Alone in the Mountains

“‘Meaningless! Meaningless!’ says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.’ What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.” Ecclesiastes 1:1-4

Small group leaders get together on Tuesdays with the pastor to talk about leading the group. Usually the meeting consists of following a book rather blandly, but since the book was finished, the pastor decided to lead a small psychiatric exercise. It was a free drawing exercise. It, however, had three rules: First, circles were women and triangles were men; second you had to draw yourself first; third, you had to explain what you drew.

My drawing consisted of a small triangle in the bottom right corner and several mountaintops in the background. I had Elijah on my mind, the scene where God meets with him as a gentle whisper. I knew that I had been lonely for quite some time, but it was different to hear it from somebody else. The pastor began to point out some of his opinions on my drawing. Two notable comments were that I seemed lonely to the point where a slight poke could have me burst into tears, and that I seemed rather nihilistic, finding emptiness in life.

Perhaps it was from reading Ecclesiastes too much, or rather, not having fully understood just what the book was about. All I remember is the teacher crying out, “Meaningless! Meaningless!” Indeed, life came to me empty. Every joy was passing away, all good changed or even lost. I’m not to say that there is no good in the world, just that even all good passes. On the other side, however, I do acknowledge that even all the bad passes away as well. Nonetheless, an endless void seemed to reside in my soul.

Then, God found me. Jesus showed life and everlasting joy. He was to last for eternity. All that was about Him would be something that would last. Why had this emptiness resurfaced? Was it that I lost sight of God? Was it so that I began to lose what once held much meaning? I am not entirely sure, but all that Ecclesiastes ends with is that God will sit in judgment. I will be responsible for my actions. Consequences will be met. Now, would that be enough meaning to be found?

“The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” Ecclesiastes 12:13-14