Collab: MayFly, Part 2

[GrasDeo]

실기와 필기에 필요한 건 작은 용기와 끈기

그리고 하염 없는 여러분의 온기

 

[MayFly]

그리고 주님을 위한 동기

내 삶 주위 공기에 뿜는 그분의 향기

 

[GrasDeo]

그분의 발 앞에 모두 모여 옹기종기

 

[MayFly]

살아계신 말씀 앞에 들어 올려 나의 백기

Directions from God?

We often find ourselves before life situations and wonder what the will of God may be. In reading the Bible, it seems quite obvious what God wills for his followers. In the case for Elijah, God sends Elijah to Zarephath.

“Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and dwell there. Behold, I have commanded a widow there to feed you.” 1 Kings 17:9

At first glance, it is easy to think to ourselves, why does God tell him exactly what to do? Why not me? Questions such as “what job should I take,” “where should I live,” and “whom should I marry?” are all valid questions before God. At a second look however, plus a bit of research, it is quite clear that God’s command is nowhere near clear command.

Elijah right before this moment was told to hide himself in brook Cherith. Zarephath, from Cherith, was a bit less than 80 miles, a good two to three day journey. God had not said anything about the journey to Zarephath. He had not mentioned a thing about food along the way, nor thoughts on shelter. Sure, the journey could have been something that was familiar to Elijah, but Zarephath was known to have been a developed city from the active trade due well established harbor. Imagine how many widows there could have been in a city crowded by many people coming and going.

Upon closer inspection, God’s commanded had not even specified a time of stay. Yet, Elijah walked on towards Zarephath. He met his widow that was to feed him, and he stayed there until the time set for Him from God.

It could very well be that God really is not speaking to us with specific directions. It also could be that we are so used to weighing out what is in front of us, too much so that we neglect the vague messages left for us from God. Fear hinders us from taking the steps. A lack of faith in God’s everlasting grace stops us amidst the unknowingness.

Open my ears and my eyes, more so my fear stricken heart, that I may courageously walk upon the path you have set before me. 

"Yesterday" by Atmosphere

"Yesterday" by Atmosphere

I thought I saw you yesterday
But I didn't stop, 'cause you was walkin' the opposite way
I guess I could've shouted out your name
But even if it was you, I don't know what I would say
We could sit and reminisce about the old school
Maybe share a cigarette, because we both fools
Chop it up and compare perspectives
Life, love, stress and set-backs, yes
So you could tell me how hard you had it
And you could show me all the scars to back it
And we could analyze each complaint
Break it down and explain these mistakes I make
I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry
But you knew me back when I was a younger me
You seen Sean in all types of light
And I've been meanin' to ask you if I'm doin' alright

Yesterday
Was that you? Looked just like you
Strange thangs my imagination might do
Take a breath, reflect on what we been through
Or am I just goin' crazy 'cause I miss you?

I'm shook, I know, I pushed when I should've pulled
Took it all back if I could, I put that on my soul
And I would make a top-notch good listener
If you could block-off a little time out to give it here
Since we went our separate paths
I've hit a couple snags that remind me of the past
I can't front, I'm havin' a blast
But damned if I ain't afraid of how long it's gonna last
Sittin' here wishin' we could kick it
Give me your opinions, I do miss the criticisms
I didn't mean to be distant, make a visit
I'll wait up and keep the coffee brewin' in the kitchen
But who am I jokin' with?
There's no way that you and I will ever get to re-open it
It doesn't matter, this is more than love
And maybe if I'm lucky, get to see you out the corner of

Yesterday
Was that you? Looked just like you
Strange thangs my imagination might do
Take a breath, reflect on what we been through
Or am I just goin' crazy 'cause I miss you?

And when you left, I didn't see it comin'
I guess I slept, it ain't like you was runnin'
You crept out the front door slow
And I was so self-absorbed I didn't even know
And by the time I looked up it was booked up
Put it all behind you, the bad and the good stuff
A whole house full of dreams and steps
I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept
You disappeared but the history is still here
It's why I try not to cry over spilt beer
I can't even get mad that you're gone
Leavin' me was probably the best thing you ever taught me
I'm sorry, it's official
I was a fist-full, I didn't keep it simple
Chip on the shoulder, anger in my veins
Had so much hatred, now it brings me shame
Never thought about the world without you
And I promise that I'll never say another bad word about you
I thought I saw you yesterday
But I knew it wasn't you, 'cause you passed away, dad

Looked just like you
Strange thangs my imagination might do
Take a breath, reflect on what we been through
Or am I just goin' crazy 'cause I miss you?

