Basic Training Flashback #18

You know why they say, "Don't shoot the messenger?" Because they always shoot the messenger. 

Company, platoon, squad. 196, 50, 12 people in each. I was selected as squad leader, mostly responsible for simply relaying messages as I was only trainee myself. 

Truth be told, I was yelled at, scolded, even cursed for just spreading news.

Honestly, it was pretty annoying. I am no saint. I have my anger issues as well, but I tried to contain it all, even all the complaints. Then, I thought about the prophets. What wrong did they ever do? 

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." Matthew 5:11-12

Basic Training Flashback #17

Basic training was not all physical. Half of the sessions were lectures on Korean war history, military mentality and war strategies. During lectures on the current status of Korea and the army, it was interesting to learn about the perspectives on the neighboring countries and the supposed threat they possess. 

As for Korea, the neighboring country is North Korea, the enemy. The acquired information states the country has enough chemical weapons to wipe out the entire world, not to mention all the nuclear bombs. Once they master the missile technology, they will hold power to kill millions of innocent lives. 

Though quiet on front ends, the next neighboring country is Japan, the only country to power through and recover from two nuclear bombings. Though devastated from crimes of World War II, the country has slowly amassed enough military power to launch an attack, though unlikely in the near future. 

On further end, China stands, the upcoming powerhouse, slowly peaking its head against the US. China also has history of meddling with Korea, specifically in the division of Korea and more. China is known for its unending manpower, easily overcrowding any country military. 

Looking on further is Russia, another sleeping giant. Russia stands tall with freezing winter to train them. Though having faltered slightly during the fall of communism, the country has bounced back well enough to hold a threat to any nation in the world. 

I could add many more about the countries around Korea, but the main message was to point out the fact that Korea stands as the Israelites have stood in the past. 

I am no scholar, but the Israelites were shown to be in constant conflict with the Egyptians, the Assyrians, the Babylonians, the Amorites, the Moabites and on. Most of the countries were also depicted to have the finest technology, weaponry. Though time on again, God has led the Israelites to victory, their sins have resulted in their downfall as well.

Here in modern times, Korea stands amidst many potential enemies. I know it is harsh to say enemies, but North Korea is indeed the enemy as South Korea is still technically in wartime, just in armistice. I am left with the question now, how are we in the eyes of God? If war breaks out, will God be for us or against us? Where should are hearts be but in repentance? 

Basic Training Flashback #16

The worst part of it all is that none of this will last. All the friendship, the joy, wealth, health, whatever. Yeah, I know, enjoy the moment. Sure, but the transience is inevitable. I know in my mind what is eternal, my heart has not learned it yet. 

Basic Training Flashback #15

Shedding. Skin, hair, tears and heart.
I close my eyes to see the ephemeral mankind; all shedding.
Blowing away with time, dust to dust. 

Basic Training Flashback #14

공동체라는 것을 이제야 조금씩 알게 되는 것 같다. 한 분대에 12명의 인원들, 그 중에 정말 비슷한 사람이 단 한명도 없다. 일을 정말 잘하는 사람, 동작이 굼뜨고 배우는 게 느린 사람. 말이 많은 사람, 적은 사람. 자주 아픈 사람, 너무나도 건강한 사람. 활발한 사람 그리고 게으른 사람.

 

하지만 또 다른 눈으로 본다면 웃음이 많은 사람, 활기찬 사람, 세심한 사람, 감성이 충만한 사람. 분위기를 이끌어가며 모두를 하나로 이어주는 사람.

 

각자 잘하는 것과 못하는 것이 다른 만큼 필요한 부분들이 채워지는 것 같다. 이런 마음을 이제야 알게 된 것이 많이 아쉽다. 그저 오게 되어 시간만 잘 보내자는 마음 하나로 뭉쳐진 이들이 이정도의 단합을 보이는데 주님을 위한다는 마음으로 모이는 교회의 가능성은 어디까지일까? 

Basic Training Flashback #13

I'm losing my thoughts quickly. The desperate humble heart is fading away with routine and familiarity. Before I forget all that God had reminded me, I wanted to write down three things.

