Prayer of Love #15432

Let me never take her for granted
Let me cherish every moment with her
Let me never grow lazy in loving

I regret all the times I grew impatient.
I regret all the doubts I had towards your preparations.

Forgive me for I knew not how wonderful she was

Let me grow every passionate in all aspects of life
Let me be full of integrity, of honesty, of love

Bye Scotty

“심령이 가난한 자는 복이 있나니 천국이 그들의 것임이요” 마태복음 5:3

친구가 죽었다는 소식을 듣고 춘천으로 돌아오는 길에 들은 설교 말씀 본문입니다. 심령이 가난한 자는, 마음이 가난한 자는 복이 있다고 합니다. 가난하다는 게 무엇일까, 지금 제가 느끼는 마음이 가난함인지는 모르겠습니다.

미국에서 고등학교를 다닐 때 굉장히 친했던 친구였습니다. 4년간 학교에서 축구팀을 같이 들어 친해지게 된 아이였는데, 어딘가 정신이 살짝 나가있는 듯했지만 항상 밝고 의리가 있는 친구였습니다. 그의 부모님은 이혼을 하셨기에, 친구는 큰 2층 집에서 아버지와 남동생이랑 살았습니다. 그래서인지 놀러 가면 항상 조용하고 어딘가 적적한 느낌이 들었습니다.

그 친구 집 지하실에서 게임도 하고, 영화도 보고, 맥주(?!)도 마시고, 웃고 떠들며 고등학교 시절을 보냈습니다. 서로 다른 대학을 가게 되고 소식은 정말 가끔씩 듣게 되었습니다. 취미 삼아 한두 번 만들어본 위조 신분증을 팔기까지 하다 경찰에 붙잡혀서 벌금 및 인생에 나름의 빨간 줄을 받게 되었습니다. 그러는 바람에 대학을 끝마쳤는지 그만뒀는지도 확실하지 않게 캘리포니아로 이사를 가 웹사이트를 만들어주는 업을 찾고 그나마 자리를 잡아갔다고 들었습니다. 그 모든 시간 가운데 정신적 질환으로 상담치료와 약도 처방받았다고 합니다.

이 정도 삶이라면 그의 마음이 가난했다고 볼 수 있을지 모르겠습니다. 하지만 한편으로 상황과 마음은 항상 동일시되지 않는 것 같기도 합니다. 가톨릭 고등학교를 다녔고 부모님도 신앙이 어느 정도 있으셨는데 그가 예수님을 인격적으로 만난 것 같지는 않았습니다. 언젠간 제게 했던 말은 하나님이 선하시다면 왜 그렇게 많은 사람들을 죽였냐는 것이었습니다. 성경에 기록된 숫자만 봐도 자기는 믿을 수 없다고 했습니다.

이런 그가 죽기 전에 예수님을 영접했는지, 예수님과의 관계가 형성되었었는지 알고 싶었지만 혹 그가 하나님을 모르고 떠났다면 그 자체로 너무나도 큰마음의 무게가 될 것 같아서 차마 그 어느 누구에게도 물어보지 못하고 있습니다. 그를 위해 기도를 한번도 안 해줬다는 생각이 들어서 더 그런 것 같습니다.

“애통하는 자는 복이 있나니 그들이 위로를 받을 것임이요“ 마태복음 5:4

일주일 뒤에 만나기로 약속한 친구들이 많았는데 차 사고로 인해 중환자실에서 며칠 버티다 그만 떠났다고 합니다. 그렇게 너무나도 순식간에 한 생명이 사라져버렸습니다. 

저에게는 개인적으로 다가온 일이라 더 크게 반응하는 것이 당연하겠지만 세상엔 이보다도 더 슬픈 일들이 많은 것 같습니다. 그런 슬픔들 앞에 저를 왕 같은 제사장으로 부르신 것치곤 제가 다른 이들을 위해 기도를 하지 않고 삽니다. 찰나의 스쳐가는 감정적인 슬픔이 아니라 애통함으로 하나님 앞에 무릎 꿇은 적이 언제인지 기억도 나지 않습니다. 마음이 찢어지고 밥도 못 먹고 숨도 쉬기 어려울 정도의 괴로움으로 하나님께 나아가면, 약속하신 그 위로를 받으리라 믿고 싶습니다. 그 위로를 기대하며 하나님 앞에 나아가길 바랍니다. 그 가정에 하나님의 위로가 찾아오고, 그의 영혼 역시 하나님 앞에 안전하게 거하고 있기를 기도합니다. 

