Thoughts from Psalm 73

"Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.
They are free from common human burdens; they are not plagued by human ills.

When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply
till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny.
Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin.
How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors!
They are like a dream when one awakes; when you arise, Lord, you will despise them as fantasies."

Psalm 73:1-5, 16-20

Surely God is great. Surely He is. Yet, the world is full of mysteries I do not understand. It is full of iniquities, unfairness and harm. Even I am perhaps regarded as someone with no human burdens. Maybe I am that healthy, strong and rich. However, I still envy those that have more than me. Those who know God not, yet live perfectly well. 

When will I enter your sanctuary? When will I see the destiny of the ungodly? When will I finally know the beauty of your love and live in peace with it? When will I return to you from this place? 

Night Thoughts by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Night Thoughts by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Stars, you are unfortunate, I pity you,
Beautiful as you are, shining in your glory,
Who guide seafaring men through stress and peril
And have no recompense from gods or mortals,
Love you do not, nor do you know what love is.
Hours that are aeons urgently conducting
Your figures in a dance through the vast heaven,
What journey have you ended in this moment,
Since lingering in the arms of my beloved
I lost all memory of you and midnight.

Free Clinic

"Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.'" Matthew 18:32-35

I decided to attend a new church as with the start of 2018. I ended most of my ties to the former church, all but the voluntary medical services team. The team met every month to open a free medical clinic for a couple of hours where there were many foreigners. I never stopped to ask each and every patient their profile, but I heard some were legally allowed and working in Korea, while some were not. I heard some were decently well-off, while some did not have much. 

I had joined this team around late spring of last year. When I had started, I never really thought about who the patients might be, for I was too occupied in making the correct diagnosis and treating the patients accordingly. As I got used to being a doctor, I started to notice that some patients were not quite needy. 

I say this because there was this patient who had awful Diabetes. His glucose numbers were well above 200, nearing 300 actually. I had told him that he needed to go to a hospital and get better medications, because the voluntary clinic only had a few types of drugs. For the longest time, he did not listen. I had thought this was due to legal issues or even money, but he had fancy sunglasses on all the time while wearing expensive watches. 

Ever since, my heart began to grow colder. It definitely reached a critical point today as an older lady came and simply demanded an ointment cream. I understood she spoke very little Korean, but it ticked me off that she did not even try to communicate. She simply wanted what she wanted. I really did my best to hold down my anger. Luckily, there was a pastor who could translate for me, and I more or less understood her situation. It, however, did not change the fact that the drugs she wanted were mostly over-the-counter drugs she could easily buy at a pharmacy. It just came to me as that she simply wanted free stuff. 

To the best of my knowledge, the clinic was for those who were in need, those who were in troubling situations. These patients, however, only seemed to be abusing what was formed in good will. 

I had asked the pharmacist if it was okay to just give away even to those who were fully capable of sustaining for themselves. She said yes, knowing full well that the clinic would be abused. It certainly was not that the clinic was short of drugs, but I just could not handle the injustice. 

Then I thought about all the times I had gotten something for free. Who was I to be the moral judge of this old lady? Who was I to be criticizing the abusive patients? Was I never in the wrong? Had I never gotten something that I did not deserve, that I did not need? The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant came to my mind. Grace of God came to my mind. All I had was God-given, nothing deserved. 

The entire event still lingered in my heart. It poked me and irritated me, but I knew I should not let it. It had been more than 10 years since I had gotten baptized. I had hoped I had matured in Christ, but I do not think I changed but bit for the better. Yet, I am trying to be hopeful, as the Disciples, whom had gotten personal teachings from Christ, had not changed until years later. 

Trusted

"Hezekiah trusted in the LORD, the God of Israel. There was no one like him among all the kings of Judah, either before him or after him. He held fast to the LORD and did not stop following him; he kept the commands the LORD had given Moses. And the LORD was with him; he was successful in whatever he undertook. He rebelled against the king of Assyria and did not serve him." 2 Kings 18:5-7

If my life were to be recorded, I wish it read, "He trusted in the LORD, the God of Israel. There was no one like him. He held fast to the LORD and did not stop following him; he kept the commands the LORD had given, and the LORD was with him; he was successful in whatever he undertook."

O, to be remembered as a follower of Christ. 

Stop Sinning

"Then Jesus said to him, 'Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.' At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath"

"Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, 'See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.'" John 5:8-9,14

Recurrent acts of my sin had brought my soul down deeply. I was getting tired of it all. Excuses of this and that filled my mind, but Jesus said nothing more than, "Get up!" 

It was all that needed to be said. I only had to get up and leave my place of sin. I was to stop sinning from now on, lest I have something worse happen. 

Nothing more. Nothing less.

One Sows, One Reaps

As much as I try to experience more in life, I often think too much on a matter and fall short of being active. This has been true for several days on my decision to travel to Lebanon as a missions trip. I had not thought much of it when the pastor asked me to join along. As the meetings began, I started to question why I had wanted to go in the first place. I felt rather out of place among those much younger than me. 

John Chapter 4 Verse 38 read, "I sent you to reap what you have not worked for. Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor."

The first missions trip to Lebanon from this church was last year. Many had traveled to help out the war refugees. The church soon sent a missionary to the same place, and the team is now going once more to support those serving the place. The church had long been praying for the land. The missionary had been eager to spread the good news. I had this feeling that I will be seeing with my own eyes the work of God play out in Lebanon, something I had not worked for at all. 

Perhaps this is God's response. I wanted to hold onto it, lest I flicker in my decision to participate again. 

Turning Hearts

"At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: 'LORD, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. Answer me, LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.'" 1 Kings 18:36-37

It is not that I turn my heart around, but the LORD who does so. Though completely blinded by sin, it is the LORD who awakens us to know that He is God.