1. Remembering to simply enjoy God's presence.
2. Remembering to stay humble before God.
3. Remembering to pray every moment, always.

Basic Training Flashback #12

균형. 원리원칙과 융통성. 위대한 지도자에게 필요한 요소인 것 같다. 어떤 것은 지켜져야 하며 어떤 것은 넘어갈 수 있는지. 더 간단히 말하면 사실 상황을 이해하는 것이 중요한 것이다. 사람을 알고 상황을 아는 것. 이곳에서 만난 한 분대장이 딱 그런 요소들은 갖추고 있다. 지킬 것을 지킬 줄 아는, 그러면서 눈감아줄 수 있는 부분에서는 넘어가는. 한 예로 청소의 미비함은 워낙 자주 청소를 시키기에 넘어가되 이제 막 온 신입 훈련병들을 향한 조롱에 대해서는 따끔한 충고를 하고 넘어가는 모습을 보며 훗날 어떤 일을 하게 되어도 잘 해낼 것 같다는 생각이 들었다. 나보다 나이가 훨씬 더 어릴 분임에도 불과하고. 

Basic Training Flashback #11

Night duty. Dark and quiet.
It's just time and yourself for hours and on. 
As I gaze blankly into the window upon the door,
I noticed my pallid reflection.
It's odd how you can always see the reflection,
but never clearly, never the face.
It is perhaps like looking into the future.
You know it's yourself, but never clearly, 
shadowed by the dark. 

Basic Training Flashback #10

내게 첫사랑이란 것이 있었을까?

 

너무 짧게 스쳐지나가 버려 아쉬움만 남았던,

생각이 너무 많아서 먼 미래의 걱정들에 마음을 접었던,

어리석음에 섣불리 다가간 후 책임의 부담에 떠났던,

그녀를 향한 내 잘못에 대한 두려움에 피했던,

그녀의 인생 타이밍에 내가 맞지 않아 헤어졌던,

나의 인생 타이밍에 그녀가 맞지 않아 헤어졌던,

처음으로 오래 사귀어 연애의 무게를 느꼈던,

아무것도 모르던 나에게 사랑을 알려주었던,

 

인연들, 축복들. 그 모든 생각들이 시간에 흩어진다.

Basic Training Flashback #9

정신교육이 추가로 있었다. 소령님께서 오신다기에 다들 긴장을 한 모양이다. 엄청난 인원이 박수와 환호성을 지르며 그를 환영하는 것을 보니 계급과 해당하는 권력이라는 것이 어떤 것인지 실감이 되었다. 사실 그렇게 오랜 시간을 보낸 것도 아니었지만 혹 나의 이름이 불린다면 그에 해당하는 혜택이 있으리라는 생각도 당연히 들었다.

 

온 우주의 창조주이신 하나님께서 내 이름을 아신다 하는데 그에 해당하는 전율은 왜 평소에도 느끼며 살지 않는 것일까?

Basic Training Flashback #8

As a small news, I became the subdivision leader, leading a group of twelve members. Not a lot of responsibility is upon me, but the weight is certainly noticeable on my shoulders. Anything I do directly reflects the well being of the subdivision, while my poor performance would show penalties. I do understand more responsibility leads to more glory, but in the corner room of my heart, I see myself sitting down quietly, just writing all day. 

Basic Training Flashback #7

느리게 흘러가는 시간. 벤자민 버튼처럼 시간이 거꾸로 가진 않았지만 차라리 그랬으면 좋겠다는 생각도 들었다. 나에게는 시간이 그저 느리게만 가기 때문이다. 무언가 남들보다 항상 늦게, 한 걸음 뒤에 걷고 있다. 친구들이 공부할 때 철없이 놀았고, 군대 갈 때 공부를 시작했고, 일을 시작하여 결혼을 할 때쯤 내가 군대를 가게 되었다. 친구들과 함께 노래방에 가서 군가를 부르며 작별하는 그 흔한 추억하나 못 만들고 들어와서 그런지 괜히 섭섭하다. 사실 이 곳에서도 나 이외에 이미 다들 알고 지낸 사이들이 많은 것 같아서 더 혼자 걷고 있는 것 같다. 혹 누군가 나를 찾아줄까 싶어도 그들은 다 각기 가정을 꾸리며 살고 있기에 그 흔한 인터넷 편지도 많이 받을 기대도 하지 않는다. 이곳을 떠나면 나 또한 배우자를 만나 가정을 꾸리겠다는 기대를 하면서도 결국 또 한 차례 늦은 걸음을 걷고 있기에 씁쓸한 마음이 돈다. 군대이기에 더 섭섭한 하루인 것 같다. 주님의 때에 알맞은 길을 걷고 있노라 믿기에 불평을 하려던 것은 아니지만 딱 이런 느낌의 하루였다. 