Records of Human Life

"The Voyager Golden Records are two phonograph records that were included aboard both Voyager spacecraft launched in 1977. The records contain sounds and images selected to portray the diversity of life and culture on Earth, and are intended for any intelligent extraterrestrial life form, or for future humans, who may find them. The records are considered as a sort of a time capsule." Voyager Golden Record, "Wikipedia"

I came to know about the "Golden Records" through a Vox video on Youtube. As the video portrayed the images one by one, it was fascinating to see how we as human beings portrayed ourselves. Language, science, humanities, culture. Every aspect of human life was slowly unfolding within the photos. 

Comments stated that photos of disease, war and violence were left out. After I saw the last photo, my eyes shifted. It moved further and further back and perhaps looked into humanity in God's perspective.

Despite the terrors, violence, hunger, pain, disease, and all kinds of natural disasters pressing down on people, God sees the good in all, his beloved creation. I thought about how marvelous he must have seen us grow and flourish. Truly a wonder we are.

If interested, https://youtu.be/NAN1kt4SG9E

Wither Away

"A voice says, 'Cry out.' And I said, 'What shall I cry?'

'All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.'" Isaiah 40:6-8

I found certain comedy amidst an unexpected place, within these verses. All does wither like grass. It springs up and withers again and again. It had me thinking, "What is the point of it all?" My choices, my values, my possessions will wither away. Why was I worrying about anything at all?

All that seemed to matter was the word of God. It was a tragic comedy, the greatest story. 

그 겨울

창밖에는 외로운 조명 아래 눈이 내리고 있었다. 올겨울 처음 내리는 눈이었다. 겨울이 이미 깊어진 후에 내리는 늦은 눈이었기에 많은 사람들은 설렜고, 소식을 전하는 작은 새들처럼 SNS는 아름다운 눈 소식으로 도배되는 것이 느껴졌다.

그렇게 미루고 미루던 이별은 조용히 내리겠지만 반짝 지나가는 소식처럼 순식간에 퍼졌다 이윽고 새로운 일들로 묻힐 것이 눈앞에 선명했다. 하지만 그 아픔은 언제라도 꺼내어 볼 수 있을 사진 조각처럼 지워지지 않을 것을 알았다.

당장 자리를 일어나면 다시는 볼 수 없을 것을 알았기에 못다 한 이야기들을 다급하게 꺼내듯 말은 빨라져 갔다. 하지만 그녀는 이미 듣고 있지 않았다. 내가 알던 그 생기 넘치던 사람은 이제는 죽어가는 나무처럼 가만히 서있었다. 그나마 잡고 있던 그녀의 손은 마른 가지처럼 앙상하게 내어밀고 있을 뿐이었다.

버릇처럼 이것저것 만지작 거리던 그녀는 이번에는 목도리를 잡고 한올 한올 실을 풀어가고 있었다. 엉키고 섞여버린 이 관계를 그렇게 무심하게 풀고 있었다. 그녀가 헤어지길 원한다는 것을 이미 오래전부터 알고 있었다. 제일 가슴이 아팠던 것은 떠나려는 게 보이는데 잡을 방법을 모르겠다는 것이었다. 참을 수 없는 외로움이 밀려왔고 지나가는 사람들마다, 떨어지는 눈송이마다, 결국 조명 아래 아무것도 없는 시간이 다가온 후에 그녀는 그렇게 내 인생에서 사라졌다. 

Circling Back

It's been a while since I visited my old circle. It was a Christian fellowship group I had attended during my medical school days. I had visited my school a couple of times before, but I never made it to the fellowship services. Well, yesterday, for some odd reasons of boredom and compassion, I drove to the school to have dinner with a some younger classmates I used to know. 

The food was good, the conversations crisp, and overall, I had a great time with the friends. All of them were part of the fellowship, so naturally we headed to the worship service. 

After service, I did not get in front to introduce myself to the crowd, but simply stood outside and greeted several people who knew me. People I had forgotten, people I had longed to see, and people that were always there came to say hi. 

I had always wanted to get away from it all. I knew this community was where I had to be, yet I never dived in fully. For reasons of studies and military pressure, for my growing disgust for others as well as general heartaches in relationships pushed me further into isolation. I knew I had to be with God and with his people of the church. I had always been torn between my selfish desires and Godly responsibilities, but yesterday, the scales tilted heavily as I grew ever so compassionate for all the members of the group.

It could very well be that I was no longer pressured by school nor the military, but it was more so that God had me realize just how important fellowship was. Despite my reservations toward the circle, I had done some good for the people thanks to God. Yet, I knew I could always have done more. I knew I should have prayed more, cared more and loved more. 

On my drive back home, I kept praying for the students. I saw how lovely they were in  sight of God. Though I will pray now and then, I knew God now had wanted me to pray for the community I was currently in at the moment. I wanted to leave no regrets this time around. 

Glorious Mankind

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?
You have made them a little lower than the angels
and crowned them with glory and honor.

