"Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you, and I will instruct you in the good and the right way." 1 Samuel 12:23
Every time I meet someone from the past days, I always have a sense of embarrassment: The fact that I did not carry on a better relationship with God, the fact that I did not seem to grow in spirituality, and the fact that I had not prayed fervently for them. With bits of bitterness and sorrow, I grow smaller.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Monday, May 20, 2019
Cruise Hype
All aboard!
This was my first time getting on a cruise ship. My father was on his sabbatical, and he was to take April, May and June off. My older brother was working in Maine, so my parents decided to spend time with him.
In a conversation with his boss, my brother was told about vacations on a cruise ship. His boss suggested the idea after hearing that the parents were going to be over, and naturally, my brother thought it would be a good opportunity for our parents.
Thus, he went on and planned for everything, but my mother left some words that went along the lines of, "It would be great if the entire family could go together..." In an instant, I was flung into the plan, as well as my brother. It quickly became a family trip, and I had to take my precious days off my annual leave.
Despite the long hours on the plane and the banging headache from jet lag, I made it safe on the cruise along with my family. To be honest, I thought it was more so an exclusive luxury trip, but it was more of a wild party ship, full of people. Well, on the bright side, because of that, I got to see a lot of people.
It had been at least six years since I last visited the US. Something I noticed from the start was that many were obese. Also, there were really a lot of races, a lot of different cultures shown within the people. People were just living their lives, separate goals, separate outlooks. Everyone was just simply different.
As each day passed, the daily issues I had back home became smaller. I started to wonder what I was being chased by so much. In a social sense, I guess it was from the fact that the population density in Seoul was enormous. On top of that, the more or less racial homogeneity made people seem to want similar goals in life. Not to mention the limited resources within the country as well as comparatively weaker status among nations near. The culmination of all of that somehow made me running after money and fame, just like how everyone else seemed to be doing.
I was reminded that this was not a healthy way to live. Everyone was created each in their own uniqueness by God, each with their separate missions, but one unified purpose: to praise and serve God. Though the looks may be vastly different, there really was no one true handsomeness and beauty. Though the numbers on bank accounts may be different, it was by no means of judging someone. Way of thought and behavior was just another color to this world.
Though physically straining, it was good to be with the family again. I got to feel loved again, as I was getting pretty lonely living alone in Chuncheon. I guess this was why taking a break every year was recommended.
I'm just hope this brighter mind would last longer, at least until the next break.
This was my first time getting on a cruise ship. My father was on his sabbatical, and he was to take April, May and June off. My older brother was working in Maine, so my parents decided to spend time with him.
In a conversation with his boss, my brother was told about vacations on a cruise ship. His boss suggested the idea after hearing that the parents were going to be over, and naturally, my brother thought it would be a good opportunity for our parents.
Thus, he went on and planned for everything, but my mother left some words that went along the lines of, "It would be great if the entire family could go together..." In an instant, I was flung into the plan, as well as my brother. It quickly became a family trip, and I had to take my precious days off my annual leave.
Despite the long hours on the plane and the banging headache from jet lag, I made it safe on the cruise along with my family. To be honest, I thought it was more so an exclusive luxury trip, but it was more of a wild party ship, full of people. Well, on the bright side, because of that, I got to see a lot of people.
It had been at least six years since I last visited the US. Something I noticed from the start was that many were obese. Also, there were really a lot of races, a lot of different cultures shown within the people. People were just living their lives, separate goals, separate outlooks. Everyone was just simply different.
As each day passed, the daily issues I had back home became smaller. I started to wonder what I was being chased by so much. In a social sense, I guess it was from the fact that the population density in Seoul was enormous. On top of that, the more or less racial homogeneity made people seem to want similar goals in life. Not to mention the limited resources within the country as well as comparatively weaker status among nations near. The culmination of all of that somehow made me running after money and fame, just like how everyone else seemed to be doing.
I was reminded that this was not a healthy way to live. Everyone was created each in their own uniqueness by God, each with their separate missions, but one unified purpose: to praise and serve God. Though the looks may be vastly different, there really was no one true handsomeness and beauty. Though the numbers on bank accounts may be different, it was by no means of judging someone. Way of thought and behavior was just another color to this world.
