대한민국 의료의 조각

[1]
신설 병원이라 전공의를 아직 받을 수 없지만, 타원에서 가정의학과 파견을 받을 수 있기 때문에 본원에서 수련을 시작하게 되었다. 워낙 시스템을 구축해 가는 과정 중에 있어서 그런지 너무나도 많은 일이 너무나도 적은 인원에게 맡겨졌다. 특히 내과 당직을 설 때에는 중환자실을 제외한 그 모든 병원의 내과 환자들을 혼자서 봐야 했다. 지금 생각해 보면 말도 안 되는 일이긴 했다. 이제 막 1년 차가 된 가정의학과 전공의가 병원의 모든 내과 환자 콜을 받는다는 것이. 같이 당직을 서는 교수님이 매일 있긴 했지만, 전화를 하면 왜 본인이게 전화를 했냐면서 끊어버리기 일쑤였다.

안 그래도 바빠서 한숨도 못 자는 당직인데, 병동에서 잠시 와달라는 부탁을 했다. 뻔히 바쁜 것을 알면서도 오라 한 것은 결코 흔하지 않았기에 툴툴거리면서 병동을 향해보니 복도에서부터 괴성이 들려오기 시작했다. 암환자가 퇴원하고 싶다고 난리를 치던 것이었다. 담당 교수님이 전화를 하도 안 받아서, 나한테까지 연락이 온 것이었는데, 내가 무얼 할 수 있으랴. 환자에게 오늘 밤부터 아무것도 하지 않을 테니 그냥 한숨 주무시고 일어나 아침에 교수님 얼굴 한번 뵙고 퇴원하라고 했는데 도무지 말을 듣지 않았다. 그러다 아내분에게 화살이 돌아가서 마치 때리는 양 주먹을 드는 것을 보고, 내가 그 가운데로 들어가서 막아서니 나한테 삿대질과 욕을 하기 시작했다. 보안 직원이 와서 제지를 해보려 했지만, 이미 이성을 잃은 짐승 같아 보였다. 물론 다음날 혼난 건 나였다. 본인 환자를 왜 해코지했냐며.

그런데 이런 일이 특별한 일이 결코 아니다. 자세히 설명을 다 했는데도, 비싼 검사들을 왜 했냐며 환불하라고 생떼 부리는 환자. 병원이 호텔인양 심부름 시키려는 환자. 밥이 맛이 없다고 나한테 식판을 던진 환자도 있었다. 보호자들이 진상짓을 부리는 것까지 말하려면 끝도 없을 것이다.


[2]
평판이 영 좋지 않은 병원에 그래도 일을 한번 시작해 보려는 마음을 먹고 이력서를 제출했다. 면접은 정말 가관이었던 게, 대표원장이 나를 앉혀놓고 줄담배를 피면서 면접과는 전혀 상관없는 질문들을 하더니 마음에 든다며 내일부터 일하라고 하던 것이다.

물론 처음에 적응하는데 쉽지는 않았다. 특정 지역에서 일하지 말라고 했는데, 그 이유를 확실히 알게 되는 계기였다. 친절히 설명해도 본인이 하고 싶지 않으면 그냥 할 생각이 없는 것이었다. 혈당이 800이 넘었는데도 입원하지 않겠다더라. 그러다 죽을 수도 있다고 하니, 그러면 죽을 거니까 걱정하지 말라며 병원을 떠났다. 이런 일이 결코 특별한 일이 아닐 정도로 자주 일어났다.

그러던 중 한 환자가 피검사를 할 때가 되어 검사를 안내하니 버럭 화를 내면서 난리를 치기 시작한 것이었다. 검사받을 것을 권한다고 딱 두 번 말했는데 그렇게까지 소리를 지른 것이었다. 알겠으니 다음 내원 시 검사를 받으라 하곤 약을 짧게 처방해 주니, 왜 또 짧게 처방하느냐며 다시 화를 내기 시작했다. 그리고는 며칠 뒤에 보건소 민원을 받았고, 그렇게 한 달이 지나고 나니 고소를 당했다는 말을 근처 경찰서에서 알려주었다.

