On Nicodemus

Late at night, with the cover of the dark I come.
Broken and confused, tired and frustrated.
Masks upon masks, I hide my intentions, my thoughts,
but you see through it all, piercing unto the deepest.
My heart is touched, I feel alive, restored within your arms.

종로 거리를 따라

회사 생활이 쉽지는 않았지만 이럴 때일수록 바쁜 것이 감사할 뿐이다. 정신없이 오전 일과에 집중하였더니 마치 내 삶의 모든 것이 멈춘 것처럼 고요했다. 가만히 앉아서 점심을 먹는 것조차 마음의 짐이 될 것 같아서 편의점에서 식사를 해결하기로 했다. 한 손엔 달걀 샌드위치, 다른 손엔 핸드폰을 쥐고 가게를 나오는 순간 익숙한 노래가 들려왔다.

"내 일생의 사랑이여, 나에게 상처를 주다니요. 내 마음을 산산조각 내어놓고 이제는 떠나는 건가요." 머큐리 아저씨의 그 속삭임에 감정이 차오르고, 기억이 되살아나고, 눈물이 나려는 그 순간 이어폰이 귀에서 떨어져 나갔다.

그 순간 도시의 소음이, 상인의 외침이, 다른 모든 이들의 살아가는 소리가 내게 들려오기 시작했다. 가을의 끝자락이 바람과 함께 나를 이끌어 가는 듯하여 그 종로 거리로 발걸음을 떼어 나아갔다.

가로수 하나, 무거운 발걸음이 가벼워지고,
가로수 둘, 머리가 점차 비워지며,
가로수 셋, 얼굴에 잔잔한 미소가 드리웠다.

낙엽 하나에 추억 하나. 그렇게 계속 걷다 보니 기억들이 하나둘씩 떨어져 나갔고, 앙상한 가지만 남아있는 그 나무를 보고 있자니 화려함은 없었지만 굳게 서있는 그런 나의 모습이 보이기 시작했다. 달라진 것은 하나도 없었다. 하지만 시간이 지나면 어느새 가지들은 풍성함을 다시 입고 누군가에게 시원한 그늘이 되어줄 것을 알았다.

잠시만 쉬라는 이야기를 전해준 바람에게 감사함을 나누고 이윽고 내 자리로 돌아왔다. 아직은 일이 바쁜 것이 다행이라는 생각이 들지만 퇴근 하고 싶어지는 마음이 한가득인걸 보니 봄이 생각보다 빨리 올 것만 같다.

Caring for Your Family

Nearly three thousand doctors are spread across parts of Korea, some in the heart of cities, some in islands hours away from land. Instead of serving as a soldier for the mandatory military service, young doctors are taken to the rural parts of the country to help maintain medical service to areas of low access to medicine. Some may say it is a far greater substitution than being a soldier, but nearly a double the service with low pay for a doctor is not too desirable either.

Nonetheless, they are there fulfilling their duties for the country. Some branches of public health centers see less than one patient a day, while some see too much for young doctors to handle. Still, they say it is nothing compared to the rigors of residency. With such favorable working conditions, it might seem natural for the doctors to enjoy a quiet rest for the upcoming three years, but the hiatus is often broken by a few patients with attitudes.

Personally, I have had patients shout all kinds of insults and swear words I have never heard before in my life, while some tried to get rather physical. I distinctly remember a time one patient tried to pick up a chair to throw at me. Though many physicians experience worse conditions working in the emergency department overnight, angered patients in midday seemed too odd a condition for vehement behavior.

At first, I wondered if it had been my own attitude towards the patients. Was I acting obnoxious or rude to my patients? Thankfully, the nurses working with me told my superiors that I had been one of the nicest doctors they have worked with in their times.

Was it the patients themselves? Did they have anger management issues? These patients, however, were elderly who were living such quiet lives. Often times in their revisit, they would be amazingly docile, even to the point they act as if they do not remember what they had said the previous time. It definitely was not about the money either, because most of the public health centers are free for those 65 years or older, even the medications!

Then I realized that the ones that vented out their frustration were in need of attention, of love. The ones that were in low compliance often were the ones with low to no communication with their families. Their sons or daughters would rarely visit, let alone keep in touch. They were the ones living lonely lives, perhaps simply waiting for a knock on the door, or even some kind of mail. They would get upset whenever I would ask them call their families to accompany them to a hospital for additional diagnostic testings. They would be flared up if I asked if they were living with anybody, because the patients would be in no condition to live alone.

I have had a patient with mild dementia who would come months late for their hypertensive medications. She kept repeating that she took a pill a day, and would not believe that she skipped some. It was often times difficult for me to pay close attention to history taking, as her oral hygiene was in such a poor condition, even a mask did not provide protection from foul odor. She seemed too disoriented to be walking around alone.

The truth is, however, this was not just a special occasion. This was rampart, everywhere. This was the current situation of people. Everyone seems lonelier each year, isolated and deemed obsolete. Even families move away, part directions with each other. I do realize that this is rather not a place for a doctor to get involved, but at the same time, I feel like it does cross certain paths. 

Though I have had barely any education in holistic medicine, I feel like all parts of life do affect the health of a patient. Whether it be taking your father to a regular checkup or even simply having dinner with your mother, it could very well be a life and death matter if it is all accumulated in efforts of years. Yes, years and years of anything would change a person definitely, but I am sure you get my point. 

Whenever patients drop by who seem to be in similar situations, I did my best to contact family members to gently remind them to care for their father or mother. I know I probably am not the best son myself, but all of this does remind me as well to engage in the life of my loved ones as well.

This is all probably no surprise, no flashing news, but I felt like I needed to start somewhere, to remind others that there are people waiting for you to reach out and grab them. There are many who are simply too weak and tired to rise up themselves. 

The service period will end sooner or later and I will be leaving here soon. In years to come, however, I wish that more patients are found in peace from the support of their beloveds. 

Note to Self #642178764

Engage.

Short Conversation

"마음이 있으면 먼저 연락하겠지."

"마음은 있는데 차마 연락을 못하고 있다면?"

"그 정도 마음이면 다시 안 만나는 게 맞아."

"이번에는 다르지 않을까?"

"그 때 느꼈던 문제들은 여전히 남아있을걸."

"내가 달라졌는데도?"

"네가 쫓고 있는 건 네가 만들어낸 허상일 뿐이야."

"좋은 사람을 만날 수 있을까?"

"하나님의 뜻에 달려 있겠지."

"나도 빨리 행복하고 싶은걸?"

"이미 행복할 수 있어."

Prayer of Jonah

"In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas, 
and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me.
I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; 
yet I will look again toward your holy temple.'
The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.
To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, LORD my God, brought my life up from the pit.

When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. 

Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them.
But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
I will say, 'Salvation comes from the LORD.'"

Prayer of Jonah - Jonah 2:2-9

Class is in Session

Listen up, quiet down, class is in session.
I am the professor, the chief in charge.
Get out your pens, for this is class 101.
Rudimentary, elementary, but oh so necessary.
Its how to lose, how to lose well,
all that in the name of God.
The first step, killing your ego.
The next, falling the footsteps.
Come one, come all.
Take up your cross and walk with me
to failure, to destruction, to glory and resurrection.