Basic Training Flashback #6

A week has passed, and today was the first day I felt like a man once more. Across the woods, through the winds, under the sunlight, we gathered to a remote area for CS gas training. The training was rough, some added bitter aftertaste as well, but the downtime provided us company members an opportunity to share individual lives. Though hopelessly far from the hardship station or combat soldiers experience, a glimpse of camaraderie was what I had felt.

Upon the walk back, the setting sun gently poured down, glistening the surrounds, like a choir praising the everlasting King. 

It was a good day, perhaps due the prayer that slipped out of my mouth first in the morning. I had longed to see the glory of God in a new way, one I had never seen before. All thanks to the Lord. 

Basic Training Flashback #5

Anger and frustration simmers, boiling.
Thoughts wildly cross different dimensions.
Yet, one room still glows.
Wonder and awe fills my mind.
Hope takes form of the cross.
To my one and only, Jesus Christ.

Basic Training Flashback #4

Thanks to God! Always providing at the right time. I grew tired and weary of it all, simply crying out for help. Through the sunrise, friends, letters and calls, He filled my spirit with joy and thanksgiving. I guess I still need to learn to wait, thirsting for His day.

Basic Training Flashback #3

The broad emptiness spoke to my heart as lonesome emptiness. 
Not a cloud in sight, not a thought in mind. 
As night began to slither, the darkened soul was met with beauty unmatched.
The setting sun spread vastly upon my eyes, glowing.
Nature itself shouting, "All glory and praise only to you, the King!"
Shine upon my life, in my deepest sorrow, as day, as night. 

Basic Training Flashback #2

To that nameless someone,

   There is so much I would say about the time I spent in the military. The first few days were brutally difficult. Thousands gathered in one place, each with their own story lost amidst the uniform, locked at heart. My immature self needed time to adjust, to recognize that my uniqueness was no more. This pen and paper may be the only source of light that still shines as memories to the one lost for all, soon to take form as an individual, unique, special.

   Thank you for the time spent reading this. Thank you for your prayers. 

Basic Training Flashback #1

미적지근. 군생활을 설명할 유일한 단어인 것 같다. 특별히 괴롭지는 않지만 특별히 좋지는 않다. 기쁘지도 슬프지도 않은 그런 시간들. 아니, 그저 생각이 없는 것 같다. 생각을 하지 않는다면 시간이 괜히 더 빠르게 흐를 것 같아서이다. 그렇게 내 속사람을 묻어간다. 이것이 최선일 것이라는 기대만을 가지고. 

굳이 이야기하자면 제일 우울하게 할 것 같은 일은 지금 이 상태나 밖에 나가서의 상태나 별반 다를 것이 없을 것 같은 것이다. 그때도 지금도 앞으로도 정처없이 떠돌기만 할 것 같은 이 기분. 일어나야해서 일어나고, 먹어야해서 먹고, 입고, 씻고, 뛰고, 자고. 마음을 불 태우는 그 어떤 목표나 바램이 없는 모습. 나는 아직 주님의 그 비전을 기다린다고 하고 싶다. 들리지 않고 보이지 않지만 그 날의 희망이 없다면 사실 사나 죽으나 의미가 없음이 마찬가지인 것 같다.

막상 쓰고 보니 군생활이 힘들긴 한가보다. 우울함이 묻어나는 글인 것 같다. 

Break Notice

Off to basic training.
Be back in April 6th. 