좋게 해결하기 위해 삼자대면을 하니, 그제야 본인이 술을 마셨다고 하는 게 아닌가. 그래도 본인은 잘못한 게 없는 마냥 사과를 강요하고 목을 꽃꽂이 세운채 말을 이어갔다. 법대로 끝까지 가고자 하는 마음으로 맞고소를 너무나도 하고 싶었지만, 주변에 있는 수많은 변호사 지인들은 전부 좋은 게 좋은 거니 그냥 사과하고 넘기라고 하더라.

참고로 다니던 병원은 세금 문제를 하도 일으키고 있어서 퇴사하기로 했는데, 고소당했다는 것을 퇴사 한 시간을 남겨놓고 알게 된 것이라 법적 도움을 하나도 받지 못했다. 평판은 역시 헛된 것이 아니라는 것을 다시금 깨닫게 되었다.


[3]
오랜만에 연락한 친구가 한 미용 의원을 인수했다고 알려주었다. 일손이 부족한데 와서 일해주면 너무 좋을 것 같다며 나를 초대해 주었다. 미용 진료에 대해서 아는 것이 하나도 없는 수준이었는데, 잘 알려주겠다는 약속을 받아 일을 시작하게 되었다.

토닝 레이저, 제모 레이저, 보톡스 주사. 리프팅 시술도 몇 배우긴 했지만, 한 번에 너무나도 많은 것을 배우는 것 같아 조금 천천히 배우고 싶다고 말하여 배운 것들로만 몇주를 보내기로 했다. 

미용 진료는 정말 신세계를 맛보는 것만 같았다. 이렇게나 많은 사람들이 이렇게나 많은 돈을 쓰고 있었다는 것이. 게다가 많은 돈이 오가니 월급 역시도 넉넉히 주는 게 아닌가. 또 일반 진료를 볼 때에는 하루에 100명 정도는 봐야 되는 것이, 미용은 하루에 20명 정도만 봐도 같은 수익을 낼 수 있는 구조였다.

하지만 이 모든 것들 보다, 내 마음에 가장 큰 경종을 울렸던 것은, 너무나도 간단한 제모 시술을 진행했는데도 환자, 아니 고객님이 90도로 허리를 굽혀 감사하다는 인사를 해주었던 것이었다. 원장님, 원장님 하면서 웃는 환자들을 맞이하는 것이 너무나도 생소한 경험이었다.

이것이 대한민국 의료의 현실인가 보다. 너무나도 명백한 문제가 있다. 정치인들이 모를 수 없는 일인데도 해결할 의지는 결코 없어 보인다. 지독한 포퓰리즘에 따른 정책들인데, 그 대중을 어떻게 감당할 수 있을까. 이 길을 한없이 걸어가다 보면 결국 의료의 질은 바닥을 치게 될 것인데, 그 어느 누구도 그 말을 하여 개선할 의지는 없다. 투표를 잃을 것을 생각하여 결코 나서진 않겠으니.

crouching time, hidden memories

I just realized how much I have been writing on this blog. All kinds of literature: poems, lyrics, excerpts, a lot of the Bible, even stories I came up with. Time sure seems fast. Reading back on my previous writings is like looking through a memory box. I even feel a bit giddy. But I sure do feel rather distant from the person who had been keeping up with blog. I definitely lost a bit of passion for writing as the first ever Nobel prize winner in literature is no more. Nonetheless, I will visit more often to leave thoughts and updates.

Updates

I really haven't rambled on about my life here in a long time. I guess I have been getting used to writing in Korean most of the time. It really has been over more than 10 years since I have been back home.

I noticed that I have not written much here since I started my residency. Though Family Medicine is not the busiest department in the hospital, being a resident was indeed time-consuming. Plus, I was writing up a residency diary in Korean. 

It has been a year and a half since I finished my residency, but I really haven't found a place to work that really called out to me. The whole doctor's strike that happened last year obviously had a big impact as well. 

I guess the biggest disappointment I had was that being a doctor really wasn't much fun for me. I do recognize that most people would tell me that work is never fun, but I expected at least some sense of accomplishment. In reality, I really don't appreciated, let alone feel any respect while working. 

