Our school holds a small tournament of 3v3 basketball. It starts around
April and the championship game is held during carnival week. Registration is
limited to extracurricular groups and circles, and the group I am participating
in, Christian Medical Fellowship (CMF) made it to the finals.
It is now my fourth year participating here in school, and every year,
it caused me such angst. As this will be my last year, I really wanted to get
down to why I felt so anxious about competition.
One part seems to be that I am fearful of losing. I could pin it to
some childhood trauma, but whatever it is, I don’t seem like seeing my true
self. I cover myself up with fancy decorations, yet the inside is rather
hollow. Perhaps I am fearful of being rejected, rejected once people see my
real self.
Another part seems to be that I am craving for dominance. I want to
stand high above than others, showing off how great I am.
I guess in some sense, both inherently contain my hunger for
significance. After pondering about the matter for a while, everything simply
boils down to my lack of love for God, and how my hunger will only be quenched
through Jesus.
A short prayer, thereafter, however, I simply begin the cycle of angst
and peace again and again.
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