김양재의 [절대순종] 에서

전신에 암이 퍼진 무연고자가 응급실에 실려 왔습니다. 술 냄새와 악취를 풍기는 그는 끊임없이 욕을 퍼부으며 응급실을 소란스럽게 했습니다. 한 달 뒤 다시 중환자실에 실려 온 그는 욕창이 전신에 퍼졌고 상처에서는 고름이 흘렀습니다. 그는 무의식 상태에서도 자꾸 음식 공급 튜브를 뽑으려 했습니다. 이런 그에게 20년 전 헤어졌다는 아내가 찾아왔습니다. 여인은 고름을 닦아 내고, 튜브로 음식을 공급하고, 틈나는 대로 성경을 읽어 주며 기도했습니다. 그녀를 사랑하다며 끈질기게 쫓아다녀 결혼했던 남편은 둘째를 임신한 아내를 버리고 외도해 집을 나갔고, 부인은 혼자 두 아이를 키웠습니다. 죽음을 앞둔 남편을 둘러 싸고 그녀는 두 아이와 기도했습니다. "하나님, 이 사람이 제게 주었던 사랑과 그 사랑으로 받은 소중한 아이들 덕분에 행복했습니다. 이제 떠나보내야 하지만 언제나 사랑했다고, 고마웠다고 전하고 싶습니다." 그 기도에 중환자실에 있던 모두 눈물을 흘렸습니다. 기도가 끝난 뒤 남자는 호흡기를 떼고 숨을 거뒀습니다.

진노의 그릇으로 끝날 가정이 한 여인으로 인해 긍휼의 그릇이 되었습니다. 힘들었던 20년의 시간도, 남편도 원망하지 않고 감사로 받았기에 그 여인은 하나님의 영광을 나타내는 귀한 그릇이 되었습니다. 이것이 하나님의 선택입니다. 좋은 환경이나 대단한 업적이 아니라 어떤 일에도 감사하며 하나님의 옳으심을 인정하는 것이 그분의 영광을 담는 가장 귀한 그릇입니다.

[절대 순종] - 김양재

License Exams

CPX/OSCE - 10.26
KMLE - 1.5-6

The Gospel of the Coming Kingdom

For some time now, a constant message of the Gospel has been fed to me. Small group sessions are about it. Quiet time message is on Romans and, to top it off, there is a new Benhur movie coming out.

As a Christian, it is easy to come across the word “Gospel” many times, but no one really sits you down to teach it.

Creation, sin, the impending doom, God’s promise of salvation, the coming kingdom, death, resurrection and the end.

This is the short summary of the world that we live in according to the Bible. The death of the world as well as the death of self. Actual death and the spiritual death. There are many more topics of discussion and education, but for now, I will focus on the coming kingdom.

In essence, Jesus states that the kingdom of God is already here as seen in Matthew 12:28.

“But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.”

Israelites back then expected a savior to rise, one that will overthrow governments and oppression. God had planned otherwise. Thus, when Jesus spoke of the kingdom, it was nothing as limited to the world, rather a spiritual concept that shall seep through and change the intellectual as well as the physical.

The kingdom is here, and we are free to enter it. Or, more like we are allowed to be a part of it. His kingdom consists of his reign. That is what the kingdom is all about. Through the cross, we have been reconciled. We are able to enter in his governance.

That is precisely what Jesus was talking about. We imagine a sudden change in our lives to happen, like a shift in the Matrix, life circumstances changing drastically in our favor. It might. It definitely can, but the focus is in our constant communication, a steady walk with God.

Now coming back to the question of what is the Gospel. What is it? It is the good news that we are not able to be with God, to walk with Him in his kingdom. 

기다림

안녕이라는 그 작은 말 하나에

세상을 다 가진 자의 웃음과

깊은 절망에 있는 자의 슬픔이

공존할 수 있다는 신비.

너와 헤어진 후, 지나가는 시간 속에

수많은 만남과 이별들이 있었어.

그 모든 것을 뒤로한지 얼마가 지났을까?

문득 네 생각이 나더라,

너를 기다려야겠다는 마음과 함께.

다시 만날 수 없을 걸 잘 알지만

혹시라도 너의 상처에

도움이 될 수 있진 않을까,

그 작은 희망 하나만으로도

이제는 아마 영원을 기다릴 수 있을 것 같아.