So, I guess I am still searching for different jobs that would be somewhat bearable. I had been getting pretty frustrated about my life situation, and began ranting on about it to God. Thankfully God had shown me how he is still live and at work, which gave me a sense of peace. 

Hopefully this will last a while, but I guess the most difficult part of it all was that I never really expected my life to turn out this way. Not that my life is in shambles, but I really didn't expect it like this. I thought I would at least be married with kids, with a house and nice job. 

Nonetheless, life still goes on. I am still hopeful that God will lead my life in such unexpected, but exciting ways. 

Please have me in your prayers always. Thanks. 

COVID-19 Infection Party

I started out my December in the department of Pulmonology. My rotations were with a professor specializing in allergies, but, nonetheless, I did have to see some pneumonia patients as well.

I especially remember a certain patient admitted for pneumonia and pleural effusion. He was about ready to leave the hospital after a few days, however, on a certain morning, I found his chest x-ray to be near white. Something happened, and his condition just plummeted. He and his family was discussed for POLST. Later, we found out that his caretaker was tested positive for COVID-19. I guess I never realized how quickly the disease could bring someone down.

Thankfully, the patient is holding onto his life. I really have no idea if he'll ever be fine enough to walk out the hospital, but he is definitely surviving.

On the other hand, this was my first time ever to catch COVID-19. It's funny how I was in and out of the isolation ward for so long to have caught it now. In any case, I guess the bright side of it all was that I was excused from work. Though only for a week, it was great to stay home and relax. The symptoms were really tough. Sore throat really killed in the mornings. 

I'm hoping the rest of the month is easy going. Hopefully.

San Diego Story

I was recently in San Diego for a conference. The conference was on obesity, and apparently a lot of Family Medicine doctors are a part of it. Anyways, besides being in Miami for a brief day or so, it was the first time visiting the US again after nearly 10 years.

I first landed in LA to spend a day with my cousin, whom I have not seen in a long time as well. I got to tour around the neighborhood for nearly half a day. After passing out for a whole 8 hours, I drove down to SD.

I had a couple of days to roam around SD as well. I visited places downtown, the local malls and the San Diego Park as well. I even remember taking a jog at some trail, where there was nothing but endless views of rocks and shrubs.

At that point, I realized that nothing really had changed here. It was just that I had changed. I had learned more. I had seen more. It was the little things that really got to me.

All the news of Asian hate crimes, the gun issues, the homeless owning an entire street. Just being there alone, all by myself had be lonely and scared as well. The dynamics of interactions were different, the conversations too. I'm sure all of this was present 10 years ago as well. I probably just never noticed it.

I was so longing to be back in the States, but I realized it was just the younger days that I desired. The people and the opportunities, the time well spent together. Those were what I was hoping for.

I was feeling pretty sad about everything in Korea, especially where my life seemed to have landed. I felt like such a loser with my job, with my economic situation. The week spent in the States, however, made me realize that I was living a pretty good life. I was just making myself seem little. I was just angry and disappointed at God.

Seeing my cousin just living his life there helped me out as well. He bought himself a house. He had a fiancee. Life, love and growing old. He was just going through it all, and it was okay. I realized that was just how people lived on.

I ran across a passage when I was there: "The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” John 3:8

I began to hope again. I began to dream again. I realized that God would again lead me on to different joys in life, different situations, different adventures. I would blow like the wind, along with the Holy Spirit. Though only for a few days, I felt like I left my baggage.

Time to move on.

Fungal F

I heard it's pretty rare for the department of Family Medicine to have in-patients with pneumonia, let alone the cause still yet to be found. We narrowed it down to either malignancy or fungal infection, but it's going to take a while as the pleural effusion has blocked any views via CT scan. 

Nonetheless, my attending was going over my management history with the patient, and kindly pointed out all that was done well, and all that was not. 

It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps God could be doing the same. Going over all that I was doing as a Christian, on how I lived my life according to the Bible. All that has not been done well. 

I can surely say I'll probably be flying with shining colors with a big fat letter 'F'. It's funny how I felt like I was just in training even in church when I was a student. Now, as I am working professionally, it just seemed like I was called to be a professional Christian as well. Sincerely praying and spreading. 

I wonder how I will have done some years later?

