Sixty

My dad is now 60 years old in Korean age. He still has nearly two years before he becomes actually 60 in the American sense as he was born in December (if you don't understand what I'm talking about, you probably are not Korean enough :P). My mom is fast approaching that age as well, while I'm looking to be 30 in upcoming years. 

My father had never talked about money with us brothers. Recently in the past couple of years, however, he has made us increasingly aware of the financial status of the family. My dad has about 6 years left of work before he has to retire. He says that he will find another job for several more years, but he has given my brother I some responsibility, some "burden" to support the parents. 

I actually don't mind at all. I actually feel it is necessary for me to support my parents as they grow older, but I too have started to become aware of money. I had never thought about money seriously. I never thought I had plenty, but I was never in need. Somehow, I managed to mesh that up with my "faith" and started to believe that I would never need to worry about it at all, because God would "provide."

Of course God will provide, but that doesn't give me the luxury and comfort of doing whatever I want. Yes, a part of me wishes for lots of money, maybe even perhaps meet someone with lots of money, but I know that deep down inside, money and luxury itself is not why I started to think about it. 

I guess the biggest problem circles right back to my parents growing older. I had witnessed my grandfather pretty wither away in the hospital bed. He was nearly immobile for the last months of his life, and I can honestly say that I still try to avoid thinking about the whole experience. Somewhere in my mind, I started to intertwine that with my parents. I guess I'm sorely afraid that my parents will go through the same issue. 

Every time I head home, I see that my parents have gotten a bit older since the last time I saw them. I see them with new back pains and fevers. I see them with atrophied muscles and thicker wrinkles. I see them wasting away, and I hurts my heart to see it all. 

I am afraid that I may not be able to provide for them when they are in need. I am afraid that I may not be there when they need me. I am afraid that I will lose them soon.