김경섭의 [리더십의 고지 이렇게 점령하라] 에서

무디 목사가 잠시 휴식을 취하러 스코트랜드의 한 마을에 갔을 때, 이를 알게 된 마을 사람들의 간청에 못 이겨 집회를 인도하게 되었습니다. 놀랍게도 병자들이 낫고, 죄인이 회개하고, 심령이 뒤집어지는 은혜의 역사가 있었습니다. 사람들은 기뻐했지만, 무디 목사는 "기도 없이는 부흥이 없는데, 휴식하러 온 곳에서 큰 부흥을 경험하니 이해가 안 된다."라고 의아해했습니다.

그러자 그 지역 교회의 목사가 말했습니다. "저희 교회에 17년 동안 전심 마비로 누워 있는 형제가 10년간 해 온 기도가 무디 목사님을 초청해 영적 부흥을 일으키는 것이었습니다." 무디 목사가 그에게 찾아가 그동안 사탄의 시험이 없었는지 묻자, 그는 이렇게 말했습니다. "사탄은 제게 '하나님은 안 계신다. 하나님이 계신다면 네가 17년이나 누워 있을 리 없다.'라고 속삭입니다. 또 하나님이 계시더라도 나를 사랑하지 않는다고 하지요. 나를 사랑하신다면, 왜 고쳐 주지 않으시겠냐고요. 그때마다 나는 '사탄아, 네 설명은 그럴듯하지만, 내게는 예수의 사랑이 각인되어 있다. 예수 이름으로 명하노니 떠나가라.'라고 합니다."

부흥은 그냥 이뤄지지 않습니다. 예상치 못한 이 마을의 놀라운 부흥은 전신이 마비된 성도가 10년 동안 해 온 간절한 기도 덕이었습니다. 힘들고 어려운 현실 속에서 우리가 의지할 수 있는 분은 하나님밖에 없습니다.

[리더십의 고지 이렇게 점령하라]  - 김경섭

by Drazool from reddit, on Pixel Dungeon

She stopped, frozen, at the heavy oaken door, and eyed the light emerging from the door's borders. From some neglected corner of her mind, recognition. 

Sunlight.. she muttered to herself. How long had it been? In the eternal gloom of the Dungeon, she had long ago given up on tracking the days. The light illuminated disused memories. She remembered her training, long days of arduous practice with 'rang and blade, of log keeping, and map making. She remembered the mantras and disciplines intended to allow her to retain some semblance of sanity as she plumbed the unknown depths. What she didn't remember, couldn't remember, were people. 

She remembered their voices, their commands, and their warnings, but not their faces, nor their touch.

Pain had trained her. Remember the dangers, always the dangers. Rabid animals, undead, insane brigands, and cunning ninjas had fallen before her. She had cut, burned, stabbed, and poisoned her way through abominations, demons, clockwork abominations, and insane necromancers. Even Gods had fallen before her. 

She had tracked Yog through Heaven and Hell, before silencing his corrupting whispers forever. Even then, there was work to be done. Yog was a servant of one even more occult and powerful than himself. 

So she delved further, deeper. The old wizard's journal, still radiating power, had shown her the path. With the magic in its pages, she traveled to a wild new land, a tiny village ensconced in a mighty forest. There, she finally tracked the evil to its labyrinthine source, and vanquished all who stood before her.

Now, in the faint daylight, she examined herself in a pool of cavewater. Her body was warped almost beyond recognition by magic. Her skin, pale to the point of translucency, was caked with dirt, grime and soot. Her necklace of rings could pay a kings ransom, and her holster of wands contained enough magical energy to lay waste to armies. She gripped her weapons, literally fine enough to cut down the very gods. Truly, she had become master of this dark realm, this wasteland of despair.

She had chased evil to the far corners of the multiverse, but now she was paralyzed with fear. What if they reject her? What if they don't? How could she interact with there people anymore? Hell, she had lost count of the times death had claimed her, only to be pulled from its icy grasp.

No, there was no place for her in the light, not anymore. She turned from the meager light, and descended into the dark, perhaps for the last time.

by drazool from reddit - on Pixel Dungeon

Fixer-Upper

Jesus didn't come with a blazing sword.
He came with a hammer and some nails. 

Get to Know Him

I’m not doing this because I have free time. I do this because it is the only lasting meaning in life. You say you are busy, that you have no time. God is more important than what you are doing right now. Stop making excuses.

Or instead of saying you don’t have time, just say you don’t really know, that you don’t know why God is so important.

There is a big difference between ignorance and unknowing. Open up your mind, open up your heart. Make the effort to learn more about Him. 