Forgiveness in Days to come

 It is said that forgiveness does not require re-connection. Those that have done wrong should be forgiven, for our sake. It does not mean that a relationship has to be as was before. What is passed is past. Harboring hurts should never be. Let's move on. 

Life Realizations

I'm slowly realizing that reality is as is, and no fantastic adventures lie ahead.

Dreams and hopes shattered powerlessly before limitations of life.

Better find a new goal, somewhere here on Earth, somewhere within God. 

Resilience

Resilience is the ability to withstand, adapt to, and recover from adversities. There are several resilience factors that can be modified: a positive appraisal or outlook and good executive functioning; nurturing parenting; good maternal mental health, good self-care skills, and consistent household routines; and an understanding of trauma. The personal histories of children who overcome poverty often include at least one trusted adult (parent, grandparent, teacher) with whom the child has a special, supportive, close relationship. Pediatric providers are positioned to target and bolster resilience in their patients and families. - Nelson Textbook of Pediatrics. Edition 21. Philadelphia, PA: Elsevier, 2020.

This is my last week in Pediatrics. The last two months have been eventful, but very informative. One of the difficulties I had with Pediatrics was that I had no hands-on experience with raising a child. Just by having a child to raise, normal development would be something acquired easily. Unfortunately, I am still unmarried, so I had to study from the textbook with regard to the milestones of development. 

Resilience, as the textbook puts it, is the ability to overcome challenges in life. As a child, living was never questioned. Events occurred and another day was passed. I guess I could say I had an easier childhood than most. Or, it could have been that my parents shielded me from a lot. As I grew older, the fences wore out, my parents grew older, and I faced greater challenges. 

I wondered how I had passed the difficulties that came. The traumas in life just seemed more obscure and unusual. Nonetheless, I knew I had to walk on and overcome, and this resilience just came to heart. I had a loving family, supportive friends, and most of all, God on my side. 

I really am having a hard time these days, but I trust that God will lead me on still, as He has done in pastimes. 

Flying Time, Crouching Age

Time truly passes fast. It's already June. I hadn't realized that I haven't written this much. Though there had been a lot that passed by, one thing for sure was that there was a lot that God wanted to heal within me. I am learning that I have a deep fear of life, that I worry too much, that I am not truly living this life, and that I am so broken from God's intention. 

Resurrected/Unassured

My duty had been on Tuesdays and Saturdays for the last few weeks and weeks to come. Tuesday duties are far easier as I am in charge of the ward for only half the day. The Saturday duties are quite different, as I am in charge through the 24 hours. 

Nonetheless, I am still able to slip in some hours of sleep, but my Sundays start with grueling tiredness altogether. As much as I feel comfortable with my relationship with Christ again following religion, not attending church on Sundays still brings in gentle guilt.

After sleeping most of the morning away, I somewhat drag myself to church half asleep. As I head into the hall, I feel something is different. It was Holy Sunday, the day celebrated as the resurrection of Christ. 

It just seemed so long ago that I had a big stirring in my heart when thinking upon Jesus. With time, I learned to have certainty about my resurrection, my being with Christ at the end of my life. Today, however, it all seemed to be in my head, only in my thoughts did I feel like I would be in heaven. Was I truly sure that I would be with Christ?

Resurrection, I believe, yet I felt so unassured about it. I really just wanted to meet God,, truly experience his presence. 

Update News

 Hi everyone.

I know rarely anyone reads these anymore. I know I haven't been eager to post updates here that much anyway. Life has moved on much since. I finished my internship and have moved onto residency. 

As for specialty, I am not quite comfortable with where I am right now, so I'll keep it on the down-low. I am still trying to make the best of situations, so please bear with me.

I am thinking about how I have drifted quite far from God, at least how I feel about Him. I know He loves me still very much, but I know I haven't been very talkative towards Him. 

To anyone who stumbles upon these decrepit blog posts, I ask that you would pray for me, in that I become a decent doctor, able to diagnose and treat diseases fairly well; and that I don't wander far from my efforts in traveling with God.

Thanks everyone.

Player 1754362

"The game is not yet over for this player!"

