Write After 40

I was told as I grow older, all that I had written may seem shallow and simply wrong.
I sincerely do hope that I grow each day, and really do learn more about life.

보내지 않을 편지

자꾸 찌질하게 연락해서 미안해. 잊을 법하면 멍청하게도 네 생각이 나서, 가뜩이나 부족한 수면 시간을 그렇게 깎아 먹고 있네. 이전과는 다르게 현실이 너무 각박해져서일까, 괜한 호기심일까. 마지막으로 순수하게 누군가를 좋아했던 게 너이기에, 함께했던 그 순간들이 나에겐 행복했던 시간들이기에, 나를 좋아해 주는 네가 고맙기에, 나 역시도 너를 많이 좋아했지만 제대로 마음을 이어가지 못해서 더 미련이 남는 것 같네.

좋은 사람 만나고 있으리라 믿어. 연락을 하지 않는 게 예의겠지만, 그럼에도 너의 안부를 묻는 건 이번에는 내가 정말로 큰마음을 먹어서야. 네가 그 어느 누구를 만나고 있다 해도 나는 너를 좋아하고 있고, 기다리고 싶고, 너와 함께 평생을 이어가고 싶어.

어젯밤 꿈에서는 네가 답장을 보내왔어. 비록 청첩장이었지만. 꿈은 그저 꿈이길 바라며 기다리고 있을게.

Sermon Notes #51432634

Blurb from a sermon.

When you are humbled, do you actually get humility?
Catastrophe leading to clarity.
Discipline to discerment.
Life always brings to further down even after you hit rock hottom.
Yet, repentence shall bring sanity.

Miracles are not extraordinary happenings, but rather a man repenting and God forgiving.

Magical Hospital Life

It's strange to work in an hospital. You know, in a room there's a father holding his son for the first time, in another room there's a son holding his father for the last time.

And then in another room there's a guy with a remote stuck in the anus. It's the circle of life. 

- Anonymous internet post

It's been months since I started working in the hospital. It has been amazingly boring most of the times, because the Korean medical system has a mandatory internship period of one year, in which the interns act on menial doctor jobs around different specialties departments and learn about the hospital system. 

I'm not to say that I did not learn anything. I am learning very much about how a modern hospital operates, and how doctors are to see patients in such conditions. However, it is rather boring. It might get very much exciting as I head into residency, but I still have no clue what God wants from me. 

One thing nice about being busy is that I do not have much time to think or worry about anything in life. 

In any case, the hospital is indeed a magical place. It is a weird place indeed. I'm still trying to find how I would fit in. 

Immanuel

God with me.
God with you.
God with us.

Sunday Blues

Them Sunday blues caught a hold on me
The sun slowly falling down, taking my heart along
Upcoming woes never seem sweet
All I feel is emptiness and loneliness
Where to O God, where to?
Jesus rose, but I still feel the same
You are victorious, but I feel ever defeated
With a night's sleep I surely will forget
but I know again, it'll catch me once more
Them Sunday blues, never seem to let go

Dreaming Children

"When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, 'What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?' His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind." Genesis 37:10-11

I have begun my rotations in pediatrics now. The first week was a bit of a hassle, but I have adjusted well quite quickly. As it is a big hospital, there are several specialties to pediatrics. I have been assigned to pediatric neurology, and have met with lots of patients with seizure and epilepsy history.

The general mood of the ward was a bit gloomy from the start. Most the patients have admission days that last quite a while, some reaching to hundreds. As that is, legal guardians, mostly the parents are quite sensitive towards any acting of doctors.

As much as it is frustrating for me to do anything, I do see where they are coming from. Epileptic illnesses are rarely curable. It is more so disease that are meant to be controlled. Kids are on antiepileptic drugs throughout their lives, and have to go in and out of the hospital if the medication starts to fail.

If seizures are not well controlled, they often go through brain surgeries, which leave them quite incapable. Some just seem living, rarely alive.

The sermon today was on Genesis 37. The series on Genesis has now reached the story of Joseph. Often times when we hear about Joseph and his dreams, we think about how arrogant he was on boasting about his dream. The pastor, however, talked about how the family could have done better. Instead of scolding him, perhaps they should have listened to him and encouraged his dreams.

Instead of taking offense, what if they family had told Joseph the virtues of a leader? Perhaps that of a great man?

The sermon connected with the patients I saw everyday at the ward. What dreams would these children ever have?

I did dread working at the ward lately, but I felt like some decent prayer was quite necessary. I wanted to pray so that these children could really dream again, perhaps be completely rid of their illnesses and run around with their fellow classmates. I wanted them to have strong desires to become somebody and work hard to achieve. I wanted them to truly enjoy the world God had built for us, and to truly learn of his love.

If even one child became healthy, everyone would exclaim the presence of a miracle, but I would know it was an act of God's mercy. I really want that intimacy with Him. If it is not too much to ask, could everyone pray with me? Thanks always.