Lost and Alone

“All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned — everyone — to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” Isaiah 53:6

“’What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’’” Luke 15:4-6

Ever since the school load lightened, I was able to work out every morning. I do get lazy quite often, but the TV in front of the running machine really helps with the jog. Watching a movie while running helps me add a couple more miles, and I got to see quite a few movies lately.

The latest movie I watched was Home Alone 2. Kevin has once again been left by himself, this time in New York. The story is quite similar, where Kevin makes fools of the two criminals, but the scene that left a mark in my heart was when Kevin’s mother aimlessly wanders the streets of New York in hopes to find Kevin. She walks down asking anyone if they have seen the boy in the picture.

The scene is but a few seconds, but it reminded me of how God was desperately searching for us, even at this moment.

Of course the movie ends in a happy ending, but was this to be the case for our lives?

The problem with us is that it just has been too long for us to realize that we are truly lost. We have lived our lives alone, for years on. We have forgotten our call to a family of church, to our father, our creator, simply living on aimlessly.

Kevin’s mother searched for him desperately, because she knew that he would be in danger of society, that he was still yet incapable of living alone. We too are incapable of living this life by ourselves. Yet we feel like we have been thrown out into the wild. We have survived and we have endured. I do not want to bring down the amazing feat of mankind, but it is time to realize that God has been behind all of it, that we need to remember and acknowledge him.

This is YOUR story. This is YOUR God. Let’s go home. 

심심해서 써본 핑거밴드 자작랩

담배 피기 시작한 게 언제부터인가

그저 어울리고 싶던 어린 애의 마음

밀려오는 고지서를 태우려는 발버둥

집 떠난 슬픔 대변하는 군인 향수

숨 막히는 게 과연 담배 때문인가

사랑 메말라간 사회 때문이-겠지

이해한다는 그 따스한 한 마디

사실 원해던 건 그거 하나 아니었나

Oh Uh 

상상했던 그 현실과는 너무 다르다는 걸

Oh Uh 

어릴 때는 이럴 거란 얘기하나 없었다는 걸

Oh Uh 

그래도 힘을 내 꽁초 튕기면서 시작해

Oh Uh 

너는 할 수 있어 우리 모두 믿고 있잖아

Beats: BL&ZICO - Boys and Girls

Psalm 26

Vindicate me, LORD, for I have led a blameless life;
I have trusted in the LORD and have not faltered.

Test me, LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind;
for I have always been mindful of your unfailing love and have lived in reliance on your faithfulness.

I do not sit with the deceitful, nor do I associate with hypocrites.
I abhor the assembly of evildoers and refuse to sit with the wicked.
I wash my hands in innocence, and go about your altar, LORD,
proclaiming aloud your praise and telling of all your wonderful deeds.

LORD, I love the house where you live, the place where your glory dwells.
Do not take away my soul along with sinners, my life with those who are bloodthirsty,
in whose hands are wicked schemes, whose right hands are full of bribes.
I lead a blameless life; deliver me and be merciful to me.

My feet stand on level ground; In the great congregation I will praise the LORD.

Psalm 26

What else then shall be said?
When shall I boldly proclaim such words?
One day, soon enough.
I will rise

Humility in Ground

“All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return.” Ecclesiastes 3:20

The word humility means to be humble, to acknowledge self and others, to respect and so forth.

It derives from the Latin word “humilis,” which may further reach back into the word “humus,” meaning “of the earth” or “rooted in ground.”

To be humble, to be of the earth, to know that the end is the earth, dust to dust, into the hands of God. 

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav’nly-pensive Contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing Melancholy reigns,
What means this tumult in a vestal’s veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love!—From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.

Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal’d,
Nor pass these lips, in holy silence seal’d:
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where, mix’d with God’s, his lov’d idea lies:
O write it not, my hand—the name appears
Already written—wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks, which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg’d with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-eyed virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Tho’ cold like you, unmov’d and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav’n’s while Abelard has part,
Still rebel Nature holds out half my heart;
Nor prayers nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages taught to flow in vain.

Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breathed in sighs, still usher’d with a tear.
I tremble too, where’er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o’erflow,
Led thro’a safe variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with’ring in my bloom,
Lost in a convent’s solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench’d th’ unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, Love and Fame.

Yet write, O write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this power away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare;
Love but demands what else were shed in prayer.
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.

Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it, give me all thy grief.
Heav’n first taught letters for some wretch’s aid,
Some banish’d lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires;
The virgin’s wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.

Thou know’st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach’d me under Friendship’s name;
My fancy form’d thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th’ all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp’ring every ray,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day,
Guiltless I gazed; Heav’n listen’d while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail’d to move?
Too soon they taught me ’t was no sin to love:
Back thro’ the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish’d an angel whom I loved a man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them that Heav’n I lose for thee.

