times. Some scholars say that she was regarded impure mainly because of the menstruation laws indicated in Leviticus. The burden of physical illness as well as being regarded a sinner probably had her weak and weary. 

“'Who touched me?' Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, 'Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.' But Jesus said, 'Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.'" Luke 8:45-46 

With only brief seconds of joy and astonishment of her betterment, she was struck with complete fear. The Bible even indicates that she trembled. 

"Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then he said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'” Luke 8:47-48 

Fear turning to salvation seems to be a common theme in the Bible. It may even be the main motif of our lives. We are born into the world with fear. We fear everything. These fears stem from only one main problem: the problem of death. Death brings us fear. The presence of God strikes us with fear for we immediately recognize our mortal status before the immortal. 

Jesus, however, reaches out to us, calls us out from the crowds, from the darkness. He says, "Go in peace." 

In peace, we shall go, into his arms at the hour of our death. 

Breathe in Mercy

Despite everything
I kneel before your words
and breathe in fresh life
for this is all I ever wanted

Farewell: Year 3

Year 3

1월 – 그 때 그렇게 널 보게 될 줄은 몰랐어. 그 멀리서도 당황하는 나의 모습을 보았을까? 각자 서로 다른 사람 옆에 앉아서 같은 곳에, 그 넓고 많은 장소와 무한한 시간 속임에도 불과하고 마주친다는 건.

내가 좀 당황하긴 했나 봐. 여자친구가 왜 그러는지 물어보더라. 이미 나에 대해 많이 알고 있던 친구라 깊이 설명할 것도 없었지만 미안한 마음은 들더라. 사실 당황한 내 모습도 이해가 가지 않았어. 새로운 만남을 시작하기 전에 명확한 맺음을 하라는 뜻이라 여기고 감사한 마음에 연락을 했었지.

집에 도착해서 전화 넘어 들리는 너의 목소리를 들었을 때 언젠간 다시 만날 수 있을 것만 같은 인연을 이제는 내 손으로, 내 입으로 틀어막는 게 싫었나 봐. 그 때 혹시 실없는 소리들을 지껄였다면 미안해. 마침 새로운 곳으로 이사를 하고 난 뒤였는데 괜히 방이 더 낯설었고 창문 넘어 보이는 도시의 야경은 아름다우면서도 씁쓸한 그런 광경이었어. 멍하니 이를 닦고 따스한 이불 속에 내 자신을 덮고 잠들었던 기억이 난다.

3월 – 분명히 잘 지내라고 얘기하고 좋은 끝맺음을 지은 줄 알았는데 다시 또 이상한 곳에서 너의 생각이 나더라. 영등포는 네가 사는 곳도 아닌데 지날 때 마다 왜 생각나는 걸까? 신월동이 그 근처라고 얘기한 적이 있었나? 여자친구를 보러 오고 가는 길에 항상 영등포가 크게 쓰인 표지판을 보면 그렇게 연락하고 싶더라. 원래 남자들은 이런 건지 친한 몇 친구들에게 물어보기도 했는데 그렇다한 시원한 답을 준 사람은 한 명도 없었어.

5월 – 그렇게 자주 마주치는 것도 아니었지만 그나마 우연히 만나기라도 할 때마다 점점 쌀쌀맞게만 느껴지는 너의 태도에 자연스레 연락처를 모두 지우기로 했었어. 헤어지고 난 뒤에 친구로 지내는 건 정말 불가능 한 걸까 잠시 고민을 하고 나서 말이야. 그래도 참 학교가 좁다는 걸 다시 느꼈어. 네가 좋은 사람을 만나고 있다는 얘기를 들었어. 누구인지 참 궁금하더라. 어떤 사람을 만난 걸까. 정말 좋은 사람이길 바라면서도 한편으로는 내가 훨씬 더 잘나가는 사람이길, 너무나도 유치할 만큼, 바랬던 것 같다.

7월/1 – 작년에 잠시 너를 만나고 헤어졌을 때, 그 때 왜 그렇게 금방 관계를 관뒀는지 물어본다면 시원하게 대답은 못 해줄 거야. 너무 어려서 그랬다고 말하기에는 내 나이가 어리지 않았고 타이밍이 아니었다고 말하기에는 내 스스로가 타이밍 따위 믿지 않고 널 사실 좋아하지 않았다고 말하기에는 아직도 생각이 나고 있는걸. 마음에 부담이었나? 그냥 별 생각이 없었나? 나 스스로도 정말 궁금했어.