You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
you put everything under their feet" Psalm 8:3-4

When was the last time you marveled at the greatness of the surrounding nature? It is quite easy to do so, even by simply looking up into the sky. Yet, the LORD created human beings far greater than anything in the earth. When was the last time you marveled at your neighbor? When was the last time you were in awe of anybody? God has made us glorious. Not just some people, but everyone. It is too difficult, however, to truly act according to such belief because of all the chaos that exists among people. It is too easy to scoff and criticize each other. So let's make it a practice to find beauty among others. 

Two Souls

Serenely still, eyes fixed.
Yet the mind paces, it runs.
Two souls, so separate,
collide in time, crashes.
Hearts take form with words,
delivering sincerity each syllable.
A smile, a glance, a flutter.
The overwhelming presence.
It ushers in a holy silence.
Love quickly fills the air.
Nothing can slide in,
not even a single drop of doubt.
Happiness is promised,
eternity locked.
A blessed assurance.

Thrown Hammer

There was construction work being done at my workplace. Scaffolds were placed high up towards the rooftop. There was no work being done at the moment, so it was pretty quiet. The red brick walls stood still besides the scaffold as I walked past it. It all reminded me of a day way back in middle school.

I had attended school in Korea until the summer of 8th grade, and one weird habit I had grown just that semester was to arrive to school earlier than everyone. Instead of having a set student council, it was volunteered in rotation. One of the duties was to lock up the classroom and open it in the mornings. Naturally, in the week I had been in charge of the key, I arrived early to have the doors open. 

There was a certain peace in the classroom early in the mornings Now, I was no star student, and I had no business in enjoying time in school. However, the time alone in the classroom, before any movement, was rather magical. I guess I was drawn to that solitude before chaos ensued, so I started coming to school early. I had figured out a way to open the backdoor without a key, so I always managed to be the first in the class. 

One morning, I arrived early yet again. This time, there was an unfamiliar scenery outside. A tall iron scaffold stood past the windows. The classroom was on the third floor, so it was exciting to see something stand so ragged yet firm. As I was peering further out, I saw a lone hammer just lying on one of the steps of the scaffold. I knew better than to touch the belongings of others, but for some reason I slowly reached out for the hammer. I looked around to see that no one was around. I looked down to see that no one was below either, and in that instant, I let go of the hammer to see it fall down the scaffolds. 

It clinked and it clanked. Soon with a thud, it had reached its end of gravity. No one was hurt, the hammer was still within construction work area. The scaffold was solid as ever, and thus, no harm seemed to have been done. 

Couple hours later, however, I heard some gossip going around. Some students talked about a hammer that fell from the sky. They talked as if it had scared someone or even broken something. Many thoughts raced in my mind at the moment. I was sure that no one was around, but I guess younger students in the lower floors were perhaps present. My heart raced and skipped a bit. I still remember a student asking me about it, and with such a bold face I lied saying I knew nothing about it. 

It all ended as a mere happening. I guess people found it common to see stuff fall from construction sites all the time. I never got in trouble, and I had not thought about it until now. I guess it left decent mark in my heart, seeing as how a scaffold lying so quietly reminded me of a wrong I had once done.

Thankfully, I never acted so irresponsibly ever again. A little mischief here and there while in high school, but none deeming punishment. When I hit college, I had learned not to make any trouble either, especially in terms of not even touching personal belongings. 

Everything happened so quickly, but I always wondered why I had done such an act. In retrospect, I guess I was desperate for significance. The Korean school system is vastly different than that of the US. My middle school consisted of 7th, 8th and 9th grade students, all with more than 12 individual classes, each with at least 50 students. Since so many students were present, there was no rotation of students from class to class. The teachers moved around with each course. 

The concrete school walls all decorated with dull gray color enclosing nearly 2,000 students probably did not help with my hunger for importance. I felt like just another common man, a gear shifting with each motion of a bigger machine. All the encouragement from past teachers I met in the States all seemed like lies. I stopped being an all-A-student ever since being back in Korea. I was forced in the rigors of Korean academia by attending many after-school classes, all for advanced level studies. I never seemed enough in the eyes of my parents. I felt like I was suffocating in a glass menagerie.

Maybe that was why I enjoyed being first in the classroom. A sense of being somebody could have been a slight consolation to my freezing heart. Perhaps it was from such a thought that an act of rebellion was set in motion. As a means to climb out of the suffocating insignificance, I guess I chose to do something out of the ordinary, a little recklessness to remind myself that I am still somebody, that I can rise above pillars of society. 

I was not a child who had a sufferable childhood. Yet, I guess a lot of people go through the same concerns. Thankfully, I can say with a decent assurance that I have grasped some idea of my identity and my goals in life. Though at times I still search for comfort in who I am with people and materials, I am glad to have been found in God, able to remember past experiences to move unto an image closer to that of Jesus. I recognize that I still maybe just another gear in a whirring machine, but that I am know to God seems to be enough so far, hopefully evermore.