Estrangement

A little bit of pain is not too bad says he.
All my life, I've struggled to avoid all that.
The vulnerability, the weakness, the fragility.
I have indeed lived an easier life than most.
Maybe the estrangement is just a consequence.

Life Realizations

I'm slowly realizing that reality is as is, and no fantastic adventures lie ahead.

Dreams and hopes shattered powerlessly before limitations of life.

Better find a new goal, somewhere here on Earth, somewhere within God. 

Lost Presence

 "Then he led me to the gate, the gate facing east. And behold, the glory of the God of Israel was coming from the east. And the sound of his coming was like the sound of many waters, and the earth shone with his glory. And the vision I saw was just like the vision that I had seen when he came to destroy the city, and just like the vision that I had seen by the Chebar canal. And I fell on my face. As the glory of the LORD entered the temple by the gate facing east, the Spirit lifted me up and brought me into the inner court; and behold, the glory of the LORD filled the temple." Ezekiel 43:1-5

God suddenly had me realize that I had drifted off quite a bit. It was always the little details that brings about changes. I had neglected the daily reflections, the prayers, the reading of the Bible and all. 

Upon closing my eyes and praying, I imagined perhaps God's presence falling here in the hospital, in my room, in me ultimately, all the wonders and the glory of the world falling completely right here where I stand. 

The presence of God was something I had forgotten in a long time. It was what had me breathing. Upon His presence, nothing of this worldly worries would seem important. I long for that day. 

Recent Thoughts #1251777

All the expectations, fantasies shattered

Trying to make the best of what is left

Perseverance, consistency, pride and dignity

Remembering what was once of worth

Glory is what i used to seek, perhaps

Hope, faith, something is missing

Love will guide me through

Resilience

Resilience is the ability to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversities. There are several resilience factors that can be modified: a positive appraisal or outlook and good executive functioning; nurturing parenting; good maternal mental health, good self-care skills, and consistent household routines; and an understanding of trauma. The personal histories of children who overcome poverty often include at least one trusted adult (parent, grandparent, teacher) with whom the child has a special, supportive, close relationship. Pediatric providers are positioned to target and bolster resilience in their patients and families. - Nelson Textbook of Pediatrics. Edition 21. Philadelphia, PA: Elsevier, 2020.

This is my last week in Pediatrics. The last two months have been eventful, but very informative. One of the difficulties I had with Pediatrics was that I had no hands-on experience with raising a child. Just by having a child to raise, normal development would be something acquired easily. Unfortunately, I am still unmarried, so I had to study from the textbook with regard to the milestones of development. 

Resilience, as the textbook puts it, is the ability to overcome challenges in life. As a child, living was never questioned. Events occurred and another day was passed. I guess I could say I had an easier childhood than most. Or, it could have been that my parents shielded me from a lot. As I grew older, the fences wore out, my parents grew older, and I faced greater challenges. 

I wondered how I had passed the difficulties that came. The traumas in life just seemed more obscure and unusual. Nonetheless, I knew I had to walk on and overcome, and this resilience just came to heart. I had a loving family, supportive friends, and most of all, God on my side. 

I really am having a hard time these days, but I trust that God will lead me on still, as He has done in pastimes. 

Flying Time, Crouching Age

Time truly passes fast. It's already June. I hadn't realized that I haven't written this much. Though there had been a lot that passed by, one thing for sure was that there was a lot that God wanted to heal within me. I am learning that I have a deep fear of life, that I worry too much, that I am not truly living this life, and that I am so broken from God's intention. 

Resurrected/Unassured

My duty had been on Tuesdays and Saturdays for the last few weeks and weeks to come. Tuesday duties are far easier as I am in charge of the ward for only half the day. The Saturday duties are quite different, as I am in charge through the 24 hours. 

Nonetheless, I am still able to slip in some hours of sleep, but my Sundays start with grueling tiredness altogether. As much as I feel comfortable with my relationship with Christ again following religion, not attending church on Sundays still brings in gentle guilt.

After sleeping most of the morning away, I somewhat drag myself to church half asleep. As I head into the hall, I feel something is different. It was Holy Sunday, the day celebrated as the resurrection of Christ. 

It just seemed so long ago that I had a big stirring in my heart when thinking upon Jesus. With time, I learned to have certainty about my resurrection, my being with Christ at the end of my life. Today, however, it all seemed to be in my head, only in my thoughts did I feel like I would be in heaven. Was I truly sure that I would be with Christ?

Resurrection, I believe, yet I felt so unassured about it. I really just wanted to meet God,, truly experience his presence. 

Arbor Day Planting

A seed of hope. A seed of love.
Grows deep into my heart, conjuring joy and expectations.

Update News

 Hi everyone.

I know rarely anyone reads these anymore. I know I haven't been eager to post updates here that much anyway. Life has moved on much since. I finished my internship and have moved onto residency. 

As for specialty, I am not quite comfortable with where I am right now, so I'll keep it on the down-low. I am still trying to make the best of situations, so please bear with me.

I am thinking about how I have drifted quite far from God, at least how I feel about Him. I know He loves me still very much, but I know I haven't been very talkative towards Him. 

To anyone who stumbles upon these decrepit blog posts, I ask that you would pray for me, in that I become a decent doctor, able to diagnose and treat diseases fairly well; and that I don't wander far from my efforts in traveling with God.

Thanks everyone.

Dream Sequence #6116457

The Brady Road was marked with a thick fog right from start. An old brick laden entrance greeted any newcomers with an eerie presence. Red bricks now gone ash gray. The typical spear-headed fencing added to the dark flavor.

My brother walked straight into the shroud. His steps were brazen with ambition and greed. It wasn't his first time visiting the forsaken place. It's been said at the heart of the fog, you can hear faint voice, or more so an anguish with a prophetic insight. It is said to give you visions of the future or what is to come, but if there has also been rumors of people gone mad from the voices. Apparently, a man too long into hearing such cries will soon break down in spirit and mind.

Soon we arrive at the plaza. A faint look of a balcony was in sight, and from the distance, I could soon hear colors and lights. My mind wandered soon into the past and the future. Laughter and desperation all passed through me. Most importantly, I was feeling alone and scared. As I turned to see my brother, he grabbed hold me and began to run.

I ran passed the stairs, the streets, the buildings. Everything soon crumbled into one. White turned to gray, to black. Soon I woke up in a hotel. I was not in bed, but was working as a bellboy. 'Do this, do that.' After a few chores, I realized I was still amidst realms of the Brady Road.

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At the time, I was working menial jobs. I was working delivery one time. When I got to the place, I saw two workers fully in a HAZMAT Level A suit. They were working with a floating jelly writing in pain. It was soon united with a dog to become an amalgamation of a moss in a figure of what was an animal. The workers were talking about contamination. As they were trying to rid of their experiment, some got loose. It broke free from the confines of the experiment, and again, that was the last memory I recall.

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The safehouse was full again. Jeb and Alice were back. Jeb seemed darker than usual, while Alice was glowing in amber. The safehouse master greeted us, but her secretary was unwelcoming as usual. The secretary was always suspecting of a breech, perhaps of being compromised. Nonetheless, we did not have much time. We had to think of a way to fight back.

a Rascal

You're a rascal, a rebel
the Grim fucking Ripper
out robbing hearts, clobbing minds
a ruptured soul, rushing for redemption