혹시나 너에게

그렇게 힘들다고 하더니 아무렇지도 않게 다른 사람과 잘 만나는 그 마음을 무엇일까, 이런 말을 하면서 나 역시 아무렇지도 않게 다른 사람 잘 만나는 위선은 뭘까. 언젠간 다시 만나게 될 수 있지 않을까, 그런 건 영화에서나 볼 수 있는 장면이고 현실은 내가 노력을 해야 하는 것이 아닐까. 그렇게나 밀어내고 왜 이제 와서 그러는 걸까, 사실 이번엔 내가 밀어낸 게 아니지 않았을까. 과연 지난날들을 용서받을 수 있을까, 언젠간 너의 품에서 잠들고 깰 수 있을까. 너무나도 보고 싶고 연락하고 싶은 마음은 왜 한가득일까, 이젠 정말 끝이어야 할 것만 같은 건 왤까. 연락하면 이전처럼 자연스럽게 다시 사랑을 나누며 지낼 수 있지 않을까, 오히려 차단당해서 연락조차 닫지 않지 않을까. 좋은 날에는 너무나도 좋기만 한건 왤까, 나쁜 날에는 꼴도 보기 싫은 건 왤까. 여전히 네가 행복했으면 하는 마음은 진심일까, 여전히 네가 행복했으면 하는 마음은 위선일까. 잘해주지 못해 미안한 마음은 언제까지 갈까, 앞으로 잘해주면 그 모든 것이 용서되지 않을까. 돌아와 달라는 말을 너무나도 하고 싶은 건 진심일까, 다시 말을 걸어줄 때 정녕 용서받은 것으로 알고 한평생 함께 해달라고 고백해도 될까.

San Diego Story

I was recently in San Diego for a conference. The conference was on obesity, and apparently a lot of Family Medicine doctors are a part of it. Anyways, besides being in Miami for a brief day or so, it was the first time visiting the US again after nearly 10 years.

I first landed in LA to spend a day with my cousin, whom I have not seen in a long time as well. I got to tour around the neighborhood for nearly half a day. After passing out for a whole 8 hours, I drove down to SD.

I had a couple of days to roam around SD as well. I visited places downtown, the local malls and the San Diego Park as well. I even remember taking a jog at some trail, where there was nothing but endless views of rocks and shrubs.

At that point, I realized that nothing really had changed here. It was just that I had changed. I had learned more. I had seen more. It was the little things that really got to me.

All the news of Asian hate crimes, the gun issues, the homeless owning an entire street. Just being there alone, all by myself had be lonely and scared as well. The dynamics of interactions were different, the conversations too. I'm sure all of this was present 10 years ago as well. I probably just never noticed it.

I was so longing to be back in the States, but I realized it was just the younger days that I desired. The people and the opportunities, the time well spent together. Those were what I was hoping for.

I was feeling pretty sad about everything in Korea, especially where my life seemed to have landed. I felt like such a loser with my job, with my economic situation. The week spent in the States, however, made me realize that I was living a pretty good life. I was just making myself seem little. I was just angry and disappointed at God.

Seeing my cousin just living his life there helped me out as well. He bought himself a house. He had a fiancee. Life, love and growing old. He was just going through it all, and it was okay. I realized that was just how people lived on.

I ran across a passage when I was there: "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

I began to hope again. I began to dream again. I realized that God would again lead me on to different joys in life, different situations, different adventures. I would blow like the wind, along with the Holy Spirit. Though only for a few days, I felt like I left my baggage.

Time to move on.