네가 나를 볼 때마다 불편해하는 걸 보면 왜 그렇게 마음이 상했는지. 잘 지낼 수 있을 것만 같았는데 날 피하는 것 같고 마주치면 못 본 척 하려는 게 가끔은 화도 나곤 했어.

나는 꿈을 자주 꾸는 편은 아니야. 그런데 여자친구는 한 번도 나온 적이 없는 꿈에 신기하게 너는 등장하기도 하더라. 다행이 한두 번뿐이었어. 그래서 나 스스로가 너무 쓰레기 같진 않더라. 내일이면 이런 생각 하나 없이, 아예 아무 생각 없을 것도 알지만 그냥 오늘 좀 센치한 밤이려나 싶네.

오늘이 내 생일이어서 더 그런가 보다 했어. 마지막 몇 분이 지날 때 까지 너에게 축하 받고 싶다는 생각은 버려지지 않더라. 여자친구가 오늘 저녁은 학교에서 가장 밥을 같이 먹고 싶은 사람한테 연락하라고 했는데 가장 먼저 떠오른 건 너였어. 다행히 다음 생각난 게 친한 형이어서 저녁 맛있게 먹고 왔지 뭐.

어디서 무얼 하며 지낼까 생각해보면 남자친구와 잘 지내며 학교를 다니고 있겠거니 싶었어. 하지만 정말 궁금한 건 너는 무슨 생각을 할까 야. 네가 마지막으로 추천해준 몇 개의 노래들을 들으면 실소가 나오곤 해. 노래 가사 하나는 기가 막히게 썼네.

드라마나 영화처럼 서로가 혼자일 때 다시 만날 기회가 있으려나? 어차피 읽을 사람 하나 없는 글, 혹 훗날 내가 나이 들어서 책을 내게 된다면 언젠간 인용되는 부분이겠으니 할 말 못할 말 다 쓰고 잘게.

7월/2 – 너는 그 때 울긴 했었니? 슬펐하긴 했니? 헤어지고 나서의 여자들은 어떤 생각들을 하는지 물어보기도 한 걸 넌 알 수 있으려나? 애꿎은 그 농구장은 너를 마주치게 되는 장소 같기만 해서 가끔은 피하기도 가끔은 혹시 보게 되지 않을까 하는 생각에 한 번 더 슛을 쏘고 돌아가곤 했었어.

이렇게 짧게나마 글을 쓰고 나니 마음 정리가 많이 되더라. 친구가 나에게 말해줬어. 네가 인사하는 걸 불편해 하는 건 아직 마음이 남아 있을 수도 있는 거라고. 그 말이 맞는 건지 확인할 마음은 이제 없어. 정말 잘 지내길 바라고 있어. 끝에 가선 어떻게 될지 모르는 그런 흔한 영화들의 오픈 엔딩처럼 그렇게.

8월 - 나름 결론을 내렸어. 너와 나는 학교에서 만든 추억들이 은근 많더라. 그래서인지 너 생각이 계속 떠오르는 것 같아. 지금 만나는 사람과는 학교에서의 추억이 거의 없어서 더 그런가 싶다.

너와 시내를 같이 걷던 시간, 수줍게 약을 건네주던 시간, 예배에 함께 집중하던 시간, 동산에서 이야기하던 시간, 같은 버스를 타고 집에 가던 시간, 열람실에서 함께 공부하던 시간, 근처에서 급하게 밥 먹고 오던 시간, 편의점에 놀러가던 시간, 옥상에서 만나던 시간, 빈 강의실에서 입맞춤하던 시간.

하지만 너는 그런 추억들을 이젠 다른 사람과 쌓아 가겠지. 나는 마음 정리가 되는데 일 년 정도가 걸리나보다. 이제는 아련한 마음도 없네. 고마웠어. 추한 모습 보인 적 있다면 진심으로 사과할게. 언제 어디서나 행복하길 바란다는 축복과 함께 너와의 관계도, 이 글도 이만 마칠까 해. 잘 지내렴.