Gatekeeper

This barren land, wretched and foul, spread vastly upon me. What few vultures that roamed around have become a rare sight. Scorched to hold no life, the ground lay still. Yet, this place had a wall, even a gate. The walls stood tall, at least five stories. I had never climbed the stairs, but no one bothered to attack these grounds anyways. Watchtowers, beacons, remains of heavy artillery, were all simply rusting away. At the center, old stone doors creak as to speak on behalf of the hinges that had seen many years. The gates were rather sturdy, but the engravings seemed to have faded. I did not care much for it.

I had been in charge of guarding the grounds for quite some time, but, honestly, I knew very little of it. My father had been in charge before me, and my grandfather, and my ancestors and on. I knew that I had to one day take my father’s place, but time came earlier than expected. Despite my best appeal, I had to leave my young ambitions aside to watch over this area. I could still taste the bitterness, this dead end desert. I did not blame my father, though. He woke up one night with pain in his left hip. He tried to work by using a walking stick, but I guess all was too much for him to bear anymore.

I had only visited my father working here once as a child. He was very proud of what he was doing, though it did not seem like much work at all. He opened the gates to the walls at sunrise. At sunset, he closed it. This was all that he did. This was all that I was to do. When the sun was up, I would sit in the sentry box. At night, I would head to the barrack at the corner of the wall.

The local merchant would bring me supplies for a week or two, mostly dried non-perishables. Once in a while, I would get letters as well. Family came to visit occasionally. Friends, they used to, but less so as they had their own lives to live. Also, once a year, an official would come by and wander around as if looking for something. He would soon leave without saying much.

Sunrise. Sunset. Waking up. Sleeping. Each day would come and go. People would come and go. Days began to blur, and I could not tell if it was yesterday, today or tomorrow. The mornings became annoying. The evenings were just about the same. Everything about this place started to bother me, so I decided to leave.

I left the gates closed, and headed to the nearest town. I planned to relax for about a week or so. I was not too interested in the booze and the women. I just wanted to enjoy a fresh meal and good company. A few days past, and I was minding my own business only to hear about news of small disasters around town. There was news about incidents of crops dying and petty thieveries. Just yesterday, an old building crumbled. Luckily no one was hurt. There seemed to be a rise in some disease. The doctors were sure busy. Honestly, I think I heard about news of war brimming as well. I could tell the town was no longer going to be quiet, so I decided to leave a bit early. The place I was staying at was having trouble getting supplies of fresh produce anyways.

                                                                                         

It was already late when I got back. The stars certainly were shining brighter. I could even feel sweetness in the gentle breeze that was never present. I suspected I was in a good mood. I even thought I saw butterflies.

My pleasant dream was interrupted by the sound of birds chirping. Birds, not vultures. I also realized that I had not imagined seeing the butterflies. Something was different. There was moisture in the air, a sense of life brimming.

As I approached the gates, I saw that it was glowing. My heart began to pound only to skip a beat as I had opened the doors.

A pair of scared rabbits scurried off, and I saw there in front of me a path of flowers laid, various kinds, ones I had never seen before. It led up to higher grounds, logs leading as stairs. As I opened through the vines hanging like veils, there it was, a throne, built from roots. Light seemed to directly shine upon it, glimmering through the leaves. Two trees over laid the throne across each other with the branches gently swaying.

Fear struck my heart, but it was not the concern for my life. Rather, it was of awe, a fearful respect for something greater. My legs began to tremble.

Suddenly, the throne set fire. All went ablaze, and it took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. I rushed out towards the gates, running for my life.

As soon as I reached the gates, I turned to the stairs. I had to get to the beacon. I had to ask for help. I had never run so fast. Each stair adding to the already weighted heart, I finally reached the top, only to see the place completely empty again.

The next day, I received a letter from my father. He was concerned about the news of clamor amidst the neighbors. He was wondering if there had been any trouble here. He added that he would visit again soon. I wrote back to him saying there was no need, for now I knew the purpose of this place, the reason my generations of ancestors decided to protect these grounds. Surely the palace for a king, and I did not know it.

Genesis 28:16

Cherishing the Moment

Despite

the loud noises
the flashing lights
the chilling breeze
the putrid smells
the bitterness taste

this moment is a gift
this existence, a blessing

for the love of God is too incredibly overflowing