Demian. It was one of the two books I had read in the four weeks of basic military training. To be honest, I don't think I understood much of it at all. I did figure it was a struggle story of a boy coming to realization of the world and himself.
Time passed, and I got to hear a broad explanation of the story online. The narrator explained how Demian was a sort of an alternate ego of Emil Sinclair. I know the explanations and the meanings behind the story are much in-depth, but the point I related to was that everyone had two sides of their self.
I had tried to live according to rules pretty obsessively. I had to make it right. I had to be correct, and I had wanted everyone to do so as well. I knew how to get along with people as well, but this obsessiveness created a certain wall between myself and others.
That all crashed in due time. I realized that my desire to obey the rules was in turn a desire to fit in. I wanted to be loved, and that was my method. When I was forced into a place with little interaction to others, hence few rules, I started acting out. I'm not to say that I went around wreaking havoc and breaking the law, but acted out to a certain degree in my standards.
After some time of irresponsible behavior, I looked back at myself and thought how monstrously reckless I had become. The truth is, though, I was still the same person, just a series of actions under my belt. I soon realized that this would be true for all others. Everyone would have their good and bad sides. Janus, as they call it, god of two faces.
"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25
Paul, in Romans, explained this pretty clearly. A war wages within me, of good and evil. I thought I could be all good with sheer will, but this was not the case. We all were born to be both as sin had encroached us. We will never be good by ourselves, but only through Jesus. I had judged others according to their acts, and this certainly was a good measure. However, it was no good in showing mercy love.
As we are all of two sides, I learned to embraces, at least a little more than before. It is not by judgement and shunning that people change. It was only by showing the love of Jesus to others, to introduce God and his mercy upon us.