Farewell: Year 2

Year 2

4월 – 학교가 좁아도 한참은 좁은 것 같더라. 적어도 몇 백 명은 있는 학교인데 그렇게나 자주 마주치게 되고 새롭게 짜인 동아리 소그룹도 다시 같은 조가 되어버린 건 우연인지 악연인지. 하지만 어딘가 새롭게 만나는 기분이었어. 너의 마음이 활짝 열린 것 같았지. 연락은 자연스럽게 더 하게 되었고 이전보다 훨씬 더 친해지는 걸 느꼈어. 핸드폰을 하루에 몇 번은 들여다봤는지. 그 날 그렇게 오래 너와 함께 걸으며 이야기 할 줄 알았다면 신발이라도 갈아 신을 걸 그랬었나 봐. 어두운 골목길 사이사이에서도 달빛에 비친 너의 모습이 좋아 발 아픈 줄도 몰랐었나 봐. 네가 사는 곳이 신월동이라 했었나? 새로울 신, 달 월 해서 달빛아래에서 새롭게 시작하는 인연이라 생각해서 아직도 기억에 남아 있더라. 이런 것까지 적어 놓으니 정말이지 너무 오그라든다.

5월 – 넌 내가 그 때 다짐했던 것들을 알아주려나 모르겠다. 수많은 사람들이 너를 의심하고 있었어도 네가 내 눈을 바라보며 믿어달라고 한 그 말 한 마디에 다른 모든 이들의 편견을 무릅쓰고 너의 편이 되기로 한 그 마음을. 이제와 보면 참 별일이었어. 신천지로 의심 받을 건 또 뭐야?

이제는 정말 아름답게 연애를 할 수 있을 줄 알았어. 하지만 날이 갈수록 내 마음은 무거워졌어. 드라마의 주인공처럼 너의 가슴 아픈 이야기들을 듣고 품어주고 싶은 마음보단 그에 대해 성숙해야 할 나의 책임이 두려웠었지. 학업의 부담은 조금씩 목을 조여오는 듯 했고 결국 아침에는 후회를 했고 저녁에는 마냥 좋았고 이중인격자의 모습인 마냥 한결같지 못한 내 자신이 너무나도 싫었어. 그래서 며칠이 안 되어서 헤어지자고 한 거야. 그래도 불편한 사이가 되고 싶진 않았어. 매일 지나칠 수 있는 사이인데 매번 불편할 건 없자나? 근데 신기한 건 네가 잘 피했던 건지 너의 방학이 일찍 시작한 것인지 너무나도 자연스럽게 조금씩 다시 멀어져 같지.

7월 – 학기가 왜 이렇게 끝나지 않는 건지. 남들 다 방학했는데 아직 이주나 더 남았었어. 안 그래도 머릿속은 복잡하게 엉클어져 있었는데 방학까지 오지 않아서 하루는 새벽 같이 일어나서 아무 생각 없이 밖으로 달려 나간 적이 있었어. 학교 근처에 정말 큰 신천지 교회가 하나 자리 잡고 있더라. 이단 교회를 보면서 생각나는 사람이라니. 뭔가 어색한 미소가 지어지네. 잘 지내고 있을까 궁금했지만 헤어진 뒤에 연락하는 건 금기라고 수없이 들어와서 연락을 못했어. 변명인가? 사실 내가 헤어지자고 했으니 할 말은 없었지.

9월 - 게실염은 갑자기 왜 생긴 거야? 신경 쓰이게. 너 없이도 종종 학교 옥상에 올라가서 궁상맞게 멀리 내다보곤 했어. 혹시 널 또 마주치진 않을지. 하지만 늦은 시간 어두운 옥상에 여자 혼자 올라올 일은 없겠지?

11월 – 귀띔이라도 해야 한 걸까? 나도 모르는 사이에 다른 누군가와 너무나도 빠르게 친해져 있었고 이제는 정말 연애라는 것을 잘 할 수 있을 것 같은 생각이 가득했다고. 너와 나의 사이는 이미 지났는데 이런 걸 얘기하는 게 무슨 의미일지도 고민해봤어. 결론은 뭐 아무 말 없이 각자 인생을 사는 걸로 단정 지었지. 

Farewell: Year 1

일기인 마냥 날짜를 적었지만 사실 그 때 그 때 쓴 글들은 아니야. 모든 일들이 지난 후에, 그 동안 가지고 있었던 감정들이 흩날려지기 전에, 글로 남기고 싶다는 마음에 내 생각들을 적어봤어. 네가 읽게 될 일은 없겠지만.