How oft, when press’d to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which Love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies.
Let Wealth, let Honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove;
Fame, Wealth, and Honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires,
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world’s great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I ’d scorn ’em all:
Not Cæsar’s empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
O happy state! when souls each other draw,
When Love is liberty, and Nature law:
All then is full, possessing and possess’d,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev’n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be),
And once the lot of Abelard and me.

Alas, how changed! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard had opposed the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress’d,
Let tears and burning blushes speak the rest.

Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar’s foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss’d the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembled, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav’n scarce believ’d the conquest it survey’d,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the cross my eyes were fix’d, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour’d let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press’d;
Give all thou canst—and let me dream the rest.
Ah, no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes!
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.

Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy prayer.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You raised these hallow’d walls; the desert smil’d,
And Paradise was open’d in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father’s stores
Our shrines irradiate or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv’n,
Here bribed the rage of ill-requited Heav’n;
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker’s praise.
In these lone walls (their day’s eternal bound),
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown’d,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light,
Thy eyes diffused a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten’d all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
’T is all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others’ prayers I try,
(O pious fraud of am’rous charity!)
But why should I on others’ prayers depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah, let thy handmaid, sister, daughter, move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines, that o’er yon rocks reclin’d,
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand’ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze—
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid:
But o’er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades every flower, and darkens every green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only Death can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev’n then shall my cold dust remain;
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till ’t is no sin to mix with thine.

Ah, wretch! believ’d the spouse of God in vain,
Confess’d within the slave of Love and man.
Assist me, Heav’n! but whence arose that prayer?
Sprung it from piety or from despair?
Ev’n here, where frozen Chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn’d to Heav’n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
’T is sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th’ offender, yet detest th’ offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish Penitence from Love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch’d, so pierced, so lost as mine:
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain—do all things but forget!
But let Heav’n seize it, all at once ’t is fired;
Not touch’d, but rapt; not waken’d, but inspired!
O come! O teach me Nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself—and You:
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot;
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resign’d;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;
Desires composed, affections ever ev’n;
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav’n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp’ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th’ unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes;
For her the spouse prepares the bridal ring;
For her white virgins hymeneals sing;
To sounds of heav’nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures of unholy joy.
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch’d away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving Nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee!
Oh curst, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking demons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o’er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake:—no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say:
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more! methinks we wand’ring go
Thro’ dreary wastes, and weep each other’s woe,
Where round some mould’ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow’d rocks hang nodding o’er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

For thee the Fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long dead calm of fix’d repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv’n,
And mild as opening gleams of promised Heav’n.

Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check’d; Religion disapproves;
Ev’n thou art cold—yet Eloisa loves.
Ah, hopeless, lasting flames; like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th’ unfruitful urn!

What scenes appear where’er I turn my view;
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue;
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me:
Thy voice I seem in every hymn to hear,
With every bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown’d,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.

While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind virtuous drops just gath’ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is opening on my soul:
Come, if thou dar’st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav’n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows and those tears,
Take back my fruitless penitence and prayers;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode:
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God! 

No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate’er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view),
Long lov’d, ador’d ideas, all adieu!
O Grace serene! O Virtue heav’nly fair!
Divine Oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming Hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And Faith, our early immortality!
Enter each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!

See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propt on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch’d the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound:
‘Come, sister, come! (it said, or seem’d to say)
Thy place is here, sad sister, come away;
Once, like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray’d,
Love’s victim then, tho’ now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep;
Ev’n superstition loses ev’ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here.’

I come, I come! prepare your roseate bowers,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flowers.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin’d in breasts seraphic glow;
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day:
See my lips tremble, and my eyeballs roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah, no—in sacred vestments mayst thou stand,
The hallow’d taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me, to die.
Ah then, thy once lov’d Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev’ry motion, pulse, and breath be o’er,
And ev’n my Abelard be lov’d no more.
O Death, all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we doat on, when ’t is man we love.

Then too, when Fate shall thy fair frame destroy
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy),
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown’d,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round;
From opening skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.

May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o’er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand’ring lovers brings,
To Paraclete’s white walls and silver springs,
O’er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov’d,
‘O may we never love as these have lov’d!’

From the full choir, when loud hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion’s self shall steal a thought from Heav’n,
One human tear shall drop, and be forgiv’n.
And sure if Fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn’d whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more,—
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well,
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint them who shall feel them most.