Back to 5th Grade

I started to daydream again. My eyes do not see as clearly as before, the world. I started to hold onto worthless matters more. I began to hope for what cannot be done, like going back in time. 

What if I had a simple life, a life just like anyone else?

A thought then grasped my mind. I looked back when I was 11, the childhood sweetheart of mine handing me a love letter. I ruin it with my water gun, laughing with my friends, but on inside, aching.

As the years went by, she started to hang out with the “wrong” crew, acting out more, destructive behaviors. I heard her relationship with her parents was not the most peaceful. I remember she dyed her hair completely yellow, a sure sign of rebellion back in old Korea. She seemed to do poorly in school progressively. I soon left for the US, and quickly lost touch with her.

I heard she was a dealer at some casino now. Nothing wrong with dealing some cards, but I was hoping she would work during the day, sleep during the night. I was hoping she would be in a brightly lit room, always with a big smile on her face, happy. Maybe she is already. I would never know.

Had I been more courageous, had I been more mature, would our lives have changed?

We could have been together. We would have studied together. We would have gone everywhere, holding hands. We could have been the class couple. I could have given her love and stability. I could have shown her all that was wonderful and beautiful. I may never have left for America. I may have had trouble getting into a good college, but we would have been together. We would go through tough times staying as one in college, but we would have managed. We would stroll along the park, maybe even with a small picnic basket. We would drive off to the ocean side late at night, out of sheer impulse. We would wake up together in the same bed. We would have had kids, though the house may have been a bit small for all of us. I would have fallen asleep looking at her, smiling, excited to see her again the next day. I would have listened to music completely different from what I am listening to now. Saturdays would have been lazy, perhaps even Sundays. I could have been a family man, always with the children.

Such foolishness.

At the end of my time travel, I see that it is only a victim mentality, simply my scars that I have held onto. I come to a complete stop in front of God. I know that He can send me back in time. Sometimes I even feel like He genuinely asks if it is really what I want. In the end, however, I do not think I really want to go back. All the wonders that He has shown me up until now are not to be treated lightly. Plans for me, the calling that I would need to answer to is still ahead. I try harder and harder to focus on what is in front of me.

"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." Isaiah 7:9b

The Bible is indeed still being written in God's sight. Where shall I stand?