Year 1

3월 – 너를 처음 본 건 학교가 시작하고 몇 주 뒤였을 거야. 한국의 봄은 정말 오랜만이었지. 시골이라 더욱 아름다웠던 걸까? 나무는 괜히 더 푸르러 보였고 아침에 일어났을 때에 공기는 더 맑았던 것 같아. 비록 기숙사는 엉망이었지만 새롭게 시작하는 마음에 참으로 겸손했을 때였지. 길었던 유학생활 끝에 한국에 돌아와 수많은 한국 사람들 사이에서 학교를 다닌 다는 것은 나름 어려운 일이었어. 외국에서는 한국 사람만 봐도 모두 한 가족 같았고 오랜 친구처럼 느껴졌는데 주변 모두가 한국 사람이었으니 이제는 누구와 어떻게 친해져야 할지 막막했었어. 특히 수업 첫날에는 그 큰 강의실에 학생들이 가득했지만 괜히 혼자였던 것 같은 기분이었지. 이렇게나 아름다운 날들을 함께할 만한 사람 없던 그 때 너는 무슨 생각을 하며 지냈을까?

학교 한 가운데 있던 농구장은 아마 평생 잊지 못할 거야. 왁스칠해진 매끈한 나무 바닥은 아니었고 가끔 주차장으로도 사용되던 지저분한 코트였지만 농구를 워낙 좋아했던 터라 혼자서 종종 농구를 했던 기억이 나. 그 덕분에 학교에서 농구를 하던 몇 친구들과 금세 친해지게 되었어. 그 친구들이 자연스레 동아리 모임에 나를 초대하였고 그곳에서 너를 만나게 되었던 거야.

발랄하면서도 수줍음이 많던 아이. 자신을 잘 표현하는 것 같으면서도 속마음은 꽁꽁 숨겨둔 채. 사람들과 쉽게 친해지는 것에는 자신이 있었는데 한 걸음 다가가려 할 때마다 너는 뒷걸음치는 걸 느꼈어. 그 때 너는 나에 대한 마음은 없다고 생각했고 나 역시 다시 다니기 시작한 대학이었던 만큼 학업의 부담이 많아서 그 이상 다가가고 싶지 않았어. 봄이 지날수록 학생으로서의 책임이 점점 많아지면서 그렇게 서로의 바쁜 삶으로 각자 걸어갔었지.

8월 – 방학을 하고 나선 바로 여행을 갔었어. 스트레스를 많이 받았었는지 학교를 하루라도 빨리 떠나고 싶더라. 여행을 갔던 나라에 시끄러운 일이 많았지만 나는 별로 신경이 쓰이지 않았었나 봐. 큰 도시 가운데 조용하고 평안한 골목길의 매력에 빠져서 즐겁게 방학을 시작했을 거야 아마. 마음에 있는 사람에게는 여행 갔을 때 연락을 하고 싶다고 하던데. 내가 그 때 너 생각을 했었을까? 학기 중에 종종 환하게 웃으며 나를 반겨주던 네가 아무래도 마음 한 구석에 자리 잡았었나 봐. 여행 사진은 괜히 한 번 더 찍어서 간직했었거든. 보내지도 않을 거였으면서.

별 맛도 없던 편의점 아이스크림을 같이 사 먹던 것도 왜 그렇게 재미있었을까? 학기가 끝나갈 무렵 방학 중에 영화 한편 보자고 약속한 걸 핑계로 용기 내어 연락했었는데 그 땐 네가 불편해 하던 걸 나는 눈치 채지 못했었나 봐. 그래서 영화 한 편 본 뒤로 연락이 없던 너를 이해하지 못했었지. 멀리서 온 너를 집에까지 데려다 주고 돌아오는 길에는 생각이 가득했어. 돌아오는 길에 차는 또 왜 그리 막혔던 건지. 내가 무슨 실수를 했던 건지, 영화가 재미가 없었던 건지. 손이라도 확 잡을 걸 그랬나? 마음 확인이라도 해보는 게 좋았으려나? 밥은 뭘 먹었는지 영화는 뭘 봤는지 생각조차 나질 않는다. 그렇게 또 바람 불 듯 너는 지나갔었지. 너는 너대로의 만남들을 가지며 나 역시 다른 사람들을 만나면서. 