Though physically straining, it was good to be with the family again. I got to feel loved again, as I was getting pretty lonely living alone in Chuncheon. I guess this was why taking a break every year was recommended.
I'm just hope this brighter mind would last longer, at least until the next break.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
Are You Better?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
They were simple words, but alarmed my mind. What had I been thinking? Or, to be clearer, had I ever been thinking at all?
There just seemed to be too much to know about God, yet I was searching through the world, looking for anything that seemed fun to do. All the guide posts, the signs, the words of God that shout that is not the way, came flashing before my eyes.
It definitely was the time to turn back now. I had spent enough time away from God.
It definitely was the time to turn back now. I had spent enough time away from God.
Ask yourself too. Are you better than God?
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
SNS: Social Neuroticism Summarized
9시 51분.
끝나지 않는 업무에 시달리다 가까스로 탈출했다. 회사에서 먹는 저녁 겸 야식은 언제나 배를 아프게 하지만, 그래도 어떻게든 입에 넣게 된다. 그래서인지 건강 생각에 아무리 힘들어도 운동을 다녀오는 건지. 아니. 사실 그것보다는 남들이 다 하는 것 같아서 나도 덩달아 등록한 것 같다. 운동하는 남자가 인기가 많다고 하니.
11시 47분.
집에 와서 컴퓨터 앞에 앉아 맥주 한 캔을 다 마실 때까지 스포츠 하이라이트들을 하나씩 챙겨본다. 축구를 넘어 농구, 그리고 딱히 관심 없던 야구나 배구 영상들도 괜히 한두 개씩 눌러 보게 된다. 맥주는 이미 다 마셨어도 어느새 유튜브에 여자 연예인과 아이돌 영상들을 보고 있는 나 자신을 발견한다. 정말 이쁘다는 생각과, 괜히 눈만 높아져서 내가 혼자인 건지, 언젠간 이런 사람을 만나겠다는 막연한 망상과 함께 그 아이돌들과는 띠동갑도 넘었다는 사실에 괴리감이 들기 시작한다. 어차피 만날 수 있는 것도 아니었는데. 내가 지금 무슨 생각을 하고 있는 건지 자각이 들 즈음에 샤워를 하고 침대에 눕는다.
1시 13분.
불을 이미 끄고 이불 속으로 들어가 있지만 멀뚱히 핸드폰만 바라본다. 끼적 끼적, 시간이 흐르는 것이 느껴진다. 내일의 일은 나를 기다리고 있지만, 하루를 왠지 낭비한 것 같은 기분에 괜히 그 끝자락을 잡는 심정이다. 어깨가 아프기 시작하면 돌아눕고, 핸드폰도 한 번쯤은 얼굴에 떨어뜨려주고. 그렇게 인스타그램에 수많은 사람들을 스쳐 지나가게 된다. 하나 둘 넘기며, 다른 사람들의 삶을 훔쳐본다. 왠지 성격이 안 좋을 것 같으니 패스. 멀리 있는 사람은 만나러 가기 귀찮으니 패스. 나는 이런 이쁜 사람에게는 답장도 못 받을 것 같으니 패스. 디엠을 보냈을 때 답장을 받은 적이 있긴 했던가.
2시 26분.
너의 이름이 적혀있는 추천. 어차피 비공개 계정이라 아무것도 안 보이겠지만 괜히 한번 누르게 된다. 너의 모습을 혹시나 볼 수 있을지, 구글 이미지에 너의 계정을 검색해 보고 한 남자의 계정을 발견했다. 얼굴을 맞대고 찍은 사진, 여행을 떠난 사진. 환하게 웃고 있는 너의 모습이 가득한 그의 인스타그램을 보고 내 스스로가 역겨워졌다. 사실 그렇게 그이의 인스타그램에서 너의 모습을 보고 있던 것이 이미 몇 주는 된 것 같다. 언젠간 그 계정에서 같이 찍은 사진들이 사라진다면 내가 연락을 할 수 있을까, 해도 괜찮을까.
3시 8분.
결국 보내지도 않을 메시지는 길게도 적어놨다. 시대가 변해도, 모습은 달라져도, 사랑 때문에 사람이 지질하게 되는 방법은 언제나 있기 마련인 것 같다. 시간을 초월해도 나는 이렇게 지나간 것들에 얽매어 발버둥 치고 있진 않을까.