Just a simple phrase I heard from an announcer. She talked about how she just thought it was the game people were watching, but soon she found out there were people who turned on the game just to hear her speak. One depressed listener shared a story about how he found strength from what she said, as if she was speaking to him. It's not over yet, it's not over yet. The game is not over for this player, for this man.

Times like these, I really feel there is power in words, in speech.

The Aftermaths

What is beyond, happily ever after?
What happens in the everyday life of the protagonists?
Those that found love, those that conquered evil. Those that achieved?
Jesus has conquered death, saved us from our sins.
We wait upon his arrival to become a part of the happily ever after.
But what about the now? The in-between.
The war was won, but battles still arise.
Tragedy still strikes, hardships linger.
What does tomorrow hold?
What are we to hold onto?

Write After 40

I was told as I grow older, all that I had written may seem shallow and simply wrong.
I sincerely do hope that I grow each day, and really do learn more about life.

Sermon Notes #51432634

Blurb from a sermon.

When you are humbled, do you actually get humility?
Catastrophe leading to clarity.
Discipline to discerment.
Life always brings to further down even after you hit rock hottom.
Yet, repentence shall bring sanity.

Miracles are not extraordinary happenings, but rather a man repenting and God forgiving.

Magical Hospital Life

It's strange to work in an hospital. You know, in a room there's a father holding his son for the first time, in another room there's a son holding his father for the last time.

And then in another room there's a guy with a remote stuck in the anus. It's the circle of life. 

- Anonymous internet post

It's been months since I started working in the hospital. It has been amazingly boring most of the times, because the Korean medical system has a mandatory internship period of one year, in which the interns act on menial doctor jobs around different specialties departments and learn about the hospital system. 

I'm not to say that I did not learn anything. I am learning very much about how a modern hospital operates, and how doctors are to see patients in such conditions. However, it is rather boring. It might get very much exciting as I head into residency, but I still have no clue what God wants from me. 

One thing nice about being busy is that I do not have much time to think or worry about anything in life. 

In any case, the hospital is indeed a magical place. It is a weird place indeed. I'm still trying to find how I would fit in. 

Fading Life

It's been nearly two weeks since I started my internship at a hospital. Honestly, I was quite ready to quit after the first day of being on call. Thankfully, I got adjusted quite well. I heard my part of the hospital is one of the easier parts. Nonetheless, I have been working in the Oncology department, mostly working on fever and pain control. 

Since the hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals, a lot of terminally ill patients arrive. Over a day, a handful of patients pass away. Yet, the hospital keeps running, everyone busy with work. Only the family members and relatives are left behind.

One of my jobs is to remove catheters and IV lines within dead patients. As I walk into the sullen room, I quietly do my work and try my best to leave unnoticed. Of course, my first few times, I had blood spilling everywhere, despite my best efforts in showing the highest respect for the patient.

Another patient passed away today. A nice old lady, growing thin each day. She started twitching, her pupils moving further up, only responding mechanically to our questions. I was trying to find her radial artery pulse, but with each beat, it grew weaker. I looked up to see her gasping few breaths, and soon she passed away. Life just slipped out of her as I was watching. 

Yet, my phone kept ringing. I was again busy running from ward to ward. Everyone else was too. Life comes and goes, fading in and out. 

Hospital Capitol

My military service is officially over. A full three years and a month did come to an end, and I am looking towards my residency. I have heard many stories of hardship while being in the hospital, and I naturally did not look forward to my time there. Yet, I thought about all the wonderful time I had meeting new friends in faith, just being with people who loved the LORD. I thought about all the wonderful possibilities and experiences I may encounter there and soon began to lighten up. Amidst the COVID-19 outbreak, it is rare to be meeting new people. I'm doing my best to take this opportunity as a God-given one, and try and make the most of it. Pray for me while I begin my training!

Standing Strong

Looking back, I realized that I have gone through quite a bit, big or small. At the same time, we as a group, family, friends, neighbors, a nation, has gone through even more. Just thinking about Korea, there have been tragedies, destruction, grief and trials. Yet, we have persevered through it all until now. Amidst the COVID-19 crisis, we still are standing strong. As the world as one, there must have been countless more that have been unprecedented events, devastation. In God, however, I believe that He will yet still lead us on. In Christ we will stand.