"The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love." Psalm 145:8

"When the sun was setting, the people brought to Jesus all who had various kinds of sickness, and laying his hands on each one, he healed them." Luke 4:40

Muramasa and Masamune

Legend tells of a test where Muramasa challenged his master, Masamune, to see who could make a finer sword. They both worked tirelessly and eventually, when both swords were finished, they decided to test the results. The contest was for each to suspend the blades in a small creek with the cutting edge facing the current. Muramasa's sword, the Juuchi Yosamu (十千夜寒, "10,000 Cold Nights") cut everything that passed its way; fish, leaves floating down the river, the very air which blew on it. Highly impressed with his pupil's work, Masamune lowered his sword, the Yawarakai-Te (柔らかい手, "Tender Hands"), into the current and waited patiently. Not a leaf was cut, the fish swam right up to it, and the air hissed as it gently blew by the blade. After a while, Muramasa began to scoff at his master for his apparent lack of skill in the making of his sword. Smiling to himself, Masamune pulled up his sword, dried it, and sheathed it. All the while, Muramasa was heckling him for his sword's inability to cut anything. A monk, who had been watching the whole ordeal, walked over and bowed low to the two sword masters. He then began to explain what he had seen: The first of the swords was by all accounts a fine sword, however it is a blood thirsty, evil blade, as it does not discriminate as to who or what it will cut. It may just as well be cutting down butterflies as severing heads. The second was by far the finer of the two, as it does not needlessly cut that which is innocent and undeserving.

3:30

새벽 세시 반. 사실 이 시간에 눈이 떠진 것은 아닙니다. 곧 있으면 방학이면서도 늘 아쉬운 주말을 더 깨어 있고 싶어서 두시쯤부터 떠진 눈을 아직도 치켜들고 있는 것입니다. 배의 허전함에 이끌려 냉장고로 가는데 역시나 서울의 야경은 멋진 것 같습니다. 빗소리가 은은하게 들려오며 한양대의 불빛이 춤을 추는 것에 마음에 감사함이 절로 터져 나왔습니다. 무심코 부모님께서 주무시는 방을 들여다보니 참 하나님께서 이 가정에 너무나도 많은 축복을 주심을 느꼈습니다. 아버지 세대로부터 시작되어 할머니와 할아버지, 그리고 우리 가족 모두가 하나님의 그 크신 구원의 역사 안에 들어가게 되었습니다. 믿음의 일 세대라 그런지 하나님께서 물질적인 축복도 많이 주시는 것 같습니다. 제가 돈 개념이 많이 부족해서인지 아직 큰돈이 오가는 일을 마주하지 않아서인지 모르지만 저의 삶은 넉넉합니다. 늘 배부르며 깔끔한 새 옷을 입고 다니기 충분합니다. 하나님께서 누리라고 이 모든 것을 주심을 믿어 의심치 않습니다. 하지만 이런 누림에 불편함은 늘 조금씩 스며듭니다. 아마 아르헨티나로 의료선교를 갔었던 기억 때문인 것 같습니다.

마을 가운데에는 한 우물이 있었고 이제 막 들어오기 시작한 전기로 마을중앙에 전구하나 켠 곳에서 아이들은 기부 받은 화려한 색의 옷들을 입고 뛰놀곤 했습니다. 그 모든 것을 감싸 안는 하늘은 그림 그려놓은 듯 아름다웠습니다. 그 곳을 떠날 적엔 제가 가지고 있던 여벌옷들을 다 주고 왔었습니다. 그곳에서 선교하시던 선교사님께서는 늘 필요한 것이 없다고 하셨지만 계속 여쭤보니 콜라 한 캔 사달라고 하시곤 했습니다. 몸이 참 마르셨던 목사님이신지라 그 걸로라도 당을 채우셨으면 하는 생각을 종종했습니다. 아마 그런 기억들 때문에 도시에 저의 미래를 쉽게 맡기지 못하는 것 같습니다.

생각이 너무 많아져 글로 옮겨 적다보니 시간은 더 늦어져서 결국 아무것도 먹지 않은 채 다시 누우려합니다. 배는 고프지만 하나님의 은혜 기억에 영은 배불리 잠들 것 같습니다.