6시 32분.
또 다른 하루, 또 다른 생각들과 선택들. 씁쓸한 미소는 불평과 불만 가운데 어떻게든 감사해야 한다는 압박감을 나타내는 것일까. 뜨거운 샤워와 차려지지 않는 정신, 쓰린 속을 움켜쥐고 그렇게 또 출근을 한다.
끝나지 않는 업무에 시달리다 가까스로 탈출했다. 회사에서 먹는 저녁 겸 야식은 언제나 배를 아프게 하지만, 그래도 어떻게든 입에 넣게 된다. 그래서인지 건강 생각에 아무리 힘들어도 운동을 다녀오는 건지. 아니. 사실 그것보다는 남들이 다 하는 것 같아서 나도 덩달아 등록한 것 같다. 운동하는 남자가 인기가 많다고 하니.
11시 47분.
집에 와서 컴퓨터 앞에 앉아 맥주 한 캔을 다 마실 때까지 스포츠 하이라이트들을 하나씩 챙겨본다. 축구를 넘어 농구, 그리고 딱히 관심 없던 야구나 배구 영상들도 괜히 한두 개씩 눌러 보게 된다. 맥주는 이미 다 마셨어도 어느새 유튜브에 여자 연예인과 아이돌 영상들을 보고 있는 나 자신을 발견한다. 정말 이쁘다는 생각과, 괜히 눈만 높아져서 내가 혼자인 건지, 언젠간 이런 사람을 만나겠다는 막연한 망상과 함께 그 아이돌들과는 띠동갑도 넘었다는 사실에 괴리감이 들기 시작한다. 어차피 만날 수 있는 것도 아니었는데. 내가 지금 무슨 생각을 하고 있는 건지 자각이 들 즈음에 샤워를 하고 침대에 눕는다.
1시 13분.
불을 이미 끄고 이불 속으로 들어가 있지만 멀뚱히 핸드폰만 바라본다. 끼적 끼적, 시간이 흐르는 것이 느껴진다. 내일의 일은 나를 기다리고 있지만, 하루를 왠지 낭비한 것 같은 기분에 괜히 그 끝자락을 잡는 심정이다. 어깨가 아프기 시작하면 돌아눕고, 핸드폰도 한 번쯤은 얼굴에 떨어뜨려주고. 그렇게 인스타그램에 수많은 사람들을 스쳐 지나가게 된다. 하나 둘 넘기며, 다른 사람들의 삶을 훔쳐본다. 왠지 성격이 안 좋을 것 같으니 패스. 멀리 있는 사람은 만나러 가기 귀찮으니 패스. 나는 이런 이쁜 사람에게는 답장도 못 받을 것 같으니 패스. 디엠을 보냈을 때 답장을 받은 적이 있긴 했던가.
2시 26분.
너의 이름이 적혀있는 추천. 어차피 비공개 계정이라 아무것도 안 보이겠지만 괜히 한번 누르게 된다. 너의 모습을 혹시나 볼 수 있을지, 구글 이미지에 너의 계정을 검색해 보고 한 남자의 계정을 발견했다. 얼굴을 맞대고 찍은 사진, 여행을 떠난 사진. 환하게 웃고 있는 너의 모습이 가득한 그의 인스타그램을 보고 내 스스로가 역겨워졌다. 사실 그렇게 그이의 인스타그램에서 너의 모습을 보고 있던 것이 이미 몇 주는 된 것 같다. 언젠간 그 계정에서 같이 찍은 사진들이 사라진다면 내가 연락을 할 수 있을까, 해도 괜찮을까.
3시 8분.
결국 보내지도 않을 메시지는 길게도 적어놨다. 시대가 변해도, 모습은 달라져도, 사랑 때문에 사람이 지질하게 되는 방법은 언제나 있기 마련인 것 같다. 시간을 초월해도 나는 이렇게 지나간 것들에 얽매어 발버둥 치고 있진 않을까.
6시 32분.
또 다른 하루, 또 다른 생각들과 선택들. 씁쓸한 미소는 불평과 불만 가운데 어떻게든 감사해야 한다는 압박감을 나타내는 것일까. 뜨거운 샤워와 차려지지 않는 정신, 쓰린 속을 움켜쥐고 그렇게 또 출근을 한다.
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